Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or was dh in fact being a selfish twunt? (Absurdly long rant, sorry)

48 replies

raisingrrrl · 28/01/2009 01:38

Small amount of background:

I am almost 37 weeks pg, with horrendous backache and v painful BH's. This baby wasn't planned, I'm not overly keen on having 2 kids, I'm not sure at all how I'm going to cope with a toddler and a newborn and I'm generally feeling a bit shite.

I went up to bed tonight, at just gone 11, fell asleep straight away. Both me and ds (he is still in our room) were woken up at half 12 by dh stumbling into our room - dh then proceeds to totally fail to get ds back to sleep, and gets really arsey with me when I tell him to just put ds in bed with us. I'm fucking fuming by this point anyway, because I've been woken up (should probably add that if ds gets too upset atm, he coughs a lot and is then sick, which I wanted to avoid at all costs) and will now have to sleep corkscrewed around ds which means I get no sleep and my back is fucked for the whole day.

I tell dh (in no uncertain terms) that he can fuck off to the spare room and sleep in there, and leave the big bed for me and ds (and my enormous bump) but he refuses on the grounds that I've told him to do it. Cue massive row about him moving out to the spare room, me asking him whether I'd rather me and ds moved out to the spare room instead and him basically telling me that I'm a fucking bitch because I've told him to do something. I'm of the opinion that he should have been more careful in the first place, then he wouldn't have woken me or ds up, ds wouldn't have needed to come into our bed, and the whole sorry saga needn't have happened.

Anyway, I manage to piss dh off to the extent that he goes off in a huff to the spare room, and I lie in bed (next to extremely wriggly ds) with v painful heartburn, crying and wondering what the hell just happened. I don't think it's too much to ask that you move out of the marital bed for a night, to make room for your son and your extremely pregnant wife, is it? But no, I managed to put his back up by telling him to move, and rather than sucking it up and accepting that I'm not at my most rational right now (what with being heavily pg - did I mention that?) and doing as he's asked - ok, told - he decides to make a massive issue out of it.

The upshot of all this is, I've come downstairs because I can't sleep. The washing up was undone, ds' toys were still strewn all over the floor, the place looked like a bomb had hit it. So I've washed up, I've picked all ds' toys up, I've tidied the house, and meanwhile dh is upstairs in the spare room FUCKING SNORING! It would be nice to believe that he even remotely thought about how I'm feeling right now, and how difficult it is for me to bend over and pick ds' stuff up, or how painful it is for me to bend over the sink washing up but I know that all he did while I was catching a precious hour's sleep was sit on his arse on the laptop and ignore all the fucking mess.

God I am so angry right now, I feel like storming up to the spare room and kicking him in the nuts, jumping up and down on his fat belly and then kicking him in the base of the spine just so he gets a tiny idea of what it's like to be pg.

(I was a regular MNer, I flounced deregistered, and if you've figured out who I am from this then please don't out me!)

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 28/01/2009 01:51

YAN (so not) BU.

He should be being far more considerate than he is (or appears to be from this post). [Don't tell anyone here as it seems to be against some unwritten rule - but I'm sending you a big hug].

You need to talk to your DH about how you are feeling. Whether this wee one was planned or not, it's coming and you are heavily pregnant - he needs to get a grip on that. Quickl

y.

raisingrrrl · 28/01/2009 01:59

Thing is - he is extremely miserable in his job right now, and very stressed, and every time I try and talk to him about how unhappy I am, and how I don't think I can cope with 2 kids he makes me feel like the selfish one because he's so unhappy at work!

I really feel like doing something horrible to him right now. It's not a nice way to feel - I hate being angry with him. Feels like a total waste of energy apart from anything else.

OP posts:
vezzie · 28/01/2009 15:56

How do you feel today raisingrrrl?

I totally understand the impulse to clear up all the mess you found when you went downstairs last night - I would have done the same - but now I am trying not to do so much tidying up when DP is not aware of it or it is less likely he will ever begin to take it on board. You probably thought "if I just get this crap out of the way I will feel better", but the problem is he can still think fairies do it if it all disappears in the middle of the night.

