Or was dh in fact being a selfish twunt? (Absurdly long rant, sorry)

[raisingrrrl]

Small amount of background:

I am almost 37 weeks pg, with horrendous backache and v painful BH's. This baby wasn't planned, I'm not overly keen on having 2 kids, I'm not sure at all how I'm going to cope with a toddler and a newborn and I'm generally feeling a bit shite.

I went up to bed tonight, at just gone 11, fell asleep straight away. Both me and ds (he is still in our room) were woken up at half 12 by dh stumbling into our room - dh then proceeds to totally fail to get ds back to sleep, and gets really arsey with me when I tell him to just put ds in bed with us. I'm fucking fuming by this point anyway, because I've been woken up (should probably add that if ds gets too upset atm, he coughs a lot and is then sick, which I wanted to avoid at all costs) and will now have to sleep corkscrewed around ds which means I get no sleep and my back is fucked for the whole day.

I tell dh (in no uncertain terms) that he can fuck off to the spare room and sleep in there, and leave the big bed for me and ds (and my enormous bump) but he refuses on the grounds that I've told him to do it. Cue massive row about him moving out to the spare room, me asking him whether I'd rather me and ds moved out to the spare room instead and him basically telling me that I'm a fucking bitch because I've told him to do something. I'm of the opinion that he should have been more careful in the first place, then he wouldn't have woken me or ds up, ds wouldn't have needed to come into our bed, and the whole sorry saga needn't have happened.

Anyway, I manage to piss dh off to the extent that he goes off in a huff to the spare room, and I lie in bed (next to extremely wriggly ds) with v painful heartburn, crying and wondering what the hell just happened. I don't think it's too much to ask that you move out of the marital bed for a night, to make room for your son and your extremely pregnant wife, is it? But no, I managed to put his back up by telling him to move, and rather than sucking it up and accepting that I'm not at my most rational right now (what with being heavily pg - did I mention that?) and doing as he's asked - ok, told - he decides to make a massive issue out of it.

The upshot of all this is, I've come downstairs because I can't sleep. The washing up was undone, ds' toys were still strewn all over the floor, the place looked like a bomb had hit it. So I've washed up, I've picked all ds' toys up, I've tidied the house, and meanwhile dh is upstairs in the spare room FUCKING SNORING! It would be nice to believe that he even remotely thought about how I'm feeling right now, and how difficult it is for me to bend over and pick ds' stuff up, or how painful it is for me to bend over the sink washing up but I know that all he did while I was catching a precious hour's sleep was sit on his arse on the laptop and ignore all the fucking mess.

God I am so angry right now, I feel like storming up to the spare room and kicking him in the nuts, jumping up and down on his fat belly and then kicking him in the base of the spine just so he gets a tiny idea of what it's like to be pg.

(I was a regular MNer, I flounced deregistered, and if you've figured out who I am from this then please don't out me!)

He sounds very childish. Poor you.

I agree that toddler and newborn is, in fact, easier than being 37+ weeks pregnant. You no longer have heartburn and you can actually move.

Gosh, this rings a bell. Could you talk to your HV or GP about getting some counselling to talk things through?

It must be so hard to think about anything at the moment, with the birth looming and your dh being an arse. I bet things will seem a lot clearer once the baby's here.

Yes, the thought of being a single mum is scary, but there are some amazing MNers on the Lone Parent boards. There's a great recent "positive thread about being a lone parent" which I found quite inspiring.

Hopefully it won't come to that though - I think things often come to a bit of a head just before a baby comes, as everything's so tense.

Hang on in there.

Raising, why not just tell him he is being a twunt, inconsiderate, unhelpful twunt? Get it out in the open. No shouting, just get it out.

Get it back on an even keel before the baby comes because you'll both need to be strong then.

dust - last year when I was very down I was referred for counselling by my GP, but there's a massive waiting list for CBT (which is what I need, apparently) and I can't take ds, or there was a PND group with a creche which had an even bigger waiting list.

We could afford private counselling, but as I think I'd actually be ok if dh wasn't such a massive cock I don't really see the point. If dh would just take some responsibility for his own actions, and think about someone else other than himself once in a while I'd be much happier!

OneLieIn - just done that very thing! Any sort of confrontation will have to wait till this evening though, as he's at work. And as he probably won't finish work till gone 9, by which time I'm exhausted and ready for bed, the confrontation will consist of me screaming incoherently at him and crying and him going off in a huff!

Great!

"I'd actually be ok if dh wasn't such a massive cock"

I know the feeling! Getting them to take responsibility is the hardest thing. Agree with OneLieIn that confronting him calmly about his behaviour could be a good way to go.

Some counselling for you might help you get things off your chest though. Further up the thread you say that you can't really talk to anyone IRL - this is a lot to be going through on your own.

If a man cant be a bit helpful and understanding of his wife when she is heavily pregnant, he is a selfish pig. And you might be better off without him. We only really find out what someone is made of in hard times. This is the real him.

Try to talk to him about this stuff rationally. If he wont listen or makes it about you, I say throw him out (at least temp), then you wont be cleaning up after him, no more rows, and he may well get a wake up call. You are entitled to the house/flat, (do not go to a housing list etc,) you have kids, he would be the one to leave and he would have to pay to support you. So you do have options.

