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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be ready to kill?

36 replies

Hawkmoth · 10/02/2009 15:16

DP's ExW promised she had put divorce petition into court two weeks ago. Heard nothing, so rang round all possible courts today to see if they had it on their books.

Of course my worst fears were realised and not even a fucking sniff of it.

After six months of her being completely bone idle about the divorce now she has resorted to bare faced lies to get DP off her back. I could honestly kill her.

Her solicitor is supposed to be ringing me back. If not I will get DP to serve her instead. STUPID FUCKING BITCH.

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 10/02/2009 15:21

You don't like her then....

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 10/02/2009 15:25

Oh. Ok then.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 10/02/2009 15:26

why you waiting for her to do it?

Good idea him doing it seeing as you and him want it enough to actually do it.

beanieb · 10/02/2009 15:26

Surely the simplest thing would be for him to serve her? What are the reasons for the divorce?

Original poster

Hawkmoth · 10/02/2009 15:28

Nope!

For months and months she has made promise after promise to start the divorce off. She's not done it for various power-play reasons. She's withdrawn contact with with children because she's "been angry" - her words! She didn't sign DP off the joint account until months AFTER he'd paid off his share of the overdraft.

She's also treated me like absolute crap (think suggesting I want to get the children kidnapped and murdered a la Jamie Bulger - her words again).

These last few weeks she's been an absolute treasure and I was starting to feel guilty about not forgiving her when everyone else was. The satisfaction that I was right does not go any way to assuaging my fury.

OP posts:

hobbgoblin · 10/02/2009 15:29

But why does she have to serve the petition??????????

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 10/02/2009 15:30

Hmm. If he left her for you then she's not likely to be very keen to do you favours, is she? On the other hand, if he left her for other reasons ie she's a passive-agressive PITA then I can see why you're angry but why doesn't your DP just file for divorce? What's the worst that could happen?
(or is it that you are keener on the divorce than him because you want to marry him and he's in no rush? Be careful how you tread as, you know, it might not be all down to Evil Bitch XW...))

Original poster

Hawkmoth · 10/02/2009 15:31

He won't serve her. Or at least he wouldn't up to now. Going to be on unreasonable behaviour (he left as he was desperately unhappy not to be able to do anything for his kids as she was so controlling).

If he did serve it would probably take even longer as she would contest and she has the organisational skills of a one-eyed octopus.

I probably wouldn't be so furious were I not 3 months pregnant...

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 10/02/2009 15:33

Why shouldn't your DP pay off his share of a joint debt?

beanieb · 10/02/2009 15:35

So do you need the stress? Why not chill a bit and just wait. Or is it really important for him to not be married?

Perhaps if you act like it's not a big deal she will stop being so difficult.

dothemonkeydance · 10/02/2009 15:38

Did he leave her for you?

Sassybeast · 10/02/2009 15:38

He shouldn't have a problem divorcing her for unreasonabale behaviour if your accounts are accurate. I don't understand why he is waiting if it is such a huge issue. I'm also not sure why YOU are the one doing all the chasing up. Surely if he was as keen as you to get the ball rolling, he'd be the one to be on the phone ?

Blu · 10/02/2009 15:41

Why should her solicitor ring YOU?

Why isn't your DP sorting this out, rather than you?

Why will you 'get' your DP to do it?

I can understand that you feel frustrated, and maybe insecure because he is still married to someone else and you are pg, but be careful that you don't come across as controlling as you say she was!

Original poster

Hawkmoth · 10/02/2009 15:42

He did pay it off, and she promised that she had given the forms into the bank that removed him from the account. But she didn't - she sat on them for months as 'insurance' after lying to him.

It matters not how we act with her - she enjoys being difficult.

DP will serve her now I'm sure. Just makes me cross that he wouldn't do it 6 months ago when I sussed her out!

Second AIBU, I would't want LO to have his name if he was still married to her. I don't need him to be married to me as such but it's too much if he's not divorced. Don't want to throw that at him as blackmail, because it's awful, I know. I guess I have a few issues after being a single mum before I met him.

I am convinced though that if he serves she will drag out the childcare and maintenance issues for as long as she possibly can because she NEEDS to be in control of the situation.

I'm cross with myself for believing her and letting myself hope.

OP posts:

anniemac · 10/02/2009 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 10/02/2009 15:44

I don't think it makes any diffeence at all whether or not he left the ex for you/she is controlling etc etc ad infinitum.

The point is, if your partner wants to divorce his ex wife he needs to get off his arse and do it, you need to accept that it will probably take a while and keep out of it to a certain extent.

I really cannot see what the urgency is. Surely you are aware that even amicable divorces can take a while to go through.

It's not for you to talking to solicitors etc, that's your partners job, you know, as the one who is actually supposed to be getting divorced.

If i were you i would be cross with partner for not being more assertive and getting on with it.

Original poster

Hawkmoth · 10/02/2009 15:45

Ho hum, yes good point. If he wants it sorted it's his job. If he cba well I guess I have to deal with that separately.

He's one of those men that avoids conflict at all costs. Sadly when the cost is my stress levels I'm pretty much alone in it.

Guess we should have waited til all the loose ends were tied up eh?

OP posts:

Tamarto · 10/02/2009 15:47

I don't think you are coming across very well here. You seem just as unreasonable as her if not worse.

I pressume you knew he was married when you met, and you knew he was still married when you fell pregnant, so yes using the name as ammo is very unresonable!

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 10/02/2009 15:48

But why are you so stressed? Seriously? YOu are not in mortal danger, he is with you and loves you presumably, you are not homeless and waiting for the settlement etc. So why so angry?

CoteDAzur · 10/02/2009 15:49

Well, yes, if having a child with a (technically) married man was such a stress-inducing thing for you, it would have been better to wait until he was divorced before laying off the contraception.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 10/02/2009 15:49

blimey. you sound very ANGRY.... and more than a little controlling!

hobbgoblin · 10/02/2009 15:50

My dp's wife served petition on dp over 18 months ago - they are still not divorced due to her being difficult. It makes no difference who serves the petition as to how long/quick, eay/difficult or costly the divorce is.

It's plain as day to me: neither of them want to get divorced. Doesn't mean they want to be with each other but she is too angry and he is too lacking in impetus.

beanieb · 10/02/2009 15:51

Sometimes, when the shit hits the fan in a relationship, however crappy that relationship was... sometimes it's really really hard to move on and get teh legal stuff done.

Sometimes, without realising you are doing it you can stall the inevitable out of fear.

Maybe your OH needs to be sat down so that you can have a big long discussion about the importance of tying up those loose ends.

Maybe someone needs to do the same with his EX.

anniemac · 10/02/2009 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Blu · 10/02/2009 15:55

I think it is important for you to stay out of it, tbh.

if she finds out, through her solicitor, that YOU have been demanding calls from him / her etc, then she will be even less likely to co-operate. Don't make it into a personal fight between you and her.

Sadly, from her pov, you are a threat. YOU are having a baby which will absorb resources that otherwise would all have gone to his children with her. YOU are having a baby which will have a share of your DPs inheritance. Why should she roll over and make all this easy for you, you DP and his new baby? At the expense, as she sees it, of her children?

Just to play devil's advocate. I'm not saying your DP shouldn't be having a child with you, etc.

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