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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell this mum to leave her DD alone (I know I am a bit so have come here to rant)

45 replies

dilemma456 · 09/02/2009 17:50

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
NAB09 · 09/02/2009 17:51

I can understand your frustration but you really can't say that to the mum.

2shoesformyvalentine · 09/02/2009 17:52

maybe she has her reasons, maybe at some time she nearly lost her dd, and this has made her over protective....maybe

Tee2072 · 09/02/2009 17:52

Well, to be total devil's advocate here, maybe the daughter has haemophilia, so a bump could literally kill her.

Totally stretching there! I agree with you, put the girl down!

compo · 09/02/2009 17:52

I would try to befriend the Mum, sounds like she has issues

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 09/02/2009 17:54

Poor kid.

Poor mother too. Wonder why she's so ott.

violethill · 09/02/2009 17:56

You can't really say anything to her, but it's very sad as she's setting her dd up to be likely to have all sorts of problems later on.

As there are a group of you from nursery who are part of the same party circuit, it seems unlikely that there is a history of something dreadful. Sounds more like the mother has no life of her own and is transferring her own neuroses onto her dd

Mummyfor3 · 09/02/2009 17:58

Could you say, casually and friendly, something like: "Isn't it great to see how they are growing up/becoming more independent/making friends?"

This would allow her to either say something non-commital, in which case, I would back down, or make some reply which could lead to a further conversation.

Just an idea...

I am with Hecate on this one: poor mother, poor child .

PlumBumMum · 09/02/2009 17:58

Why don't you bring her over a cup of tea(whatever) next time and ask her to join the other mums, maybe she feels if she puts her daughter down she'll be left on her own

Although I too would be biting back the why don't you put her down my kids aren't going to hurt her (unless the haemophilia thing but then she wouldn't be allowed at nursery?)

Nekabu · 09/02/2009 18:02

Why can't you say anything? What's wrong with just asking her why she's not letting her dd join in? I don't see why a polite question is such a huge no-no.

Ivykaty44 · 09/02/2009 18:04

Don't say "are you going to get a teaching assistant job at school when your dd starts?"

Cos this might put ideas in her head......

tiredsville · 09/02/2009 18:17

I'm wondering if the fact she always arrives late and clings onto to her daughter, maybe she hates nursery parties/shy/or is geuinely overprotective.

Tclanger · 09/02/2009 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laweaselmys · 09/02/2009 19:20

I don't see why you can't say 'I was just wondering why you never put your DD down - is there anything we can help with?' if she does have a SN she might appreciate the offer.

It does sound like it is the mum and not the DD though doesn't it.

pamelat · 09/02/2009 19:23

Maybe something awful has happened to her? She could have lost an earlier child, and feel desperately insecure.

I would say something nicely but thats because I am nosey. I would probably ask how she manages to always hold her DD and not get back ache etc etc .... that way you are not criticising her.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 09/02/2009 19:25

TBH I think I would say something. But then I ahve a big mouth and it doesn't often consult my brain before it starts talking.

Poor little girl.

piscesmoon · 09/02/2009 19:32

You have to feel very, very sorry for the child but unfortunately there is no point in saying anything-the chances of her taking your advice are nil IMO.

MillyR · 09/02/2009 19:33

I wouldn't say anything. Whatever is going on with the mum, she probably doesn't want to be there or she wouldn't be turning up 30 mins late. If you comment on her behaviour it might stress her out more and she might stop her daughter going to future parties.

At least her daughter is attending a nursery on her own. There are presumably some mums with issues who just keep the children at home all the time.

NinkySWALK · 09/02/2009 19:37

My DD has a bleeding disorder which is similar to haemophilia and has almost killed her on two occasions. She's eight and doesn't do contact sports, martial arts or cycling but that's about it. Musical Bumps with 3 year olds could be dangerous as Karate risk-wise but hovering over the child during a meal is strange. Poor woman, I hope it's just a case of shyness.

Northernlurker · 09/02/2009 19:38

No it isn't any of your business. I think the best thing to do when you encounter what you consider to be over-protectuve parents is just not comment and carry on encouraging your child to be independant. There's no point saying anything - you announcing that world is NOT a scary place won't work. Nor will making her feel like an inadequate parent - I know you don't think that but that could be how she interprets comments. I think the only thing that might help is positive experience - and you're already giving that by not modifying your behaviour with your child.

Nightcrawly · 09/02/2009 19:57

Reading this I wonder if she isn't overprotective as such, but more anxious about coming to the party with all the other mums. I have a terrible habit, which I regularly tell myself off for and stop myself doing, but if I am somewhere where I don't know anyone else and I am accompanying DD I tend to straighten her clothes or hair up alot out of nervousness on my part. Of course I let her go off and play etc, but I do still do this and I wonder if this mum is doing something similar. She may be very socially anxious herself and not want her daughter to play musical bumps or something because she may become highly anxious or even panicky if her daughter gets hurt and upset and she thinks everyone is watching the way she is dealing with it.

My behaviour is completely strange to me really because although I'm introverted by nature I'm not shy or backwards in coming forward. The fact that she sends her DD to nursery makes me think it is less about her need to keep DD close in an overprotective way generally but more to do with that specific situation.

So I think YABU to tell her to leave her DD alone, but it would probably help to be really nice and friendly to her.

accordiongirl · 09/02/2009 21:33

I think you should be friendly if you get the chance, she sounds a bit tense and probably doesn't realise what she's doing. She might be worried about her DD catching an illness or some other thing like that that's got stuck in her mind. Or something bad might have happened to her.

Original poster
dilemma456 · 10/02/2009 00:20

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Janni · 10/02/2009 00:27

I would sit and chat to her generally, then in as casual way as possible ask why her little girl's not able to join in with the others. That way you'll know whether there's a medical reason and you can leave it be. If there isn't, you might well be able to help. I'm sure whatever the situation she would welcome your friendship.

Nekabu · 10/02/2009 09:15

I think it would be really nice if you invited her and her dd over for tea! If she is maybe overwhelmed by larger numbers of mothers/children then that would be a great way of her dipping her toe in the water and she would then have someone in the bunch that both she and her dd know a bit better.

LucyEllensmummy · 10/02/2009 09:53

TEE i don't want to be pedantic but heamophillia is a male only disease (with VERY few exceptions) BUT you do make a good point, there may well be a health reason for why this mum is over protective. I would be worried about her mental state of mind, maybe try and make friends with her and offer her some support.