About my ex's access to our son

[worriedgirl]

Hi, I'm new to this site so be gentle!...Just wondering if anyone has been through court in relation to issues over access?.. I've recently put in for a divorce and I have a son who was 2 in Oct.. I seperated from hy husband when I was 11 weeks pregnant and since then have had unreasonable requests for access to him.. Forinstance, before he was even born he went to solicitor to see if he could take him away from me when he was born! Then told me we should just have him week about. He currently gets him from Sunday morning 10am till Monday night at 5.30 but now wants to pick him up Saturday night at 5.30 till Monday 5.30 2 weeks running then Sunday 2.30 till Monday 5.30 on the third week... The thing is I work and so value my weekend time spent as a family with my partner and son too. On the odd occassion my ex works a sunday so we sometimes get a full weekend where we can organise to do something together. I want him to continue as is as he's getting him on his time off and it still allows me quality time too. Whereas if we went with what he has proposed then I'd effectively have 1 saturday every 3weeks to be able to take him away for the day or not be clock watching to get him back for a handover at 5.30!... He also wants a week at easter a week at summer and a week at xmas which I'mfinding a little excessive given his age. I'd have hoped that we could remain a little flexible when he does go away for say summer hols. My son was away for 2 nights running with him at the beginning of the week because he got snowed in and didn't awnt to risk bringing him back in bad weather which I agreed to. When he came back he slept all afternoon (which suggested he hadn't slept a wink all night... can't tell me if he was crying wanting him) but when he awoke he cried looking for me and was very subdued as though I'd abandoned him. Does anyone think I'm being unreasonable. The reason I ask is that he's contested my request for divorce and so is taking me to court for better access... I think I'mbeing very reasonable as I'm currently working around his work rota and have changed childcare arrangements so he could have him when his day's off changed and instead of allowing full weeks at present I've suggested maybe long weekends to start with perhaps this year until my son is a little older to understand he won't see mummy for a week or so.

God I'm really not looking forward to all of this!... The only reason this has all happened is because I'veasked for a divorce.. He'd probably not have bothered going to these lengths if I'd not asked for one!..

Worried - Unfortunately its not a nice business, by the time it gets to the Court stage things have normally turned quite bitter.

Try not to get caught up in it all if you can, just keep your little uns best interests at heart, which im sure you will.

I always do... another thing that bothers me is that my little one has epilepsy so when he's even a little bit ill I've to keeo an eye on him like a hawk to look for tell tale seizure symptoms so I'm always frightened that my ex misses the signals and he has a seizure.

Can seizures be avoided? sorry i have no knowledge of epilepsy.

If he is given the medication on time then yes they can be...

Worried - Agree with what Mrsjammi said, i have a little un with special needs and letting someone else take care of them, even the school is nerve wrecking, i know how you feel.

I think try to bear in mind mrsjammi's post about the long term relationship your son may get with his dad if he continues to have good contact with him.

I know it is very very hard when they're very young to give them over to dad specially when they're extra vulnerable like your ds. But it is his own dad and IMO you will be surprised just how soon mummy is not the centre of the universe, and they positively need dad's interaction and view on life....

with the weekends away when you have a child with your new partner, I think you need to remember that altough part of one family, your son is also not simply part of that and still needs the same contact with his dad and yes that might affect future plans in that way, I think you have to accept that

I don't mean to sound harsh, honestly, but: Personally I have always felt that parenting is a 50:50 responsibility and providing there is no issue with the child's safety and wellbeing then both parents should be entitled, actually not just entitled, but obliged to split the access 50:50. That should include not being allowed to move your child an unacceptable distance away from its other parent whilst it is under 16 and maintenance is being paid. So no emigrating with the new partner, or accepting a new job in London if your child is living in Scotland and doesn't live with you. Obviously there are practicality issues here, around school/home/work routine, so a bit of reasonable give and take is required but really, so many women must be crying out for an ex who actually wants to spend as much time with his own child as your does - which can only be a good thing, for your son, if not for you. And it is your son who matters in this, right? Of course you want quality time with him, but you live with him, and see him every day. If you are feeling anxious and angry at the prospect of spending less time with him just imagine how his father is feeling, as he gets even less time that that. (and no I'm not a man, in case you were wondering!) You are in another serious relationship by the sounds of things and so you are content to play happy families in your new set-up. If you were still single and desperate for some time to yourself to rebuild a social life I suspect you might have an entirely different take things! Imagine how you would feel if your places were reversed. Would the current arrangement be enough for you? I thought not!

I agree with you TiggR, I know it is hard for the mother to be without dc, but it is equally hard for the father. Provided there are no safety issues, contact should be 50:50, and therefore no maintenance should be paid in either direction. MY OH would love to just see his daughter, 50:50 would be a dream come true for him.

When my dh and I were separated we had a 50:50 split Sun am-Wed after school alternating with Sat pm/Wed after school. However the children were school age, we made sure we lived within 15mins walk of each other, and used the same childcare (oh and neither of us was in a relationship with someone else). It is obviously quite different when you have never lived as a family, but I think that your child still has the same need for their father. I wonder if your ex is concerned that there is no place for him in his child's life as you are with a partner and probably (I'm assuming that you are getting divorced with the possibility of getting remarried?) making a new family life.

Your ex's requests sound slightly complicated, but not particularly unreasonable (in terms of time spent with your son). Could you not offer the simpler every other weekend? Working up to a full week sounds OK, so long as you are clear that the full week is an option (and agree when).

Sounds very tricky, but it really is worth trying to keep things as amicable as possible, for all the people involved. Personally I would avoid court imposed solutions, as they will be inflexible and court by it's nature is adversarial.