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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lay out rules for childcare by GP

57 replies

Wigglesworth · 30/01/2009 15:13

I go back to work in April when DS will be 9 months old. I will be working 4 days a week, the plan at the moment is DS will go to nursery for 3 days a week and with my Mum for 1 day a week. I want her to take care of him in our house in a familiar environment and where all his stuff is (highchair, cot, pram etc) plus it is far easier for mine and DH's commute to work and would save us loads of time.
My problem is that I don't want her to drive anywhere with him e.g. into town or to her friends house as I want to know where he is plus my Mum isn't the most confident driver. I don't mind if she takes him out in his buggy, there are loads of nice parks and playgroups in our area and it isn't a rough estate. I also don't want her taking him to her house as my brother still lives at home and doesn't work and smokes, he smokes outside but I don't want him breathing his nasty ciggy breath all over him. He has no respect for my Mum and if he goes on at her enough she will let him take DS out for a walk and I know he will be round his mates with DS.
It also concerns me that she will feed him loads of crap like chocolate and biscuits at her house, even if I tell her not to I reckon she would do it and not tell me.
Would it be unreasonable of me to ask her to look after him at our house, to not drive anywhere with him and to lay down the law with regards to feeding him sweets and rubbish? I am not a complete freak (although reading my post back I think some of you may disagree) I don't mind him having an occasional treat, I just remember spending most of my childhood in dentist chairs having fillings and extractions cos my parents gave me sweets all the time and didn't make me brush twice a day.

OP posts:

EldonAve · 30/01/2009 15:41

Go for FT nursery and keep GP as back up childcare

ScottishMummy · 30/01/2009 15:44

your child your gut instinct.if you are unhappy dont do it.you clearly feel uncomfortable about it

as a parent you need to feel happy about your childcare options,not sitting worrying "what if she is smoking,etc"

Ivykaty44 · 30/01/2009 17:16

Why don't you put ds in childcare for four days a week and tell your mum you really need her to babysit one evening every week - so you and dp get some time to yourselves to go and do "something" so don't want to put on her with a whole day aswell. (you cant get decent childcare of an eve )

That way your ds gets granny in the eve for some lovely bath and story time whilst you and dp get some time to actually be yourselves somewhere.

pooka · 30/01/2009 17:25

I think you need to chill about about your brother smoking - you said he does it outside. I really think your ds is more likely to inhale unpleasant and harmful chemicals on the buggy walks around your local area.

Maybe say to your mother that you'd prefer it if your db didn't carry or hold your ds immediately after a fag.

expatinscotland · 30/01/2009 17:45

Look, your brother lives there. He smokes outside.

I really think for everyone's sake just tell her the nursery won't let you pay for just three days, they want payment for the whole working week (some places do this) and use her as backup in case he's ill.

BonsoirAnna · 30/01/2009 17:48

I think it is absolutely fine for you to discuss your concerns with your mother and to try to negotiate amicably for her to care for your DS at your house on your terms - which are all perfectly reasonable (I would feel the way you do). It is not OK to "lay down the law". The difference is your communication skills: are they up to it?

Fairynufff · 30/01/2009 17:49

My parents feed my kids crap all the time (even though they are super healthy with their own diets). My dad is 74 and thinks he's Sterling Moss in his car so I still worry when he occasionally picks up the kids from school. My brother doesn't smoke but he will go out of his way to encourage my 8 year old to play violent/shooting xbox games just because he knows it winds me up. Ultimately I 'play' at being annoyed (so they know my views) but I never really put my foot down because my children love and benefit from all those different relationships. If you put barriers in, it makes it difficult for others to bond and create their own unique relationship with your child. Sometimes my parents use the 'treats' to create a naughty open-secret where mum is the common enemy. It is a good way for the different generations to bond and my kids very quickly go back to their normal routine when granny and grandad have gone home. But they always love them and look forward to seeing them (and vice versa). Remember the old proverb "It takes a village to raise a child".

Tiramissu · 30/01/2009 18:19

I agrre with others. If you dont pay then you cant be over the top with demands.

I am in similar situation with Mil. She offered to look after my DDs for free . I am very grateful but some things concern me. We ve got very different ideas about child care.

But she still helps occasionally and as fairynuff said the benefit of this relationship is huge.

