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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I am being dumped?

27 replies

gingernutlover · 13/02/2009 15:31

i have a friend who I have known for around 15 years who is basically ignoring me. We dont see each other lots now we are older, I have kids, she doesnt, I am married she is not

we generally meet up for a chat every couple of months or so and have dinner or go to the cinema

we last met up in nov and agreed we would go xmas shopping, anyway she seemed to be very "busy" and unable to name a date so I said, fine, lets go sales shopping instead.

Her mum came to visit from overseas and ended up spending a lot longer here than was planned which I understand but she is basically ignoring me now, texts, facebook etc. I know from her facebook she has been seeing other friends lately so I cant understand why she is ignoring me

I think she is trying to cut me out of her life, which if this is the case, then its her loss I guess but I feel pissed off with her uncaring attitude, we have been friends a long time and have been through tough times in the past helping each others etc

I hav had depression since my dd was bron, 3.5 years a go and all I can think is that I have turned into such an uninteresting miserable old cow that she is basically dumping me

I have tried phoning her but I guess she is either out or screening her calls, and doesnt return my messages

I feel quite angry towards her and am left wondering why she is treating me like this, I may not be the same person I was at 13 but I am certainly not completely changed

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfGhosts · 13/02/2009 15:46

I think it's sad, but tbh, you should take the hint and move on.

Perhaps she's not as good a friend as you thought she was.

Perhaps she feels overwhelmed by your needs (do you confide in her a lot?) which is a bit unkind of her, but sometimes a friend who needs so very much from you can be draining after some time. Now this is not to be interpreted as being your fault, that's not what I'm saying. But it is hard to be a rock for someone for a very long time.

Or perhaps because your lives are so different, you don't have enough to 'bind' you, iyswim and her friends are people who are at the same point in their lives as she is?

I think I would just leave it, in this situation. You have done a lot of running, she has batted you away, that's a clear message. If she wants to spend time with you, she knows where you are.

Some friendships have an expiry date and it's good to recognise it when you see it, and move on.

barnsleybelle · 13/02/2009 15:48

This is her problem and not yours. I feel for you. It is hard when your lives are so different but true friendships can survive this.
Try to stop worrying about her and move on. She's not worth it if she can treat you like this. I had pnd after my 2nd dd and i certainly don't think you will have turned into a miserable old cow at all. You needed/need a bit of understanding and tlc at this time from your friends. She has shown her true colours and doesn't sound like she deserves you.
Good luck

MorrisZapp · 13/02/2009 15:49

Superb post from hecate. I agree. I have a friend who has dumped me too (she has kids, I don't) and I have accepted it and let go.

Who knows, perhaps in the future things will be different but for now, it is what it is.

Original poster
gingernutlover · 13/02/2009 15:55

okay thanks ladies like you say she has in no uncertain terms told me she no longer requires me as a friend.

for what its worth I helped her a lot through a nasty bout of depression (hers not mine) when her mum moved to Oz with about 3 days notice, she needed me then and I was there for her. Like you say it is her problem not mine and she is obviously not the friend I thought she was.

also, I dont think I have ever burdened her, and I dont think I am a particularly needy person, I bottle it all up inside instead.

Wierd thing is, when I saw her in Nov she was full of how she has bought tickets for us both to see Take That this July (we will both be 30 this year within a couple of weeks) and she seemed genuainely excited about us going together - as was I. I think this is what has made me a bit hmm about her behaviour

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 13/02/2009 16:01

Put your energy into your family and some other friends for awhile, and let her realise shes missing you

But sometimes things happen, my bestfriend and I have been so busy we haven't had the chance to actually meet and exchange our dcs xmas gifts, btn both our dc's being sick and work, we haven't had time,
we joke about how awful we are but I know she won't fall out with me and shes know I won't fall out with her

Original poster
gingernutlover · 13/02/2009 16:01

oh and thanks barnsleybelle for Your kind reply

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 13/02/2009 16:04

Sound like she wounldn't be much a of a friend to you anymore anyway.
You say that you haven't changed too much - well maybe she has.
Don't focus on it being your problem - there is nothing wrong with you. Your lives have just gone down different paths.
Sometimes you just have to accept that a friendship is over.
Get out there and meet some new friends with whom you have more in common

Original poster
gingernutlover · 13/02/2009 16:09

i have other friends

christ this thread is making me feel like even more or a sad lonely nearly 30 somthing

My question was basically AIBU to think this is what her bahaviour means?

It wasn't am I sad old cow and should I get over it? But thats obviously how I came across

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 13/02/2009 16:11

sorry, was only trying to offer some reassurance.

wotulookinat · 13/02/2009 16:13

So, YANBU in that you are being dumped.

