AIBU to not wanting mil to visit during the week?

[MinkyBorage]

Expect I am, but hey.
We jave 2 dds, age 3.4 and 2.1, and I'm 7 1/2 months pg.
She lives an hour and a half away, so it's not that easy for us to go to her or her to come here, although we do see her every 6 weeks or so. She normally comes here.
Thing is when she is here, she is no help with the dc, although they love her to bits, if I leave her with them and I hear one crying from the other room, I come in to check all is OK and she is invariably sitting on her arse waiting for someone (me) to come and sort it out.
She isn't that fit, so it's quite hard for her to walk too far, and I would worry that she can't keep up with them.
She has told us that there is no way that she would be able to look after both of them, which is fair enough.
When she comes, she is quite high maintenence, talks non stop about herself, wants to go round the shops. Doesn't/wouldn't/can't help. She's just an extra mouth to feed.
We are generally quite busy, and I already struggle to keep up with some playdates. On top of that I am absolutely knackered, so on the three afternoons a week dd1 goes to nursery I've been trying to get a nap. If she came there would be no chance whatsoever as I would have to make food for her and then sit and talk shite about how she wants her curtains.
OK I'll be honest, I find her very boring, and am not hugely keen on her, but I appreciate that is my problem, and the most important thing is her relationship with dc.

The last time she came to stay, she asked if she could come and visit on her own every three weeks (when dh is at work) so she could spend more time with the girls. Of course I said yes, but haven't arranged anything as I don't really want to and I was hoping she would get the hint.

I personally think that ever 6 weeks or so is perfectly reasonable, and I can't see why she can't come at the weekend when dh is around rather than when I am on my own.

What do you think?

God, sorry, very boring and long. Offloading a bit as she called up earlier in a huge rage because I hadn't called to arrange her coming over. Said she didn't want to see us again, and could we make sure we send her a pic of the new baby when he's born. She does this every few weeks.

come on, surely someone can be arsed to read my boring effing thread. Mil's irritated me so much that I can't sleep!

hijack away! Non nursery days are playgroup and social days. Which is irelevant becaus eif iabu then the fact that I'd prefer to be doing other stuff won't make any difference.
God, she's annoying though, but thank goodness it's not every week, that would be AWFUL!

Yes and no. You don't want somebody coming over in the first weeks who is no help as you are going to have enough to do.

But she is your dh's mother and she will want to see the baby.........I'm not sure. If she is always going off in a huff then you can't do anything right for her anyway so you may as well just do what suits you.

What does your dh think? Can he not ask her to come on the weekends so he can see her too?

I think YABU sorry!

A few hours every 3 weeks isn't much out of your life really is it? I DO understand how tired you must be but she is their grandmother.

Why can't she visit at weekends though?

Say yes to her visits and have your nap anyway and get her to read storys to dd2 while dd1 is at nursery. She may not come then

I think there is something you can do to change the way you feel about her visits.

Stop believing that she ought to help out. It would be nice if she did, but she isn't actually under any obligation to be anything other than a visitor.

At the moment, you feel resentful because you feel like she isn't doing what she should - childcare, housework??

If you can only say to yourself - it's not actually her responsibility to do it. There is no law that says she must do it. She doesn't, in fact, have to 'help'.

You could ask for her help. If you are elsewhere and you hear a child cry, call out "Could you deal with X please, I'm tied up. Thanks"

Perhaps she feels that by just helping out, she would be seen as interfering? How many mil moans have we seen on here about mils coming into the house and taking over, doing housework or helping with the kids - and the moan then is that they are taking control, think it's their house, are saying you are incapable....perhaps she doesn't want to be seen like that?

• oh and as for the hissy fit - tantrum law applies. Ignore Ignore Ignore.

Make no contact. When she does (in the end!) act like you hadn't noticed. Be normal. Don't mention that you haven't spoken for a while. If she brings it up, act uninterested and dismissive.

I think that YAB a little U, but it is perfectly understandable.

I felt this way about my MIL once DD was born, my MIL came over with no warning at any time day or night and expected to be waited on hand and foot.
I didn't do it and she soon realized that if she came when DH was here she would get some attention from him.

My MIL comes every bloody week at the weekends and TBH I would rather her come in the week cos then DH, DD and I can spend some time together, but that would be unreasonable of me as she would never see DH.

When DD was born my MIL did nothing to help, I never expected it, but it took me a while to realize that she was unsure of what to do. DH is 29 years old and an only child, he is the only experience of children MIL had ever had. It took her a while but now she will sit with DD and read to her and play with her etc. Good for me as it means I can get on while she is here.

I think in your case every 3 weeks sounds fine, maybe if you specify a particular activity your DC could do with their DGM so that it is special. Something easy like reading a particular book, coloring, or even baking. Maybe this way your MIL would be able to see that as her special time with her DGC and your DC would see that as granny time.
Plus if she does baking with them, they are likely to be engrossed in it and you could pop off to bed for a nap.

