Who is BU? DP or my parents?

[grumblinalong]

I'll try to keep this short. I genuinely don't know who is being unreasonable and I'm getting myself a bit worked up.

My parents have told DS1(5) that he can sleep at their house one night this w/e. I was there when the conversation took place and due to being tired and stressed at the moment, I didn't really engage my brain when they agreed it between themselves.

I told DP about it last night and he said 'What about DS2 (16 months), is he going too?' When I told him that my dad had said DS2 can't sleep because he's too much hard work (he's a night waker) DP was not happy. He says this is unfair and that the dc's shouldn't be 'cherry picked'. I spoke to my mum and told her that DP wasn't very happy and she immediately went on the defensive saying 'So you're saying DS1 has to suffer because of DS2?'

I can see both their POV - in some ways it is unfair on DS2 (who will miss his brother and be bored without him) but also my mum and dad are helping out and DS1 will miss out on something he's looking forward to if I don't let him go. I tried to be diplomatic and sensitive with my mum but she was obviously annoyed and offended. I feel a bit piggy in the middle and now have both DP and my parents are annoyed with me. Who is being unreasonable?

Could you somehow arrange a rota? Next time GPs have DS2 alone then next time possibly have both so you and dp can have sometime on your own - even if just a day and not overnight - then DS1 again and so on? Compromises are best and "some" GPs can have favourites which is tough on the others involved. Agree DS2 is still v young though - hope he starts sleeping thro soon...

Queen even!

We have three, and my MIL has never had all three of them to stay at once - and the youngest had to learn that he had to wait for some things until he was old enough. And each of them has loved going there and having Grandma's sole attention - and they have never felt that it made one of them 'the favourite', either.

When ds2 is old enough and sleeping through, I'm sure that your parents will have him for a sleepover on his own, and it will be great for him to have some one-on-one time with them.

Perhaps you could put it to your dh that your dc's will be treated the same, but that he is going to have to learn that he can't have everything at the same time that ds1 does - that it's like buying them presents - you spend the same amount on them, but you get them something that is appropriate for their age, not something identical just so that they feel neither one is a favourite.

Your DP is being completely unreasonable.

Ridiculous to suggest that grandparents should have both children if they are not up to it. Maybe when your younger dc is older and more reliable at sleeping then it would be different.

DD is 5 and ds is 3. DD occasionally sleeps at my brother's, MIL's or my mother's house. DS not yet. It is a treat for dd, and doable as it currently stands. When ds is older and more mature then they might both go to stay the night together. Or separately, depending upon what the host wants. As it stands at the moment it is a big ask IMO. And is lovely for dd to have time alone with relatives and for us to have ds at home on his own.

I agree with you Ruby, I was just thinking that if they really cannot find "us time" any time is a bonus!I am sorry, I did sound a bit harsh!

Your children are not conjoined twins. They are two different people.

You can give your little one a treat when the older gets to go stay with gps. My brothers often went to stay with my dad's mum in her lovely flat overlooking St Ives harbour for weeks in the summer, and I never did. I got to go to other places instead and had The Parents to myself with lots of outings and special treats etc to make up for it.

'It is hard for DP because DS1 is his stepson'

That answered my question before I asked it. I just knew that was going to be the 'problem' with your DP! My parents took DS on holiday for a week last year when he'd just turned 3. DD was 16 months and I didn't for one minute think she was being left out.

I think it's fine for your parents to have one and not the other. No doubt DS2 will get a turn when he's older.

Can DP's parents have the 16mo that night? Then you are free of both kids.

I think your DP is BU and it would BU to expect your parents to take a 16mo who doesn't sleep through.

dp is deifnitely being unreasonable
my 5 year old has been to stay on his own with dh's parents since he was 2
he's staying for a week in the summer holidays
dd will stay here because she can go to nursery while we both are at work
it is important that the eldest gets one to one time with his grandparents and your lo can have the same when he's older

I think your dp is being unreasonable to expect them both to go at the same time but from your later post I suspect that this is more about the general relationship between the DSes and your parents. You yourself say:

"DS1 has spent more time with them and is very comfortable (and spoilt!) with them, whereas DS2 has a more 'normal' grandparent relationship."

Is this difference between the relationships likely to change as your ds2 gets older? If not then I can see why this would annoy your dp tbh.

Ah, I can understand your DP's concerns more now - if he feels that DS2 has missed out already on grandparent attention. It's a good idea to raise the point about your parents having DS2 on his own when he's older.

My mum looks after my DS one day a week (he is now nearly 2) so he adores her but has only stayed over once at her house because he got so upset in the morning when I wasn't there. A 5 year old is an entirely different proposition.

Your DP is being silly and projecting stuff that probably isn't there. Ring your mum, apologise on behalf of your DP and then ask what time you should bring DS1 over and say how much he's looking forward to it, how kind it is of them, etc. Job done.

Your DP is being unreasonable.

I think your dp is bu but I can see why he is upset. From my experience gps do favour granchildren and it's not easy to accept.

My mum and dad definatly favour their gc...mine unfortunatly are at the end of the line (but we do live in different countries). The one's who live near them are obviously the ones they have spent more time with so therfore the one's who get all the fuss. That's not to say they don't try with mine but it's just the way it is.

You say they have spent alot of time with ds1 and I'm sure as your ds2 gets older they will also form a lovely bond, if that's what your dp is worried about. The first always get the most attention and lets face it a 5 yo is easier to have then a 16mo imo.