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Original poster

DP and proposal

51 replies

KAEKAE · 29/01/2009 12:26

I have been with my DP for around 10 years, I am 30, he is 38 - two and half years ago he proposed, he took me to California, proposed to me on Santa Monica beach on valentines day and then after the two weeks was over there, we flew to New York. Anyway, I was on cloud nine. During previous conversations he had told me he never went to Calfornia with his ex.

However, we've just sold our house and bought another, its being renovated and we are currently staying at his mothers, (sorry about the waffle here) whilst this has been going on I have come across a box and it in was loads of photos of all the holidays he went on with his ex. And Guess what there they are in California!!!!!!!!! He says he had an awful time there and it was nothing like our trip...but then perhaps he would say this to ease the blow?

He claims he didn't go to Santa Monica beach with her. I am gutted, he thinks I need to grow up as the photos are at least 15 years old. (He is 9 years older than me I know he will have had a past) However, I still feel upset,only because he proposed to me there, not that he went there with her. Do you think I am overreacting?

OP posts:
piratecat · 29/01/2009 12:29

i would be pretty pissed off becuase of this more than anything

'During previous conversations he had told me he never went to Calfornia with his ex.'

RumourOfAHurricane · 29/01/2009 12:30

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pooka · 29/01/2009 12:32

I think that you are being a bit unreasonable, if you have had a go at him about this.

Perhaps he went there and thought to himself "this would be a perfect place to propose, but I don't want to propose to x". And then when he did meet the woman he wanted to marry (i.e. you) he remembered the perfect place.

I think being gutted and upset about it is an overreaction.

pooka · 29/01/2009 12:34

I think seeking prolonged explanations and discussion about it is going to make him see this as even more of an overreaction.

Personally, I would say: "Can you see that I am hurt because x, y and z" and if he says "yes", then that's it and there needs to be no more going over it.

warthog · 29/01/2009 12:36

i'd be peeved too.

mainly because he lied. if he accepts he shouldn't have lied and apologies then move on.

tigerpawprint · 29/01/2009 12:39

YANBU to be upset as the location and ambience of a proposal is a very special thing to lots of people (a fact your DP recognises otherwise why didn't he propose over the washing up, or in the airport, rather than on a beach in CA on Valentine's Day).

I don't think he would have consciously set out to fool you per se. I imagine that he wanted to guarantee somewhere nice to do the deed and rather than risk somewhere new (and potentially rank/dodgy) he knew that CA would provide the perfect backdrop. I honestly doubt who he was there with originally was in his thoughts at all.

For example I have watched films with new partners that I saw with old partners originally (ie on first date at the cinema, in bed together watching it on DVD etc) and I don't sit there thinking about the time I saw it with the old partner, if it's a really good film I just want the new partner to enjoy it as much as I did!!

He is telling you to grow up etc as a defensive reaction, as he feels guilty and also probably kicking himself for being found out over a bundle of old pics, also because he knows the previous trip meant nothing but the chances of convincing you of that are minimum. He would do better to acknowledge your upset but most people won't react like that.

I think you need him to acknowledge that you feel mislead even though he didn't mean for that to happen. If you can talk to him to explain that, you will be able to put it behind you a lot faster. The good thing is that you are engaged and (presumably) happy with your DP apart from this so try not to let it spoil things because it's not the bigger picture.

OneLieIn · 29/01/2009 12:42

yes I do think you are overreacting. He proposed to you and married you not his ex.

I don't understand why he told you he had never been to California with the ex though.

OneLieIn · 29/01/2009 12:43

Oh FfS, must learn how to bold, not strike through.

Repeat,

Yes, I do think you are over-reacting. He proposed to you and married you not his ex.

Sorry....

tigerpawprint · 29/01/2009 12:44

FWIW my lovely DH who is not an over sensitive type, would rather not visit Paris with me as he knows I went there with a previous special someone.

He is really not the jealous or insecure type, it's more a matter of respecting my past as it were/honour/not "stomping over" old memories. He just feels that certain elements of romance should not cross over (however, I wanna go Paris so he'll have put that one to bed in the near future )

QS · 29/01/2009 12:46

So, can you never visit a place where you or him has been with an ex?

