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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be REALLY worried. and WHAT TO SCREAM AT DH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

34 replies

mlm19 · 13/02/2009 19:14

DH in the building trade. Work has gone from maddness to almost non-existant. Perhaps the odd day here and there. He was working for a large house builder but they are waiting to sell more before continuing etc.

He has 8 months in his business bank account until nothing.

I feel sick everyday about it . I have been advertising, sending of ,letters etc etc. He rewhile is loving being at home with DC and hasn't lifted a finger saying "It will be ok, plenty of time to worry£

WHAT TO SCREAM AT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

myfunnynametaken · 13/02/2009 19:26

YABU - can you get a job?

compo · 13/02/2009 19:28

yes, why don't you try and get something?

LoveMyGirls · 13/02/2009 19:29

I think at least he has 8mths worth of money in the bank which will gain interest and while I agree he should be pro-activly seeking work I also think it's lovely he is enjoying his time at home with his children and that you should cut him a bit of slack because at the end of the day your dc's will grow up quickly and this could be the only chance he has while they're young to have some proper quality time with them.

I know you are worried but you also need to see the bigger picture.

Original poster

mlm19 · 13/02/2009 19:29

Off course I have a job! I work 3 days in a very good professional job thanks. I am at home with my DS the remaining days but will do more if we need to.

My question is more about the length of time we have, is 8 months enough to take the worry away, or isn't that the point??

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 13/02/2009 19:30

Well he could worry himself to shreds. If you think it would help

Alternatively you could give him a chance to enjoy being at home with the DC and get a job yourself.

It ain't going to help worrying anyway. The building industry is fucked atm. DH got out and is doing something completey different. Either of you could do that of course.

Original poster

mlm19 · 13/02/2009 19:31

Thank-you Lovemygirls x

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 13/02/2009 19:32

I would really start to worry if he's still done nothing by april tbh in the mean time let him relax and enjoy the time he's got you've already said he's been working long hours etc.

Maybe he could help out more with home life, cooking dinner and bathing dc's and you concentrate on your career and continue to send out letters for him? Seems to me like a fair deal.

myfunnynametaken · 13/02/2009 19:32

if he's going through a quiet patch now, could you up your days to 5 whilst making the most of your free childcare? Or perhaps your dh could look at retraining, now, whilst it's quiet and before the money runs out.

It's anyone's guess how long your dh is gonna be out of work (if at all).

Original poster

mlm19 · 13/02/2009 19:32

Why is everyone assuming I don't work????

OP posts:

compo · 13/02/2009 19:32

I'd look at going full time then and let hi be a sahp

compo · 13/02/2009 19:33

if he's at home you'll save on childcare costs over the next 8 months so can save more cash too

LoveMyGirls · 13/02/2009 19:34

Is there another line of work he is interested in that he could study for if he still hasn't got anything in a few months?

I don't think any job is safe at the moment though, it's goignt o be a rocky road ahead for the vast majority of us I think. I thought my dp was pretty safe (as safe as you could get at the moment) and he's just been told theres a good chance of a pay cut soon so he wasn't as safe as I believed him to me, my job's always risky so we'll just have to manage best we can, we've got our wedding booked for later this year and I'm really hoping we can pay for it tbh.

OrmIrian · 13/02/2009 19:35

Ok so you work. But beleive me there is virtually no work in building atm. The company DH was working for is scratching around for work now - a yr ago they had work 6m in advance. Most people know are hand to mouth - literally. Can he do something else?

Original poster

mlm19 · 13/02/2009 19:36

Thank-you myfunnynametaken and lovemygirls.
I just hate being away from DS as he is still so young, but will if we have too.

My DH is loving the time with him and I fully understand this as he has work soooooo hard over the last 15 months and missed alot.

It just seems the more he is home the more untidy the house is, the less he is on the phone sending out letters etc. I wouldn't mind if he played all day with DS then 'worked' in the evening but all I here is "8 months will be fine, everything will have picked up by then"

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 13/02/2009 19:40

I do sympathise on that. When my DH was out of work the house used to be worse than when no-one was there to keep it tidy

gothicmama · 13/02/2009 19:40

renegotiate teh terms of your roles in the home, up your hours and leave him to be a house husband he is probably more worried than you think and has a cushion in the 8 months speak to him clamly adn rationally about the curent situation

catMandu · 13/02/2009 19:44

I don't agree with the other posters at all. 8 months could go by very quickly and the op's dh can still have lots of time to enjoy his family whilst still actively planning for their future. If he were my dh I would expect him to be working out how he can get more work now, what he could do ie. training etc to get more work in the future, how he can be sure that when there is work it'll come to him and if he should be thinking about looking at an alternative career. All of that can be done whilst enjoying more family time.

