To think my sister shouldn't expect our dad to pay for her parties anymore?

[laweaselmys]

My sister is nearly 25, she lives in London and we don't see her very often. Her DP is relatively wealthy and she is used to mixing with other relatively wealthy people and has always struggled a bit to keep up with their expectations for less money.

However, every year she invites us all down to London for a big birthday dinner and at the end of the meal when the bill arrives makes it clear that my dad is expected to pay! Given that their are usually at least 6 if not 8 people having dinner, the bill is always £150+, and she never tells him in advance that this is the plan.

Would I be totally unreasonable to this year when she rings to organise her dinner ask her if she or her DP is going to be paying and that if she guilts dad into paying I won't go?

(Just to add, DP and I have offered to pay a share of the bill before but my dad has refused - I think because my sister's DP never does and he won't take our money if the other guy won't even offer it.)

Just say- mum, you can owe me it? Or say "it's ok mum, I'll get yours seeing as you are (insert favour x, y or z) for me"?

that souds strange to me, when my family and i go out for dinner we pay a share towards the bill most of the time. But if my dad is there he usually pays as he wants to and will not let anyone else.

But no one in our family would ever invite him somewhere then EXPECT him to pay, that is discusting.

If it was me I would mention it to her and say, you cannot expect to invite dad to london to pay for everyones meal......

Sorry, Lawesaselmys...

arranging a party, organising the whole thing, playing host... And then 'poking' the bill at someone (with your own admission, it's not like your dad is paying on his own volition), is horrible behaviour for a 25 year old.

How 'clueless' do you have to be to have to 'poke' the bill at someone?

I think you (and probably everyone else around her) are giving her far too much leniency - not wanting to upset her... Her behaviour doesn't smack of being clueless at all.

"Hi sis, I was thinking about your birthday meal. This year I think it would be good if we all split the bill ".

It would be hard for her to say anything against it.

lol, sorry - my mum and I don't get on well at all I think she'd die of shock if I offered to pay for her!! Wouldn't kill me though, I suppose.

Although, now I like Dropdeadfred's idea. I could just ring and say 'I'd like to pay for some of your meal as your present this year' and if she asks why I'll just say I feel bad about dad always paying when we're old enough to pay for ourselves.

Which can give her a small guilt trip without starting a whole big deal.

Tricky one as family and money discussions are always awkward.

My father often pays for meals when we all go out (often being 10 of us), but we never expect it. As a general rule in our family those that do the inviting do the paying.

But as others have said this really is between your sister and your dad.

Exactly!!

My dad (when he was alive) would always insist on paying for this sort of thing. In fact it's sort of the culture in our family that the most senior person (usually male) picks up the bill.

In DH's family, their tradition is that the bill gets split minutely, down to the level of 'right you had a starter, we had 2 beers' etc. I think they would see it as showing off if one person tried to pay the whole bill.

Sounds like your sister has mentally decided that it's Dad's treat, and he hasn't said anything to make her think otherwise. Maybe he doesn't want to admit that it's a squeeze for him to pay.

Yes, as others have said it's between your sister and your dad but I wouldn't be going if I couldn't pay.

Also it's not very manly of her DP to let him and his guests be paid for.

I know. If I'm totally honest, I don't always like her DP, and I think some of the presumptuous attitudes about what other people should do for you come from him.

Hold on a minute, is this meal paying usually a birthday present to your sister? Because if it is YABU.

No, he always gets her gifts(s). Not usually very expensive, but we don't really do expensive birthday gifts.

Similar situation occurs with my sis. I try really hard to but out but sometimes get really frustrated and don't quite manage it.

How about at the start of the meal saying are we having a kitty or going dutch?

Maybe your Dad likes to pay for it.

YANBU. I think you should have a word with her.

Fecking hell I thought you were going to say she was 17.

yabu

unless you have power of attorney over your father's money

I would have a word with your dad and say you feel a little uncomfortable about him being put on the spot.If you then decide to speak to your sister be careful not to make it sound like your dad has been moaning about her, you could start all sorts of trouble, be clear you feel it is unfair on him and not that he has instigated your conversation