AIBU to not wanting mil to visit during the week?

[MinkyBorage]

Expect I am, but hey.
We jave 2 dds, age 3.4 and 2.1, and I'm 7 1/2 months pg.
She lives an hour and a half away, so it's not that easy for us to go to her or her to come here, although we do see her every 6 weeks or so. She normally comes here.
Thing is when she is here, she is no help with the dc, although they love her to bits, if I leave her with them and I hear one crying from the other room, I come in to check all is OK and she is invariably sitting on her arse waiting for someone (me) to come and sort it out.
She isn't that fit, so it's quite hard for her to walk too far, and I would worry that she can't keep up with them.
She has told us that there is no way that she would be able to look after both of them, which is fair enough.
When she comes, she is quite high maintenence, talks non stop about herself, wants to go round the shops. Doesn't/wouldn't/can't help. She's just an extra mouth to feed.
We are generally quite busy, and I already struggle to keep up with some playdates. On top of that I am absolutely knackered, so on the three afternoons a week dd1 goes to nursery I've been trying to get a nap. If she came there would be no chance whatsoever as I would have to make food for her and then sit and talk shite about how she wants her curtains.
OK I'll be honest, I find her very boring, and am not hugely keen on her, but I appreciate that is my problem, and the most important thing is her relationship with dc.

The last time she came to stay, she asked if she could come and visit on her own every three weeks (when dh is at work) so she could spend more time with the girls. Of course I said yes, but haven't arranged anything as I don't really want to and I was hoping she would get the hint.

I personally think that ever 6 weeks or so is perfectly reasonable, and I can't see why she can't come at the weekend when dh is around rather than when I am on my own.

What do you think?

ooh, that's a good idea, insertwittynicknamehere

I'm afraid I don't entirely agree with those who say it's not her responsibility to help out. You are her daughter-in-law, mother of her grandchildren and carrying another grandchild. Why on earth wouldn't she want to do what she can to help??

My MIL offers to help all the time when she's staying, and wouldn't dream of leaving one of the boys to cry whilst waiting for me to come and deal with it.

When I was pregnant, she was helpful, kind and caring - to the extent of telling off my dh when she thought he'd upset me. I never expect her to help but am always grateful for her offers and her assistance. When we are at her house, dh, the boys and I offer our help.

Even if she is not able to do much, she can still do something, and she can still be sensitive and appreciate how tired you are. My mum is more infirm than my MIL but wouldn't dream of acting like your MIL is acting, Minky.

I wouldn't dream of going to someone's house and expecting to be waited on hand and foot - especially if they were very pregnant, tired and had two small children already!! I'd offer to make a cuppa, and ask if there was anything I could do to help - and my friends are all the same.

It is her responsibility to be sensitive, kind and caring towards others around her - that's everyone's responsibility, and clearly she's not doing this, otherwise she'd have noticed how tired you are, and realised how full, busy and tiring your life must be at the moment, and would be putting her needs second!!

She likes it when they talk to her, and she can play games with them that don't involve her moving her arse, like drinking pretend cups of tea etc, then if we go out, she likes it if they walk along holding her hand. Outside of that, I think she struggles!

I think YABU. She comes to see her grandchildren and so I don't think it is her responsibility to deal with disputes or childcare issues.

On the other hand you obviously find her quite irritating so maybe your idea to have her over at times when your husband will be around to entertain her?

My MIL lives ten minutes away and used to park up outside and then ring me to see if it was okay to come
She did it once when DD was about 3 weeks old and I was in the middle of a feeding cluster, DH was working late and I had just got DD to sleep (only slept for 20 mins half an hour at a time) and was trying to get something to eat. I didn't let her in and told her that she needs to ring BEFORE she leave home to see if it is convenient for me. MIL never did that again lol.

