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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to sit by the phone waiting for a call when I have a mobile with me at all times?

40 replies

sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 10:27

My OH has had to go away abroad for a few days as a relative has died. yesterday daytime he called me and said he would call me at home around 8pm. I told him that I might not be there as I was going to drop something off at a friends house and have food there. At the time he made a small comment about me going out with another man (My friend is male and they have never met - it's a work friend) but I didn't think anything of it and told him I would have my mobile phone on me.

So off I went to see the friend and we had food and a chat and at around 8pm I sent a text to my OH telling him I was still there. He didn't respond.

I got home about quarter to ten and checked the home phone - a missed call and no message left. I then checked my emails and he'd mailed me twice saying he'd called twice but I wasn't there and that he couldn't get a signal inside the house he's at (he specifically said inside) and so would call the next day. he sounded a bit pissed off so I tried to call but went to his answerphone. I left a message and went to bed.

This morning I get a text saying he will call this evening, no kisses or I love you (He ALWAYS puts kisses) and then an email asking me what time I got back (!) and telling me he really wanted to speak to me and he'll call me tonigh 'if you're there'!!

I am REALLY pissed off because I feel like he's being Arsey despite the fact that I told him I might not be home and that he could have called me on my mobile (from outside) at any time if he really did need to talk to me.

I think he is jealous! Yet there is no reason at all for him to be! He has several female friends and has been to see them without me on a few occassions and I have NEVER questioned him or even worried about him being with them.

AIBU to be pissed off with him? I have replied to his mails telling him that I did tell him I might not be home, that he has a mobile and he could have used it (outside) to call my mobile if he really needed to speak to me or even that he could have used his mums phone to call my mobile if it was really important to him, and that I really am not happy about having this kind of 'argument' over email when we are so far apart. I also (in a separate email) responded to his 'what time did you get in' comment, telling him I got in at 9.45pm but I feel resentful that I have to even tell him this TBH!

I am a little bit furious now, and am trying to stop myself from calling him now and having a heated discussion about his attitude. I know he is stressed because he's supporting his mum and has had to fly abroad at short notice but this surely doesn't mean I have to be in every night sitting by the phone!?

OP posts:
ilove · 28/01/2009 10:28

I actually think YABU...sorry

choccyp1g · 28/01/2009 10:32

There is a practical way round this. BT have an option where you can set your home phone to redirect all calls to your mobile. The only trouble is, you then pay the cost of the forward call, so I only use it when I'm expecting a really important call. It doesn't change the fact that your DH could have rung your mobile, but maybe he's a bit stressed with the death in hte family.

hatwoman · 28/01/2009 10:33

in the circumstances I think he possibly wanted to have a proper talk to you, about how things are, how his mum is, etc and didn;t feel, reasonably imo, that he could do that whilst you're at someone else's house. I think he needed a bit of support and felt he wasn;t getting it. don't be cross with him - try to see it from his pov - and make a time to have a decent conversation with him.

choccyp1g · 28/01/2009 10:33

Maybe he didn't want to seem jealous by ringing you at the friends house.

Hawkmoth · 28/01/2009 10:34

He sounds a bit soft if you ask me.

Of course he's upset, stressed and lonely, but he could show some initiative and use a different phone, or perhaps use his legs.

My OH is grumpy and inert when he's feeling sorry for himself or not feeling fully in control of a situation, and it can be quite frustrating!

NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2009 10:34

I think he's being unreasonable ... but he's overseas, dealing with family and death. He's not going to be at his most reasonable. Can't you indulge him a bit? Why pick a fight about this, now. Talk to him about it calmly, when he's back, and things are calmer.

bubblagirl · 28/01/2009 10:34

i think maybe just a bit of understanding is needed his grieving in another country and your having dinner witha man he hasnt met

my partner too would be slightly jealous what if he said oh i wont be able to call im off out with a lady you have never met

his upset his grieving and probably feels a little upset you have said oh i wont be home as i'll be out with said man

just try to understand his emotions for now i wouldnt like it i dont mind if i know the person etc but if i dont id be very jealous

Original poster
sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 10:52

ok - am prepared to be told I am unreasonable but why?

