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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find the phrase "please let me know if there's anything I can do to help..." slightly meaningless?

49 replies

mm22bys · 05/02/2009 16:38

I was listening to the radio the other day about Jade Goody, and they were talking to a rep from one of the cancer charities about what not to say to someone close to you who has just been diagnosed, and "please let me know if there's anything I can do to help" was mentioned.

I personally do think it is just so open-ended that is meaningless.

I know that people in sensitive situations don't always know the most appropriate way to respond, but it's been said to me, and I don't know how to respond other than "sure, will do".

Of course I don't ever...

The cancer rep suggested "please let me know if there's anything I can do" should be replaced with more specific offers like "can I make you a casserole" or "can I look after the kids for you".

I think this is much more meaningful and as an offer is much more likely to be taken up.

AIBU?

OP posts:

sarah293 · 05/02/2009 17:59

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travellingwilbury · 05/02/2009 18:10

It is hard because what do you say or do to help ? It has become a phrase everyone says (even those that don't really mean it ) A bit like "How are you ?" Not many people actually want a real reply to that question .

If we are talking about it in the context of a grief then it is really hard to find any words that will help .

I always found the ones that just said "I have no idea what to say to help but I am so sorry and can I come round to see you " were a help to me .

But tbh I would still rather a hundered paople say something slightly stupid than everyone just bow their heads , mumble and wander off as if all was the same .

travellingwilbury · 05/02/2009 18:12

hundred people

queenofbeas · 05/02/2009 18:13

YABU - I say it and mean it, it gives the other person an opportunity to ask for what they need help with.

sarah293 · 05/02/2009 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

travellingwilbury · 05/02/2009 18:25

QOB Has anyone taken you up on your offer ?

Genuine question , I just know that when people have said that to me , along with call me whenever you like for a chat . I have never asked them for anything .

BalloonSlayer · 05/02/2009 18:26

I have had it said to me and, like others have said, when I asked for help was met with excuses.

When my BIL died, the owner of my nephew's nursery said "if there's anything, ANYTHING I can do, just ask." BIL had looked after the DCs two days a week so DSis said, Well, I am really stuck, could you have DS for another couple of days?

"Oh NO... sorry... there's a waiting list"

God, who would begrudge someone skipping the waiting list because their husband had just died and their little boy could do with as much stability as he could get, saving him from having to go to an unfamiliar nursery on the days he used to have his dad? Still and about that.

My sis said the gesture she remembers with fondness and gratitide the most was someone arriving unannounced with a tray of lasagne and a big box of tissues.

madhairday · 05/02/2009 18:50

Yes I agree, empty words.
I have a long term degenerative illness so have had more than my fair share of such being said to me. It comes to mean nothing, particularly when you know it's just being said for something to say, and with no follow up or practical action. I find it so much more comforting and helpful when someone says 'right. I'm having your dc's for the afternoon' or, like a friend the other day, comes round, gives me a hug and takes my ironing pile. Means so much more.
But I am aware that people say this out of a genuine need to help, and also because they don't know what else to say, so I try not to feel frustrated by it. And I also try not to say it myself to anyone.

madhairday · 05/02/2009 18:52

BalloonSlayer, that's awful of the nursery Just shows how words can be empty.

retiredgoth2 · 05/02/2009 18:54

....having posted a negative experience (and yes, in the instance I mentioned earlier it was a bit crap of her. I didn't think I was one to bear a grudge, but it seems that I am!) I should mention some kindnesses, too...

...both involve cleaning. I was informed (about a month after Mrs Goth died) that my house was to be cleaned top to bottom by my colleagues. Eight A and E sisters duly arrived, kicked me out, and fumigated Goth towers with a near frightening efficiency...

...and some time later, a mum from school that I barely knew knocked on the door carrying unguents and utensils, introduced herself, and proceeded to clean! She came several times after that, unbidden and wanting nothing in return.

I was, and remain, enormously grateful for these kindnesses...

indignatio · 05/02/2009 19:00

This thread has made me sad. I say this because I mean it. I really hope that the people I say it to, know that I mean it and would ask if they needed anything.

ACTUALLY someone asked today and I was able to help.

scifinerd · 05/02/2009 19:05

I say it a lot but I mean it. I sometimes feel intrusive if I make a specific offer. But I do mean it. And far far better to say a so called platitude then cross to the other side of the street and pretend you haven't seen someone to avoid having to say something. This happened to my mum countless times when she had cancer. And it really really hurt her. So YABU

travellingwilbury · 05/02/2009 19:10

I don't deny that some people really mean it when they say it but how many times have people taken others up on the offer ?

I know I didn't .

Maybe some would but for me it was just something people said .

I do agree its better than crossing the street which I have had .

needtochangeagain · 05/02/2009 19:16

Agree it is better than nothing and definitely better than people very very close to you (ie fam) never even bothering to pick up the phone to ask how you and your DC actually are because they are afraid you don't want to talk about it yet again...

But that's another thread...

(have namechanged...)

needtochangeagain · 05/02/2009 19:17

But they are prepared to send stupid chain emails....

pamplemousse · 05/02/2009 19:17

I am shocked that some people take this as a standard thing to say. I have said it many times and meant it, not realising that people may just think 'yeah whatever everyone says that'.
I don't like to be too specific in case people think by asking for example to help with housework you are implying their house is filthy. I had this recently with a friend who just had her 2nd child. She was complaining about the state of her house and how its getting her down, I offered genuinely to have a quick blitz to make her feel better and I think I offended her I honestly like helping people but I find people just don't like accepting help...
This thread has made me think about how I phrase things... Perhaps if I'd turned up mop in hand with a DVD for her dd1 and cake for her plonked her on the sofa and got on with it, it might have gone down a lot better....?

needtochangeagain · 05/02/2009 19:20

I have had some friends (actually one) make us dinner and it was one of the kindest things that anyone has ever done for me....she just did it. I will never forget it....

Tommy · 05/02/2009 19:29

it depends whether it is said and meant or just said as something to say.

By all means say it if you really wnt to help, otherwise (nursery owner take note) don't bother.

GaspodTheWonderDog · 05/02/2009 19:29

Pamplemousse - I'm a bit surprised too, it's a phrase I've said many times and geniunely meant it too. Hopefully my friends know I would happily help them out (and do, whenever I can). I do have a friend who does say this but NEVER seems to be able to help when you ask so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, I guess the lesson is it is what you DO and not just what you SAY that shows if you care.

oxocube · 05/02/2009 19:30

I usually say 'what can I do, what do you need me to do?' or stuff like that, followed up by a call saying I'll take their kids to cricket or pick up from school and give them dinner or something similar. Really hope I haven't offended people but I genuinely have followed through when people took me up on the offers

pamplemousse · 05/02/2009 19:47

Me too oxocube, I hope people didn't think I was giving them a standard sympathy line

FrostyTheBodyBag · 05/02/2009 19:51

YANBU It basically means i'm saying it to be nice/polite but I don't mean it.

Pisses me right off

travellingwilbury · 05/02/2009 19:53

The thing is it isn't just about you meaning it and I have no doubt that you do . It is more to do with the person you are saying it to . If they are in a mess at the time which they probably are then picking up the phone and asking someone for help is sometimes too hard to do .

It is hard , I don't know what the answer is either . As much as I have been the one people said it to I am now in a situation where I want to help someone who has just lost her husband but I don't feel like I know her well enough to just turn up with food or offers of help but I would love to help her .

Would I look like a loon ? Does it matter in the grand scheme of things ? Probably not .

cory · 06/02/2009 12:55

Not meaningless. My friend who has cancer has taken the local community at its word and has suggested ways of making her life easier. Some people have been taking kids to school, others have been cooking meals, some have been redecorating her house. She has even been able to say 'just at the moment what I need is to be left alone without too many callers'. The thing is, what we thought she might want wasn't necessarily what she needed at all: I thought she might want babysitting,it turned out having the children out of the house was the last thing she wanted. Instead, a bit of cleaning was more helpful. As long as I was offering the wrong things, I wasn't helping her at all.

I know it has been a very steep learning curve for her, learning to ask for specific things. But if she hadn't learned, she wouldn't have got what she needed.

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