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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to sit by the phone waiting for a call when I have a mobile with me at all times?

40 replies

sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 10:27

My OH has had to go away abroad for a few days as a relative has died. yesterday daytime he called me and said he would call me at home around 8pm. I told him that I might not be there as I was going to drop something off at a friends house and have food there. At the time he made a small comment about me going out with another man (My friend is male and they have never met - it's a work friend) but I didn't think anything of it and told him I would have my mobile phone on me.

So off I went to see the friend and we had food and a chat and at around 8pm I sent a text to my OH telling him I was still there. He didn't respond.

I got home about quarter to ten and checked the home phone - a missed call and no message left. I then checked my emails and he'd mailed me twice saying he'd called twice but I wasn't there and that he couldn't get a signal inside the house he's at (he specifically said inside) and so would call the next day. he sounded a bit pissed off so I tried to call but went to his answerphone. I left a message and went to bed.

This morning I get a text saying he will call this evening, no kisses or I love you (He ALWAYS puts kisses) and then an email asking me what time I got back (!) and telling me he really wanted to speak to me and he'll call me tonigh 'if you're there'!!

I am REALLY pissed off because I feel like he's being Arsey despite the fact that I told him I might not be home and that he could have called me on my mobile (from outside) at any time if he really did need to talk to me.

I think he is jealous! Yet there is no reason at all for him to be! He has several female friends and has been to see them without me on a few occassions and I have NEVER questioned him or even worried about him being with them.

AIBU to be pissed off with him? I have replied to his mails telling him that I did tell him I might not be home, that he has a mobile and he could have used it (outside) to call my mobile if he really needed to speak to me or even that he could have used his mums phone to call my mobile if it was really important to him, and that I really am not happy about having this kind of 'argument' over email when we are so far apart. I also (in a separate email) responded to his 'what time did you get in' comment, telling him I got in at 9.45pm but I feel resentful that I have to even tell him this TBH!

I am a little bit furious now, and am trying to stop myself from calling him now and having a heated discussion about his attitude. I know he is stressed because he's supporting his mum and has had to fly abroad at short notice but this surely doesn't mean I have to be in every night sitting by the phone!?

OP posts:

Original poster

sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 14:48

I did though! I told him when we spoke at mid-day yesterday that I might not be back. If he had a problem with that surely he could have said, or arranged a later time?

I left my friends house at 9.30ish - which would have been 10.30 where he is. Maybe that was too late for him to call but he's saying he did call at 10 my time (when I WAS back) and implying I wasn't there when I know I was and I know there wasn't a call (not that I heard).

I have his mum's number now and I ihave apologised for being unsupportive. Am just a bit irritated by this idea that I was 'swanning off' and leaving him without contact!

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/01/2009 14:51

I spent 20 minutes + on the phone (my mobile) this morning trying to talk to him. I wonder how much that will cost - not that I mind

it will cost him - mobile companies charge the person who is away/abroad for the call

assume they think it is unfair that person a gets charged more as person b is abroad

will cost you normal rate, same for texts, he will be charged for the roaming bit while it gets to his phone

think texts are 4 times normal price

its roughly a £1 a minte to call from abroad, unless you have overseaa rate as part of your contract

so every time you call him, and it connects, or you leave a message on his mobile ansermachine it will cost him

Original poster

sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 14:52

oh bugger at the call costs. I will reimburse him if that's the case.

OP posts:

Bubbaluv · 28/01/2009 14:59

I occassionally make calls to my family on Australia on their mobiles. Costs nowhere near hundreds of pounds!

YANBU, if you know in advance that you want to speak to someone then you arrange a mutually convenient time to call. If you suggest a time and the other person says they may not be able to do that time then you can hardly complain when that's the case

He's obviously grumpy and a bit depressed due to the situation and you need to be v understanding and forgiving, but no need to be a doormat either.

Bubbaluv · 28/01/2009 15:00

He obviously has internet access where he is - maybe you should Skype him?

