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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister shouldn't expect our dad to pay for her parties anymore?

44 replies

laweaselmys · 28/01/2009 15:30

My sister is nearly 25, she lives in London and we don't see her very often. Her DP is relatively wealthy and she is used to mixing with other relatively wealthy people and has always struggled a bit to keep up with their expectations for less money.

However, every year she invites us all down to London for a big birthday dinner and at the end of the meal when the bill arrives makes it clear that my dad is expected to pay! Given that their are usually at least 6 if not 8 people having dinner, the bill is always £150+, and she never tells him in advance that this is the plan.

Would I be totally unreasonable to this year when she rings to organise her dinner ask her if she or her DP is going to be paying and that if she guilts dad into paying I won't go?

(Just to add, DP and I have offered to pay a share of the bill before but my dad has refused - I think because my sister's DP never does and he won't take our money if the other guy won't even offer it.)

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 28/01/2009 15:32

YANBU. However I would leave it as a matter between her and your dad rather than say what you propose to say.

pagwatch · 28/01/2009 15:34

She is being totally pathetic
Tell her to grow up and stop embaressing herself.
Bloody hell I wouldn't even take money from my dad to pay for my wedding at that age...

The other thing you could do to help your dad out is pay an amount in advance. I did that once to my dad he kept recommending the place to people because the prices were so reasonable

Divineintervention · 28/01/2009 15:34

I think you ask your sister to tell your Dad he's not expected to pay!
YANBU

boredveryverybored · 28/01/2009 15:36

I don't know actually, I would normally say when it comes to money and families stay well out and leave it to them involved to sort. But, I know in your shoes I'd feel awkward and ashamed of Dsis and wouldn't want to be there if she was going to do the same.
From that pov I think I would say something.

Original poster
laweaselmys · 28/01/2009 15:38

The problem is, my sister clearly doesn't think there IS a problem - and my dad would just never say anything.

Which makes me want to say something on his behalf.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 28/01/2009 15:38

Tell her to grow up.

Original poster
laweaselmys · 28/01/2009 15:38

Paying some in advance would be great but usually we pick somewhere on the night, so that wouldn't work unfortunately!

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 28/01/2009 15:40

Sorry if the was a little abrupt and unhelpful, But YANBU at all to dislike this. Could you perhaps speak to her before the time and tell her that you think it's not on?

Luxmum · 28/01/2009 15:40

How scabby of your sister. Tell her to cop on and stop being so grasping. She needs a reality check. Wonder what'd happen if she had to pay, I imagine the meal would be cancelled..It's incredibly unfair on your Dad. I would really say something, I had to do the same to my scabby younger brother, as he was taking the piss. He grew up a bit more, and it was much better going out with him after that, as we knew everything was on more equal terms.

boredveryverybored · 28/01/2009 15:41

I wouldn't say anything on his behalf, he can speak for himself whether he will or not.
Nothing to stop you telling her that you won't be coming if she plans to do the same thing to your dad because you find it pathetic and embarrasing etc though.
Don't speak for others unless they've asked you to though, that way trouble lies

Original poster
laweaselmys · 28/01/2009 15:43

lol, that's true. Stick to the 'I' statements.

OP posts:
thatsnotmymonster · 28/01/2009 15:43

If it were me I would definitely say something to her.

Are your parent's really wealthy or is it a big deal for them to fork out that much cash?

I hate it when grown ups still expect their parents to do this for them. Nothing wrong with parents/family helping out but it is when it is expected that it is a problem, especially as she and her dp can afford it themselves!

YANBU

Lulumama · 28/01/2009 15:43

maybe your dad is happy to pay? maybe it makes him happy to pay for his daughter's birthday meal?

snout out, or your sister will not thank you for it. it is not your call to make, unless you really want to fall out with her

how does she guilt your dad into paying?

goodness, my dad gave me some money towards my car repairs recently.. am i a grasping cow?

thatsnotmymonster · 28/01/2009 15:45

I would also tell my dad not to pay and stop letting her get away with it (like I did with my mum and 25yo younger brother).

Original poster
laweaselmys · 28/01/2009 15:47

My dad certainly makes less money than her and her DP combined but probably about the same as her to be honest. I know he isn't happy because I can read his expression! When the bill comes out he leaves it there and keeps talking, and my sister will sort of stare at him or poke it in his direction and then he sort of sighs and sorts it out.

I'm not going to make out that I'm a saint here btw, I have asked my dad for help before (including buying a car) but I don't expect him to say yes, or drop him into it on the spot and always make arrangements to pay the money back.

I just think it's totally different.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 28/01/2009 15:48

I'm with the "I" statement idea, all you can do...

Original poster
laweaselmys · 28/01/2009 15:49

I do like my sister. She's a lovely person, I just think she's totally clueless about some things.

I don't want to offend her, I just want her to stop doing this.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 28/01/2009 15:51

it is up to your dad to say something , or not.

you could always leave your share of the bill on the table or give it to your dad afterwards

Haribosmummy · 28/01/2009 15:52

I think you are being perfectly reasonable to say 'If you are inviting us for a meal / dinner, then I expect you to pay for it'

She sounds like a prize bitch - poking the bill at him.

I think you are well within your rights to not want to be present as your dad get coggled....

Original poster
laweaselmys · 28/01/2009 15:54

hey, she's not a bitch! Just. Clueless I think. Lots of things happened in the years between us and she is more used to being spoilt than I am. I don't think this is her fault really.

OP posts:
MadMarg · 28/01/2009 15:54

Have you spoken to your dad? You might be sticking your nose in where it's not wanted, you know. He might appear unwilling, but you never know, dad's can be odd creatures....!!!!

traceybath · 28/01/2009 15:59

why don't you pick the bill up, and say 'right thats £30 each' or whatever it is?

Original poster
laweaselmys · 28/01/2009 15:59

I don't really like the idea of suggesting to me dad that one of his DDs is being selfish, tbh. It would hurt his feelings. I'd rather say it to her, and have her not do it next time and him be pleasantly surprised. (Or if he really does want to pay offer to do so instead of being forced into it.)

OP posts:
Original poster
laweaselmys · 28/01/2009 16:01

Actually, that's quite tempting Traceybath...

I guess the only issue to that is my mother who is unemployed and unlikely to have bought money with her.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 28/01/2009 16:08

why not suggest to your sister (in advance) that you would like to pay towards this meal , as her birthday present this year. If she asks why just hint that it is rather alot for your dad to pay out

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