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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt by my dad and should i tell him?

50 replies

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 09:25

First facts;
I have been with my dp 7 years and we have a dd 18 months. dp is still legally married to his ex.
My dad divorced my mom 13 years ago. He has lived with several woman since in the old family home. He married a lady whom he knew 1 year and she left him 1 year later but they are still legally married. He now lives with a woman he met 2 years ago who had no house of her own and moved in with dad.

Yesterday dad visited me alone and started talking about when he dies and what would happen to his house/money. He doesn't want his legal wife to get anything as she left him after a year and he gave her back all the money she had put into the house,ie monthly bills etc car money so she left better off than she came and with a new car. He said he doesn't want his girlfriend to be kicked out of the house on his death, he wants her to live there till she dies (he has known her 2 years).
His plan is to find his ex and get a divorce based on the fact the marriage was a farce.
He wants to leave his house in trust for my dd but on the basis that his girlfriend could live there till she dies. They are both early 60s.
My problem is dd is a baby so if this happened sooner rather than later, she could have this house in trust for many years. What if his girlfriend got into trouble paying bills etc would the debt be in my dds name, or my name as her guardian? What if the house needed major work, who would have to pay?
Also, dad seemed happy to leave his house to his wife he knew 1 year, now he is happy for his girlfriend of 2 years to live there forever, but he will not leave me the house as he is worried dps family (ie.wife)or my mom could get there hands on it.
dad said if he died and left me the house, then i died, dp could get it, then if he died his ex could get it. isn't that taking it too far to worry about all the ifs. and surely if i died dd would get it as my next of kin anyway.
so because i am living with a man still married i get nothing. but because my dads girlfriend is living with a married man she gets a house for life. great.
i feel like e-mailing dad and telling him he has upset me and why.
i also feel like telling him to just leave the house to his girlfriend wh has 4 sons and let them enjoy it, it aint worth it.

OP posts:

immortalbeloved · 30/01/2009 19:30

Don't let him ignore you

Tell him in mo uncertain terms that this is non negotiable. Tell him that he owes it you and your daughter, even if only for practical reasons (but also because how is your dd going to feel when she's older and finds out?)

If he still refuses I agree with an earlier poster that you might have to re-evaluate your relationship.After all it's not much to ask after 7 years and a child together!

Good luck with your chat

Lulumama · 30/01/2009 20:11

without wishing to sound rude, i wonder why you are with a man, had a child with him, when he is not divorced adn you are having to find out about divorce, and he won;t discuss it with you?

i would find it a little concerning

even if you don;t want to marry him, there are all sorts of legal ramifications and emotional ones to him being married

i think you can do it on 5 years seperation

Lulumama · 30/01/2009 20:12

he does not want to give her the house but she is living in it and is still married to her

i think the house arguemnt is a red herring

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/01/2009 20:16

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/01/2009 20:18

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Original poster

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 20:45

don't bother with the insults thanks, it's not helping.
how do i make him?
he feels he did something very morally wrong to leave her, they were very good friends for many years and she wanted him to stay, she didn't mind if he had other relationships or whatever she just wanted him to stay and he didn't so feels (as she tells him) he wrecked her life. letting her keep her roof over her head where she has lived over 20 years makes him feel better.
i agree that me and dd don't seem to be his priority.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 30/01/2009 20:47

i think that maybe seeing a solicitor together would be good

and you can assure him that he can let her have the house, odd as that is, as long as he gets divorced !!

i feel that it is an unusual situation, but if it was working for you, you would not be posting, he does need to make the final step in legally becoming single

there is no reason for him to be married, she can stay in the house if he wants her to

but if you don;t feel as thoguh you and DD are not his priority, then that ultimately is far more damaging in the long run

Lulumama · 30/01/2009 20:48

sounds like she has a lot of control over him emotiomally even after all this time

Original poster

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 20:48

i really want him to give her the house, it is nothing to do with me and i want nothing from it.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 20:49

she does a lot of emotional blackmail. that she may aswell kill herself which she tried once. that he wrecked her life. etc.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 30/01/2009 20:51

ah. i see.

so he is beholden to her

not healthy

at some point, he has to make a break

he is not responsible for her in that way

am off to bed now, but i hope you all find a way through this

divorcing her won;t change that much really, day to day, in her life.

Leo9 · 30/01/2009 21:02

It is your own situation that wants sorting; your dad's house is his business entirely and if this were me I would forget it completely.

Agree that your DP is putting his ex partner as the priority above you and DD. You CAN make someone divorce actually, IMO, if you explain that you simply will no longer tolerate being treated that way.

It's a case of having limits, boundaries; and telling him where they are.

Don't accept less for you and your DD. Surely you are worth more than he is giving currently!

independiente · 30/01/2009 21:02

Based on your last post, I can see why your partner might feel bad about turning his (ex-ish)wife out of the place she has lived for so long.
But if the mortgage is paid, he could still allow her to live there (perhaps for a very nominal rent) after the divorce comes through. That way, she gets to stay put, he doesn't feel like he is turning her out of her home, and most importantly, your's and your daughter's financial future is legally secured (particularly if you and your DP then marry).
Can this not be achieved?