He mentioned he wanted to call me at a certain time
I told him I wouldn't be at home but I would have my mobile on me
He didn't call my mobile he called home even though I had sent a text to let him know I wasn't home.
He's sent me emails asking me what time I got in.
he has now sent me an email asking me what time I got in!

OP posts:
Original poster
sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 10:57

ok - I have just had a text from him in which he says he's not happy that I went out 'late', and again saying eh will call me tonight 'if you are there' so I have called him and asked him if he is pissed off and why. He says he called me at 10pm, I was in the house at 10 pm and there was no call unless it was in the 30 seconds that I went to the car to get something from the boot.

When I explained this he is adamant that he called me at 10 and that he told me to 'keep the phone by me at all times'.

As far as I recall I don't remember him saying this but am pissed off now that because I didn't have the phone on me when I poped to the car I am some how at fault. He seems to be questining the fact that I was at home at all so I have asked outright if this is a jealousy thing? He says no.

OP posts:
Original poster
sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 11:33

ok - I have apologised for not supporting him in the way he expected, he's not happy and seems to be implying that I was 'out all night' which is totally not true. I tried to contact him several times last night by text and phone (land line and mobile) and then by email.

I am slightly worried that his arsey behaviour is not just to do with the way he is feeling over the berevement but more to do with needing to know where I am and who I am with all the time. I have asked outright if he suspects that I was lying or doing something I shouldn't have and he says he's just pissed off generally.

Now I have 4 more days where we can't speak properly and I am really stressed by his attitude. I guess I will just have to stay in the house, glued to the phone for the rest of the week.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2009 11:43

If he's generally a tiny bit twitchy with jealousy, the stress and unpleasantness will make him much worse. Which is totally unfair and stupid, but he's not doing it on purpose.

Who died? What is his family like?

Original poster
sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 12:17

he's never shown any jealousy before, and I have never shown any to him about his female friends. I am just so upset by him implying I wasn't there at 10 pm when I know I was, he says he called me and there was no answer but I did not get that call. He's really upset, he says, because he really neded to talk to me but if that's really the case why didn't he make more effort and call me on my mobile or text me (I sent a couple of texts to him and he didn't respond!)?

it's his mum's husband and I know that he is very worried about his mum, naturally, and I am really sorry I couldn't support him in the way he expected me to but in our conversation earlier in the day, when he said he would call at 8.30, I DID tell him I might not be back and he didn't make a big deal of it then, he didn't ask me to make sure I was or anything. I suggested at the time I might not be back but that I would have my mobile phone. Surely if speaking to me at home was so important he should have said something then, in that call, when I said I might not be there?

What upsets me the most is the way this is all done by email rather than him actually trying to speak to me on the phone. If it was that important then why not call my mobile? Now I have to sit here for 4 days worrying that he really is pised off witih me and I suppose I shouldn't leave the house unless I arrange it firmly with him beforehand. I should really ask for his mums number so that I can call him, I suppose.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2009 12:44

Can you ask him to call you? Set a time when you'll be able to talk privately, or offer a few times? That's only worthwhile if he's good and relaxed on the phone ...

MadMarg · 28/01/2009 13:01

He's said he's pissed off generally - and that is probably true. Death can bring out the worst in families. Dealing with it can be difficult. Instead of taking it out on those who so thoroughly deserve it around him who have actually pissed him off - he's taking it out on you.

Tell him clearly that you understand that it's difficult, and that he may not be in the best of moods, but that you WILL NOT let him him take it out on you.

He has your mobile, if he can't ring it then it is HIS problem. Yes, he deserves sympathy, but until he stops acting like a prat don't buy into it. If he finds it so difficult to ring on his mobile, then tell him to email you a landline contact number so that you can call HIM. Or just call him on his mobile anyway, you'll just pay the normal call rate and he'll have to pay the hefty redirection fee. (Bit evil, I know!!)

My DH sometimes gets all moody when I'm away and he can't reach me, but if he gave me any grief for it he'd soon know how pissed off I was. Yes, I make an effort to be there for phone calls at least once a day, but I'm not going to mess my day around completely for it unless its REALLY important and he knows it. (And I go away for about 5 weeks at a time!!!)

