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Original poster

Am I being too picky with men??

33 replies

MissSingleton · 12/02/2009 23:07

God I'm so fed up with the whole dating thing. I've changed my name for this as I genuinly am starting to feel like I'm being unreasonable but I NEED to input before I drive myself nuts.

I've been single for over 5 years now and I've spent a lot of time getting to know myself, increasing my confidence and thinking about what I want out of life.

I KNOW I am ready for another relationship but its hard for me to get out and meet people so I'm trying online dating.

I have ignored lots of messages so far (well, I've responded to the first one from each person to be polite but left it after that).

I did however continue conversation with 3 men.

I liked the sound of all 3 at first but now I'm doubting them too.

This was my most recent message from man 1 = (edited slightly to remove personal details)

"so i met 1 lass on here but she wos hard work would send 200 txts a day and if i dident reply to every one i was cheating mmmm carnt be botherd to txt all day espec if im busy dont mind chatting on computer wen not busy but thats different , ive broght my lad up he hardly sees his mother as shes to busy sleeping around hope she catches sumat lol.....must admit iv 4t about a holiday must declare iv never been abroad just always had a better idea for a grand at the time if you know what i mean would like to do one this yr try living abit more so what about you"

And to be honest, I feel so deflated I just can't be bothered to reply.

Man 2: Nothing wrong with his English or messages but he's recently declared that he lives with his parents and sister, goes to the theatre with his sister and the last time he went to the cinema was with his parents. I am put off. Shallow?

Man 3: I have been talking to him for 4 weeks now and know nothing about him. He's boring.

Please be honest with me, am I being too picky? am I being shallow? should I give up on net dating? are they all like this?

OP posts:
madlentileater · 12/02/2009 23:11

can't see anything wrong with 2, tbh.
however, my general rule is that it pays to be picky with men.

mrsblanc · 12/02/2009 23:23

man 2 is a maybe!

You don't REALLY know unless you meet them but I agree I would not be inclined to meet batchelor number one.

Speed dating?

mamas12 · 12/02/2009 23:24

Be picky. In my book picky = careful.
okay.
Thank you for helping me make my mind up about even starting that sort of thing. I think I need the human angle to really suss someone out. ~After 4 weeks you it's a waste isn't it.
What do you think of speed dating and have you tried it?
I am now going to live my future dating plans through you now if that's ok.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 12/02/2009 23:25

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ilovepinotnoir · 12/02/2009 23:26

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Janos · 12/02/2009 23:27

Nothing wrong with being picky! Very sensible.

Man 1...txt spk wld put me off 2 also he sounds a bit erm...too open?

Man 2 sounds OK, maybe? Depends why he is living at home.

Boring man, don't bother. If he's boring now, well he'll get a lot worse.

DandyLioness · 12/02/2009 23:34

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retiredgoth2 · 12/02/2009 23:41

...from your description, I think 'number two' may be a friend of mine. Is this him?

Just a thought...

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 12/02/2009 23:41

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unavailable · 12/02/2009 23:48

You are in no way being too picky.

You should change your dating site.

retiredgoth2 · 12/02/2009 23:50

....though, in all seriousness, judging from your respondents I wonder whether you have been wise in your choice of site.

I met my SF* via an interweb dating site, and was a member of a few.

Different sites have different sorts of people (on some sites, distressingly, this may be rendered as 'ppl'. Shudder)

...I can guarantee that anyone using 'txt lnguge' on Guardian Soulmates, for example, is doing so ironically. 'Twas there that I found SF. It is also, however, peopled by quite a few humourless lentil munchers. You pays yer money, you takes yer choice...

POF is, and I choose this word carefully, ghastly. Doubtless there are good people there, but finding them is a thankless task.

Don't.

....and various points inbetween.

....so you are right to be 'picky', because I am SURE there are plenty of people out there better than those you describe.

You just need to know where to look...

*KEY. SF= 'Special Friend'

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 12/02/2009 23:54

Oh be picky. Be as picky as you want. Read a few threads on here for examples of what happens to women (and men) so desperate for a relationship that they will settle for any old sociopath/cocklodger/insanitary wierdo.
Do you have enough childcare to take up any kind of regular social activity for its own sake (a sports club, a pub quiz team, whatever)? as it's often good to meet new people in an environment that's not just about dating.
Good luck, anyway.