Original poster

ilovetochat · 30/01/2009 21:31

i hope it can be achieved. that could be the compromise, she would get half the house anyway so could just pay a small rent and live there, it isn't a good time to sell anyway.
i will not be speaking to my dad about his will again, it is his business and if he mentions it againi will just ask that he does it properly to ensure that neither dd or i can be landed with debts or problems.
dps ex said that she didn't want a divorce and it would make things worse for her and i think that plays on his mind. she tells him she has no-one else to turn to.
she phoned him once in the night to say she was in pain and needed help, he told her to ring 999 but she put the phone down saying he wouldn't help her, she wanted him to go round. obvoiusly he didn't go round but couldn't help worrying and ended up ringing the next day.
she also phoned him when she crashed the car to say she was stuck in the car, again he had to tell her to ring 999 but she begged him to go, making him guilty again.
to him she is vulnerable and he doesn't want to push her over the edge.
to me she is clever and manipulative and knows just how to play him.

OP posts:

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/01/2009 22:21

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/01/2009 22:22

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BarnMummy · 30/01/2009 22:55

ilovetochat - the way your dp's ex is behaving sounds very like the "toxic" behaviour that was discussed in a VERY long (1000+ posts) thread started by Thishasupsetme aka THUM.

I can't remember the name of the book alot of people recommended, but it basically talks about the way certain people manipulate their loved ones in a horrible and bizarrely predictable way, particularly threatening that if they try to break away, there will be dire consequences. In the case of the thread THUM started, it was her MIL who was behaving like this, and the behaviour seemed totally normal to her dh, who was completely accustomed to it: for example, she would say "if you put your wife and child first, you are being disloyal to me and I will get ill".

I will try and find more info because your dp needs to see that he CAN break away from his ex, and put you and your dd first.

BarnMummy · 30/01/2009 23:01

The book I was thinking of is called "toxic parents" by Susan Forward, but it seems that she also has written a book called Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You - here is a link

Hope you get it sorted out

TheFallenMadonna · 30/01/2009 23:03

Do you think your dad might be worried about your situation and is using this issue to highlight his concerns?

mrsjammi · 31/01/2009 10:01

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Original poster

ilovetochat · 31/01/2009 13:53

reality it's ok i know you weren't trying to upset me, just trying to make me see how bad it is.
the book sounds interseting thanks.
dp's ex is 51, never wanted kids and i assume is too old now so don't think that will be a problem.
i had a long chat with dp last night which he didn'e want to have as he was tired but i insisted.
i told him how upset i was and how i feel 2nd best and how it could hurt dd in the future. i told him to give her the house as although he owns half at present he doesn't benefit from it in anyway so giving it her wouldn't be any different from now. he said he isn't financially motivated but it bothers him that she could meet someone else and he could then live in a house dp paid for. i told him thats tough luck and at least she would be off his back then. he said he hoped she would meet someone else and then they could sell the house and have half each(so obviously he did want the money really). infact an old friend asked dp if he could go out with dps ex and dp said yes fine by me and gave his friend her number (she said no)
i told him that i don't want to be with him if he is going to stay married to her, he said i knew he was still married when he moved in with me (6 1/2 years ago) and when we had dd, i told him he is right and i was a fool but he always said he would divorce so told him that he should unless he has been lying.
he has agreed to read all the divorce info i got on the gov website and he said that because it had been over 5 years and if they agree on the settlement than maybe it wouldnt cause too much upset and they wouldn't have to go to court.
he knows i am serious as i said i would leave otherwise. he knows he has to think of dd. and he knows he is hurting me unnecessarily.

OP posts:

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 31/01/2009 14:02

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immortalbeloved · 31/01/2009 14:06

Well done ilovetochat, that sounds really positive

I know it sounds like we're all being really harsh but sometimes when you're in the middle of a situation you can't see how bad it really is

I think the 'well you knew when you moved in' etc is a bit of a red herring as you've obviously sussed as that was after all six years ago!

I think he probably does love you and dd to bits but it's just 'easier' for him to do nothing, well done for making him see that it won't be easier if he loses you and you dd over it

I know it won't be easy but don't back down, it'll be so much better for you all in the long run

And (baring in mind I have no idea about the law) would it be possible that if they divorced she continued to live in the house and had a 50% share but he had a continued interest so that in the event of her remarrying etc the house was sold and he got his half?

Original poster

ilovetochat · 31/01/2009 14:10

tbh id rather he just give her the house and forget it. i think he wants to consider letting her live there till she dies or remarries, then wants his half, but i think it will be too complicated and he may just give it her.
he admitted divorcing her won't change his life or probably hers but will improve mine and dds.

OP posts:

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 12/03/2009 12:31

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