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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my PIL to visit?

43 replies

peaceandquiet · 01/02/2009 01:14

I'm 35 weeks pregnant. My PIL are visiting next weekend and I really don't want them to come. Our relationship has been up and down over the years but is ok at present. I just feel like at this stage in my pregnancy, I don't want anyone staying at my house and I don't want to have to put up with their annoying ways ie messing my house up, coming into my room when I'm asleep and waking me for a chat , lying across my sofa so there is no where for me to sit etc etc.

I feel very tense just thinking about it and I am worried that this is going to come across and cause tension. AIBU?

OP posts:
skramble · 01/02/2009 01:27

Can you make some sort of excuse as to why its not convenient, can your other half not do a bit of negotiating.

I completly see where you are coming from, how many days will they stay, can you maybe make it one night or somthing.

Tell DP he has to take you away for the weekend orsomething .

MadamDeathstare · 01/02/2009 01:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumoverseas · 01/02/2009 09:11

YANBU, I'm 36 weeks and I'd feel exactly the same. Luckily, all my family (and DH's) are 3,000 miles away
Depending on how far away they are can you not visit them for a day at the weekend (if a long way maybe you and DH could stay in a nice hotel and you could have a bit of a pamper one day and then visit them the second day?)

June2009 · 01/02/2009 09:46

I'm glad Im not the only one who feels this way. I'm not even sure I want my own dad around for a weekend at the end of the month and I'm only 22w pg. I think when people are retired they forget how stressfull it is to have a full time job and expecting a baby.

Original poster
peaceandquiet · 01/02/2009 11:04

Thanks for all the replies. I can't really put them off because I have agreed with Dh that they can't come to visit until the baby is 6 weeks old!

Madam - Good stratergies, I will do those things.

OP posts:
OneLieIn · 01/02/2009 11:17

I think YABU - they are his parents and they might want to see their DS before the baby comes along.

BTW, I have been in exactly the same situation and for a long time never wanted my PILs to visit at all. But they do and it makes my DH happy that he sees them when he does.

If you really need to get out of it, start faking BHs and say 'ooohh, that one really hurt', then say 'actually I think the baby might come soon, it feels like it' and then I am sure he'll see sense.

OneTrickMummy · 01/02/2009 11:22

I understand that you feel like this, and sympathise, but I think you would be unreasonable to act on it.

Let them come for the w/e and make them welcome but also make sure that your DH knows how to look after your needs and comforts, too. Get him to clear up their mess, ask him to make sure you get enough rest and that they do not come into your room when you are sleeping, and to be sensitive about sofa space.

Your nesting instinct will be strong now, but one of the effects of having a baby is that family want to come a lot more. This is not the moment to cause or escalate any tension by cutting them out.

alphabetsoup · 01/02/2009 12:09

Coming into your room when you're sleeping ! what an invasion !!

MadamDeathstare · 02/02/2009 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Unwelcome · 02/02/2009 18:52

YANBU

I have already told my own mother that after about 34 weeks I do not want house guests so if she wants to visit she needs to either do it now, do it later and stay in a local hotel or wait till after the baby is born

Have also turned down 2 girl friends who thought it would be fun if they came and stayed around my due date

Maybe I am a little unreasonable, but I feel justified in saying no to houseguests at that time. I am usually a great host but for one I think I am within my rights to say no, I just cant be @rsed to entertain

piscesmoon · 02/02/2009 19:04

I don't think that it unreasonable to feel like it but a bit unreasonable to stop them (depending on when you last saw them and when you are seeing them again).
I expect you might get out of it-the weather forecast is bad!

traceybath · 02/02/2009 19:08

Put them off in the interest of your future relationship.

My in-laws came for a weekend when i was 34 wks pregnant with dc1. Began well with FIL moaning that all we were talking about was the baby - well yes, i was pregnant with my first dc so pretty excited!

I was also massively hormonal (mad) and nearly cried when mil started going through all my beautifully washed, ironed and folded baby stuff and putting them back the wrong way. OK now i totally accept i was irrational but it was annoying at the time.

So do put them off.

mersmam · 02/02/2009 19:11

YANBU - I agree completely with unwelcome (v.appropriate name!) It's a hard enough time without having to cope with visitors.

However, if they must come, make sure your DH lays down some ground rules with them - definitely no coming into your room (I wouldn't have that at the best of times!)

mersmam · 02/02/2009 19:12

I have some friends who keep a caravan on the drive specifically for their inlaws when they come to stay - could you make such an investment?

deste · 02/02/2009 19:13

I am shocked they wake you up and leave you standing while they lounge on your sofa but I think you are being a bit precious not letting them see the baby till it is six weeks old. Newborns are completely different after six weeks.

mersmam · 02/02/2009 19:15

Deste, I presume peaceandquiet is letting them see the baby, just asking that they don't stay in the house - which I think is perfectly reasonable.

Original poster
peaceandquiet · 02/02/2009 19:55

deste

This is my 4th baby, I never let my PIL see my babies (2&3) until they are 6 weeks. When my DS was born my MIL took him off me and did various other horrible things so I have no qualms about not letting them see the baby until then.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 02/02/2009 19:58

Who the hell comes into a sleeping persons room and wakes them up for a chat?

Ok, if the house is on fire, wake me up, but otherwise ... wtf?

Original poster
peaceandquiet · 02/02/2009 20:00

Madamdeathstare

I like your plan - not sure I could carry it off though! I have told my DH I will be wedging the door shut when I am in my room.

OP posts:
Original poster
peaceandquiet · 02/02/2009 20:02

Notquite

She does it all the time and has been known to do it when I'm in he shower too, prehaps I needs locks

OP posts:
Mung · 02/02/2009 20:08

They sound like a total pain and not what you need in your house late on in your pregnancy. You obviously know what its like at this stage of pregnancy given that its your fourth.

If you cannot find an excuse to keep them away then be very firm with them about what you want and need. Its your house and they need to remember that, perhaps with a bit of help from DH.

Perhaps when you go for a nap you could say, 'I'm going for a sleep and I would like to be left in peace.'

Good luck and stay calm.

NotQuiteCockney · 02/02/2009 20:13

I just ... I can't get my head around either of those behaviours. I would shout at anyone who woke me up "to chat". If my children are distraught, if there is a problem, I will wake up.

I would shriek at someone who came in when I was showering, unless there was some sort of emergency.

Does your DH think this is all normal and ok? Does he wake you up when you are sleeping, for a chat? (Do they wake your children up, when they are sleeping, for a chat?)

NotQuiteCockney · 02/02/2009 20:14

I mean, I only have two kids, and every moment of my sleep is precious. You already have three. You are pregnant with the fourth.

Is she delusional? What the fuck does she want to chat about that is so sodding important she thinks she can wake you up for it?!?

Original poster
peaceandquiet · 02/02/2009 20:17

My DH agrees that MIL is mad. But he actually does wake me up for a chat and makes loads of noise. I have put up this to a point until now, I have started going mad.

I suppose I have just wanted a quiet life until now (hormones raging)

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 02/02/2009 20:18

You need to learn to wake up really really cross. Nobody ever wakes me up for anything trivial, more than once.