About my ex's access to our son

[worriedgirl]

Hi, I'm new to this site so be gentle!...Just wondering if anyone has been through court in relation to issues over access?.. I've recently put in for a divorce and I have a son who was 2 in Oct.. I seperated from hy husband when I was 11 weeks pregnant and since then have had unreasonable requests for access to him.. Forinstance, before he was even born he went to solicitor to see if he could take him away from me when he was born! Then told me we should just have him week about. He currently gets him from Sunday morning 10am till Monday night at 5.30 but now wants to pick him up Saturday night at 5.30 till Monday 5.30 2 weeks running then Sunday 2.30 till Monday 5.30 on the third week... The thing is I work and so value my weekend time spent as a family with my partner and son too. On the odd occassion my ex works a sunday so we sometimes get a full weekend where we can organise to do something together. I want him to continue as is as he's getting him on his time off and it still allows me quality time too. Whereas if we went with what he has proposed then I'd effectively have 1 saturday every 3weeks to be able to take him away for the day or not be clock watching to get him back for a handover at 5.30!... He also wants a week at easter a week at summer and a week at xmas which I'mfinding a little excessive given his age. I'd have hoped that we could remain a little flexible when he does go away for say summer hols. My son was away for 2 nights running with him at the beginning of the week because he got snowed in and didn't awnt to risk bringing him back in bad weather which I agreed to. When he came back he slept all afternoon (which suggested he hadn't slept a wink all night... can't tell me if he was crying wanting him) but when he awoke he cried looking for me and was very subdued as though I'd abandoned him. Does anyone think I'm being unreasonable. The reason I ask is that he's contested my request for divorce and so is taking me to court for better access... I think I'mbeing very reasonable as I'm currently working around his work rota and have changed childcare arrangements so he could have him when his day's off changed and instead of allowing full weeks at present I've suggested maybe long weekends to start with perhaps this year until my son is a little older to understand he won't see mummy for a week or so.

Is the reason you separated because of your XH's controlling behaviour? Trying to take legal action to take a newborn away from his mother against her will is not the behaviour of a nice person, is it?
And what do you mean, he's contested your request for divorce: that he doesn't want you to divorce him, or that he is using your DS to try to force you back into a relationship you no longer want?
I would also suggest mediation: for one thing, if you agree to it and it doesn't work, it does help show the court that you are making every effort to be fair and reasonable.
Good luck.

tbh i don't think he's being unreasonable in looking for more access. can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and he had custody.
wouldn't you be requesting/fighting for as much access/time together as possible?

i'd just let the courts handle it if that's the way he wants to go as it would appear you can't come to an agreement that both of you are happy with.
it's understandable that you want to enjoy your weekend as a family and don't want to give that up. but from his p.o.v. you've already had your son mon-sat, and he wants to see his son for more than the one day he has at the moment.
it's obviously difficult for all involved to sort this out, but if you can't come to an agreement (and you can't as he is unhappy with current access and you are unhappy to grant more) let the professionals sort it out.

Hi,

ive not been to court over this but i am in the middle of a fight of my own. my little boy is 20 months, when he was 8 months his father and i split up, when we first split it was good, his dad had him 1 night during the week and 1 night at the weekend. as time has went on this has dwindled now to 1 night ever second or third weekend. to be honest this suits me as i work part time and i get to spend more time with my boy. but now his dad is demaning that he has him for a week. im really not keen with this as he has just came back from his dads on sunday after staying the night and has been throwing a tantrum ever since. i think all the changing about etc isnt good for kids and they need a structured routine. your ex is being very selfish and not putting ur child first. its good that he wants to spend time etc with him but his demands are a tad unreasonable. kids need their mums and a week is far too long for a monther and child to be seperated. i think you should try and speak with your ex and then make an offer through your lawyer. hope you get it all sorted

Sorry i dont mean to be harsh, but why shouldnt his dad have him for a week during holidays etc, surely the more he sees of his dad the better?

Im assuming he is a reasonably good dad by the way.

Thanks I'll try that. He's already started the court proceedings anyway. I'm hoping the court will be favourable towards me given that I have always been reasonable towards him. At the end of the day he gets him on his days off so what quality time can he spend with his son if he's working. Also the 3 week rolling rota he's proposed contradicts the shift pattern he's given us for the next 6 months. I did think about mediation but he was in the parachute regiment and has a very aggressive nature when he doesn't get his own way and that intimidates me to be honest. He also sends me texts when it's 'my time' saying he finished for the day can he come and get max early or the day before he's du'e to get him which is very annoying as I'm always trying to construct a nice text back saying sorry we're having a day out (even when we'renot cause it's just nice to spend some time at home with him)

Claw3, I'm not saying he can't have him for a week at a time it's just I've had experience of him being away 2 nights running for the first time this week and he wasn't right when he came back and cried for me. I've suggested to him through my solicitor to have a gradual build up to a full week such as long weekends but no response just straight to court.

Worried - My dh took me to court to try and stop my ds from playing football on his weekends!!

They did not take into account that i had been more than reasonable with access, (every other weekend)and was very flexible.

He was awarded every weekend (which he already had) and half of all school holidays (which he didnt want anyhow). They told him that my son should be able to play football on his weekends and that if he had a problem getting him there, then i should have to go and pick him up, take him and drop him back!!

They also said that i should be involved in the dropping off and picking up on my dh's weekend, despite the fact that my dh wasnt paying a penny towards the kids (this was not their problem)

I'd never refuse access. I'd just rather it was something that suited both of us. i.e not taking up most of every weekend. I'm curently trying for a baby with my new partner and when the next comes along it'd be nice to go and see the grandparents who live 3.5 hours drive away which we wouldn't be able to do at all on the new proposal. I am slightly concerned over what my little one hears from his dad though cause he said he'd manipulate him into wanting to be with him all the time... not good eh! I know he's a good dad and loves him to bits but this is something I'd never do I never talk about him in front on my little one just in case he picks up on anything.

Claw3, I'm so stressed out that this is what will happen... Surely a judge would look at the rota he's given me in his writing that heworks every saturday though!

Worried - Definately not good, to be using little un in that way. As someone already suggested i think, start keeping a diary. Sorry he might love him to bits, but he is not a good influence if he is going to do that.

Have you told your solicitors about this?

I should have said that my case is to attend a hearing first on how the case will proceed... it's under scottish law so don't know if thats different to english law

MrsJammi - The lies he told in Court were shocking, he said i had denied him access just so he could get it to Court to try and stop my son playing football on his weekends. He said he wanted to do other things with son on his weekends, when really he just couldnt be arsed to take him football.

He said he was currently unemployed (a lie, he was self employed) and couldnt afford the petrol to pick up and drop off. So the court said i would have to do one of the trips (despite the fact, he wasnt paying a penny towards the kids)

Call me naive, but i was expecting him to be truthful in Court. Be prepared!!

Worried - All i can suggest is that you do EVERYTHING in writing, its amazing how much verbal agreements change once you get to Court! sounds like you already have that sorted.

If you feel he is manipulating your son and telling him things that are damaging, speak to your solicitor.

and Good luck

Another thing my solicitor said was that when my litle one gets to school age then the judge normally likes the child to have a base whilst at school and so quite often awards every other weekend access, so the mother gets quality time one weekend and the father another

Worried - That sounds about right, every other weekend, but be prepared they do also award every other Christmas etc as well.