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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in not wanting to do house work every day of the bloody week to keep dh happy?

55 replies

Marne · 14/02/2009 14:13

I am a SAHM, i gave up work to spend more time 1 on 1 with dd2 as she has Autism and a language disorder (shes non verbal), i knew when i gave up work i would have to do more around the house but i wanted to dedicate more time to dd2.

Dh comes home from work (he works 3 days a week) each day and moans at the mess in the house , he comments on everything i have done, he says i havn't swept the floor to his standards, i havn't hung the washing correctly, i havn't washed up correctly etc..ect..

This morning before we got up we decided to do the house work between us, i got up first, dressed the kids, did breakfast, put the washing on and began to wash-up, dh comes down and tells me not to bother washing up he would prefer if i did 'other' jobs so i started to clean the sitting room. After 30 seconds of brushing the floor dh pokes he head in to tell me i am doing it wrong and not to bother doing anything else if i cant do it to his standards.

I sit down and play with the dd's and dh goes upstairs, after an hour i go upstairs for a bath and dh is doing the ironing and starts moaning about me not keeping up with the ironing (i couldn't do it yesterday as i was on a course in the morning and spent the afternoon with dd2).

Anyway after lunch we continued arguing and now he has drove of in the car, he just phoned me to see if i wanted him to come home. I said 'only if you stop getting at me about the house work' he said he couldn't because if he came home he would have to do more house work which will make him upset again. He hung up and hasn't phoned back.

AIBU in thinking most people dont do house work every day? Our house is not untidy, just lived in. Im scaired to do anything with the dd's that might make a mess as Dh will get upset. I feel like i can't do anything in my own house.

I think dh has OCD and possible Aspergers, and i know he likes things in there place etc.. but i can't live like this.

OP posts:
Dillydaydreamer · 14/02/2009 14:36

Tell him to get a dishwasher and a cleaner if it bothers him this much!

Original poster
Marne · 14/02/2009 14:37

He has had help for the depression but was told that he doesn't have OCD (i disagree).

He knows that he is OTT with the house work but just says thats the way he is and he can't help it if he likes everything in its place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marne · 14/02/2009 14:37

I would love to get a cleaner

OP posts:
Squirdle · 14/02/2009 14:39

Actually Coldtits is right. This is basically what i do. I do the main tidying, washing cleaning etc and DH does the sorting (well, sometimes...he likes to moan about our apparently very disorganised house)

I have told him that once he and the boys start keeping the house vaguely tidy and I don't have to pick up after them, then perhaps I will have time to sort things too, but until then he'll either have to do it himself or shut up

Dillydaydreamer · 14/02/2009 14:39

Well then he has to accept that it is his problem not yours and acknowledge he is making all your lives miserable because of it.

Squirdle · 14/02/2009 14:40

He also hates me using those antibacterial wipes, so i told him that when he does the cleaning of the kitchen, he can use whatever he likes!

Highlander · 14/02/2009 14:42

If he has mental health probs, then maybe you should get in touch with his community psychiatric nurse. if he doesn't have one - I think he needs one. I would also go to the GP with him and push for another assessment for Aspergers/OCD. Remember that your witness accounts of his behaviour will be necessary for an accurate picture, so go with him!

I know nothing about this, but I think you're being very supportive

Original poster
Marne · 14/02/2009 14:45

If he comes home (which at the moment i don't really care if he doesn't) then i think i will write a list (with dh) showing which jobs need to be done and which jobs don't matter as much.

If i miss 1 day of washing he gets really upset and moans, surely its ok to catch up the next day?

OP posts:
SalmonintheLiffey · 14/02/2009 14:46

god this is so familiar. my youngest has a severe speech disorder, and is undergoing autism screening at the moment. My x was a control freak, over many things,but he was like your husband with the housework. I used to argue back and say this isn't a hotel, or a restaurant, and I'm not your incompetent employee and don't talk to me as though I am. water off a duck's back.

but thank god he's my x. But I sympathise. I bet you can't get him to listen at all. I am guessing he would never see this from your perspective.

Original poster
Marne · 14/02/2009 14:47

Im not sure if he would agree to going to the gp , we are going through assesment for dd2 at the moment and have only just got dd1 diognosed. I don't think he has come to terms with the dd's Autism but he says he can see a lot of dd1's traits in himself.

OP posts:
SalmonintheLiffey · 14/02/2009 14:48

I used to get told I was doing this wrong too! floor wipes instead of old fashioned mop, etc etc.

