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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to punch some of DSD's classmates? I reeeallly don't think I am

49 replies

EllieG · 09/02/2009 20:27

DH is out tonight. DSD (my to be DD when I am allowed to adopt her - her mum died 4 years ago) is drawing a picture and all quiet. I ask her what drawing, and she says 'My Mum's spirit' and promptly starts crying.

We have cuddle and turns out some little bastards at school have been saying things like (when she refers to me as Mum) 'Oh do you mean your old mum? Cos she's dead' and 'Eleanor's just your fake Mum you know...just a step-mum'.....

Children can be sooooooo nasty can't they? Not sure whether to talk to school about this or to leave it and see if rears up again. Poor DSD. We have worked so hard at our relationship, and she finally, just this year felt able to call me Mum, which meant so much to both of us, and now some nasty little children are making her feel bad. I am so cross and sad for her am crying as I write this.

OP posts:

alphabetsoup · 09/02/2009 22:59

Ellie she is lucky to have you; poor little girl to have such nasty classmates. my dd is the same age and they're sensitive enough then without having the emotional weight of what your dd has gone through. Hope you get it sorted out.
xx

kingprawntikka · 10/02/2009 11:08

Ellie, that is so mean, you should definitely speak to the teacher, Your daughter sounds lovely and I'm sure is helped enormously by having you in her life. I am reading this feeling so sad for her dealing with such cruel children, and also thinking to myself that if my children ever found themselves in the same position, I would be so glad to think they would have a second mum there like you to give such compassionate love and support.

TsarChasm · 10/02/2009 11:13

Agreeing with what has been said. Yes see the teacher, this needs to stop.

But how lovely you sound. Protecting and loving her. You are her mummy also - she has two.

abraid · 10/02/2009 11:20

Sbe's lucky to have you, EllieG. You're obviously a very loving mother to her. Imagine her life without you to help her through this.

stealthsquiggle · 10/02/2009 11:21

Circle time (or equivalent) seems the way to go, but it also seems that your DD needs some definite terminology to differentiate when she is talking about you or about her mum. I have no helpful suggestions, and I agree the other children were being horrid, but children are so literal - so she needs to be armed with a definitive "EllieG is my Mum, since my [insert appropriate adjective] Mum is in heaven" to use in her own defence.

Tamarto · 10/02/2009 11:28

Glad you are going to see the teacher, yes kids can be tactless but also at 10 they can be fucking cruel and very nasty!

I've been there and got the T-Shirt so i know exactly how she feels. Hope things improve soon, and she is very lucky to have someone like you looking out for her

Lizzylou · 10/02/2009 11:32

That is so sad, children can be so cruel.

You sound like you have a wonderful relationship though, which must be lovely and reassuring for your DSD.

Hope it went well with the teacher.

madhairday · 10/02/2009 11:36

Poor little thing. Kids can be so terribly cruel sometimes.
You sound such a lovely mum, she is lucky to have you looking out for her.
Hope you're able to sort something out with the school soon.

HMC · 10/02/2009 11:38

I don't think the children concerned are nasty - just clueless and lacking in empathy like many children are. Shamefully I recall teasing a boy once about his dead father - I stopped when I noticed it upset him (really, what else did I expect!!!)

I certainly don't condone their behaviour though, and as others suggest you really must raise this with the teaching staff to get it stopped.

Your dsd is lucky to have a caring and loving step mum like yourself. The poor kid, it's unbelievably harrowing to loose a parent. Carry on lavishing her with love.

DaphneMoon · 10/02/2009 12:39

She is very very lucky to have you.

Go in and have a word with the little twats classmates, wear big boots.

Divineintervention · 10/02/2009 12:45

You sound like a great Mum.

shabster · 10/02/2009 12:57

The teacher really, really needs to know. I had this many years ago when my DS1 started High School. His twin brother died when he was a baby, and his younger brother died a few months before the start of High School. For SIX MONTHS he was verbally bullied by one knob boy! In the end he told me...the boy was saying 'I think your Mum killed your brothers' etc etc.

I told school but also waited outside the school every night and just stared at this revolting human being. He eventually was expelled because of his bullying to lots of the kids.

Weirdly enough the bully got a job working for our local council and guess who is his boss? Go on just guess.....My Darling Firstborn Son

shabster · 10/02/2009 12:58

....in my opinion you are a great Mum xx

georgiemum · 10/02/2009 13:04

Little bastards. Old enough to know that they are being little bastards too. Have a word with the school - and their parents.

Poor you too. You are her 'real' mum as well - who puts the plaster on her knee when she falls over? Who gives her her bedtime milk? Who makes the cake for her birthday? Who loves her?

She should know that her 'real' mummy will always be her mummy - but that you are also her mummy. She may soon begin to worry that you may 'go away' too, so please look out for that one.

SoupDragon · 10/02/2009 13:05

As well as talking to the teacher, I would talk to your DSD and say that no, you're not her real mum, that XYZ will always be her real mum but that you love her just as much as a real mum would and will do everything for her that her real mum would do if she were there. hopefully she will have the confidence to answer these other children back, scathingly, saying that she knows you're not her real mum but that doesn't matter because you love her anyway.

Aefondkiss · 10/02/2009 13:11

for your wee girl Ellieg - I hope the school sort it out.

Fairynufff · 10/02/2009 13:13

YANBU. Some kids ought to get a thick ear for vicious behaviour like that - it can be so damaging. But I think your response was perfect (I always get a smile through the tears when I say something like "shall I go and beat them with a big stick for you?"). Your daughter will get through it with lots of talking, a few practised put-me-downs and the strength of your love behind her.
(For those of you about to lambast me for the 'stick' retort. I have never actually hit any child and that's why the comment always makes my children smile.)

shabster · 10/02/2009 14:49

Soupdragon - beautiful words that fit the 'bill' perfectly x

poppy34 · 10/02/2009 14:53

definitely talk to teacher - had this kind of thing re my dad at school and it does hurt. how did you go (think you were going to today)? poor little dd . and echo what soup dragon said - i had real dad and dad (my sd who adopted me). she is very lucky to have someone like you

CharleeheartsherChains · 10/02/2009 15:06

I know a little boy whos mother passed away when he was young, he now calls his birth mother, Angel Mum and his Step Mother who has now adopted him, just Mum.

Poor your DD, i hope you get this sorted, kids can be so cruel.

MadamDeathstare · 10/02/2009 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

EllieG · 12/02/2009 12:43

Oo I like that one madamdeathstare. We've also tried out'

'If your Mum had died do you think you would find this kind of thing funny?' (to the 'It was just a joke...')

Thanks for advice people. Have spoken to teacher and it will get squished. Plus DSD is much happier

OP posts:

loobeylou · 12/02/2009 13:17

OP, how sad that her peers can be so mean. The school will, I am sure, handle it in a sensitive way.

One of the mums at our school died a few weeks ago, the school are dealing ver y well with childrens concerns.

comparethePeachydotcom · 12/02/2009 13:35

Ellie

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