to expect my mum to help a little bit

[chellimum]

this is going to be long so bear with me....I am rather annoyed/upset with my mum. The thing is she will not do anything to help me and the kids. I am a single parent with four kids( including 1 yo twins) and I know it not her "responsibility" as she always says but she will do nothing at all to help me. I do absaloutley everything 4 the kids mainly on my own. It is hard as I work p/t also..and I know its not "her fault i on my own. If i ask her for help i.e- would you come to a shop with me or would you take my daughter d1 and son d2 somewhere...she goes all off with me. I really have tried talking to her but she said she wants her time 2 herself and has no time for my children and how she has mounds and mounds of wahing and ironing to do (she lives with my step dad and my grown up brother). This really upsets me as although I understand she is busy(aren't we all though and it patronises me as if she could see my ironing pile she would flip)she works so again I know she busy but I also work ..and i know alot of other grandmas that still work and make an effort with their grankids. I feel she could make time a bit just for the sake of my children to make an effort but no. When I go round there I have to take toys etc to entertain them as she has nothing ..and we not even allowed to sit in the living room. The kids are not aqllowed to make noise or touch anything. I JUST DONT GET HER! The final straw was a few weeks ago when I was really concerned with one of the twins and asked her (in the nicest possible way )would she watch my eldest 2 while i took the twins to a and e. She hung up on me. This is how i get treated by her then she will ignore me 4 a few weeks then expect everything to be fine.

I just feel heartbroken by this as I feel my kids need a grandmother. I am proud of how I cope with themm all on my own . I just cant believe she is like this with her grandchildren ... who are all adorable kids ..they all have there moments but they are good kids. aND I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WONT DO ANYTHING...She has only looked after the twins once...ever and this was for half an hour. I understand people want space etc but it not like I round there all the time.. I am allowed to go round once a week (if that) for an hour and a half and she tells me b4 hand i can only come for an hour.Its like I have to make an appointment.

If one of my kids ended up on their own, even if I was busy I would look after them..even if it was for one day a month..or once in a blue moon so thay could go out. I missed my best friends wedding because she wouldnt come with me or look after one of the babies 4 me. she has never had any of them over night.. I am sorry I am rambling now but how would u feel? Are any of u out there in the same boat. Am I selfish? or is she?

FioFio

(was worried I was coming across a combination of unfeeling and even patronising but relieved to see a few people agree with my view on this. I do understand how hard it must be, Chelli, and know that the last thing you probably feel like is making a fuss of her right now. However, I do think that it would be in everyone?s interests to help rebuild the relationship and get her back on side supporting you. The best way to start is to try to see how she might view it from her angle, regardless of whether you agree with her or not x)

Thank you all for your advice.But my mum wont come out with all of us even shopping and yes she does have the right to say no to babysitting but she never has. I think tis a bit starnge also 2 say the least. And yes she does do everything for my brother but then again he does live at home. I think you are right that maybe I should take the hint and find other alternatives but on the other hand that does hurt especially when you hear of collegues friends etc saying how their mum does this n that etc.

It affects me though in my relationships with people as it makes me feel odd that why should i be different than everyone else (or most people) and have a mother like this. Anyway like you say no point feeling sorry 4 my self. Maybe i shall try and talk to her again and if not just move on. Tanks again for the advice.x

Thank you all for your advice.But my mum wont come out with all of us even shopping and yes she does have the right to say no to babysitting but she never has. I think tis a bit starnge also 2 say the least. And yes she does do everything for my brother but then again he does live at home. I think you are right that maybe I should take the hint and find other alternatives but on the other hand that does hurt especially when you hear of collegues friends etc saying how their mum does this n that etc.

It affects me though in my relationships with people as it makes me feel odd that why should i be different than everyone else (or most people) and have a mother like this. Anyway like you say no point feeling sorry 4 my self. Maybe i shall try and talk to her again and if not just move on. Tanks again for the advice.x

I gave my mum every chance to be a grandparent and she couldn't be bothered or even be proud of her grandchildren. She did nothing to help or look after them.

It caused my a lot of sadness & when I tell others they just can't believe how awful she was.

Chelli - make your own way & let your mum make the running if she wants.

Chelli, Your mumis not being fair by doing things for your DB and not you. She should try and help you out more if he has the benefits of living at home.

I don't think yabu. I see what people are saying when they say that GPs should be duty-bound to babysit, but I think it is entirely reasonable to expect them to engage with their grandchildren in some way. As you yourself have said, it is her loss.