Good luck and let us know how you are getting on.

trixymalixy · 28/01/2009 16:15

YANBU!! Your DH is a selfish twunt. I would just have left all the mess.

I can totally empathise with the panicking about coping with two kids especially as it sounds like you'll be doing most of it.

How are things today?

(I know who you are, but won't out you I promise!!)

DaphneMoon · 28/01/2009 16:26

Get him to read your post, that should get it in his thick head. Selfish twat.

saralou · 28/01/2009 16:32

he was a selfish twunt!!!

a simple apology for waking you up is all that was needed!

i thought i wouldn't cope with 2, and at times i didn't but it wasn't as terrible as i thought the rest of the time!!!

bloody scary though being faced with 2 (i didn't plan the 2nd one either!!)

hope you feel better today and that he's apologised!!!

littlelyn · 28/01/2009 16:37

YANBU!! Your DH should have gone to bed with you and given you a back rub. He also needs to stop whinging about his job as only he can fix it and instead focus on you, your ds and bump. I'm sure you'll cope fine with 2 DCs - sounds like your DH has given you plenty of practise

I hope he does some serious grovelling later today - if not, show him this thread and then jump on his "fat belly"!

TheFirstLiffey · 28/01/2009 16:41

Think about separation. Not just call his bluff. Really look into it. Could you do it? Would it be so awful?

Possibly, if he knows you are sick of his laziness and selfishness, it might be a wake up call, but if it's not a wake up call, and he is still angry at you for not pandering to his misery and doing 100% of all the childcare when you're 37 wks, then.................. I would start just questioning whether you will be happier with him or without him.

Women stay with such selfish, lazy men. I did it for 8 years, so it's not a critical judgment.

Honestly, just have a little think......

Lulumama · 28/01/2009 16:41

you guys need to learn to talk /communicate/ have a dialogue

but YANBU

you need to sort this out at some point

at the moemnet though, your needs are paramount

TheFirstLiffey · 28/01/2009 16:46

Sounds like he's only aware of his own needs. He's miserable at work, so it's his partner's duty to make home perfect and like a quiet hotel because he's miserable at work. My x was the same, miserable at work so he wanted to come home to a nice house, nice meals, obedient wife, disciplined children. He saw it as ludicrously unfair of me to even ask him to help at home.

The fact that I was on call 24/7 pandering to the needs of a toddler, baby and a critical, lazy, selfish misogynist man was one truth that he had his ears firmly shut to.

So, OP, I wish you luck communicating your unhappiness.

eandh · 28/01/2009 16:46

YANBU and I can remember how bloody uncomfortable the end of pregnancy was and having a crap sleeping toddler as well You will cope when baby arrives because you have too, ds will be fine and you can occupy him easily (will he be going to nursery/preschool to give you a break with baby?)

Hopefully DH will buck up and 'step up' and realise how bloody hard pregnancy is with a toddler, anything I can do to help let me know

Frasersmum123 · 28/01/2009 18:12

YANBU. I too have been through the toddler/heavily pregnany stage and it was awful, so I totally sympathise.

Sending you a big hug because I dont really know what else to say.

constancereader · 28/01/2009 18:21

Just wanted to add that I found looking after a toddler and a newborn much much easier than looking after my toddler when pg. It really was, I just felt SO much more able to cope with anything as soon as I wasn't pg anymore.

And YANBU.

dangfando · 28/01/2009 20:36

It's definitely easier when baby gets here than being pg with a toddler. I think men sometimes just spectacularly don't get it. Mine's been guilty of that. It doesn't make him a bad man or mean that things are doomed. But I have learnt that quietly fuming and expecting him to notice gets you nowhere. You have to talk.

raisingrrrl · 28/01/2009 20:42

Thanks for all the replies.

We have talked about separation, I even went so far as to get myself on the housing list, and then I found out I was pg with this baby! He's being a really patronizing shit today, and as far as I'm concerned he can fuck off to the spare room tonight as well.