Original poster
gingernutlover · 13/02/2009 16:13

sorry that message wasnt particularly aimed at you.

I do have other friends, ones with children who I see more of than I ever did her, and ones at work. I find it very hard to make friends and I am really struggling with my depression at the moment, having pretty crappy thought etc etc and to be honest I thought maybe I was overthinking her behaviour ..... but from your reactions I am not, which is fine, thanks for your opinions

OP posts:
Original poster
gingernutlover · 13/02/2009 16:14

it just feels a bit like everyone is saying "yeah you sad old cow, she doesnt want to be your friend and we can see why" but then again thats probbably the depression talking

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 13/02/2009 16:20

yep, that is just the depression talking.

cupcake76 · 13/02/2009 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SadMarg · 13/02/2009 16:26

If you only ever see her once every few months, then it could be that she has just been caught up with things.

How long has she been ignoring you? Sounds like a few weeks to me as sales would have been in January, but she had her mum over for awhile. Have all your 'contacts' been about making a time to get together, or have any of them been just a 'wondering how you've been' type of contact?

How about a simple 'Hey, why are you ignoring me? - I'm going to start being offended soon if I don't hear from you!'.

I would have thought a 15 years friendship was capable of withstanding a few months absence.

Simplysally · 13/02/2009 16:27

Try and get on with other things for a while... see if she comes back to you. I used to spend a lot of time with one friend but then we drifted apart... now we tend to see each other about once a month (we text nearly every day though). Sometimes you can go through stages with friendships.

Original poster
gingernutlover · 13/02/2009 16:28

thanks cupcake

i have an appointment to discuss councelling next week whiledd is at nursery (a rare day off work) and although that will take some time I'm hoping it will help

my other friend suggested sending her a nasty text or removing her from ym facebook but to be honest after writing all this I have found that I care about her about as much as I care about everything else at the moment and I cant be bothered to do anything at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingernutlover · 13/02/2009 16:30

sad marg, I am pretty sure she is ignoring me

ffor a while it has been me that makes most oof the running and she is most definatly not replying to any contact I try to make, whether it be hi how are you? or When are you free?

OP posts:
ChampagneDahling · 13/02/2009 17:10

You've already had great advice from some sensible people here and I can't add much except to say that you certainly don't sound like a sad cow to me - and believe me I've met a few - moooo!

Please don't send her a nasty text or anything - it may just be that she has her own problems at the moment and needs a bit of space. Maybe (and obviously I don't know) but maybe she is jealous - you sound like you have got sorted at the moment (apart from the PND with which I wish you luck ) and maybe just maybe she wishes she had a bit more of what you've got...

Give her space and hopefully you will not have lost her as a friend for ever.

Original poster
gingernutlover · 13/02/2009 17:24

no no CD I wont dont worry, apart from the fact I dont seem to care that much now i have written it down I have my pride to keep intact - and the moral high ground. She may well be a person who ignores friends of 15 years but I am most definatly a person who sends nasty text messages, I am better than that.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingernutlover · 13/02/2009 17:24

NOT a person who sends nasty text messages!

oooops

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 13/02/2009 17:36

I have a friend who I've known for 20 years (gawd we're old!) and she seems to blow hot and cold sometimes. There have been times when I've felt dumped, and times when I've felt that I'm putting in far more effort than her. At one point I decided to just forget about her for a while, stop contacting her and see what happened. After a few months, she got in touch and we've been seeing each other fairly regularly again. Sometimes life just happens, and we can read things into other people's behaviour that just isn't there.

She might be dumping you, or she might just be really wrapped up in something. It's hard to know. Either way, it's not doing you any good to chase her or overanalyse the situation. And just in case she is just busy, I'd suggest not sending nasty texts or anything. Just let it lie for a while and forget about it. Either she'll come back or she won't, but either way you won't have burned any bridges or caused unnecessary hurt.

LucyEllensmummy · 13/02/2009 18:13

I think you have every right to ring her and ask her WTF is going on actually!! She has treated you badly so why should she just get away with brushing you off? I would want to know what her problem was before i never spoke to the cow again.

Original poster
gingernutlover · 13/02/2009 18:26

she's not a cow - well not neccesarily

i'm not goignt o send any nasty messages, or demand an explanation. But i would say that it is SHE knowingly or unknowingly who has caused the hurt. Unfortunatly this is not the first time she has been a bit selfish or self centred, so its not totally out of character. But we are all a bit like that sometimes aren't we

OP posts:
kitbit · 13/02/2009 18:34

Hecate is very wise. I keep twitching over the keys to write something very helpful and clever...and finding that she has already said something much better and more insightful

But she's right. And don't be hard on yourself about it, these things happen naturally sometimes, it's nobody's fault. x

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