Also my friend said to me 'dont forget she brought up your DH so she cant do very bad job'. Which is true. He s got his own teeth and a body to die for so my MIL's sweets didin't harm him too much

Tiramissu · 30/01/2009 18:27

So did your mother kept you in when she look after you? She never took you out?

I bet she did and you are still here!

happybeingme · 30/01/2009 18:32

I can see why other posters think YABU because your mum is doing you a favour for free but I would be worried to especially about your brother.

I would defintley either use a nursery or childminder and make an excuse. Your mum can see your DS at other times.

My inlaws mind my DC V. occassionally and I make my DH 'law down the law' because some of their ideas are just stupid.

Leeza2 · 30/01/2009 19:38

I dont think teh OP is being unreasonable. i woudl worry too about many of these things. i just think it will be impossible to get your her MUm to agree to what she wants and it woudl be better to keep her for babysitting or when your child is off nursery. you will be amazed at how oftne they can't go and you will end up using all your precious annual leave and rowing with your partner about who is going to take a day off

Bubbaluv · 30/01/2009 19:54

I think the only thing you can do is ask her how she would feel about your requests.
She may say - fine - of course - whatever you want and then all of this worry wil be for nothing.

moomaa · 30/01/2009 20:00

I think YABU about the car and wanting her to go to your house, she will be bored there. I think YANBU about your brother and the food thing but these are not big things in the grand scheme of life and the benefits outweigh the cons.

Have a good think about how you can make it work. I did something similiar with my mum for a while. I bought mum all the stuff she needed from nappies to car seat to stairgates and it all lived at her house, which made it less stressful. There was too much biscuit eating and too much TV but my DS loves his Nan dearly, so worth it.

rookiemater · 30/01/2009 20:12

Ok I think you are being a bit precious about the driving, the food can be covered by leaving out appropriate meals for your DS and if she chooses to augment that with a bit of rubbish well its not the end of the world. Your brother smoking, not great, but hopefully he wouldn't be around all the time.

However like others have said, I think you need to go with your gut feeling. If you can afford nursery 4 days a week for you this seems to be a much less stressful option than having your mother looking after him and I think it might be hard for everyone if your mum got used to looking after him for a couple of months, then you tried to change the arrangement.

It also means that when you fancy the odd evening/night out then your mother might jump at the chance in a way she won't if looking after him 1 day a week. Maybe sell that she has her own life to lead, my mum is meant to look after DS on alternate Fridays because the CM doesn't do them, but in reality sometimes she or Dad isn't well or they are on holiday so I have to make alternative arrangements

scotagm · 30/01/2009 22:02

Wigglesworth, you suggest that your brother has no respect for your mum, but neither do you! I work 4 days a week. DS goes to nursery for 3 days and one day a week with GP, at their house. This saves us money and I truly appreciate their effort. I love the fact that ds has this relationship with gp's. A bit of extra chocolate or treats is a small price to pay for free childcare. They also play with him and give him one-to-one attention far more than I do!

To lay down such conditions such as, do not drive anywhere, is truly unreasonable. Your mum will know your child is precious and will look after them.

Grow up.

LaDiDaDi · 30/01/2009 22:13

I think that YABU and this comes from someone whose parents and PIL care for dd (2.7) when I work and have done since dd was 8 months old.

I give them cash for expenses, eg petrol and outings that they wouldn't do without dd iyswim. I'm happy for them to care for them as they see fit up to a point.
MIL is lovely and dd adores her but she does give her more sweets than I would like however she spends one day/week with her so I don't think it will harm her and I just try to gently reinforce that I don't like her having too many sweets, eg when at PIL with dd only allowing her 3 smarties/jellytots at a time rather than 5 as MIL would.
My mum is a bit more controlling a parent, that's certainly how I remember her, so I try to emphasise that I'm willing to negotiate with dd up to a point.

I find it's great actually, any major issues, eg toilet training we have worked on together by agreeing an approach. If we find something that works then we share it. Dd enjoys the different evironments and activities that we all do with her.

You have to relax and let go. Either you trust your mum to look after your lo or you don't.

lemonstartree · 30/01/2009 22:14

this is aibu ? yes....?

sorry, in my opinion you are completely unreasonable, patronising and quite insulting...