Original poster
KAEKAE · 29/01/2009 12:48

thanks all so much for your responses, tigerpawprint....whilst discussing with dp about it, he says that he never even thought of her or that they had gone there, so you have it spot on there. He says he got it wrong and feels upset about that when he tried so hard to make it perfect. He now wants to propose to me again? I think that is going to far though! I still feel sad but hopfully in time I will get over it.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/01/2009 12:48

I wouldn't be upset that he'd been there with her - my DH was married before and we went 2 places that he'd been with her as part of our honeymoon, different hotels though!!!

What I would be annoyed about is the lying. It's fine to accept that people have a past but I expect my DH to be truthful about everything that has happened in his past. His exW was part of his family for a while so they know plenty about their relationsip. Especially now that we have DS (no DCs from previous) I'd be bloody furious if I found out that he had lied to me about anything - big or small - because I would question why he had lied, could I trust him now about other things etc etc.

So no YANBU and your DP needs to take on board why you are upset and come clean about anything else that he's not been entirely truthful about. Then you can draw a line under it all and look forward to your future together.

Original poster
KAEKAE · 29/01/2009 12:50

QS....I don't really like going places he visited with his ex and I think that's why he had said he hadn't been there with her...esp as we have a 1.5 year old and this year we went again and took him to Disneyland...he reckons he would never have got me there had I have known.

OP posts:
OneLieIn · 29/01/2009 12:53

KaeKae, are you jealous of your DH's ex? Why have such strong feelings about that relationship?

mrsjammi · 29/01/2009 13:08

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mrsjammi · 29/01/2009 13:10

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tigerpawprint · 29/01/2009 13:10

It's good that he recognises your point KK, if he has taken it on board I would try to let it go.

OLI, I don't think you have to be jealous as such to prefer not to go to places that a partner has visited with ex? Some people would rather see somewhere for the first time together with their DP, there are 100's of locations in the world after all so unless your DP is very well travelled romantically, it shouldn't be too hard to pick somewhere different that is brand new to you both?

beanieb · 29/01/2009 13:16

I'd be pissed off that he lied about never going there with the ex, but then it depends on why that conversation came up. Did you ask him if he had been there with her?

If he just told you out of the blue then that's out and out lying but maybe he has a reason to not tell the truth, if you pestered him with questions about it then perhaps he said he hadn't to keep you quiet?

Do you have issues about his past and his past girlfriend in general?

Original poster
KAEKAE · 29/01/2009 13:18

tigerpawprint...thank you, this is how I feel, there are so many other places, so I was so taken aback that he would choose to propose to me in a country he'd been to with an ex. mrsjammi, I know I wish I didn't feel like this either, but there are reasons why I feel like this. TBH it really isn't the place, it's the fact my proposal was there. If she was to find out surely she would think...he went there me first? Goodness I sound childish.

OP posts:
Original poster
KAEKAE · 29/01/2009 13:20

beanieb...yes that's what happened. Years ago I asked him where they'd been, he didn't mention California or Florida. Whilst we were there I asked him again and he said no they hadn't been together.

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 29/01/2009 13:22

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blueshoes · 29/01/2009 13:22

Why is his ex so significant? Was she his first wife? My dh must have had at least a handful of ex-es but never once would it occur to me to ask or even care whether he ever took one or more of them to holiday locations or restaurants or places he has been with me?

When your dp said he never went to California with his ex, was it in the context of the proposal or just random in conversation? Why would it ever just 'come up in conversation' where your dp did or did not go to with his ex, and California in particular?

mrsjammi · 29/01/2009 13:23

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QS · 29/01/2009 13:25

Why do you think about your relationship with him in terms of his relationship with his ex? Why do you compare? Do you think he does? Chances are he doesnt.

Are you very insecure in your relationship?
It seems to me, you havent gotten over his ex, but maybe he has?

Hassled · 29/01/2009 13:26

I would have no problem with the proposal being in the same place as somewhere he went to with the ex - to me it just reinforces that he likes the place a lot and wanted to propose in a special place. Is quite sweet. It was you he was proposing to - the place is pretty irrelevant.

I would however have a problem with the lying about it. But people have very different views re white lying like that - to me it's a big deal, but I know to DH it wouldn't be. Some people just lie quite easily to avoid conflict - to them it's not an issue. Doesn't make them bad people.

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