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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find the phrase "please let me know if there's anything I can do to help..." slightly meaningless?

49 replies

mm22bys · 05/02/2009 16:38

I was listening to the radio the other day about Jade Goody, and they were talking to a rep from one of the cancer charities about what not to say to someone close to you who has just been diagnosed, and "please let me know if there's anything I can do to help" was mentioned.

I personally do think it is just so open-ended that is meaningless.

I know that people in sensitive situations don't always know the most appropriate way to respond, but it's been said to me, and I don't know how to respond other than "sure, will do".

Of course I don't ever...

The cancer rep suggested "please let me know if there's anything I can do" should be replaced with more specific offers like "can I make you a casserole" or "can I look after the kids for you".

I think this is much more meaningful and as an offer is much more likely to be taken up.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PenelopePitstops · 05/02/2009 16:41

yanbu

not sure this really is an aibu topic though

Original poster
mm22bys · 05/02/2009 16:44

I was just wondering though, because it HAS been said to me, and I know people wouldn't offer to help if they didn't want to, but how do I respond?

Yes you can do the housework for me

Yes you can take the kids to school for me

Yes you babysit for me

Yes, yes, yes

When does taking up someone on such an open offer become abusing their good nature?

OP posts:
MummyDoIt · 05/02/2009 16:45

It is very true. Just about everyone I know said that, both when DH was diagnosed and when he died, and I have never felt able to approach anyone for help just based on that. The ones who said specifically, 'I'd like to cook you a meal', 'can I look after the DCs?' and other specific offers, I gladly and gratefully accepted.

It's the same with people who say 'if you ever need to talk, please call me'. I simply cannot do it. Many times I desperately want to talk but can't bring myself to ring anyone. If someone rings me, on the other hand, I feel able to talk to them.

Original poster
mm22bys · 05/02/2009 16:47

If anyone thinks this shouldn't be in AIBU and would like me to ask for it to be removed, please let me know...

(hope that isn't too open-ended!)

OP posts:
frasersmummy · 05/02/2009 16:50

I can see what you mean but when faced with terrible news from a loved one people genuinely do want to help... but 99 times out of 100 they just dont know how.

Unfortunately its usually the people who are suffering or who have suffered the same fate that know instinctively what to do and therefore just get on and do it rather than ask what they can do.

Original poster
mm22bys · 05/02/2009 16:50

Penelope,

you are right.

I don't know where to ask for it to moved to though - Bereavement (although I didn't post in that context)? Chat? Other subjects?

Thx

OP posts:
lottiejenkins · 05/02/2009 16:50

I had lots of friends say that when my house had a disaster....... I have asked said friends to take turns doing my washing and have other friends just turn up with food for me..........

Nontoxic · 05/02/2009 16:53

It (that phrase) can come across as a bit of a sop really. It's an English way of wanting to appear kind and concerned, but actually having no intention of 'getting involved'. You can imagine the shocked response if you actually did phone someone and call in the offer.
They know that you won't do this, so can feel good about hemselves without actually doing anything to help.

Stargazer · 05/02/2009 16:54

When I was told my mum had had a stroke and I rushed off to visit her, several of my friends said exactly that to me. And I said yes - one has taken care of my DD before and after school for a couple of days and another has offered to have her when I next go and visit. Sometimes, we just have to say yes thanks, this is how you can help!! . And they're all still helping me.

MrsMerryHenry · 05/02/2009 16:57

I think YABU. Whenever I've said it I genuinely mean it - and I assume that the person I'm speaking to knows better than I do what it is they might need.

loobeylou · 05/02/2009 16:58

I think nontoxic is spot on, it is often said by those who want to feel they have done the right thing by offering, who are really hoping they won't be called on to DO anything

FWIW, when we lost a baby at 5 months pg, we had lots of "kind words" said to us, along with a few naff cliches, but what meant most was someone turning up at the door saying "i haven't come because i know what to say but i wanted to give you a hug"

Original poster
mm22bys · 05/02/2009 16:58

That's great, I think my problem is I don't / wouldn't want to impose on anyone.