FFS shes his grandmother, she loves him .. in the end thats the most important thing.. shes also saving you £50 a day every week - so be bloody grateful and celebrate the fact your child has other family members who love him...

chill out.... hes a PERSON and will develop his own nasty habits soon enough!

kitkatqueen · 30/01/2009 22:30

Are u really worried about your mum looking after lo or is it the fact that he will be out of your sight when you are at work?

Ultimately even at nursery you are not going to know exactly what he is doing at any given minute. Even taking into consideration that nurseries have written rules on conduct and care for the children they look after every member of staff will treat the children slightly differently.

My dd2 came home from playgroup the other day smelling smokey because she had been sitting on her key workers lap and her keyworker had had a fag at lunch time. I was not pleased but don't feel its an issue I can complain about to the manager because quite frankly what the keyworker does in her lunch break is not my business ( unless she's getting pissed! lol!).

All of your worries in the op are why I run my business from home and am a sahm. I couldn't go back...

Good luck with your decision!!

happybeingme · 31/01/2009 00:33

I would not compromise on issues that were important to me for free childcare.

I agree it is good for DC to have a relationship with GPs up to a point and it is lovley that as many people as possible love them. However if you are not happy with the way they will do things it is better to find paid care.

I do accept that for some families there is no other option for financial reasons.

I honestly don't think using GPs for childcare is the best solution for most people. My friend has used GPs for childcare for 6 years for all her LOs and I do sense that she really lets most issues go because it is free - not ideal.

twentypence · 31/01/2009 00:51

You may chill about some of these things when your ds is older - until then pay for childcare.

skramble · 31/01/2009 01:43

Wise words Fairynufff, variety is the spice of life and sorry but OP you do sound a bit precious.

Smoking thing is silly if brother smokes outside.

Sweets and treats, one day a week is fine and you can brush his teeth when you get home.

Brother taking DS out well that could be a ground rule to set with Mum but if he is likely to bully her into taking your DS out then this would be something that would make me think twice.

The not driving thing, well if you really don't trust your mums driving this would be something to discuss with her, but if she thinks her driving is fine and wants to go and get her shopping with baby in tow then how are you going to tell her no you don't think she is up to it, tricky discussion I think.

You really have to think about all this before spoling the relatonship with your mum. I agree that asking her to help with occasional babysitting or emergency care might be better for all parties involved.

mumeeee · 31/01/2009 21:32

YAB a bit unreasonable. Fair enough to tell her your routne anfd what you feed him. But it is unfair on your Mum to tell her she can't take him out in the car and can't go take him to her house.

tryingtobemarypoppins · 31/01/2009 21:50

Why don't you work 3 days out of the house (baby goes to nursery) then work 4th day from home with your mum helping out am while you get on with things then make the time up in the evening?

I think you have to except she is helping you out, but the smoke thing isn't exceptable and she must know that, as for driving, give her your car for the day after treating her to advanced driving lessons her her birthday!

Original poster

Wigglesworth · 02/02/2009 09:54

I can see by what most people have said that most of you think I am a bit insane. Both myself and DH feel this way and we are now seriously considering having DS in nursery FT. We have both seen first hand the damage that grandparents interfering in lives has on a family.
It happened to DH with his grandfather bossing his mum about and dictating which school he went to and that he must go to university which had a massive impact on his mum and dad's relationship. I have seen it in my family where my dads parents spoiled my brother rotten to the point where he had no respect for anyone or anything and is still the same today (he is now 34 and has no sense of responsibility and is very manipulative) because my parents let him do whatever he likes and bail him out of any shit he gets himself into.
Looking at it I think our issues lie much deeper than just telling them not to give him sweets etc. I am not saying I don't want them to have a relationship with him, far from it. I just get very concerned about interference which I think my parents would be very capable of if I gave them the chance.

OP posts:

kitkatqueen · 02/02/2009 20:30

Good for you for getting your head round it!

Your kids your rules. As someone else said, make an excuse to your mum so as not to hurt her feelings, the last thing you want is to damage your relationship, and as someone else said at least you can still have her as back up, I bet she will love "saving the day" occasionally.

I can understand your concerns about interference from gps, we have had issues too. Our children aged 3 and 4 do have visits to the gps without us and have sleepovers in the holidays, they are really good with the kids and stick with our rules on most things. But it hasn't always been that way - don't forget the old saying "give me the child up to the age of 5 and I will give u the man".

Good Luck.

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