We've only just bought this house. Things were going so well for a bit.

raisingrrrl, you're worrying about the practicalities of being a single parent of two children, but when your baby arrives you'll basically be a single parent with three children, because your 'D'H is hardly behaving like an adult, is he?

Right - LEM barges in and bashes Rgirls and her DHs head together. Sorry but there sounds like there is lots of tit for tat and anger going on here. Yes, he is being a massive cock but i think you are very angry and hormonal just now too. I have a counsellor, i often go and rant about DP and she always ALWAYS manages to make me see that there are two sides to the story and what DP might be feeling (he refuses to come - men are like that, its cos they are scared of their own emotions!).

He may well have been offish and sarcastic with you yesterday but im willing to bet that actually you were a bit off with him too and you are reacting to each other??

Sorry, this seems really blunt and of course, he IS being a selfish twunt but unless you calm down (easier said than done) and start talking, you wont have to worry about him being at the birth, he'll be long gone and you'll both regret it for the rest of your lives. Yes, he needs to grow up and you need to communicate this to him but you have to pick your moments.

Good luck xxx

You say he won't go to counselling. If it's that or separation/divorce he might change his mind (my dh did).

I think you should get some counselling for yourself anyway. It will help you feel better about your situation and think more clearly. It will almost certainly give you the strength and confidence you need to deal with this situation calmly, thus helping you to have a more rational conversation with your dh about the things which are wrong and need to change.

Good luck.

I second what Jux said!

i agree that he should have moved, but surely this could have been handled better on all sides.
you say "I don't think it's too much to ask that you move out of the marital bed for a night, to make room for your son and your extremely pregnant wife, is it?"
but that's not what happened is it. you didn't ask, in your own words "I tell dh (in no uncertain terms) that he can fuck off to the spare room and sleep in there"
now can you really not see why that would get someones back up? i know that he should be the one to make sacrifices because you are pregnant, but can you imagine how you'd react if he ordered you "in no uncertain terms to fuck off", of course it would end in a fight no matter who was in the right or wrong.
so yes he should have moved, but i'd imagine that a lot of people would be unhappy about being spoken to that way.

Yes, you're right MayorQ. I guess what I was trying to get at was that I felt he should have moved himself rather than me needing to tell him to move.

But I accept he's not a mind reader.

I think possibly You were being very unreasonable in the way you 'asked' him to move into the other room and if I were him I think I would refuse to go too.

Oh - and you may not want another baby but at 37 weeks isn't it about time you got your head round that it is actually going to happen?

"or having him in my bed"

isn't it his bed too?

Sorry - I seem to have gone against the majority of other posters but I actually think you are being Very unreasonable. Why are you allowed to be mean, aggressive and rude but he is not? Perhaps the way he is behaving is happening because he feels got at all the time. Yes he should sympathise with your uncomfortableness but I don't see how he deserves all the stuff you seem to be throwing at him.

Agree with LEM. I think you both need to start making some some effort and some changes here and stop all this tit for tat stuff.

Treat him like you want to be treated yourself and calmly explain that you expect the same from him.

yanbu but it is easy to blow thing up when so close to baby coming, hormones can be evil. With DS1 & DS2 i nearly left DH towards end of pregnancy, not trying to downplay your circs but things can seem worse then. I hae 3 under 4 and never though i'd cope but you do, just make sure you take care of yourself, i had PND after DS1 and i was worried i wouln't cope with 2 before he came, think mindset important, look at the positives having 2 close means they entertain each other and can give you a break! hope all goes ok for you.

OMG Raisingrrrl...that is terrible. Give him the boot. What age is this man???12????

He really needs to get a grip!!!!

if there have been underlying issues beofer the pregnancy, it makes it even harder as you are now tired, hormonal and stressed.

do not threaten seperation unless you mean it. but if you were leaving before you found out you were pregnant, don;t think the baby will make it right or better, it won't .

don't stay for teh sake of teh children

individual and couples counselling is necessary and urgent

OMG. This sounds like me. But i've let it carry on for 17 years and 4 dc's. Fed up now, Have Dh brag to inlaws how much he does, but the whole time i'm thinking 'really', 'when'. I have also confronted him, Because he has this habit of belittleing me in public (even his parents, mates etc) and I get the o.k, i'll stop and I will help a bit more, and we will stop rowing for the kids sake, but then when things dont go his way or he get's stressed, I get called all the names under the sun, and he says he only said he was going to help more to shut me up! The icing on the cake was when eldest DD, came home last week after being out with DH, and said why does DD hate you mummy? When I asked her why she has said that, she said that's what DH had said to her. I'm crying now typing this as I feel so hurt.

Raisingrrl - have you considered moving into the spare room? Not only would you get an uninterrupted night's sleep but should your ds get disturbed / wake up in the night again your "dh" would have no choice other than to attend to him. If he commits the cardinal sin of waking you up to deal with your ds in the middle of the night I think you'll have your answer - he's a complete selfish twunt.

Also - if you're still fuming but want to solve this like adults then arrange a babysitter, take him to a quiet pub/restaurant and calmly tell him how you feel and that things have got to change if you're to remain together. He needs to see that he's allowing his work situation to threaten your relationship - bet he doesn't treat his mates the same? Don't stick with him just because you think it's more bearable than being a single parent.