Obviously presuming your MIL like baking.

she rang up and told you she doesn't want to see you again?
Well, take her at her word and don't bother with her in future. Anyone ringing me to rage at me on the phone and say they don't want to see us again, would get a huge 'ok well sod off then' and the phone put down on them - and ignored from then on.

OK, I've taken on board your comments. Thanks.

I personally don't see why on earth she doesn't come at the weekend, and if she's prepared to come just for the day during the week, then I can't see any reason why she can't just come for the day at the weekend too. When she comes at the weekend, she usually comes for the whole weekend which is harder.

aGalChangedHerName, I think you're right, I think if she realised what our days entailed, and what her visits during the week would actually consist of then she wouldn't be that keen. I'd feel too bad doing it though, having a nap when she was here. She really is a princess, and I think she'd think it was the height of rudeness not to be attended to properly.

Hecate, I definitely don't expect her to help, or even think that she ought to, it's definitely not her responsibility, I know that, and that's fine. I suppose the only reason I was saying about her not being any help is that because she can't/won't/doesn't help it makes it a lot more difficult to fit in a time for her visits. I think you're right re calling through to her to help out wneh a child's crying though, I just tend to deal with everything myself, but it would do no harm to get her to do that occasionally. I don't resent the fact that she doesn't help, but I really do resent the fact that she's making demands.

I think I'll just ignore the requests for weekday visits and try to sort our more regular daytime visits at the weekends.

The really weird thing about this hissy fit is that the reason that we'd not invited her to come for a hwile is that her mother is not well atm. Ironically mil lives 15 minutes away from her and doesn't want to responsibility of dropping in every day to make her a cup of tea/ have a chat/ check she's OK, so she's in the process of trying to persuade her that she should be in a home. She really is a delightful woman. She's trying to persuade the GP her mother has dementia to help her case! She's been so tied up in this that her visiting hasn't been mentioned at all.

I dont think you are being unreasonable, I am in a similar situation.

She is your DH's Mother, so she should want to come and see him too - would she be someone that would be a friend otherwise?

Speak to him and try and get him to talk to her so that she comes to you when he is there.

StayFrosty, I think your attitude is far better than mine, I really don't fancy taking her to groups becaus she's a pita, but I have to get over it! It just wouldn't be possible to manage her in a way that she could take dd to nursery and then go home, she expects looking after, and I think that that she might be even more pissed off if she didn't get it. Your post is really sensible, but unfortunately a little optimistic, that's more because I'd struggle to handle her in this way without feeling guilty and rude. Hmmmm. God I'm crap.

Does your DH loathe his mother as much as you do?

Does your DH loathe his mother as much as you do?

minky - your MIL sounds very difficult - just like my mother!!! Takes offence at the drop of a hat but manages to make ME feel guilty ALL of the time! Just don't rise to it - pretend like she never said it, if you don't want to invite her over - don't. If your girls want to see her and you don't mind. Be the bigger person and just phone her and offer her over at YOUR convenience.

It sounds like a lot of this is falling to you - what does your DH say?

My rule is MIL visits only when her son is here. Simple but effective.

insertwittynicknamehere. Yes, she needs management! When we went to hers for Christmas, she was very sweet and bought a packet of pastry and a couple of little rolling pins so that her and the girls could sit and make mince pies together. When it came to it, she sat them at the table with their little rolling pins and a lump of cold pastry each and fucked off in to the other room telling everyone how she was doing baking with the, whilst I helped dds. She doesn't get it really. her intentions are good but she is flakey abd very easily bores, and fundamnetally lazy.
stayfrosty, she's not really nasty, she's just extraordinarily selfish and quite stupid.

Minky, your not crap, MIL's are hard bloody work. I sometimes find it is like having 2 toddlers when mine is here. Horrible to say I know but she is hard work.

It's is awful feeling rude, but TBH for your own piece of mind you need to be able to get on with the things that you need/want to do weather she is there or not. If your MIL does not understand that then tough she is just gonna have to put up with it.

Does your MIL see her son at all?? Could you not get DH to take the DD's to MIl's on a weekend then you get time to yourself and no MIL....WIN-WIN.

Nellieknott, I don't really loathe her, and he definitely doesn't. But I get your point!

LucyEllensmummy, DH is the one she was having a fit at on the phone, he just tries ends up feeling really guilty and trying to sort it out. Think he feels caught in the middle somewhat, but he tends to agree with me that there's no reason why she should come during the week.

I would seriously move house stayfrosty if she lived 10 mins away! God what a depressing thought!

Why does she come? To watch the girls? It seems like she's no value to anyone so make her come at the weekend.