To want to tell this mum to leave her DD alone (I know I am a bit so have come here to rant)

[dilemma456]

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if she is from a different culture she may be sitting there htinking "good grief these English women are so careless and slapdash with their dc's; i hope they are paying attention to the good example I am setting them. I wonder if i should make friends with them and gently point out the error of their ways? Poor things".

Maybe get to know her a bit better and try to bring it up in conversation?
My DD started nursery a couple of weeks ago.
She is 3 and cant walk far because she has CHD so uses a buggy to get to school but looks quite well.
I can tell some of the other mums think she is a lazy little thing from the looks we get and wish someone would say something or ask so i could explain.
Im not saying this is the case here but its worth a thought.
She does sound a very OTT-im protective of my daughter too but not that bad!-but there may be more too it?

Read OP too quickly and wondered why OP wanted to feed three year old coffee and brownie.

Though it would be fun....

I used to do this with ds ,he went through a stage of hitting and biting and I was worried after a Mum had a go at me once at a playgroup so whenever we went out I would try and keep him close so I could stop him hurting other lo's I also used to pretend it was because I was worried for him but I just couldn't cope with him battering all the others !
Looking back it was silly but he was my PFB and I didn't have a clue maybe she is feeling the same way ?

dilemma you sound like a very nice person! It would be a good idea to invite her over during mid term, she could be using her dd to avoid talking because she feels overwhelmed/struggles to keep up with the language? - smaller group over for coffee, would be good imo, help break the ice a wee bit.

Just wanted to add my friend's DS has severe haemophilia and leads a completely normal life (just with extra hospital admissions if he has a bump )

I lost a baby and am only a leeetle bit overprotective.

There are plenty of possible explanations for why this mum is like this, but they're in many cases not going to be great reasons to treat her DD this way.

I second the suggestions to try to befriend her and see what's going on/try to help her.

I would try and get chatting to her. This might be enough to ease her anxiety a bit - does she talk to other mums much?

If there was a sensible older child at one of these parties, such as a preteen sibling, maybe she could let them watch her DD eventually.

She could do with seeing the report fro the Royal Society for the Protection of Accidents they have just said that children should get cuts and bruises etc.
the Times

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dilemma - it is easy to jump to any conclusion or judge - however, you have been lovely and invited her over during half term - so I think that outweighs everything else.

No, you've done wonderfully well, dilemma- you have stretched out a hand to this woman and it turns out to be just what she wants. Brilliant! They are both going to need friends to help them into greater independence. This is good stuff!

I could also see where you were coming from - my oldest is now 11.8 but when I took him to play tots, there was a mum that used to come along who would never ever put her ds down.

She carried him everywhere and she nursed him to sleep then held him in her arms whilst we were all having a coffee and a chat (he would have been around 18 months - so not exactly a tiny baby!) Many a time we would say to her put him down and come and chat properly, but her response was that she loved him too much and needed to hold him all the time .

She moved away before he got to playgroup stage - wonder what he is like now?

dilemma, as others have said, all the more reason why she needs you as a friend. It is desperately sad to lose a baby, but you can't let it dominate the lives of your other/subsequent children. I know it's something I struggle with a little bit (having had stillborn DD); it's just another thing to make the death of a child especially hard. I think the mum knows she can't go on the way she has for ever, and would welcome the helping hand. Play it by ear.

Children will jump out of your arms if they want to get down.

I went to a four yr old's bd party on sunday and my 3 yr old spent the entire party in my arms, with his coat on.

That's the way he is.

Oh, I see what happened.

Basically, if the little girl wants to get down out of her mothers arms and explore, she will. You can't really mollycoddle a child against its will.

You're assuming that the mother is stifling the child. I reckon it's a two-way street and the child needs the comfort. She probably likes being around other children, but feels better watching it all from the comfort of her mums arms. And they're nothing wrong with this.

I wonder if people are wondering if my son has haemophilia or if I have isshooes!!

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Sorry to hear that, dilemma. You will be better placed, then, than many to be a friend to this woman, though SIDS and loss of a twin and everyone's experience are of course all different.

but I think you have handled this very well all round.

Oh, I'm glad I came back on to see the follow-up to this, cos I'd been stewing on it, like you do!
I was going to have a rant that people on these posts can sound so righteous and judgemental, as if they themselves are the most perfect parents ever! In fact reading these columns has made me really self conscious in social settings cos my two year old twins are all over the place at the moment and it's impossible to look like the "perfect mummy" one might like to appear when one twin is runnning out the door on one side of the room and the other one's duffing up a baby on the other side of the room and I'm running between them like a headless chicken... with my ears ringing with imaginary AIBU's saying "this woman's twins are totally out of control, AIBU to want to report her to social services...?" And I was going to have a rant against people who have nothing else today but be judgemental of other people's parenting styles etc etc...

BUT... it sounds like you've managed to make something good out of this, so well done. Have a slice of half term cake on me! And well done to this lady for getting out and about and facing the world after what she's been through. She sounds like a brave lady.

now youve offered this woman friendship, im sure shell be glad of opportunity to say how she is feeling and given time she might trust you enough to broach subject of letting her little girl play a little with the other children. To accordiongirl, what is the perfect mummy? if we love our kids, and try to install right from wrong, we are being the best mummy to those that matter most-our children.two of my sons have SN and have no sense of not showing mummy up at school, supermarket etc. i have learned to grow a thick skin, but i also speak to other mums who i think might be in similar circumstances-never received a slap round the chops yet.(maybe just lucky). To all, excuse my ignorance, but what does AIBU stand for?