VinegarTits · 28/01/2009 13:12

YABU his relative has just died, he is probably feeling a little stressed, vunerable and insecure and will need your emotional support right now

He wasnt asking you to sit by the phone 24 hrs a day, you could have gone to your friends after his call, and there is nothing wrong with him being jealous, just reassure him and be there to support him, put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you would feel if he swanned off to spend time with a lady friend of his, while you were dealing with the death of a relative?

Pingping · 28/01/2009 13:19

YABU

Everything VT said I was going to say

Pingping · 28/01/2009 13:21

Also he did say a time he was going to phone hardly like he said you need to stay in all day everyday in case I phone

theresonlyme · 28/01/2009 13:23

Any other time I would say he is being an arse but if he has just suffered a bereavement he might bnot be thinking straight and I would cut him some slack.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/01/2009 13:42

yanbu to expect him to call your mobile, esp as you told him you were out, and then fro him to be grumpy

i assume the person who dies isnt dad but is step dad

but also assume oh is feeing a bit sad and mens brains dont work at best of times, so i can underatand he is feeling down, and to him it may sound like his relative has died and you dont give a shit and go out with a friend, when he needs to have support from you

Original poster
sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 14:29

"you could have gone to your friends after his call, and there is nothing wrong with him being jealous, just reassure him and be there to support him, put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you would feel if he swanned off to spend time with a lady friend of his, while you were dealing with the death of a relative"

but what I found so frustrating was him being so ppissed off with me even though I had said I might not be there. I couldn't have gone to my friend's house at half 8, it would have been too late. I had already made the arrangement with my friend before I spoke to my OH and as I explained to him I might not be in when he called, surely that would have been the time for him to say he was unhappy and ask me if I could go later? Rather than sending me messages this morning? I was completely unaware until I got those messages that he was pissed off witih me.

I think perhaps I haven't been as sympathetic as I could have over the berevement so I have apologised for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 14:33

"i assume the person who dies isnt dad but is step dad" yes his step dad. He has gone to support his mum and I know that must be very hard for him. I did offer to come too.

We spoke in the day, whe could have rung at 6, or at 9 but it just feels like because I wasn't there at 8 - 8.30 when he wanted to ring me, then I am the bad guy. It feels unfair because I did say to him that I might not be there, I don't think I ever gave him teh impression that I would definitely be there.

"and to him it may sound like his relative has died and you dont give a shit and go out with a friend, when he needs to have support from you "

yes I can see how it might seem like that, but seeing as we spoke during the day, surely that would have been the time to tell me he was upset? Rather than wait until this morning and be arsey?

OP posts:
Original poster
sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 14:36

"how you would feel if he swanned off to spend time with a lady friend of his"

oh and had to answer this. My dad is dead. When I went abroad to deal with my dad's death, my then boyfriend didn't come with me and I didn't expect him to cancell his social life while I was away. Yes I would have been pissed off if he didn't contact me at all while I was away but I wouldn't have got arsey with him for seeing his friends, male or female.

I didn't 'swan off' I went to deliver something to a friend after work and stayed for some food. I wasn't geting pissed, gallavanting about town etc. I had my phone with me, I told him where I would be, I sent a text to him letting him know I was still out at half 8.... I hardly think that's 'swanning off'

OP posts:
kickassangel · 28/01/2009 14:38

international mobile calls are phenomenally expensive - it could cost you both hundreds of pounds to use mobiles not landline. it wasn't unreasonable to go out, but be aware that you are cutting off contact with him if you do. he does sound a little jealous, but tha's a different issue.

if he needs to talk to you, are you really willing to spend hundreds of punds to use mobiles instead of landlines, or could you arrange a mutally convenient time & be there?

Original poster
sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 14:42

How much does a text cost from Europe? is it phenomenally expensive? I hope not, as I sent him a couple of texts last night which he didn't answer, maybe because of the phenomenally expensive cost?

I spent 20 minutes + on the phone (my mobile) this morning trying to talk to him. I wonder how much that will cost - not that I mind, I really wanted to see if he was ok after I got the emails. I do care, I really do, but I don't feel like it's fair to make such a big deal out of it in the way he did given all the circumstances.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2009 14:44

Can't he call her on her mobile from his landline?

That being said, shifting your plans around a bit to support him doesn't seem a totally impossible thing to do ... surely his current situation is more important than a social call? (I don't think you are BU, but I don't think he is, exactly.)