I was lucky enough to have 2 grannies as a child. My dad's mum made it very plain to my mum when I was very small that SHE would not be babysitting etc. My mum's mum, on the other hand, looked after me while my mum worked, baby sat every single Saturday night AND did the same for my other cousins. Guess which gran we were all closer to? My dad loved his MIL more than his own mother at the end. He and my mum visited her every single day when she finally had to go into a nursing home, and we would all have done anything for her. My other gran, in her advancing years, constantly moaned at us about how lonely she was and how she wished we would visit etc. She couldn't see that the situation was of her own making, sadly. Your mum is forfeiting her rights to her grandkids, and she'd better hope she never finds herself alone or infirm and relying on you and your children for companionship and help.

I am lucky- although my mum is sadly no longer with us, my dad is a FANTASTIC papa, who loves spending time with the kids (and us!) We moved next door to him a few years ago, and it has worked out beautifully. As much as he is here for us right now, if anything happened to him, we will always be here for him too. It's all very well saying they didn't ask to be grandparents, but WE didn't ask to be born, so does that mean we should have no responsibility to our aging parents? That would be a depressing and cynical world to live in, I think.

YANBU whilst I agree GPs should not be used and abised a a free childcare service, I think they should be there in emergencies when you need them.

My Mum sounds like yours, I actually have had enough of her now and don't phone her or visit her, I have left it up to her said she is welcome any weekday to come and visit but we are an hour away and she doesn't drive but says she cannot afford the train (she can she's just too lazy) when she does visit she sits on the sofa and watches them and drinks tea so it's a bit pointless. When I was pregnant with DD3 (I lost a baby before DD3 and she said it was for the best and I was stupid to have 3 DC), I had SPD and could hardly walk and had a 2 and 3yo to look after she never once came to visitor help out. With DD2 I had to have a homebirth so DP could see her being born as he would have had to look after DD1.

She is just a nasty vindictive person theres loads more I could tell you.

I had counselling a while back for slef esteem issues, anxiety and depression and a lot about my childhood and my relationship with my Mother came out, apparently a lot of Mothers are jealous of their daughters, especially if they see their daughters having careers and the opportunity they never got. They see them as being younger, happier and more successful than them and to try to counteract this they try and put their daughter down at every opportunity (my Mum to a T) and generally give them no support etc

I think you are a mravel 4 DC on your own twins too and a p/t job and no family help, you are a star woman

Interesting Jooly. I think it is indeed depressing and cynical on one level, but personally speaking I feel like that myself, and have told my mother so. She sent me to boarding school at 11, and really disengaged emotionally after that. She also didn't care for me physically very much after that, or show a huge amount of interest in me or my life other than whether I had passed exams, so I really don't feel particularly responsible for her wellbeing. I think you cut the psychological umbilical cord at your own risk and once that is done, it's unlikely to lead to happiness in old age.

That's exactly what I mean, boffinmum. I really think it's like any other relationship- you get out what you put in, as a parent (or at least, I'd like to think so!!) My dad and I are very close, and he has been a huge help and support to us. He had a slight stroke a few years ago, and it was a real shock to all of us. He has always said that he would hate to have to go into a nursing home, and I will do everything in my power to ensure that he never has to. My Dh jokes that he will one day be wiping my dad's backside, but he would if he had to! My MIL, otoh, is far more distant, makes little effort etc. She sometimes seems a bit envious of my dad's standing in our family, but he has earned it!

I'm not suprised you feel disappointed by and unsupported by your mum, especially since even a little of her help would probably make a big difference to you.

Your mum definitely isn't the only one who doesn't want to change her lifestyle for grandchildren...if that makes it any easier.

Also lots of people have no parents or parents who live a long way away. I think the way through is to try to build up a substitute support network through friends etc.

Hard as it seems, I don't expect your mother will change her ways and I think time and energy spent wanting her to change is wasted time and energy.

I feel for you, it must be very tough to be a single parent with 4 kids and no parental support.

I think you should stop asking for help as it's just making your mum back off more and you get more resentful. It sounds to me as though your mum is scared that if she helps you at all that, before she knows it, she'll find herself knee deep in helping with your children. That would explain the elaborating on all the chores she has to do and how busy she is and maybe that is why she put the phone down on you, she may have thought it was a ruse and once she looked after them once, she'd find herself doing it all the time.

