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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt by my dad and should i tell him?

50 replies

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 09:25

First facts;
I have been with my dp 7 years and we have a dd 18 months. dp is still legally married to his ex.
My dad divorced my mom 13 years ago. He has lived with several woman since in the old family home. He married a lady whom he knew 1 year and she left him 1 year later but they are still legally married. He now lives with a woman he met 2 years ago who had no house of her own and moved in with dad.

Yesterday dad visited me alone and started talking about when he dies and what would happen to his house/money. He doesn't want his legal wife to get anything as she left him after a year and he gave her back all the money she had put into the house,ie monthly bills etc car money so she left better off than she came and with a new car. He said he doesn't want his girlfriend to be kicked out of the house on his death, he wants her to live there till she dies (he has known her 2 years).
His plan is to find his ex and get a divorce based on the fact the marriage was a farce.
He wants to leave his house in trust for my dd but on the basis that his girlfriend could live there till she dies. They are both early 60s.
My problem is dd is a baby so if this happened sooner rather than later, she could have this house in trust for many years. What if his girlfriend got into trouble paying bills etc would the debt be in my dds name, or my name as her guardian? What if the house needed major work, who would have to pay?
Also, dad seemed happy to leave his house to his wife he knew 1 year, now he is happy for his girlfriend of 2 years to live there forever, but he will not leave me the house as he is worried dps family (ie.wife)or my mom could get there hands on it.
dad said if he died and left me the house, then i died, dp could get it, then if he died his ex could get it. isn't that taking it too far to worry about all the ifs. and surely if i died dd would get it as my next of kin anyway.
so because i am living with a man still married i get nothing. but because my dads girlfriend is living with a married man she gets a house for life. great.
i feel like e-mailing dad and telling him he has upset me and why.
i also feel like telling him to just leave the house to his girlfriend wh has 4 sons and let them enjoy it, it aint worth it.

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mrsjammi · 30/01/2009 09:41

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Original poster

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 09:46

wouldn't my dd get my assets if i died?
if dad lives till he is 90 then its a great idea. even if he left me the house i wouldn't kick his girlfriend out, but she would have to pay the bills.

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Original poster

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 09:46

going out now, will check back later./

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mrsjammi · 30/01/2009 09:51

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HecateQueenOfGhosts · 30/01/2009 09:53

It seems a bit ott, but at the end of the day, it's his house and he must make whatever arrangements suit him. You have no right to his assets, as you know. He could leave them to whoever, or sell everything and go on a world cruise

So I think, go along with whatever he wants to do with his assets.

troutpout · 30/01/2009 10:01

sorry ...i think it's up to him

ladyjuliafish · 30/01/2009 10:14

If you inherit the house, then die without a will then your dd would inherit your estate plus an enormous tax bill. The gf may have to be turned out onto the street so your dd can sell the house to pay the tax. If you left your estate to your dp then if he died then his wife would inherit the first £125000 of his estate before your dd got anything. If your dp dies then his ex will be able to organise the funeral etc. if she wants to. Independently of what your dad wants, you and your dp need to sort out your own wills. As a cohabiting couple the law will treat your dp as married to his ex, you won't get a look in and your dd will only get whats left after the ex has got her legal entitlement which is the first £125000, all personal goods, 50% of the remainder of the estate, the remaining 50% will be held in trust for your dd and any other children and the ex will get the interest from the trust.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 30/01/2009 10:33

Agree with Lady Julia. If your Dad thinks your finances are organised, it may set his maind at rest in other ways - which could ultimately be to your benefit.

Original poster

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 14:23

thanks everyone, tbh because my dad is still married to his ex i think she would get everything anyway, even though he already paid her off as such.
i would love to get our finances sorted but dp ignores me when i bring up his divorce?
i'm happy he wants my dd to get his house although it's unusual to miss a generation but i have a house so it is kind of him to give it to dd.
It hurt my feelings though that he seems more concerned about his girlfriend, who had no house 2 years ago when she met him, than about me or dd really. He has lived with 5 woman in the last 13 years so i am sceptical, especially when most of them have no money or house.

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/01/2009 14:33

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Original poster

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 14:47

i agree, i have told dp so many times, he agrees and carrys on as though we never spoke. i don't know what else to do?
it is easier for him to do nothing and then he doesn't feel bad as his ex has a home. she earns very little, not enough to rent or buy anything.

