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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want bad news on my birthday

55 replies

dancingonmice · 12/02/2009 18:57

MIL called at breakfast to give us some bad news. The husband of her friends daughter has very sadly passed away. We do not know this couple, but their baby was due on the same day as our DD, both first grandchildren so we were kind of connected by experience.

Have felt sad all day, what an awful thing to happen to a young family and completely out of the blue. But I think it was selfish of my MIL for calling to tell us this news on my birthday. She was upset so wanted to talk to DP but I feel like the right thing would have been to wait 24 hours or to confide in one of her friends. My MIL does push my buttons so I genuinely want to know whether others think I am BU or not?

OP posts:
sobanoodle · 12/02/2009 19:23

I'm sorry to say this dancingonmice but you do sound a bit like my 8 year old, and she can often be talked out of her normal-for-her-age self centredness !

I'm also recalling a nanny who used to work for us who was birthday obsessed to the extent she seemed emotionally stuck at about age 11 when it came to Her Day. I worked flexibly when she was with us and often (she stayed 4 years) could allow her the day off - because heaven forbid she should have to Do Anything She Didn't Want To on the day - but if that wasn't possible she was clearly devastated and miserable. Sh also ordered flowers for herself every year and fussed over the cake...used to freak me out actually, as otherwise she was a great nanny.

lou031205 · 12/02/2009 19:26

My aunt was diagnosed with cancer in June last year, and was expected to die in late august. She amazed the doctors by holding on, until my birthday. We had visited her every other day, then every day until then. So I was woken up to a phone call at 05.45 to tell me that she had died I spent the morning of my birthday with family around her.

YABU - death isn't a respector of birthdays, and your MIL will be affected for some time, whereas your birthday next year will be just as normal.

independiente · 12/02/2009 19:27

I don't think it's beyond the pale to think 'oh god that is awful, poor family', followed by a tiny 'wish I hadn't had to hear that today'. But really that should have been followed by an immediate 'what am I thinking?! Poor family!'
Anyway, sounds like you've got your head around that now.
You can celebrate your birthday anytime really...

kettlechip · 12/02/2009 19:27

I think you've got to consider how you'd have reacted if a friend had called with the news rather than your MIL. Hopefully with great sympathy, and not a thought for your birthday mood being spoiled.
I think your reaction (think you've been a bit precious, sorry..) was possibly more to do with the messenger rather than the actual news being given to you on your birthday. Happy birthday btw!

independiente · 12/02/2009 19:29

ps: Happy Birthday for whenever you feel like celebrating it!

Lizzylou · 12/02/2009 19:32

Count your blessings
YABU (but I think you've probably grasped that by now).
Your MIL wanted comfort and to speak with her son, she wasn't out to spite you or ruin your birthday, no matter what she has done in the past. I think your relationship with her has obviously clouded your judgement.

Leo9 · 12/02/2009 19:42

Agree YABU. As you've said yourself you don't even know these people so it's hardly going to ruin your day, though it's sad to hear of this happening to any family.

Also agree with servalan that your MIL obviously needed to talk about this and why not so you should have been thinking of her feelings instead of yours

Sounds like you have taken the point - but yes you were being extremely 'precious' about this.

Original poster
dancingonmice · 12/02/2009 19:42

kettlechip you are very wise.

There is a history there, and although can see I am very wrong in this instance there has been times when she has made my life difficult (she told me I was starving my 3 day old DD, not what I needed to hear when I was struggling to get the hang of breastfeeding - feel I have to give an example or you will all think I am completely godawful). Perhaps if I let go of baggage such as these my default settings would not be so negative where she is concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
dancingonmice · 12/02/2009 19:44

Also, I think I have asked a very stupid question.

OP posts:
Clayhead · 12/02/2009 19:48

Dancingonmice, I do think YABU but you have also taken this thread very graciously!

Lizzylou · 12/02/2009 19:50

Bless you Dancingonmice, MIL's can be difficult and I know I went through a phase where she could do no right.
But well done for taking this on the chin and accepting you may have been wrong.

Happy Birthday

Original poster
dancingonmice · 12/02/2009 19:51

Clayhead I actually feel a bit sick now.

OP posts:
Original poster
dancingonmice · 12/02/2009 19:54

Thank you Lizzylou, I'd have to be pretty narrow minded to override what everyone has pointed out to me (with knobs on).

OP posts:
sobanoodle · 12/02/2009 19:54

You've accepted you were wrong, and we applaud you for it. Now pull yourself together and have a happy birthday

Lizzylou · 12/02/2009 19:56

Get a glass of wine down your neck and enjoy your birthday

Original poster
dancingonmice · 12/02/2009 19:59

Glass of wine in hand

thanks!

OP posts:
chandellina · 12/02/2009 20:25

i found out on my birthday this year that a very good friend from school had died days before. it made me really treasure my life, husband and beautiful son.

YABVU!!

mylifemykids · 12/02/2009 21:08

I shall toast your birthday (and good grace) with you lol

Servalan · 12/02/2009 21:23

Adding to the Happy Birthday wishes too

I totally understand that it can sometimes be difficult to be reasonable where baggage is involved. Enjoy the glass of wine!

Timeisablindguide · 12/02/2009 21:30

I think everyone's being rather harsh as I'm sure you weren't being as cold hearted as some of the posters are making you out to be but, as you said yourself, posting this on the Am I Being Unreasonable thread is bound to bring some forthright comments! Happy Birthday! Maybe you should post again Am I Being Unreasonable to expect that MNetters will be nice about me on my birthday?!!!!!

Hulababy · 12/02/2009 21:30

Glad you took te thread well and accepted that you were being unreasonable on this occasion.

Hope you had a happy birthday despite this. (good day for a birthday - mine too )

mm22bys · 12/02/2009 21:33

Happy Birthday to you too, I'm having a glass of wine too so I'm toasting you!

ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 12/02/2009 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

charleymouse · 12/02/2009 21:45

Happy Birthday Dancingonmice and Hulababy

TooFoggy · 13/02/2009 12:32

I think she should have told your DH and left him to tell you the next day.