Also, if the OP is getting stressed about the future, which I think is reasonable he ought to be more considerate.

So, in answer to the original question, I wouldn't shout - tempting though it may be, just tell him how stressed you are and suggest you make a plan with a timeline.

LoveMyGirls · 13/02/2009 19:45

Sit down with him and agree to drop it for a month (in your head this means 2 months btw) let him enjoy being at home but ask him to do more tidying and cleaning.

You say "I just hate being away from DS as he is still so young, but will if we have too." I'm sure your dh also feels this way I know dp would love to be the one who got to be at home with our dd's but the fact is he earns more than me in a job outside the home so it makes sense for him to be the main earner, there are days he wishes he was here instead, there are days I wish he were here instead lol but you have to do whatever it takes and at the moment it's your turn, you don't have to like it though.

If the roles were reversed and it was your job going tits up you would expect his support and would be upset if you genuinely couldn't get any work and you got moaned at too and then he moaned at you about the state of the house, wouldnt you? I know I would, infact i've been there many a time since I started my business, there's been so many times I've done all I can to get work but yet the phone doesn't ring and I feel de-momtivated and I let the housework slide too but my dp has never moaned at me and I'd feel really hurt if he did tbh but that could just be me and perhaps your dh should be doing more but as there is money in the bank (there never is in ours) then I would relax and let him enjoy it just for now.

springlamb · 13/02/2009 19:47

I think if he has enough reserves to carry him 8 months, you should take a deep breath and say thanks. Most of us in the same position will be lucky to have a month in reserve. Many families will be earning this week the money for groceries next week. And you have a 'very good professional job' too.
I think Martin Lewis (not my fave person) recommends 3 months outgoings in reserve.

Give it a month. He might be climbing the walls by then. If not, tell him that you don't want your 'cushion' dropping to less than 6 months, is he going to deal with that or shall you (ie increase your days to 5 and have him run the house).

Original poster

mlm19 · 13/02/2009 19:50

I know, I do feel for him. Work has landed on his lap countless times as their reputation is so good, hoever he is not very confident on the phone, hates writing letters etc which I find very frustrating.

But its more the cloud cookco land I really hate or AIBU to think the building trade won't pick up like he thinks it will in 8 months??

OP posts:

southeastastra · 13/02/2009 19:53

can he try council contractors? i know lots of money is being given to build more playgrounds. (sorry if that's not helpful)

Ivykaty44 · 13/02/2009 19:53

spring lamb - why dont you like martin lewis? Just curious, if thats ok (am not big fan or anything )

springlamb · 13/02/2009 19:59

I have no real basis for it, IK. And I do believe that some of his advice (such as the 3 month cushion) is very sensible.
Perhaps I dislike his delivery - very fast and 'get this done right now' and I think sometimes it's easier said than done when you get into the small print.

LoveMyGirls · 13/02/2009 20:00

Hate to say it but the letters and phone thing is a bit of a man thing isn't it really, if you're better at it then theres no harm in you doing that while he does more round the house that's all i'm saying Hopefully work will pick up but who knows?

Is there anything else he is good at that he could do on the side?

When I was starting my business and it was hard to get customers I did evening and weekend work to bring some money in, could he do that on a temp basis if there's still no work in 4 or 5 mths time?

Original poster

mlm19 · 13/02/2009 20:14

He will have to. I think part of the problem is he has NEVER been in this position or knows anyone who has been, he is a real "it will be ok" very positive type of person.

He was so proud when they became a Ldt company as he didn't enjoy school and struggled to be supported my his parents etc. The title 'company director' made him feel special (it didn't mean anything really but he was sooo pleased). I do feel mean moaning at him and I do think your right Lovemygirls, I should back off for a bit but I am just so scared, scared of losing the income and all that brings but equally scared of not seeing my DS grow up if I need to work full time.

OP posts:

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