Tiramissu · 28/01/2009 15:09

Yes if he has the same phone and sim card with him, every time you call him you pay international rate plus he pays for receiving the call.

Text is not 4 times extra, it is 2 times extra and he is not charged for receiving text , only for sending.

But tbh i think you are a bit unreasonable considering that he didnt go there for fun but for funeral. Perhaps he was feeling low and wanted to speak on your own.

kickassangel · 28/01/2009 15:13

bubbaluv - how much does it cost them? i have paid out over 300 pounds because i had to make & receive calls to uk from us. i was arranging financial transfers & had to wait on hold whilst they autorised things. it all depends on what plan your on, which network etc, but quickly adds up. we now use jajah.com, which is way cheaper

Bubbaluv · 28/01/2009 15:17

Well, when I was last in Aus I was calling DH back in UK on his mobile from my mobile. So paying international charge. I have a pre-paid phone that I top up in £30 incriments. I would have been able to make about 3 x 10 min calls before my top-ups ran out.
That's on O2.

Original poster

sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 15:24

"But tbh i think you are a bit unreasonable considering that he didnt go there for fun but for funeral. Perhaps he was feeling low and wanted to speak on your own. "

ok, I can accept this. I think perhaps I should have just cancelled my plans so I could be in at 8 - 8.30 rather than letting him know I would be in later. It was wrong of me to tell him I would be out until later and I should have re-arranged my friend for next week (last night was the only night he was going to be in this week) and waited in for the call.

He didn't go to the funeral, he missed it. He went to support his mum for a few days. I offered to go too but he wanted to go alone.

OP posts:

Tiramissu · 28/01/2009 15:27

oops sorry

i thought he went for funeral.
I didnt mean to be harsh, its just that i have family all over the world and had to travel for funerals and every time i felt very low. Thats why i am so sympathetic to your DH

Bubbaluv · 28/01/2009 15:28

Well not really, because he could easily have said to you that he really wanted to speak to you and could you not rearrange so that you could be home. If he'd done that I bet you would have happily sat by the phone to offer support. He could also have left a message for you if he did call at 10 and you could have called him straight back.

Original poster

sittingbythephoneforaweek · 28/01/2009 15:30

Oh - I wasn't correcting you as such. The funeral happened really quickly and he flew out 2 days later. I think perhaps I need to improve my sympathy skills. I can be a hard old bitch sometimes and so I miss when people are feeling low or unhappy.

At the same time I think I need clearer indications from my OH when he is feeling like this, as he keeps his feelings hidden so I don't really get to know when he's feeling down as immediately as I could.

thanks for the advice.

I guess IABU to be so narked by it all, but IANBU to think he should have listened to me when I said I wouldn't be there?

ta all.

OP posts:

Bubbaluv · 28/01/2009 15:52

Nail on head. Give him a hug, tell him your sorry and that if you'd known he was upset you would have moved h&e to be there to take his call.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/01/2009 17:11

sure i got charged for receiveing texts, as got huge phone bill when i was in the carribean as people kept texting to say congrats ( got married there)

BUT GUESS THATS NOT EUROPE

he could have texted you to find out where you were, ore aid he would call you at x time

but it is done now, so agree, send him a loving text and say you love him

ChippingIn · 31/01/2009 00:19

YANBU, not at all.

When he called you said you wouldn't be back then you were having dinner with a friend, so he should have arranged another (mutually convenient) time.

To me it doesn't sound like he needed to talk to you as much as he needed to know you were home, not out at this friends place.

You offered to go with him, he didn't want you to. You told him you'd be out, he didn't arrange another time. He called at 10, could have tried at 10.10 in case you were in the shower/loo/out at the car. He could have called you on your mobile to either talk to arrange a better time to talk. He could have replied to the texts you sent....

Personally I think he is being very controlling and I wouldn't put up with it.

Don't sit by the phone all week.... that's why mobiles are so great

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