to be angry/upset with my husband?

[MrsY]

I haven't even had my baby yet (due in three weeks) and he is already complaining about finances and saying that as soon as I recover from my c-section I'll have to go back to work - so during the recovery I'll have to go job hunting as I was only temping during pregnancy.

Am I selfish to wish he would stop talking about this? I can't bear the thought of ever leaving her, let alone when she's only a few weeks...

I know this puts all the pressure on him, and as a car salesman he's not exactly racking it in, but all I want to do is be at home with my baby.

Do you work for the Corby tourist board?

lol.no...I should though

No - you're not being unreasonable MrsY. I dont think your husband realises quite how much having a baby - and getting up the learning curve on how to deal with your first baby - is going to impact on you (and him) - the very last thing you need is for added stress in trying to find a job AND childcare for bub (particularly if recuperating from birth via c-section). Childcare will probably work out more expensive than whatever money you bring in....

If he's worried about finances,the best thing to do is try to look at your financial situation and work out where you can make cut backs for the time being. Lots of baby stuff is available via EBAY etc. You may be able to sell some stuff on EBAY to raise finances. The alternative is to ask grandparents for money instead of presents for bubs (so you can buy what you need as and when you need it and can put it towards necessities if need be).

Another thing to look at, when bubs is a little older and you're not so sleep deprived, is maybe working from home type jobs (not the most scintillating in the world,but can be done while keeping an eye on bubs sleeping/playing). Will bring some money in with out depriving you of time with the little lady.

Hope you guys get things sorted.

YANBU. Of course, we all sympathise with the situation he is in, but he is not going to solve the financial situation by stressing you out and therefore potentially prolonging the time you need for recovery. These few weeks are essential for your coping with the baby. Any stressing that he was going to be doing aloud should have been done earlier- or else it can wait for a little bit.

Would you consider becoming a childminder instead That way you could earn and be home with your baby. It will be hard work, but may be preferable to going out to work and leaving baby with MIL.

oops, my ? after instead disappeared..

YANBU at all, i can't really offer any advice except to say that you should probably tell him that you understand his concerns but will talk about his fears when the baby is around 1 month old and the dust is starting to settle. If you can't bear the thought of going back to work maybe you could think about other ways to reduce your outgoings but he needs to accept that these sort of comments are not really constructive at the moment and you should talk once baby has arrived and you have both had a chance to come to terms with being parents.
Sorry i can't be of more help.

MrsY, you are not being unreasonable at all you poor thing.
I can understand that your DH is worried about money but he shouldn't be putting pressure on you like this at the moment. If you are supposed to be job hunting soon after the birth is he going to be driving you around to interviews etc as you won't be able to drive for up to 6 weeks after a CS?

What doesn't help is his job, particularly in this current climate and the fact that it is commission only. Can he not seek alternative employment?

Like others have said, maybe consider something you can do from home to earn a little money but its not reasonable to expect you 'out there' within weeks of your little one's arrival.

Huge hugs for you xxx

MrsY I am sorry you are in this situation.

YANBU at all.

Having a new baby is a massive life change, and you need time at home to recover from the op, establish and maintain feeding, and develop a relationship with your baby.

I would have had real probs with my MIL having taking over the childcare for my PFB from a few weeks old. As other posters have said you may find your parenting differs massively from your in-laws who are likely to following out of date advice.

Perhaps look into doing something from home so you could have some help from your MIL but still be around for the baby?

Or could you ask your DH to give you three months breathing space after the baby arrives and then agree to look into something? Maybe you could temp part-time?

He may change his mind about wanting you back out at work asap anyway, when the reality of the new baby hits him.

Thanks for the advice.

I appreciate all the advice, and I'm sure things will be ok - was just very emotional last night.

The frustrating thing is that we had all this before, and I thought the ides of going back after 6-8 months was bad enough, but sooner than that got me feeling really awful.

In fairness to him, he doesn't expect me to go back full time, and I'm lucky that his mum had to leave him with her MIL, so has an idea of how I'm feeling about leaving her, and fingers crossed, will do what I want.

I know I can't expect him to bear the burden, and that it's not his fault.

I suppose part of my anger is directed at myself for not taking more responsibility for saving before I gave up work, and for loosing my job when I was about 14 weeks. I also know that we're very lucky compared to others, and that I have a few weeks now and hopefully, a few months after she's born, to wallow in new-mum-ness!

