to tell my Mum she can't buy that sofa bed from Ikea?

[suburbanjellybrain]

first some background - mum is on a very tiny income (Widows benefit and a tiny pension from my dads former employers) She is terrible with money is depressive and does not open bank statements etc.

She manages now but tends to spend what she gets every month. Two years ago I noticed a tax discrepancy that allowed her to pay off all debts and get rid of her overdraft so after years of debt and a permanent overdraft she has now a tiny buffer of £300 which she has not added too but is at least there.

Today she called and spoke to me about a sofa bed in ikea which is £150 - I questioned the wisdom of making this purchase as she has 2 and a 3 seater sofa and when people come to stay she can borrow a blow up bed from my sister. She really wants a new one - I do understand but I really think she need sto try and save some money if she wants this and not spend her tiny bit of buffer as she may need it for something urgent one day.

I know she is pissed off with me now have I overstepped the mark? Need some unbiased opinion - thank you if you have read all this.

All you can do is tell her why you think it might be a bad idea to eat into her buffer, but it's her decision ultimately isn't it?

Ps using a different name to my usual as not entirely comfortable broadcasting mums finances on tinterweb but our irritable convo today is playing on my mind - so need to have confirmation is was correct - or do I need to ring her and apologise?

I just have had to bail her out finacially too many times - I actually cashed in my pension in my twenties to pay off her debts so i REALLY DO NOT WANT TO BE heading that way again.

It is her decision - but if she buys it I may have to strangle her!

I can completely understand your frustration - I am very careful with money myself and can't understand the rush to have new stuff all the time - but it is your Mum's money and she can do what she likes with it.

Sorry it is a bit harsh of me but the anxiety she has caused to herself and her family by not budgeting or taking financial responsibility is immense.

I'd be tempted to ring her and, not exactly apologise, but explain that you are concerned that she doesn't have much spare and that you're worried if she spends half of it and doesn't have a way to top it up she could miss out on something she needs more urgently later. If you can get through to her that you're not trying to be bossy, she might listen more.

I can understand the irritation and frustration on your part, especially if you're likely to have to bail her out in the future if she spends this money. Not sure what you can do about it though, other than warn her that you won't bail her out next time. A difficult situation and no, I don't think YABU under the circs.

dh's mum is like this, and although it is her money to spend he does worry that she will turn to him if she ever needs house repairs/roof repair or anything urgent not covered by insurance

it is frustrating but i think you can only ring her, say how worried you are and remind her about the stress you had paying off her debts

I wouldn't be able to have that conversation with my parents but I know DH would be very comfortable having that conversation with his parents.

I agree with you that she should have a bit of a buffer.

Would it help to sit with her and do the sums and say if she put away £5 a week she would be able to buy it in the sales next January. (not sure though from what you have said if she has £5 a week spare)

what do you think?

Thank you for replies - the problem is that when I say something mum does not want to hear (which usually involves money ) - she sort of sticks her fingers in her ears and says lalala i'm not listening - it is like our roles have reversed!

let her get on with it then...but remind her that if she blows her savings on something so unecessary you will not be able to help her if she is in need of cash later

Are you allowed to cash in your pension? sorry for the complete hijack

you can cash in your contributions into a private pension..

So i couldnt cash in a old company pension then?

Thats ok Vinegartits - I was working for a local authority in the late 90's and therewas a change in policy which meant a loophole allowed me to either continue or cash in pension as long as i had paid in for less than 3 years. Lost a lot of value doing that and I regret doing it now but at 27 (I was young free and single of course then) I still thought retirement was a million years away...

I think you've made your feelings clear (and I agree with you) and you should leave her to it - don't bring it up again. It is exhausting being the sensible 'bad guy' and ultimately you can't stop her from doing it if she chooses to.

Actually I regret having to do it - mum was in dire straits then and I was glad to be able to help - just wish she wouldlearn!

Could you look on Freecycle or the local classified ads if she really has her heart set on a sofa bed? It needn't be a new one, surely. That way she gets the sofa bed she feels she needs, and the money stays put. If she hasn't got space for a sofa bed on top of the two existing sofas, maybe suggest she sells one of them before buying a new one, or see if there's anything else she could sell to 'make room' for this new furniture?

It is of course ultimately her decision, but YANBU to try and make her see the possible implications and suggest alternatives.

Thanks gaga - I suggested second hand the problem is she is hundreds of miles away - I even have a sofa bed she could have - but she is so bloody ungracious and rude when offered things like that - I just know that she will blame me if she doesn't buy the sofabed she wants and she is the queen of passive aggressive.

She doesn't feel confident buying second hand soft furnishings without someone with her as she has no sense of smell (born w/out it) - so cannot tell if something smells smoky or damp etc.

oh I am going to soak in a lush bubble bath and try to unwind my neck and shoulders grrrrrrrrrrrrrr mothers .... etc.

BTW thepowerofgreyskull - thanks I have made the savings suggestion - she has said breezily oh I am sure I can start saving some money if I try - she does babysitting so has a tiny bit of cash from that. However she bristled at my response that she needs to save before she buys the sofa. I don't believe till I see it and she did not like what I implied - ho hum.

If she won't listen then there is not much you can do EXCEPT make it clear you will not bail her out again.

I think you are incredibly generous to have done so once TBH and I am not sure I would if it was due to lavish / illconsidered overspending rather than eg nursing home fees

Can you establish the real neccesity of a new sofa bed with her? Sounded like she had enough seating - so what is the need for a new sofa bed? Could the problem be solved in a cheaper fashion?

I would let it go, if I were you. You can make it clear that you can't bail her out again (you were incredibly nice to do it last time). I think that in some ways that helping out financially can be a form of enabling behaviour, even though it's done out of love. If she thinks that you will bail her out again then deep down she doesn't see the need to look after her money.

God I am pathetic - I am sitting here crying ... just got off the phone with mum - she said she was in the car with her new £150 sofa - I was ringing to say me and my sis and bro were going to give her £150 in ikea vouchers for her bithday in a couple of weeks.

She was saying how happy she was so why do I feel like a f**king idiot and so angry with her?

Because you are sensible with your money, and because you hoped that she would learn to be sensible too, after she had got into so much trouble that her daughter had to cash in her pension to bail her out?

I understand where you're coming from, but I think this is a case where is isn't worth your time or energy worrying about her, as it'll make no difference.