to expect my mum to help a little bit

[chellimum]

this is going to be long so bear with me....I am rather annoyed/upset with my mum. The thing is she will not do anything to help me and the kids. I am a single parent with four kids( including 1 yo twins) and I know it not her "responsibility" as she always says but she will do nothing at all to help me. I do absaloutley everything 4 the kids mainly on my own. It is hard as I work p/t also..and I know its not "her fault i on my own. If i ask her for help i.e- would you come to a shop with me or would you take my daughter d1 and son d2 somewhere...she goes all off with me. I really have tried talking to her but she said she wants her time 2 herself and has no time for my children and how she has mounds and mounds of wahing and ironing to do (she lives with my step dad and my grown up brother). This really upsets me as although I understand she is busy(aren't we all though and it patronises me as if she could see my ironing pile she would flip)she works so again I know she busy but I also work ..and i know alot of other grandmas that still work and make an effort with their grankids. I feel she could make time a bit just for the sake of my children to make an effort but no. When I go round there I have to take toys etc to entertain them as she has nothing ..and we not even allowed to sit in the living room. The kids are not aqllowed to make noise or touch anything. I JUST DONT GET HER! The final straw was a few weeks ago when I was really concerned with one of the twins and asked her (in the nicest possible way )would she watch my eldest 2 while i took the twins to a and e. She hung up on me. This is how i get treated by her then she will ignore me 4 a few weeks then expect everything to be fine.

I just feel heartbroken by this as I feel my kids need a grandmother. I am proud of how I cope with themm all on my own . I just cant believe she is like this with her grandchildren ... who are all adorable kids ..they all have there moments but they are good kids. aND I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WONT DO ANYTHING...She has only looked after the twins once...ever and this was for half an hour. I understand people want space etc but it not like I round there all the time.. I am allowed to go round once a week (if that) for an hour and a half and she tells me b4 hand i can only come for an hour.Its like I have to make an appointment.

If one of my kids ended up on their own, even if I was busy I would look after them..even if it was for one day a month..or once in a blue moon so thay could go out. I missed my best friends wedding because she wouldnt come with me or look after one of the babies 4 me. she has never had any of them over night.. I am sorry I am rambling now but how would u feel? Are any of u out there in the same boat. Am I selfish? or is she?

Well said Riven.

what riven said

I'm sorry chellimum that you have this situation. And as another poster said, she can't expect anything from you when she is old and decrepit. I'm sure you won't make her mistakes. You sound lovely and well done on everything you do. You are a star.

at the people saying that parents who don't carry on supporting their adult children either physically (chores/childcare) and/or monetarily should get naff all when they are elderly. Is that the way it works then? You may have cared for me throughout my childhood and raised me to be an independent adult but I'll only love you if you carry on doing it for the rest of your life and if you don't you just wait until you need me because I am already planning gleefully to leave you high and dry? Sheesh ...

Parents ought not to boot their children out of their lives when they reach adulthood but they should not have to support them (and the choices they have made in their lives) once they are adults unless they happen to want to. Parents' time and money are exactly that; theirs not ours. I expect (and receive) love and emotional support from my parents and PIL but why on earth would I expect them to bail me out should I get in difficulties or to provide free labour for me? I am totally appreciative if they should wish to help but I don't EXPECT it and wouldn't dream of some weird kind of retribution enactment when they get old.

Excellent post Nekabu.
I wrote something similar but didn't post as I went off on a long ramble.

Nekabu you are quiet fortunate to have loving parents, with my parents they have said and done things that are unforgivable and i just let them live on now. I think they are abusers in a big way and i would never leave my children with them. If my mother ever came to live with me i would not trust myself with how i would treat her so i would rather let them be for mine and my childrens sakes.

I agree Nekabu. Parents should not be expected to help out once their children are adults. It's lovely if they do but there should be no sense of obligation.

Generally agree with Nebaku but as others have said you would hope for help in an emergency.

My Mum is great, very loving but now very funny about having us over. As for looking after the DCs - forget it! She wouldn't look after DS1 when I had DD, said DH would just have to miss the birth, that's what happened in her day. Well thanks.

My Mum seems scared of having the children around, and petrified of looking after them. It's as if she has lost her confidence with small children. Could that be the case with your Mum? Could she be remembering fraught times when you and your brother were tiny (we all have 'em) and thinking how much worse it would be with four, and panicking?

I tend to think it's her loss actually.

I think what goes around comes around.

My own parents have always been very supportive of my family in practical ways and I am now keen to help them as they need more help themselves.