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/01/2009 14:57

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/01/2009 14:58

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Katiestar · 30/01/2009 15:42

I can sort of see where your DP is coming from
Won't his ex be entitled to half of the marital home?If she can't afford to buy him out,they would surely have to sell it to split the proceeds.It is not in anyones interest to sell property right now

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/01/2009 16:13

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Original poster

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 16:38

they don't have kids together, when he left there was only a couple of years left on the mortgage so he paid it off.
she would prob be entitled to half.
she can't afford to buy him out.
her half wouldn't buy her a house.
not really dps problem but he doesn't want to put her in a bad situation when he left her and feels guilty anyway.

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MadMarg · 30/01/2009 16:41

They're married. It is irrelevent who paid the mortgage or whether they have children. She would still be entitled to a huge chunk, if not half, of everything accumulated during the marriage, and quite likely a large chunk of what he had before hand if they had been married for a number of years.

You need to protect yourself, and your DD - and pretty damn sharpish.

Go and see a solicitor about getting your will sorted out (and his too preferably), and getting a co-habitation agreement on any assets which you jointly own. Because he is separated from his wife, assets he accumulates after the separation are very unlikely to be awarded to her in a divorce, but if he dies without a will they sure could be. And some of YOUR assets could go to him because he is cohabiting with you.

You say he won't do anything about it. Well then, you do something about it. If he doesn't like what you do, then maybe he will get his act together and settle the issues.

Bubbaluv · 30/01/2009 17:01

Why don't you just ask him to make it all provisional on his girlfriend being responsible for all maintainance etc for as long as she lives there and ensuring that she is not able to use it as an asset to borrow against. That way, you're not out of pocket and the gf can't lumber you or your daughter with debt.
Your Dad's concerns re you DP's marriage sound totally legit and v sensible I'm afraid.

traceybath · 30/01/2009 17:12

Of course its ultimately up to your dad. My mother has left her estate split in the following way - 50% me, 25% my sister and 25% my niece.

The reason its divided like that is because is my niece is from my sister's first relationship (she's re-married and has 2 other children) but my mum doesn't trust her DH to do the right thing by his step-daughter. It has caused a lot of ill feeling from my sister but its up to my mum - its her money after all.

My mum has also asked me to let her boyfriend live in the house for a year if she died first to sort himself out. I would totally honour this request but feel she should perhaps include it in her will.

Hope you feel a bit better and get your partner to sort out his divorce.

Lulumama · 30/01/2009 17:16

i think your Dad is right to feel insecure about things, when your DP is still married depsite splitting from his wife 7 years ago

you need to put your own house in order before making demands of other people and what they do with their money, i'm afraid

you all need legal advice and quick

his wife is still his next of kin surely? so in the event of his death, you don;t get anything?

i would be seeing a solicitor and finding out teh implications of him still being married

desertgirl · 30/01/2009 17:18

unless things have changed a lot in the, umm, mumble, quite a few, years since I was at law school, assuming the trust thing is done properly, the gf can't lumber you or your daughter with debt, and you wouldn't have to pay for anything on the maintenance front (though I don't believe you could make her have maintenance done). Although your DD would have a technical interest in the house during the gf's life, for all practical purposes, the gf would inherit and your DD would be 'inheriting' from her in turn.

However, I'm not that sort of lawyer - you really should go and see one about your own will etc, you could perhaps check the proposed arrangement out at the same time.

Original poster

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 18:38

thanks desertgirl, it's all useful to know. as long as dd or i don't end up with any debts thats fine.
Lulu - i'm not making demands on anyone, i don't expect anything off anyone and hope they spend their money and enjoy life.
i have got a house and don't need another, if dd gets one or some money from one at some point then i will be very pleased for her, she is my daughter, i want the best for her.
the only thing i don't like is how in my dads case gf he hardly knows are more important that family. dad is married t someone else too so he shouldn't judge my situation.
i have told dp in every way i can that he should divorce, the subject gets discussed, i talk, he sits in silence, at the end he says he knows i'm right, 7 years on and nothing. i can't make him.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 18:39

where can i get info on divorce from that i can give him?

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/01/2009 18:42

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Original poster

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 19:00

i have just been on the website and looked up how to get a divorce and printed off the sheets to give him later when dd is asleep.
looks like it should be agreed even if she says no as he has been gone longer than 5 years.
he normally says he doesn't want to give her the house as he paid for it but he doesn't mind her living in it.
i wonder if they could make an arrangement that she can live there for free but if she remarries or moves its then his?
he will probably just ignore me anyway.

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