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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my il's take the piddle?(likely to be long)

34 replies

nancy75 · 04/02/2009 23:42

my dp is australian, all his family live in oz, we have 1 dd aged 3. dp's family have never been that interested in us or dd but seem to think we are running a bloody backpacking hostel for them to have cheap holidays.
When dd was born dps mum never even sent a card and dps dad sent a scratch card saying if we won we could get something for the baby!
when dd was about 7 months old dps mum and step dad decided to come for a visit, and didnt tell us until 5 days before they arrived that they would be staying with us in our tiny flat for a month as they didnt want to pay for a hotel. So i gritted my teath, bought them a bed, upturned my whole home and welcomed them with open arms. They went out doing tourist stuff every day, took no notice of dd but made sure they were home every night in time for dinner. at the time we were totally skint, which they knew and they didnt even offer us any money for shopping, lovely.
A few months later dps dad (who is english but lived in oz for years) decided he wanted to go to the world cup in germany, but hey why pay for a hotel when you can stay with us? so once again i had to have somebody i have never met living in my house for three weeks, while he was here it was dd's first birthday - you guessed it not even a card! this is the man that paid £800 for a plane ticket from london to germany to watch a football match couldn't even buy his only grandchild a birthday card.
So they have both visited, always on the phone moaning we dont make enough effort , dont send enough pics of dd, dont phone dp's grandparents enough ect.
about 18months ago i ahd an op to have my thyroid removed, which happily co-incided with a trip to england by dp's nan, dp's dad didnt talk to us for 3 months because she had to stay in a hotel, because i had only been out of hospital for 2 days and didnt feel up to sleeping on the sofa so that she could have my bed. she wasnt even here to visit us, was going to see family up north but flew in to heathrow and didnt want to waste money on a hotel.
just before xmas dp's brother decides to take a year out and come to england, we have moved now so have an extra bedroom, dp's dad kindly told him that we had room and would be happy to have him stay for as long as ge liked - didnt think to check with us, naturally. so we managed to get rid of the dopey brother after 3 weeks, he didnt even get dd a xmas card, let alone offer us money for food ect, but we got rid of him so thats great.
On monday sent out loads of pics of dd in the snow, just got a reply from the brother (none from either parent) glad you emailed, friend is coming over from oz next month, i'm going to meet them in london, told them we can stay at yours for a few nights!!!
so aibu to tell the whole lot of them to fuck off?

OP posts:
Tortington · 04/02/2009 23:45

no yanbu

MitchyInge · 04/02/2009 23:47

yanbu

they sound completely thoughtless and self-absorbed

Alambil · 04/02/2009 23:47

YANBU!!!

"Sorry, I must have misplaced your email asking if you can stay. Unfortunately, we're unavailable for the dates you're coming over, so you need to find a hotel to book".

What inconsiderate arses

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/02/2009 00:36

YANBU! Tell them to shove it. Can DP not have a word?

namehelp · 05/02/2009 01:18

YANBU I think your going to need to lay down the law otherwise they are going to keep taking the piss.

MadamDeathstare · 05/02/2009 01:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twentypence · 05/02/2009 01:58

When we lived in the UK this did happen a bit.

Dh (or dp as he was) mum came to stay, but she was scrupilously fair about paying for her share of everything and slept on the sofa.

When we got married MIL, FIL and BIL stayed in our house for 2 weeks - we went on holiday for two weeks! Problem solved.

When we got back BIL was still there and lived with us for another 6 months. Those were very dark days as he was struggling with a (then) undiagnosed mental health condition, and was irrational and unreasonable. With hindsight it wasn't his fault.

Towards the end of our life in the UK we did have to pick up and feed some random friends and distant relations as we lived near Heathrow.

Now we live in NZ and if they have some relations they want to impress they still try to hold a dinner at our house as it is large and modern.

They do put up an awful lot of people they hardly know, and consequently get a lot of free nights accomodation all over the world as they stay with lots of people they hardly know.

It could be a generational thing or an antipodean thing. My FIL would never give us money to cover his expenses, my MIL has a hugely complicated system of "I will buy this for you and then you can buy two of those for me and then I'll pay for half of that and we will be even."

My parents are far better - they pay off our credit card bill the month they are here, buy all the things ds needs that month, and the food for everyone. They are a nightmare to live with - but at least we are not out of pocket.

twentypence · 05/02/2009 01:58

When we lived in the UK this did happen a bit.

Dh (or dp as he was) mum came to stay, but she was scrupilously fair about paying for her share of everything and slept on the sofa.

When we got married MIL, FIL and BIL stayed in our house for 2 weeks - we went on holiday for two weeks! Problem solved.

When we got back BIL was still there and lived with us for another 6 months. Those were very dark days as he was struggling with a (then) undiagnosed mental health condition, and was irrational and unreasonable. With hindsight it wasn't his fault.

Towards the end of our life in the UK we did have to pick up and feed some random friends and distant relations as we lived near Heathrow.

Now we live in NZ and if they have some relations they want to impress they still try to hold a dinner at our house as it is large and modern.

They do put up an awful lot of people they hardly know, and consequently get a lot of free nights accomodation all over the world as they stay with lots of people they hardly know.

It could be a generational thing or an antipodean thing. My FIL would never give us money to cover his expenses, my MIL has a hugely complicated system of "I will buy this for you and then you can buy two of those for me and then I'll pay for half of that and we will be even."

My parents are far better - they pay off our credit card bill the month they are here, buy all the things ds needs that month, and the food for everyone. They are a nightmare to live with - but at least we are not out of pocket.