Dp's parents have taken the attitude that dp is a grown up and should expect no further help from his parents - even though they were retired, physically fit and in good health and financially very comfortable. They have babysat for us only 2 or 3 times in 9 years, even though they live just 4 miles away. Unsuprisingly, now that their health is beginning to decline I feel under no obligation to provide them with any practical help.

chellimum,yes sorry you feel your mum is disinterested.that understandably hurts.

sounds as if she wont change.if a sick grandchild going to A&E isn't a reality call i don't know what is

you however sound like a real coper,total star.you will get all that love and recognition back from your children.when they grow up as adults,they will really look back and think "wow,thanks mum"

and your mum,well you get out what you put in.she wont get great granny recognition,because she didn't invest the love/energy.simple as that

is your child who attended A&E ok now

You sound incredibly strong and organised to be managing four - incl year old twins on your own. I imagine you have little energy left, so I would put the energy you do have into something a bit more productive than letting her repeatedly show her lack of interest. It must be heartbreaking.

One of my son's friend's parents has befriended the old lady next door and she is their adoptive Granny (as well as their own) and as her children are overseas, she does lots for them. I would put your energy into developing friendships with other mums if she isn't interested.

Thank you all. I do feel much better now.. It has helped just hearing what other people's views are. I have decided that I am going to leave my mum be...I am not going to fall out with her...but am going to just let her do the running from now on and given time maybe she will realise or maybe not. I do think though in order to not pass on so much of the anxiety to my kids that this causes me I am going to try and get some counselling on these issues.

I think some of your comments could be true of my mum and even though I have explained to her my feelings she prob doesnt understand how I feel as I spent a lot of time over and my grandma's when I was young so she has never had to struggle. I know its not her fault I have had four children...........but I thaught I was going to be having three lol didnt bargain 4 twins as they dont run in the family or anything. I obviously think the world of my twins as they are so special, but having the extra baby does restrict us as a family alot more to what we can do...If i had just 3 i woulnt probbably be asking for help anyway as you can still take one baby pretty much anywhere on your own i.e the ball pools or on a day out etc. Dont get me wrong I still go out with all tha kids but am much more limited to stuff i CAN DO I.e my daughter has stopped gymnastics etc as you all have to wait.. It not so much the babysitting (all though now and than to even take one or two of them would have been nice I wouldnt have expected her to take them all anyway. Its just my older two i feel would benefit from her exclusive time maybe) it would just have been nice if she would have come with us to a ball pool or something or to occasionally to stop the other kids what seems like missing out on stuff.. But she wont even entertain the idea of coming out with us. I have come to the conclusion she is ashamed of us all now and ashamed of me ending up a single parent...and I know she doesn't want my children to turn out well, I had problems in my childhood and think she is doing this to make sure I have a hard life too. I know you might think that sounds silly but that is how she works.Thats life though..Stuff happens. Got to get on with it haven't you thats all you can do. I am definately going to try and find some more single friends though and hopfully everything will turn out ok in the end.x Thanks for all your thoughtsx

Good for you chellimum xxx

When you wrote that your mum is doing this to be sure you have a hard life it rang so true for the situation I had. My mum would be happy when things weren't going good for me & family.

Take good care of yourself on getting through this. You sound a fantastic mum and your kids are so lucky to have you. Best wishes.

chellimum - good for you, I feel the same with my Mum I don't even phone her now, I said to her that she is welcome to come and visit any weekday but got told she is not a good traveller whatever that means and that she cannot afford the train fare, I even offered to send her the money. In the end I though well sod you I'm the one with 3 beautiful little girls and your the one missing out. What goes around comes around nad when your old and in a nursing home maybe I won't be able to afford to come and visit you!

I know what you mean it's not that you want her to babysit all of them but for example it would be nice for her to come out with you all one day, things like going swimming etc are impossible.

You should just get on with your own life stop asking her and maybe she will realise what she is missing if not her loss.

i am actually feeling increasingly pissed off with your mum myself now! As said by sweetkitty, her loss. i think your decided approach is v sensible and emotionally mature.

Chellimum I think you're doing the right thing in really difficult circumstances. I really feel for you though. My own situation is not nearly as bad as yours, but I have cried over my parents' lack of support. It's not that I even want them to babysit, I just wish they would actually visit or somehow arrange to see me and my DS.

Nekabu, to some extent I agree with you, but there comes a point in a family relationship, particularly a parental one, where constant witholding of practical help becomes a kind of emotional neglect, particularly when coupled with a refusal to see family members. After all, if you called up your best friend to help you in an emergency, you'd be pretty pissed off if she said she had too much ironing to do or whatever. And surely family members have slightly more call on each other's time than that?