MrsY, of course you were emotional, we all are when pregnant.
Its not your fault you save more and lost your job so don't blame yourself.
What line of work were you in before? As you are lucky enough to have your MIL as a potential babysitter maybe you could sign up as a temp and do ad hoc temping which you would not be able to do if you used a nursery/childminder as you'd have to commit to set days/hours. That might work?
I know that the job situation is not good in the UK now but there must be some companys that need temps occasionally so you might be lucky and you could then have the best of both worlds, earn a little bit here and there (and possibly at a higher hourly rate than a permanent job) and also spend lots of time with your DD.

I guess, MOS, but I assume that if I work even a little bit, I'll loose my maternity allowance, so I'll have to work enough hours that I'll earn more than the allowance to make it worthwhile. I imagine I'll have to do 3 days a week, and top up with something in the evening for a bit of cash in hand...

After the baby you may be entitled to the £500 sure start maternity grant, check it out!

MrsY I was supposed to return to work after mat leave and didn't. Completely understand you not wanting to leave your baby, but also understand your dh's fears. However, I am positive there are people out there that are far worse off than you financially that cope just fine, and yes it is a lot of pressure on him to bring home enough money for you and baby to survive, but you just make sacrifices. I'm not saying it's that simple but it all works out because it has to. You'll look into any benefits you can claim, obv. CB and CTC which for me is about £150 a month, you can try for the sure start mat grant (pick up form from job centre), speak to the council to see if eligible for council tax benefits and/or help with the rent etc.
We're struggling atm with 1 ds but we'll find a way with 2.
You might find that he turns a corner after the birth and would feel better knowing your children are raised by you.
I would have been ready to put ds in childcare when he was about 11 months, but was pg again so no chance and I expect this to be the same unless we hit really bad times, but I'm not thinking about that now. We worked out if I'd gone back to work, after paying for child care I could be working 40+ hrs a week for £250! No way.

I do a bit of mystery shopping. Each assignment takes about 20mins and pays £10 a time, not much but it'll get dinner or something one night. I've also looked into doing Avon, Ann Summers parties, Usborne books etc. If you have a Sure Start Centre near you, they often run courses and things. Mine is about to start an Indian Head Massage Course that enables you to start your own business once you have your certificate. Sounds interesting, the woman that came in to tell us about it says the going rate is about £40 for a 20-30 minute session.....I can't do this one though as it's running on a tuesday morning from the end of feb and won't have anyone to watch the boys

Mrsy, i understand your dh's concerns to a certain extent but a huge part of me says 'well he's had 9 months to realise that finacnces were going to be stretched and to sort something out'

a baby, expecially your first, is still so new and precious for those first few months i really can't see how you could walk out to work and leave her with anyone, even a doting mil. it takes so long to acclimatise to becoming a parent and get used to this tiny person you've brought into the world. trying to settle at a new job when you're still in those early days of motherhood strikes me as something practically guaruanteed to set off PND and make what will already be an incredibly tough time almost impossible to bear.

keep in mind as well, you may have a baby who's starting to settle by 6 weeks old...... or you could have a baby that doesn't sleep, screams constantly and feeds round the clock like i had first time round.

how in the name of god would you function in a job with 2/3 hours sleep a night and no down time at home whatsoever? and would it really be fair to ask your mil who has already done her duty as a mother to take on a diifficult newborn?

and what about feeding and nappies? the best way to save money for the first few months of a babies life are to bf and use reusables. i doubt very much you could establish bf-ing to the point of expressing enough for a days work 3 days a week within the first few weeks (i could never get to that point) so you'll have to switch to ff. whatever about the emotional cost of switching if it's not what you really want at that stage.... has he checked the price of formula recently? and the cost of bottles, teats, steralisers, elec to run steraliser and all other related costs of ff? and has he seen the price of nappies recently? asking a minder to use reusables is a big ask and his mother simply may not be willing to do it.

i wasn't ready to leave my dd to work until she was 8 months, and even then i was only leaving her with dp for a few hours a day and it still broke my heart, up til that i did some catalogue work which meant i could bring her with me doing drop offs and collections to make neds meet, dp lost his job when she was 5 months old and we were very broke so please don't assume i don't know exactly what you're facing, i just don't think you going out to work within weeks of having your little girl is remotely a solution.

Fab posts PT, brilliantly put. Thinking back Mrsy, my DS didn't sleep at all in the 1st 4mths and I didn't really come out of the haze until then and start remembering everything. I cannot imagine at all having to go to work in the middle of that period

I am lucky that I have some money stashed which means I can have time off, however I will have to go back to work eventually. I hate my job/bosses with a passion so have decided to re-train to do something with alot less responsibility/stress that can be fitted around school hours etc. Would that be an option for you? as, dependent on your DH's income, you can get paid to learn i believe. Learning at home at your own pace would fit round the baby and even a evening course means DH could have her?