I agree with the others though, your DH needs to have a quite gentle word with her that leaves her in no doubt what you and he expect WRT visiting times.

minky i completely support you!! i think your dh should be there to entertain his mil because lets be honest she will be another person for you to look after (make lunch, make sure she ok, getting on with kids etc) so weekends only

over time she can then go out with your dh and the kids and you get some time off

she is bored and wants to be part of your busy life - its not your job to entertain her - did she spend time with her mil? i bet she would say 'good heavens no she was an old bag'

now if you get something out of it fine - eg she comes over and you go to an appt or hair dresser/shopping fine - perhaps you can do that - take baby with you and let her look after the others - then she can babysit that evening so you and dp go out?

What does your DH say about it all?

My DH was adamant that his mum was my responsibility if he wasn't there, so I turned the tables around and asked him if he though my mum or dad would be his responsibility if I wasn't there. Because if that's the way he wants it.......

He soon changed his mind pretty sharpish lol.

"did she spend time with her mil? i bet she would say 'good heavens no she was an old bag'" absolutely right newgirl.

DH good about it, feels a bit torn, mil and fil both use guilt to get what they want and it really works on him. I think he'd be happy for her to come at weekends and completely sees that I shouldn't be responsible for her. He has to be really careful how it is handled though because if he says anything to her which suggests that I don't want her here during the week, then it will be thrown back in anger another time. Think he just needs to say that it's nicer for him if she comes when he is here as he'd like to see her too. Then we can out a date in. Infuriating though because in order to keep the peace it will be himthat approaches her, and he won't get an apology. She was outrageous on the phone last night.

If I were him I wouldn't bother then....she will be in contact, she wants to see your new baby after all.

Poor you MB!

I agree that once every three weeks at a weekend when your DH can entertain her is the way to go.

OR - say 'come on Wed afternoon - we'll be going to blah and the DGC would love it if you came too!' If she's that lazy she'll think again!

I'm with Dropdeadfred. It is not (& will never be) my responsibility to entertain his parents.

You're pregnant with 2 small children - they (dh/ILs) should be lightening your load not adding to it. I'd use this as my opportunity to put my foot down. Say that dh can take the children to visit her at weekends occasionally then you can use the time to rest. Works well for us.

I also agree with DDFred though - wait for her to contact you before you make these suggestions.

If you and your DH can live with the guilt!

If, when I was pregnant, either I or my dh had said to my MIL, "I'm sorry but sunny is so tired at the moment, what with the pregnancy and so on, that she isn't up to visitors" then she would understood completely. She might have suggested coming over but taking us out for a meal or buying a takeaway or cooking herself, but she'd never have tried to make us feel guilty.

Minky - what would your MIL say if you or your dh explained to her how tired you are and how, much as you'd love to see her [fingers crossed behind back emoticon], you just aren't up to it at the moment?

YABU

why Mrswilburton?

I would ring her and say 'I'm really sory but we are terribly busy in the week with nursery and meeting friends and toddler groups, would you like to come for Sunday roast on xxxx day instead?'
then you have done your bit
if she kicks off politely but firmly say 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I'll see if dh can phone you later'

job done

or you could say 'that is lovey for you to want to come on xxxx week day, we will be a soft play at 2pm and you are more than welcome to come'
then make everything as busy and hellish as possible

Up to you about when she visits (weekend/weekdays) but limit the amount of time by inviting her for a specific time e.g come for lunch/tea. Then arrange (or pretend to have arranged!!) something for the time immediately after that (going to a friends/dentist/smear test etc ) so that she knows there's a time limit. But no, it's not your responsibilty to entertain her- if she says she's coming to see the kids then that is what she should do. If she's not coming for a set meal, offer a cuppa and a biccie then remove plate/cup and don't offer any more!! (My dad used to do this for us on Boxing Day and believe me, it works a treat!)

So I guess the conclusion is that I'm being a bit unreasonable, but the emphasis is on finding a compromise rather than just doing it mils way.

Thank you for all replies, this has been really useful and helped me to get some perspective.

I think it's best if we give her a weeks cooling off time, and then invite her to come for a Saturday or Sunday daytime.

Thanks again!