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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want an univited friend to turn up just to watch my wedding

51 replies

tootyflooty · 28/01/2009 13:52

My friend has a dilema, one of her bf has said she will turn up at her wedding, even though this is a strictly family affair, and she has been invited to the evening do. As well as all the other bfs. She would not be able to attend the service as the function room is very small, and funds limited for the reception afterwards. She wants to be there for the photos, despite my friend making it very clear that this is unacceptable, my friends fiance is very angy about this and it could cause problems on the day should she show up, any advise on how to tackle her without hurting her feelings too much?

OP posts:

beanieb · 28/01/2009 17:27

Anyone can turn up on the day and watch from outside but she shouldn't be able to get in. As for the photos - I think that your friend needs to be firm.

mrsjammi · 28/01/2009 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

samsonara · 28/01/2009 17:33

I think she wants a photo of her little boy as a page boy and is probably thinking that with him being the age he is he would look very cute etc, that's probably why she said she wants to come for the photos. I know it's not normal behaviour but she might be dissapointed her boy isn't an actual page boy at the wedding and is trying to make up for her dissapointment.Maybe let her have a photo, she can wait outside for when the bride comes out?

Saltire · 28/01/2009 17:53

Is she planning on getting her son to give a horseshoe - do they still do that at weddings? One of my workmates at the time dressed her little boy in a kilt to give me a horsehsoe, because she wanted a photo, she wasn't invited during the day either

edam · 28/01/2009 18:05

Even in a hotel, as Peachy says, they HAVE to allow members of the public into the room in case there's a just cause or impediment. But they don't have to provide a spare seat.

Has anyone ever been at a wedding where someone's stood up during the just cause bit and objected? Not sure it really happens.

squeaver · 28/01/2009 18:07

Oh I would LOVE to see that at a wedding!

MadamDeathstare · 28/01/2009 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 28/01/2009 18:11

I had a few turn up for the service who weren't invited. They were quite discreet and sloped off before the photos were taken. I knew the girl from school (and she is the SIL of my BF and bridesmaid) and her daughter and her mum (!). I didn't care on the day, saw them outside when I was going to talk to the registrar and then saw on the wedding video that they'd come in and sat down quite near the front (even in the row in front of my grandparents (!!)

Thought it was a bit weird afterwards though... especially as her mum is a bit of a fruit loop (BF's MIL and have hence lots of toxic stories about her)....

hifi · 28/01/2009 18:16

where i come from up north its a tradition if you vaguely know the couple and arnt invited you watch from the local church gardens. its a sign of respect.

your friend is being a bit pushy, no one would expect to be in the photos.

PeachyBAHonsPRSCertOnRequest · 28/01/2009 19:10

edam that was about the only non-cntentious part of ours thank goodness......

PeachyBAHonsPRSCertOnRequest · 28/01/2009 19:12

There were strangers at out Hotel do watching me go in; I loved it, really added to it (hotel had a museum attached so they were probably visitors)

warthog · 28/01/2009 19:15

your friend needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that she's not welcome at the ceremony. she has thick skin, so she needs to be blunt.

twentypence · 28/01/2009 19:16

For this reason I prefer funerals - imagine if you didn't go to the funeral but just went for the party afterwards.

I feel like this about the wedding - I would much rather see the vows and go home (costing nothing for the bride and groom) than not see a wedding and then go to the party.

We had some neighbours at our wedding. It was in church so anyone could have come in to get warm I suppose.

Take the fact that she wants to see you be married as a complement.

Earthymama · 28/01/2009 19:24

When i got married in the dim and distant all the neighbours came out to see me and lots of older ladies came and sat at the back of the church.

But they didn't try to get on the photos!!

I guess it's different if it's in a venue like a hotel.

squeaver · 28/01/2009 21:04

That happened to me too earthy. It was nice.

georgimama · 28/01/2009 21:12

I think church weddings, where it's quite normal for members of the congregation to come to the ceremony (if they know the couple) or for friends who are only coming to the evening or not at all to come into the church, are a bit different. Ours was like that and I had no problem. I went to a lovely church wedding (friend of DH's) which had about 250 guests but the reception was a cup of tea and cake. The ceremony was clearly the most important part.

This is clearly a private (in so far as a wedding legally can be) civil ceremony and the friend is clearly barking mad.

TheYearOfTheCat · 28/01/2009 22:14

I think there are probably different traditions at play here. I had several uninvited guests at the back of our church and in the grounds. I was really touched.

Ok, so it's maybe a bit weird, but what is the harm in letting the friend watch the ceremony? The harm in making a big deal is to hurt and alienate the friend. She doesn't need to have her in the photos - after all, it is the photographer who decides the shots.

I know it is a big deal at the time, but almost 6 years on from my wedding, on reflection, so many issues which were important then, fade away into insignificance. It would be such a shame for your friend to hurt her friend over the sake of this.

alicet · 28/01/2009 22:28

I think there is plenty of harm in letting her just come and watch the ceremony.

The circumstances posters have talked about where people have sat in a ceremony in a church are different - usually church weddings are bigger affairs and churches are certainly bigger so sitting in the back to watch a neighbour won't alter the feel of the ceremony at all.

supposing the bride and groom both have small families she and her son are going to be very conspicuous especially if she as insensitive as she has been portrayed.

Plus suppose she then goes to the reception and goes on about'Oh the ceremony was so moving, X looked gorgeous and Y had tears in his eyes when he made his vows etc etc' then all the rest of the friends who were not invited and were sensitive enough to realise the day is NOT about them and respected the bride and grooms wishes are going to be a bit f*cked off that they weren't there. could cause a lot of bad feeling and spoil the day imho.

Perhaps if the bride is too soft to tell her to f*ck off maybe a couple of you who are invited to the evening only should express your concerns to her that you think she is being selfish to go to the ceremony and should respect the wishes of her friend

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/01/2009 09:14

is it possible that all the bf wants to do is watch the bride come out of the ceronmy and then watch photos

has she said she wants to be IN the photos?

i do think it is nice that she wants to see her bf gets married

MauriceDancer · 29/01/2009 11:34

at the subsequent pageboy revelation... most peculiar not to have mentioned this in the OP.

BONKERZ · 29/01/2009 11:37

i got married in a registry office and had quite a few friends turn up just to see us go in and come out and stayed around for the photots, i was really pleased and when i saw them at the evening do i made sure i thanked them for coming along!

GrapefruitMoon · 29/01/2009 11:47

Edam I was at a wedding once where there was much nudging and meaningful glances at that point but no-one actually had the guts to say anything! .... couple have now split up but the groom had grown on us over the years...

pamelat · 29/01/2009 11:50

Its weird. Does the best friend think that the bride wants her there really and that maybe groom is putting pressure on for family only (I know a bloke who did this to my friend).

I think its lovely for her to turn up to be around to see the bride arrive, service if possible and to see the bride leave. If she wants to watch the photos, thats also lovely. Anything else is frankly quite odd.

MauriceDancer · 29/01/2009 12:41

is the OP the bride by the way? the subject line is 'AIBU to not want an uninvited friend to turn up just to watch my wedding?'

Katiestar · 29/01/2009 13:12

If she wants to be there THAT much could you not just feel flattered and invite her ?

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