It sounds as though he's going about it in the wrong way, getting in a stress before the baby's even born, but tbh, if you both need to work, then you'll have to do it.. plenty of couples do.

Obviously being back at work within a couple of weeks is ridiculous and not going to happen, but maybe your DH means start looking for jobs, with a view to getting something sorted when the baby is a few months old, which is entirely reasonable. Your lives will be far more stressful if you end up in massive debt or repossessed etc and I think you need to face facts that the economic climate is shit, so these things are very real for many people.

Having relatives to do the childcare is a double edged sword.... may be free or cheaper, but you may not get the kind of care you want.... However, if finanaces are really tight, you may be better going with it in the short term.

Hiya. Not had time to read everyone elses reply. But I was temping during my first pregnancy and despite not working for the entire time I was pregnant, i.e. I was working on and off, I still qualified for proper maternity pay where I got 90% of my average salary from weeks x to x (can't remember what those weeks were sorry..it was 4 years ago!). Had I not read my temping agencies handbook i would never have found out I was entitled to it. In the end it got me something like £3000 in total so was well worth me hassling and talking to HR and head office.

I was with Reed temp agency. Dunno if that helps. And was earning on average £7 an hour. I only worked 15 hour weeks for about 3 months and another 3 months on 35 hour weeks. You are also entitled to paid time off for antenatal appointments.

Or at least you were. This was in 2004. Please look in to it as you could be due alot more money than you think.

YANBU. This is grossly unfair on you. He is putting pressure on you at a time when you least need it. If you were hoping to go back to work when your child is 6 months old and he thinks you should go back when he/she is 3 months old (for example), add up how much you would realistically make in that extra 3 months and then find another way to get that money. Sell something - car boot sales, ebay etc. Downgrade your car. Maybe he can do some over time? Or work out how you can cut back in order to save some of that money?

Either way it is unreasonable to expect you to go back to work too soon, especially after a section. I know times are hard financially, but putting new mothers out to work cannot be the way to solve this!

I feel very upset on your behalf.

babymt - I only qualify for Maternity Allowance through the jobcentre, as I wasn't with my agency for long enough. Unfortunately, one of the girls got dates muddled up, and told me they could. As a result of the mix up, I only sent of my application for MA last week, and so although I'll still get the same amounts as I would of done if I was being paid by the agency, I won't accrue holiday (which would help a fair amount) and it will obviously take longer to start getting the money in.

I think the break in payment (had to stop working just before Christmas on doc's orders) and the money spent over Christmas and the doom and gloom has contributed to all this, but he's realised that although we need to talk about this and have a plan in place, a heated discussion when the phone bill arrives is not the best way of doing things!

It's about compromise MrsY.

Yes, he's unreasonable in getting into an argument and making you feel you have to walk out of the operating theatre straight into a job!

But you said in your OP that 'you can't bear the thought of ever leaving the baby' , and maybe if you have voiced that concern aloud to him, he's scared shitless that you won't ever want to go back to work, or at least not for years and years, and he's quite rightly seriously scared of the consequences of that.

Yes, people can scrimp and save and cut back. but there comes a point where if you both need to work, then that's that - no point getting weepy about it, plenty of parents are in the same boat, you organise yourselves and get on with it. And at least you have the option of free or cheaper childcare with a relative, which probably makes your DH feel that it's more reasonable that you should both work.

YANBU he is, if you want to be at home with your baby that is your absolute right. If he doesn't like it, tell him to look for a better paid job or make cut backs. Its that simple. No woman should feel pressurised into going back to work before she is ready. That is why we live in an "equal" society so women have CHOICE!!

On a practical note, you may well be entitled to tax credits if your DH wage falls below a certain threshold. You will definately be entitled to something im sure.

I reckon he is just having a panic, but really its about what is most important - if it is a question of not being able to meet mortgage payments then i totally understand but if it is just about not being able to maintain lifestyle then i would say to him - welcome to parenthood.

Of course on the other hand, LEM, some people believe we live in an equal society so that women and men can be treated with equal rights.

'If he doesn't like it, tell him to look for a better paid job' - what a disgusting thing to say.

The OP's husband is working full time. He is, like many other workers, facing a hellish time of insecurity, wondering how things are going to turn out. How utterly 'helpful' to say he should just go find a 'better' job.

Maybe you are stuck in the 19th century LEM, but many of us believe that parents are EQUAL and that they should face the joys and challengings of parenting EQUALLY.