Some mothers (mine included) feel that their job is to raise their children to be independent adults and that once that they have got to that stage, then their role is to be there for emotional support and love but not to be getting on down with the chores. I can quite appreciate that you are desperate for help but it plainly is not going to be forthcoming from your mother so don't ask as it's just upsetting you.

Sorry to hear your experience Riven.

I'll be doing everything I can to help my kids when they are older.

Sorry I haven't read through all the replies, but it seems quite rightly that everyone agrees YANBU. My mother hasn't had to work for years, she has a cleaner, all her kids have moved out of home, she spends most of her time swanning around london and driving her Porsche, she's loaded and has heaps of free time, yet won't help us out with childcare unless it's the occasional one off. Last week, my ds got sent home from nursery with a fever, I asked if she could help out the next day as dp and I both had to work a full day, she said she could do half a day as she wanted to go shopping! She has nothing else on ALL WEEK. It was like she just could bare to give up a whole day of her time. It annoyed me, and because she WAS helping out in some way, meant I could say nothing but 'thank you, thank you'.

It annoys me more, as my MIL who works full time at the minimum wage and volunteers as well, is looking after ds regularly for one day a week. She just appreciates spending time with him, and was thrilled when we asked her!! How different their reactions are.

I know I'll be an enthusiastic grandmother if I'm fortunate enough to ever be in such a wonderful position.

I think that Nekabu makes some good points.
Your title says you want your mum to help 'a little bit' but your post seems (could be misreading) to suggest you would like more than 'a little bit' of help.

I think that YAB a bit U.
If your mother has other things she wants to do then she shouldn't have to make excuses (as she appears to feel she needs to).
Maybe she feels a lot of unwanted pressure to help you and is avoiding confrontation.
Maybe if you did build your own network of friends and didn't appear to her to be so needy of her (not saying you are just that she might feel it's a bit that way) then perhaps she would be more willing to step in and offer help.

Fwiw I've missed all sorts of occassions etc because of no-one to look after our children. For us it comes with having responsibility for our children. Nice if someone helps with that responsibility sometimes but we have to accept that it stops at us.

I am just heartbroken hearing how these women are distancing themselves from their families. Was it really such a terrible experience bringing children up in the 70s and 80s that they are now scarred for life?

I remember my grandparents seeing a lot more of me and helping out a lot more than my parents now do. Likewise my own parents seemed to spend half their lives down at their grandparents. It's as though some sort of historic chain has been broken.

I have to say though, that even though my mum is less than perfect as a grandmother, I can't think of a single circumstance where she wouldn't step in if one of the kids needed to be in hospital ...

How about your kids father? Can he not look after them? After all they're his kids

I had a situation with my mother.She wasn't like other mothers my friends had She did nothing to make my childhood nice, never helped me in anyway and never bothered with her grandchildren.

I don't know Chellimum situation but just speaking from what happened to me there can be more than a grandparenting wanting their own time. This is reasonable world when a gran just wants to be selfish & enjoy life on her own terms. My experience was of someone who just didn't care and never looked out for her own family.

I look after my family really lovely and cherish my wonderful children. I would do anything for them.

Interesting point, almeida. I think if your mother is different from other friends' mothers, that is a good indicator of something being wrong and out of step. My own mum certainly was quite neglectful and other people kept scooping us up and sorting us out to compensate. That says something, IMO.

I heard as an adult that my own grandma even had a word with my mum at one point about the obvious way she used to play favourites with her children, and how I was always left at the back, and she didn't make amends. So my grandmother used to spoil me a bit more to make up for it. But she died when I was 11 (I miss her).

Riven's reply nearly drove my blood pressure up- sorry but I'd nearly consider that woman evil! And how could those friends she was having lunch with even tolerate her company- words fail me. Chellimum, your mum is selfish. I hAd wonderful parents, some mornings I'd leave DC with mum for an hour while I'd run into town and get shopping for both of us. She also babysat for us though I'd always ensure DC were fast asleep when she arrived so all she had to do was check on them every half hour. Then both were diagnosed with cancer and the roles were reversed. It was so hard with two small DC but my brothers were useless and anyway they only wanted me looking after them. They sadly died within 4 weeks of each other. Chellimum, your mother will pay the price when she's old and your precious pampered brother will be of no use. You, in the meantime are doing a great job on your own.

I meant to add: I agree with replies suggesting you get together with a few mums in your area and help out each other.
Two of my brothers live near me and we all help each other out.