About the tidying - I don't really mind doing it, I just wish he'd put more effort in, and actually thought a bit about how I'm feeling. But lulu and the others who've sussed me know how long I've been whingeing about that, so I guess it's not going to happen. I think separation is probably inevitable, but I feel like I owe it to our DC to give it more of a go than this. Plus, who knows? If/when he gets a different job he might be more happy, and life could be really good for us. I love him very much, and I don't want to give up on us just yet.

OP posts:
raisingrrrl · 28/01/2009 20:44

God, reading that back I sound like a total sap!

OP posts:
heverhoney1 · 28/01/2009 21:49

Well I think its something in the water - I am 26 weeks pg and have just started craving Milk (not that weird at least I can see I prob need calcium and we generally have it in the house.) I made the apparently unreasonable request of my DP that he pour me a glass of milk (Please) while I was on my way home from work so it wouldnt be freezing when I got home and could drink it straight down. Despite me getting home to him standing in the kitchen he refused to pour me any milk and shouted and me because he thinks I am taking the p!!

Now he is normally VERY good and has tried hard to be supportive but sometimes he can be a total TW@T

singyswife · 28/01/2009 21:56

No advice Im afraid but had to tell you all that I LOVE the word Twunt and it shall become my new word.

Hope it gets better for you soon.

raisingrrrl · 29/01/2009 09:37

OMG - scrap my last, I am fucking fuming!

Me and ds got back quite late from a friend's house last night, and ate separately from dh, and then went to bed. Dh, meanwhile, cooked himself some tea and washed up his own pots whilst leaving all the other washing up from the day - there wasn't much there, just a few cups and glasses and a plate. It feels like a deliberate insult - a total fuck you, coming from him.

So - I've decided that if we're not doing things for each other anymore, he can fuck off if he thinks I'm washing his clothes, cooking his meals or having him in my bed. The way I'm feeling right now I don't even want him at the birth - whenever it happens.

OP posts:
Ineedmorechocolatenow · 29/01/2009 09:44
Angry
dustbuster · 29/01/2009 09:49

Blimey - poor you. That would have me fuming too.

It sounds like he has some issues. I realise the timing's completely crap, but is there any way you could go to counselling together and talk through some of this? (Easier said than done, I know.)

Take care.

raisingrrrl · 29/01/2009 09:52

dust - he won't go to counselling. Not on his own, or couple's counselling. Have suggested it in the past. Nope, it feels like the end of the line, tbh. I guess now it's just a question of how long we can carry on living separate lives in the same house...

OP posts:
MadMarg · 29/01/2009 09:55

Sounds like you already have 2 toddlers to look after, and with the next one you'll have 3, the way he's acting, you poor thing.

dustbuster · 29/01/2009 09:59

So sorry for you. It is so hard to deal with something like this when you are pg AND looking after a toddler's needs 24/7.

I have gone through a similar thing of feeling let down and furious, and know exactly what you mean about wanting to do something to him. It is not a nice feeling at all.

We have now decided to separate and much to my relief a lot of the negative emotions and rage have disappeared. I'm not saying you should split, of course, perhaps this is a pre-baby wobble and he will pull himself together once the baby's here.

Do you have family or friends you can talk to about this - it's horrible to feel so alone. We had a dreadful row when I was in LABOUR, he said horrible things to me, and I have never told anyone about it, even though I am very open about things generally.

Hang on in there - as others have said, you will cope when the baby's here (I felt such a sense of relief at not being pg as soon as I'd given birth).

raisingrrrl · 29/01/2009 10:03

dust - i can't really talk to anyone IRL. I'm supposed to be the strong one, the one who copes out of our friends, and the trouble is that even if i do talk to any of my friends they'll all take my side. I need someone to be objective - someone like a counsellor - who doesn't have a vested interest in either me or dh, or us staying together.

I don't want to be a single mum with 2 kids. [sad[ I could just about cope with just ds but not with 2.

OP posts: