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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to punch some of DSD's classmates? I reeeallly don't think I am

49 replies

EllieG · 09/02/2009 20:27

DH is out tonight. DSD (my to be DD when I am allowed to adopt her - her mum died 4 years ago) is drawing a picture and all quiet. I ask her what drawing, and she says 'My Mum's spirit' and promptly starts crying.

We have cuddle and turns out some little bastards at school have been saying things like (when she refers to me as Mum) 'Oh do you mean your old mum? Cos she's dead' and 'Eleanor's just your fake Mum you know...just a step-mum'.....

Children can be sooooooo nasty can't they? Not sure whether to talk to school about this or to leave it and see if rears up again. Poor DSD. We have worked so hard at our relationship, and she finally, just this year felt able to call me Mum, which meant so much to both of us, and now some nasty little children are making her feel bad. I am so cross and sad for her am crying as I write this.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 09/02/2009 20:29

i think i would talk to her teacher. it sounds like it might be a good idea for her to have a chat to the whole class about this kind of thing

VinoEsmeralda · 09/02/2009 20:31

Second thisisyesterday definately talk to the teacher.

biscuitchucker · 09/02/2009 20:31

Poor, poor thing That is just so cruel. Agree with yesterday - you need to talk to the school so they can do something about it.

bumpybecky · 09/02/2009 20:32

how old is D(S)D? I think if primary school age,I'd have a word with the teacher. If secondary, I'm not so sure....

edam · 09/02/2009 20:32

Oh, poor dd! That is really cruel. Little horrors.

Agree, you need to talk to the teacher. Hopefully she can do some work with the class that doesn't single dd out, IYKWIM.

How old is dd?

5inthebed · 09/02/2009 20:34

Thats so so horrible for your DD (and you). I would definately have a word with the school. How old are the children?

catMandu · 09/02/2009 20:35

Your poor sd, I had 'friends' who used to make me say 'once upon a time Dad' when my parents divorced. Soon stopped when I told them my Dad said he'd punch their lights out, but that was the 70's. Agree with the others, speak to the teacher.

Original poster
EllieG · 09/02/2009 20:36

She is 10. And a very sensitive thing (no bloody wonder) so has really taken this to heart. Has gone off to bed now all smiles after I said I would buy some really big boots and kick them but I am not sure that is the answer after all....
I think you may be right about the teacher. She is very nice and I have spoken to her before, I will give her a ring tomorrow. I didn't want to make things worse for her, but they could probably do some general work around this in their PSE time couldn't they?

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Original poster
EllieG · 09/02/2009 20:37

I'm with your Dad catmandu

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Hassled · 09/02/2009 20:40

Yes, they could work this into Circle Time or the equivalent. Failing that I would bite the bullet and have an awkward coversation with the cows' girls' parents, and ask if they can have a word with their insensitive offspring. Your poor DSD. And you sound wonderful .

CarGirl · 09/02/2009 20:40

I would def speak to the teacher. When I was in my last year at primary there was a girl fostered by the family of one of the other girls in our year.

Someone had been saying something to the other girl and she had been very upset and the whole class were spoken too and told "you know who you are (as presumably did the school), this stops now" type of thing. I'm assuming it worked........

edam · 09/02/2009 20:40

Yes, I think they could and should.
Love the boots comment, btw, think that's EXACTLY the right thing to say!

hotpotmama · 09/02/2009 20:41

Yes, I would tell the teacher. Your poor little girl, as if she has not been through enough heartbreak without being teased about it. Makes me so sad to think about it.

Tell the teacher for sure and they will work something out to help if they have anything about them.

Original poster
EllieG · 09/02/2009 20:42

Oh I am

Far from it, sadly....

I know one of the mums, so I think I could do that if it happens again. I will try the general, circle-time route first though.

Thanks for the input people, I feel slightly less boiling mad now....

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Frasersmum123 · 09/02/2009 20:42

Your poor DSD. Children can be very cruel sometimes.

Tclanger · 09/02/2009 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chegirl · 09/02/2009 20:44

Hi EllieG

Your poor (S)DD.

My DS2 talks about his sister a lot at school and these leaves him open to a lot of cracks. He is nearly 6 but v.young. He talks about his sister being in heaven, eating chocolates and playing. He has his own little dialouge that he uses to reassure himself

I spoke to his teacher at start of term and remind her everyso often. This is so she can keep a weather eye out for any little gits giving him trouble. Our kids' memories and thoughts of their lost loved ones are prescious and need to be protected. They should feel safe at school and able to express their feelings of grief (in their own way - often v.different from ours).

Speak to the teacher and explain what has been happening. Failing that I will dig out my old Dr Martens and give the little feckers a kick up the arse for you.

Original poster
EllieG · 09/02/2009 20:45

That comment was re hassled bit btw

edam - that was nothin' - we debated whether should have steel toe-caps on for a bit too, and she was all in favour of using a cricket bat! Decided that might be OTT though.

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Original poster
EllieG · 09/02/2009 20:51

Thanks chegirl. I think people forget that children carry on grieving and don't allow them the space to change and grow and carry it with them IWSYIM? Her Mum is far from being a taboo topic in our house, but she chooses not to talk about her as much anymore. But I know she still loves and misses her, and whenever she needs to, we talk about her, and look through photo albums and memory books. I have so much respect for my girl for being the lovely person she is and getting through something like this with her sense of life and love and fun intact (esp since is probably the worst thing that can happen to a child isn't it?) and I hate to see her brought down by other people. I think all the other kids were primed to be sensitive for a while but have now forgotten that it might still hurt her.

Fuck, am crying again. Must be due on.

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chipmonkey · 09/02/2009 20:58

Aw Ellie! This is bullying so teacher has to be involved. Little shites darlings always find the weak spot and exploit it! And you have worked so hard on your relationship with dsd, too!

charmargot · 09/02/2009 21:02

Poor little girl, I'd probably feel like punching them too, but then...
Are they saying it to be cruel or because they're children and are stating facts? I don't fully understand the dd and dsd, but I'm guessing she's a step daughter in which case they're simply and tactlessly stating facts.
I think it's lovely that she's drawing her Mum's spirit, she'll always remember her and I'm sure you encourage that, it'd be awful if she forgot. Maybe explain how lucky she is that while she lost her old Mum she has you to take care of her. It is a bit confusing calling the one who died Mum and you Mum too - not for her or you as you feel that's your role and name, but her friends will want clarification.
Can you give her a name you're happy with so she can talk about you and her old Mum to friends without them wondering? If she's at the same school these friends may even have known and miss the old Mum.
Even I feel awful saying old Mum and new/step Mum, but I don't know how else to express myself - and I'm a grown up!
Your daughter may even need a way to express talking about her old Mum to you that doesn't detract from the fact that you are now Mum.
I hope I'm making sense.

Original poster
EllieG · 09/02/2009 21:02

Thanks chipmonkey (you've changed back again!)

Just been up to check she's alright and she's fine now, nearly off to sleep.

Am going to politely kick some arse at school tomorrow.

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Hulababy · 09/02/2009 21:05

Definitely talk to the teacher. Poor DD

Original poster
EllieG · 09/02/2009 21:05

You are indeed charmagot - that is a good point, which I might discuss with her. While we are not confused, it might be hard for her to explain at school. I think they were being mean though - she said it was said in a nasty way, not just in a stupid way, as I talked to her about people not meaning to cause offense, just being a bit insensitive. But you make a good point though.

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ChippingIn · 09/02/2009 22:46

EllieG - I'm not sure that you must be due on!! I'm almost in tears myself and I don't even know you/her! Kids can be so horrible - but that is no excuse - they need sorting out (if the school doesn't help, my steel capped Doc's and I can come to help you!! Little fuckers sods would be sorry then!!).

I agree that it would be good for your DD (sod the paperwork, she's yours already!! (to share with her birth (? I don't know what to call her either!!) mother of course) to have a way of talking to other people about both her Mums so they know who she means - like you do with Grandparents

Luckily you seem to have a great relationship with her, she's very lucky to have such a lovely step-mum... not the sort you mostly read about and you are lucky to have her too - once again, not the sort you often get to read about x

(Before anyone jumps down my throat I am sure there are other lovely SM's and SC -but you don't get to read about them because there aren't any problems )