DandyLioness · 12/02/2009 23:59

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RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 13/02/2009 07:40

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Fluffybubble · 13/02/2009 09:50

My brother lives at home as he cannot afford to buy a place of his own, and doesn't want to rent. He also takes me out (including to the theatre!), and he's lovely!! No 2 sounds nice!!

leonifay · 13/02/2009 10:05

be picky, dont lower your standards, decide what you want and find it!
my now husband lived at home when i met him, and he used to go out with his sister and parents alot. it turned out he had just moved back from france where he had been working for 2 years, he hadnt had the chance to see his family while he was over there, and had promiced when he finnished work he would spend 'quality' time with them.
i know what you mean tho, initially it put me off, till i found out why.
i would definatly find out more about him!

SpringBlossom · 13/02/2009 11:04

I met my DP on Encounters (Times dating site); I'm not a Times reader but I'd done a couple of others and they had produced a big fat zero. I would say don't judge people too quickly - for the first few meetings I was hugely unconvinced by DP but we're now getting married in a few weeks and I shudder at the thought that I actually went along to one early date planning to dump him. It took him (and I presume me) ages to come out of our shell - it was only about three months after I meet him I found out what a fantastically dry sense of humour he has - he was much too nervous to show it early on.

With regard to the three you mention - number 1 sounds a complete oaf, I would avoid like the plague. The other two might be worth a coffee. I don't know if this depresses on cheers you up -I had literally LOADS of dates before I met DP. I never met anyone remotely scary and in fact, most people just reinforced my faith in human nature that there are lots of decent blokes out there - that didn't necessarily mean I wanted them to be my boyfriend...

cory · 13/02/2009 11:12

No 1: everything is the fault of the woman- it will be your fault next. Run fast!

No 2. More details required.

No. 3. Hard to tell, some people aren't at their best when writing.

Nekabu · 13/02/2009 11:43

No.1 ... OMG! Run awaaaaaay!

No.2 - clarify his situation.

No.3 - have you asked him about himself and he's not answered?

Don't know which site you're on but maybe give match.com a go.

43Today · 13/02/2009 11:48

Yes I agree that no 2 could be given a chance in the flesh.

RE online dating in general - surely the point of it is to go on a date with one or more men? Not email, or text, or chat on the phone? It's only when you meet a person in real life that you really know whether there is a spark. Someone can be very good at emails, or rubbish at chatting on the phone - neither of these qualities are important in a real-life relationship.

Obviously you can tell a certain amount about someone by initial emails (eg text speak man..) but unless someone is blatantly not for you, I think you should meet up in person for a drink or a coffee, as soon as possible. Then you will know whether to waste spend any more time on getting to know him.

Otherwise you're just faffing about in cyberspace with someone who could be god knows who.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/02/2009 12:18

I think you should investigate number 2 further. Maybe he hasn't given much thought to how he's coming across but is just being honest and truthful and not trying to dress himself up, which in my book are Good Things. Definitely investigate further.
When DH and I met we were both living with our parents, he because of getting divorced, and me because I was changing jobs and saving for a house deposit.

Monkeygi · 13/02/2009 12:22

Agree with the others. 1 and 3 def no-nos. 2 might be a possibility. You could also try changing your preferences slightly- I actually met my dh at a nightclub whilst on a v boozy hen night () and it transpired that we had both been on the same dating site at the same time but not been matched up because his preferences stated a non-smoker up to -ahem- a certain age. I am both a smoker and 5 years older than him but we are still soulmates. Sometimes the computer just can't get it right....
Oh and yes try other sites.

DaddyJ · 13/02/2009 12:37

I am a bloke - and I am (reasonably) picky.

Give candidate number 2 a chance.
Rejecting him out of hand just because of his circumstances would be somewhat shallow.

duchesse · 13/02/2009 12:51

My sister's list is far more shallow and includes vast numbers of undesirable first names. I've told she's unlikely ever to find someone suitable unless she relaxes her requirements. I think I'd suspend potential concerns about number 2 and give him a chance. He sounds as though he could either be a dreadful mummy's boy or an absolute gem. You won't find out until you meet him.

Too much text speak in number 1's reply- that would defo put me off; also he sounds like vindictive bastard.

Number 3 may just be shy. If you decide to meet him though, make sure it's in a crowded place! And send his photo straight to a few friends at the start of the date.

tumtumtetum · 13/02/2009 12:54

Number 2 worth a try i reckon.

Number 3 - some people don't write well he might be different in RL.

I would say maybe give them both a meet - see what you think - but if after RL meeting your instinct says no then just drop them.

It pays to be picky IMO - if what you are doing is called picky.

If you were saying you couldn't possibly date someone because they were too tall/too short/had a tattoo/liked whelks or something I would say you were picky.