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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP and proposal

51 replies

KAEKAE · 29/01/2009 12:26

I have been with my DP for around 10 years, I am 30, he is 38 - two and half years ago he proposed, he took me to California, proposed to me on Santa Monica beach on valentines day and then after the two weeks was over there, we flew to New York. Anyway, I was on cloud nine. During previous conversations he had told me he never went to Calfornia with his ex.

However, we've just sold our house and bought another, its being renovated and we are currently staying at his mothers, (sorry about the waffle here) whilst this has been going on I have come across a box and it in was loads of photos of all the holidays he went on with his ex. And Guess what there they are in California!!!!!!!!! He says he had an awful time there and it was nothing like our trip...but then perhaps he would say this to ease the blow?

He claims he didn't go to Santa Monica beach with her. I am gutted, he thinks I need to grow up as the photos are at least 15 years old. (He is 9 years older than me I know he will have had a past) However, I still feel upset,only because he proposed to me there, not that he went there with her. Do you think I am overreacting?

OP posts:

Original poster

KAEKAE · 29/01/2009 13:26

I do have issues with his past GF....I was 19 when I met DP, I was living alone and he gradually moved in with me, we didn't go away really together, plus was always calling up etc. Then we bought a house together, and we would only do weekend breaks together such as paris, amsterdam etc. Then our son came along and then we bought a bigger house. I never got to go anywhere near the places they went.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 29/01/2009 13:28

kaekae, cross-posted. I see you have answered my question.

So you grilled him about where he has been with his ex. I don't think it is a stretch to assume that your dp has picked up on your insecurities re: his ex. It would not just be this one incident. And he lied. I can't say it is right, but I can understand why he would do it.

For an easy life. It is what some men do. I honestly don't think he gives a monkeys about her or has an appetite to discuss the ins-and-outs of why or what over something so far in the past.

You need to put his ex behind you, for both your sakes. FWIW, I don't even think it is an issue that he proposed to you in the same state of a country that he has been to with his ex in the past.

Original poster

KAEKAE · 29/01/2009 13:29

hasled, thank you, I do need to see the bigger picture, DP has ben to California 15 times, so he loves it. And he does hate conflict! Perhaps like another poster said, I should get help re. my feelings about his ex.

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QS · 29/01/2009 13:29

you are jealous of foreign travels with his ex, while YOU have the engagement, the house and the child?

What do you rate more?

Some things you do for fun. Some things you do because this is how you want your life to be.

Please dont mar any travels you now may embark on with him, by this jealousy that he has already been there with her. I doubt it even crosses his mind, unless you make an issue out of it.

Squiffy · 29/01/2009 13:29

Sorry, Kaekae, but the more you post the more serious your issues seem to be. Do you have any reason to distrust him? If not, then seeing as you have been together long enough to have a 1.5yr old daughter, I think you should accept that your feeling jealous if not really normal. You are hurt - I can see that, but TBH he hasn't done anything wrong. No doubt he tells white lies because if he doesn't he knows you will get upset? Why on earth would someone ask their DP whether they had been somewhere with their ex previously? It's just not a question that would come up in a normal relationship.

Sorry but YABU and need to start taking deep breaths and trying not to let these things eat you up. It will make your whole relationship suffer and that's the last thing that you all deserve.

He loves you and your child. And you should be glad that he loved previous girlfriends as well, because all of his previous experiences are what shaped him into the man you want to marry.

Original poster

KAEKAE · 29/01/2009 13:30

*been

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Overmydeadbody · 29/01/2009 13:30

I have to agree with mrsjammy and conclude that you are over-reacting.

In the grand scheme of things, I bet he only lied to you because he wanted you to think it was more special and he thought that would help (and it seems he was probably right). The world is built on little white lies we tell each other to save each other's feelings.

blueshoes · 29/01/2009 13:30

Your dp and his ex has had their fancy holidays. You have him and a dc to love. Sounds like you have a good deal.

Overmydeadbody · 29/01/2009 13:31

I agree wth squify's last post too.

QS · 29/01/2009 13:32

You have to get some help and some perspective.