Guess I just have to let go a little...

Nontoxic, I have said it myself, when I don't know what to do. I think you are right....

OP posts:
loobeylou · 05/02/2009 17:00

stargazer and Mrs MH, yes, of course if it is said to or by someone you really know well, they will take you up on it and you will genuinely want to help. More a cliche with less good friends I suppose

MmeLindt · 05/02/2009 17:00

It depends who says it. If it is a good friend, who you feel that you could say, "Well, now you come to mention it, could you..." then it is ok.

I think sometimes people use it instead of "I am so sorry for your troubles and I don't know what to say to make you feel better"

bubblagirl · 05/02/2009 17:03

i always say this to my friend and feels nice when you hear it back doesn't mean you'll take them up on offer but you know they have offered better than someone not offering to help i think

can make you feel less alone to know people care and are least offering some support than just watching you struggle with no words of support

MummyDoIt · 05/02/2009 17:06

Loobeylou is spot on when she says what means the most is the friend who turns up with a hug. I remember taking DS1 to a party soon after DH's death and one dad sat next to me and gave me a big hug. He didn't have to say a word. That hug helped more than any words.

retiredgoth2 · 05/02/2009 17:12

..it is, as nontoxic says, a sop phrase.

This doesn't mean that those who utter it are not genuinely compassionate, but everyone knows that the phrase does not constitute a real offer.

...I learned this tha hard way, when 2 weeks after Mrs Goth snuffed it I asked another parent at school (who had uttered this phrase) to collect my urchins as I was delayed for half an hour....

...Request denied.

I have not been foolish enough to ask anyone since.

...specific offers of help are different, if rare...

RubyRioja · 05/02/2009 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Habbibu · 05/02/2009 17:26

Is "Is there anything I can do?" better, do you think? Sometimes it's hard to think of specifics on the spur of the moment.

Habbibu · 05/02/2009 17:26

And bloody hell, retiredgoth - how crap is that?

Ivykaty44 · 05/02/2009 17:29

So many people do say this phrase and genuinley mean it but dont actually know what is needed in a situation, as situatuations are all different.

So having a book with requests on it could be helpful. Each page has a request ie, cook a casserole, babysit, shopping hoovering etc.

The person that says "let me know if there is anything I can do" Is then told - there is the book please help yourself to a task/aid.

Then they can find themselves a task that they can actually do. Pop there name down and the date that they will be able to fulfill the "help"

MrsMerryHenry · 05/02/2009 17:29

Goth - I am completely

wannaBe · 05/02/2009 17:31

tbh I think there's never a right thing to say. even "I'm so sorry" is just platitude really, saying something because you can't say nothing, iyswim?

I've done the "let me know if there's anything I can do," recently when a friend was going through a really hard time, I did follow it up with "come round for dinner/let me know if you want me to have the kids" etc but I knew he would never take me up so i followed up with a couple of calls to make sure he was ok and so he knew I meant it.

I think it's hard on both sides. If you're going through a rough time then sometimes you need to stay strong and in control for the kids or other people, and so asking for help might go against that, and if you're the onlooking friend then you want to help but there's no concrete way in which you can do that, and often there's never a right thing to say or do, but saying or doing nothing isn't right either.

wilkos · 05/02/2009 17:31

my father died suddenly aged 63 in november

many of my mum and dads friends have said this to her and it has been a huge comfort

that is because all of them without exception really would do anything to help, and have done many things that have helped ease her grief such as weeding the garden, clearing snow, making meals, inviting her out and being shoulders to cry on

she has never had to ask for anything whatever it is has just been done

wannaBe · 05/02/2009 17:43

also, I think it can be hard to offer to do specific things, because you never know whether you might be intruding on someone's grief.