CarGirl · 14/02/2009 14:49

it's cheaper to only wash when you have full wash loads. We have a 6kg capacity machine, 4 dc and a huge dh - I probably only wash 5 to 6 loads per week so not sure how you need to do 7!!!!

Perhaps it would be better for you to work part time and then have an agreement with your dh that the rest of the time your "job" is to teach dd2 stuff not do housework?

Jux · 14/02/2009 14:50

If he wants things done his way, he can do them himself. If he wants someone else to do them, then he can be grateful.

And how much looking after the kids does he do?

Original poster
Marne · 14/02/2009 14:51

How long should i leave it before i begin to worry? He's only been gone for an hour but this is a long time for dh. Dd1 is having great fun painting in dh's nice clean kitchen .

OP posts:
Original poster
Marne · 14/02/2009 14:54

I was working part time, but dd2 goes to a sn nursery half an hours drive away twice a week and i couldn't fit a job around this .

OP posts:
CarGirl · 14/02/2009 14:58

Ask him what is more important - dds developmental or a showhome?

Original poster
Marne · 14/02/2009 15:19

He's on his way home, he just phoned me to say he has got me a birthday present (he thinks this will make it all better).

CarGirl- i wish he could see that dd's development is more important but he seems to think that keeping a tidy home is also good for the dd's (teaches them to respect things and put things where they belong).

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 14/02/2009 15:27

Tell him to fuck himself or better still tel him to do it himself.

BlueSapphire77 · 14/02/2009 15:39

This is one area even misery guts DP doesn't dare mess with me.

DS will only be a baby for a short while so he comes before any housework inclusive of the essential stuff.
DP and DS1 are able bodied males aged 37 and 11 respectively so if they don't like living in a baby induced tip that they have contributed heavily to then they should roll up their sleeves, or as i put to DP the other day...Either roll your sleeves up or roll up your bottom lip before you fall over it ffs...

Sod HW when DS is asleep, i'm asleep if poss cos i'm the bugger who has to get up twice a night with him..which i don't mind but then am not following the night shift with a day shift of HW then being fked on the night shift again through lack of sleep.

Good advice on the thread lol
Hope it is better for you soon Marnie xx xx

mumeeee · 14/02/2009 15:44

YANBu. He needs to see that he can't keep criticising how you do the housework. It sounds like he needs to get some help to do this.

TheRealStig · 14/02/2009 15:50

oh poor you Marne. I wonder whether the diagnosing of dd1 has hit him quite hard...especially if he sees himself in her. But it's no excuse to treat you that way.

It does sound as though he needs a 3rd party (like a GP or counsellor) to help him.

herbietea · 14/02/2009 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bunjies · 14/02/2009 16:02

He's trying to emotionally blackmail you by ringing & asking if he should come back/saying he's got you a birthday present. He's waiting for you to break down & tell him how wrong you've been & that of course he's absolutely right about it. Of course, you know that is bollocks & you must not fall for it. I'd play it cool & not worry about it. I'm sure he will come home soon enough & you can be there merrily playing with your dc.

You definitely need to talk about this properly though, when the kids are in bed. Set boundaries about what you are & aren't prepared to do when you're looking after dd and also what he wants to do on top of this. Your time with dd is extremely important and shouldn't be taken up with chores. How would he feel if your dd was being looked after by a child minder & they spent the time doing their household jobs? I bet he'd be spitting. Just because you're not being paid to it doesn't make it any less important.

Good luck with it Marne.

comparethePeachydotcom · 14/02/2009 16:12

Marne

repeat after me (coz dh was like that)

'I amemployed by the Government as a carer, in a full time role. Granted the wages are shit but that's not my fault and it's just the way it is. Housework therefore is a shared respopnisbility and you can either get on with it or ignore it: your choice.

Should you not be happy with the terms of my employment- wages, hours etc- I suggest you wriote to my Employer, his name is Gordon Brown and I reckopn you know where he is based'

comparethePeachydotcom · 14/02/2009 16:18

(Oh yes my DH has mental health problems as well and he has a tendency to storm out, that stopped the time I stood and waved bye bye instead of begging him to come home. Sometimes its easy to be walked over Marne,esp. if you have a lot on your plate. Don't let him)

Mind if he wants to redo everything thats his problem. Do a dramataic double take, ask him why he's repeating the same stuff and inform him that if he wants to do the housework he'd be better placed doing X as you never got around to it'. be oblivious to looks / criticism etc)