You have been with him 10 years. You went to california with him 7 1/2 years after you started seing eachother.

This is not only unhealthy, it is telling me you need help. Have you tried talk to a doctor or councellor?

When did this start? Has it always been an issue, or just recently?

mrsjammi · 29/01/2009 13:36

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herbietea · 29/01/2009 13:36

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Original poster

KAEKAE · 29/01/2009 13:37

It was a bit of an issue when we first got together, becasue she wouldn't go away. But the proposal thing has brought it all back up again.

OP posts:

tigerpawprint · 29/01/2009 13:40

Flipping heck QS, don't hold back there!

Always amazes me on MN that after a few posts by an OP by Page 2 there's somebody calling for counselling/seeing a doctor.

Labelling someone as having unhealthy behaviour, needing help, having issues, being jealous - it's all based on a few words in a few posts but those who really are vulnerable in some way can be hit very hard by posts, words and labels such as these!

Rack off and stick to the day job (if it's not psychotherapy, and if it is, think about retraining).

mrsjammi · 29/01/2009 13:41

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CatchaStar · 29/01/2009 13:51

Don't see what the issue is tbh. So he went there wit his ex, what's the problem?

He is your dp and it is you who he proposed to in a verly lovely and thoughtful way from what I've read. Seriously, what's the problem? Why are you worrying about what an ex of his thinks? Sod her, she isn't relavant.

Does this mean that you refuse to go to any country or place that him and his ex went, sorry but if so that's beyond silly.

You've been together 10 years, why are you getting yourself so wound up over an ex of his and where they went on holiday?

swingsofglory · 29/01/2009 13:53

Honestly Kaekae, i think you need to stop and take a minute to reassess.

Why is it so important where and how he proposes to you? Why does it matter where he has or hasn't been with his ex (from such a long time ago too)? The quality of your relationship, the fact that he is with you and that he wants to make a lifetime commitment to you are surely far more important than any of the details.

Like others I would be pissed off that he lied, however I agree that he probably did it for an easy life.

FWIW my DP proposed to me in our back room while next door were drilling their new bathroom in. It was not the most romantic moment in the world. Your DP has gone to a massive effort in comparison. I'm actually slightly envious! Hope that you can come to see his efforts in a more positive light soon.

Original poster

KAEKAE · 29/01/2009 13:57

No, they had been apart for three years before I came along! Shock! But they would still see each other and go out for meals together. So she was always around and I guess it made me feel slightly odd. The more I read these posts the more I can see I am an idiot. You're all right, why am I even thinking about it all so deeply?!!!!

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mrsjammi · 29/01/2009 13:59

This reply has been deleted

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beanieb · 29/01/2009 14:09

I don't think you are an idiot, I think anyone who's partner/husband was regularly having meals with an ex (particularly if you were never invited) would feel a bit about it. Everyone has some kind of jealousy, I think the trick is to not let it get out of control.

sweetgrapes · 29/01/2009 14:11

Fwiw, I don't remember all my holidays with dh. I remember the honeymoon but other early trips are kind of rolled into one and a bit hazy on exactly where we went. We've been together 11 years now.

Original poster

KAEKAE · 30/01/2009 08:19

Dear all - thanks so much for all your replies....even the really harsh ones, some of the things said, I think I needed to hear. They have all helped me a hell of a lot. I read and reread your comments. I thought everyone would come on here and say what a total b**tard my DP was!! But I can see the problem is with me and I need to try and draw a line under all this. Thanks all again! xxxxxxx

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LostVagueness · 31/01/2009 13:24

Get over yourself.

He took you to LA and NY for what sounds like a brilliant two week holiday and asked you to marry him.

Sounds like he was right not to tell you he had been there with his ex.

The phrase Bunny Boiler comes to mind!

pooka · 31/01/2009 19:39

Lostvagueness - perhaps if you read kaekae's post immediately above your's you would see that your scathing post is a unnecessarily harsh.

LostVagueness · 31/01/2009 22:39

Whoops. You are right.
Still life goes on eh?

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