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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? DP or my parents?

41 replies

grumblinalong · 11/02/2009 09:51

I'll try to keep this short. I genuinely don't know who is being unreasonable and I'm getting myself a bit worked up.

My parents have told DS1(5) that he can sleep at their house one night this w/e. I was there when the conversation took place and due to being tired and stressed at the moment, I didn't really engage my brain when they agreed it between themselves.

I told DP about it last night and he said 'What about DS2 (16 months), is he going too?' When I told him that my dad had said DS2 can't sleep because he's too much hard work (he's a night waker) DP was not happy. He says this is unfair and that the dc's shouldn't be 'cherry picked'. I spoke to my mum and told her that DP wasn't very happy and she immediately went on the defensive saying 'So you're saying DS1 has to suffer because of DS2?'

I can see both their POV - in some ways it is unfair on DS2 (who will miss his brother and be bored without him) but also my mum and dad are helping out and DS1 will miss out on something he's looking forward to if I don't let him go. I tried to be diplomatic and sensitive with my mum but she was obviously annoyed and offended. I feel a bit piggy in the middle and now have both DP and my parents are annoyed with me. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 11/02/2009 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FaintlyMacabre · 11/02/2009 09:55

Your boys will do plenty of different things from each other over the next few years - you don't have to treat them equally to treat them fairly IYSWIM. A 5 year old is completely different from a 16 month old and will get more out of the experience anyway.

So, I think your DP is being unreasonable.

NellieKnott · 11/02/2009 09:55

Your DP is being a prat.

Your parents are NBU, they want to have their 5 year old GS to stay because it will be fun for the three of them.

DS2 will not be bored w/out his brother - he will have you and DP.

In years to come it will be perfectly acceptable for them to have a sleepover with one child at a time. They don't have to take both at once if they feel it's too much for them.

MrsTittleMouse · 11/02/2009 09:56

I can see DH's point, but I don't think that he's right. It's good to treat the children the same, but there will always be things that the eldest can do that the youngest can't - yet. You can make it a fun time for DS2, who can get all of your attention if you like.

If your parents still don't want to have DS2 when he's older and sleeping through then that's a whole different matter of course.

sameagain · 11/02/2009 09:56

This is an excellent opportunity to tell DS2 that he will be able to go too once he SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!

I do understand your DH POV, but also think it's a bit much to ask grandparents to have a child you know will have them up in the night.

beanieb · 11/02/2009 09:56

have to agree, your DP needs to realise that having just one grand-child over doesn't mean they are picking favourites.

VinegarTits · 11/02/2009 09:59

I agree with Ruby

When i was little me and my brothers used to take it turn to peice to stay at grandparents house, having us all was too much for them to handle, plus we got to spend one to one time with them, nothing wrong in that, i think your dp is bu

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 11/02/2009 09:59

I think at 16months it will really not harm your DS2 emotional development to be left at home. Grandparents should get the nice bits of being a parent and therefore I can totally understand them not, at this stage, wanting DS2 overnight. It will probably be nice for DS1 to be top dog for a night rather than sharing attention with a 16month old.
So your DP is being unreasonable.

thisisyesterday · 11/02/2009 09:59

i think your dp is being unreasonable.

just because they are siblings does not mean they are joined at the hip.
ds2 will have opportunities to stay with the grandparents once he is older.

right now he is a baby, who needs you in the night. he won't give a toss whether or not he goes. I know for sure my 16m old would have NO idea what was going on, so please don't feel guilty on his behalf.

ds2 gets some nice time with mummy and daddy and ds1 gets a treat with grandparents.
it's absolutely fine

Surfermum · 11/02/2009 10:01

Isn't it a sort of win-win situation? Your ds1 gets one to one time with his grandparents, your ds2 gets one to one time with you and your dh.

Sorry you get the non-sleeper though!

Original poster
grumblinalong · 11/02/2009 10:01

Thanks for your replies. My parents are very young (in their 40's) so it's not really that they don't feel up to it, but it is hard work and I can see that they wouldn't want an upset baby to deal with if it's not necessary.

It is hard for DP because DS1 is his stepson but he has full financial and parental responsibility for him but because I lived with my parents when DS1 was born they do treat him differently to DS2. They have a lot more say IYKWIM. DS1 has spent more time with them and is very comfortable (and spoilt!) with them, whereas DS2 has a more 'normal' grandparent relationship.

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 11/02/2009 10:01

Wow! An AIBU where we all agree.

Love sameagain's suggestion.

Gorionine · 11/02/2009 10:02

I think your DP is being a bit unreasonable but, maybe he was thinking that if your parents have both he could have some time with you...

RumourOfAHurricane · 11/02/2009 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RubyRioja · 11/02/2009 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
grumblinalong · 11/02/2009 10:06

Gorionine - he was thinking that! We are so tired and grumpy with each other at the moment and it will be valentines day so I think he was just campaigning for some 'us' time.

OP posts:
lilymolly · 11/02/2009 10:06

I am also with sameagain

I think your dp is being unreasonable, alhough following on from your last post, I can sort of understand why he wants them treat the same way, but until your youngest sleeps through the night, I would not allow him to stay over unless the grandparents where aware of this, and could cope with getting up in the night.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect the gps to have your eldest only
hth

Original poster
grumblinalong · 11/02/2009 10:09

LOL Ruby - it's mid-late forties don't worry! They had me very very very young!

It is all a very sensitive situation and I suppose I just haven't got the mental capacity to work it all out at the moment - sleep deprivation = mushy brain.

OP posts:
Gorionine · 11/02/2009 10:10

Can you parents have them both for a day? It would sort the waking up in the night problem but still give yourself and DP some "quality time"?

RubyRioja · 11/02/2009 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonsoirAnna · 11/02/2009 10:13

Your DH is being very unreasonable. Grandchildren don't come as a package deal - they are individuals, who deserve one on one time with GPs. This does not preclude GPs having all the grandchildren together at other times.

And think, your DS2 will have a wonderful opportunity to be alone with his parents. He won't be bored - he'll be THRILLED.

Original poster
grumblinalong · 11/02/2009 10:13

I doubt my mum will have either of them now I've annoyed her! I should have kept my mouth shut and just made sure it didn't turn into a regular occurence. So much for being open and honest.

OP posts:
Sheeta · 11/02/2009 10:13

I think DP is. I'm the eldest of 3 and I do remember not being allowed to do things because they weren't suitable for my younger siblings - Mum was trying to treat us all fairly, but never thought it was fair.

Obviously this doesn't really apply to your DS's just yet, but may do soon?

thisisyesterday · 11/02/2009 10:14

i'm sure she will! grandparents can't resist the lure of the grandchild

my parents are currently setting up a bed for DS1 who is 4, and getting all excited about having him overnight.

and, for the record, the 16m old will NOT be going lol

Gorionine · 11/02/2009 10:17

Ruby, one does not have to go out to have a nice time with a DP one loves! And it does not have to be on Valentine's day either!

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