Ozziegirly · 05/02/2009 02:43

Really annoying, but I think it is an Ozzie thing actually. Over here people just seem to think it normal to stay at people's houses for extended periods.

You know how in the UK if you say "oh, well, if you're in the area, do drop round" and everyone knows that means call first? Well over here it doesn't seem to - it means come round, drink our beer and expect to be fed.

On the other hand, the courtesy is normally returned so if you ever wanted a free holiday to Oz they would probably be totally fine.

Frustrating though (from a fellow Brit in Oz who likes her personal space!)

Astrophe · 05/02/2009 02:56

Oh, NO!!! Its not an Aussie thing! Shame! My (Aussie) parents would never behave like that, nor would my brother and SIL. My FIL and MIL are a bit like that, but not quite so terrible - they do let us know when they are coming, only stay for a week, and do buy the odd bottle of milk...athough we do end up forking out a fair bit. Most Aussies I know would not dream of treating people like that though, although I thinkAussies do feel fairly comfortable staying with people they don't know well, or asking a favour of somewhere to stay. IME, people are curteous with asking politely, paying their way, and are extremely grateful for the favour.

YANBU, but please don't tar us all with the same brush!

I think you should email the lot of them, explaining politely that whilst you just love seeing them and them spending time with your DD, you need to have at least 3 months notice of visits and you're sure they understand that it todays finacial climate (or some such) you would appreciate a contribution towards food when they stay. You shouldn't have to ask, and they ought to be ashaMED OF THEMSELVES FOR THEIR RUDENESS.

Ozziegirly · 05/02/2009 05:32

Sorry Astrophe - it was more the expecting to be able to stay with people, even relative strangers that I thought of as the Aussie thing rather than turning up and treating it like a hotel!

no offence meant and when I travelled here loads as a skint teenager I absolutely loved the complete ease that friends of friends or "so and so's uncle's brother" would put you up with not even an eyebrow raised.

eidsvold · 05/02/2009 06:21

actually it is a selfish thing rather than an australian thing. I know I personally said to people if they got stuck they were more than welcome to stay with us. Everyone who did - a few friends would never have treated us in the manner you described. However I would never let them stay if dh did not want them to stay. My aussie friends and myself ( as an aussie) would never behave like that.

JackBauer · 05/02/2009 06:45

YANBU, and I second (third?) Lewisfan's suggestion.

RubyRioja · 05/02/2009 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucyEllensmummy · 05/02/2009 07:36

YANBU tell them to FUCK RIGHT OFF!!! My aunt was like this with her siblings. She would come over from australia for 6 months at a time and honestly expected people to feel priviliged to have her!!

ABetaDad · 05/02/2009 07:47

I do not think you are being unreasonable but we have exactly the reverse of your problem.

My parents have NEVER visited us in 20 years of marriage. They have been invited but never come. They are retired now and still never come. They expect us to trail up their house with kids but never offer to come and see them.

What is more, they have NEVER taken the kids out once even when we go and visit them.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 05/02/2009 08:01

Tell them it's not suitable as you have other plans, sorry. I think your DP needs to have words with his family.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 05/02/2009 08:06

NO you are NOT unreasonable. such IGNORANCE really pisses me off!

Tell them

"fuck off and stop taking the piss, you cheapskate using, selfish bastards"

If you use those exact words, I'll give you a million quid!

Kimi · 05/02/2009 08:14

Y are so NBU.
Tell F*$K off.
What does your DP say about all this? I know Australians are laid back but for Gods sake he should grow a pair and tell this lot to sod off, you are not a hotel.

Original poster
nancy75 · 05/02/2009 10:04

good, i'm not unreasonable!
Now before i start brit/aussie war i know its not just an australian thing, dp's dad and grandparents are english, they just live in oz!
i feel sorry for dp, they piss him off as much as me, but they are his family and as they are so far away he does miss them.

dp has emailed the brother and told him he cant stay here, so waiting for moaning phone calls this morning!

what really annoys me is not the taking the piss coming to stay as much as the total lack of interest in dd. when she was born i was prepared to really make the effort , sent photos, videos got a webcam all so that she could grow up knowing her grandparents, now i just can't be bothered with them, sod it , its their loss

OP posts:
Frasersmum123 · 05/02/2009 10:07

YANBU

mistlethrush · 05/02/2009 10:26

The other option is to make use of the current situation and say 'Yes, you are welcome to come. These are the ratest for B&B. Supper is £ and you will need to be home at xpm to get it, but I need to know that you're going to be here to have it that morning...." etc !!! Find out going rates for local B&B and add a bit...!!

Panda40 · 05/02/2009 10:32

What a flipping cheek. I am surprised that your dp has not said anything. Ok so they are family but family works on a two way basis. We have lived abroad for numerous years and have had loads of folks / family etc staying but none like this. They take nothing for granted, always ask to contribute to things as they know it is hard for us at times too. Unless something is aid then your inlwas will just continue to walk all over you ...what have you got to loose? You dont have arealtionship with them now so what would you miss if it all went belly up after you or your dp talked to them?

Good luck, dont people just never fail to surprise you...and not always for the best reasons!!!

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 05/02/2009 10:46

Sorry they don't take an interest in your DD. That's really hard. It's their loss. Does she have lots of love from your parents?

Original poster
nancy75 · 05/02/2009 10:53

inmc - luckily my parents worship her, thats what makes it so hard for me to understand, i know its different for the ils because they are so far away. i just worry that when she gets older she is going to realise that her grandparents dont have much interest in her and i dont want her to feel like that.

mistlethrush - good idea re starting my own b&b, it would have to be cash in advance - they would only do a runner otherwise!

OP posts: