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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at my dh I feel a bit desperate posting in here of all places!

26 replies

Megglevache · 25/01/2009 18:51

We went to a cafe for brunch this morning one that we hadn't been to since we had children.

The gist is there was a table of young lads causing a disturbance whilstling really loud and being cheeky about the female staff we were about to sit down a few tables away when dh decided to stare at them in an attempt to make them stop. It ended up with all four of them swearing and having a go at dh at this point, threatening all sorts I put my coat on ready to go and asked my dh to stop, of course typically everyone in the cafe was looking at the floor not helping dh at all.

I was left feeling really frightened and vulnerabl , I can stand up for myself but it was because I had my children with me and didn't want them to see their father arguing (or possibly much worse) I am so angry with him for putting us all in that position for no reason)

The lads left after much racial abuse and name calling (only then did two men come out of the kitchen and ask us if we were ok)the lads were hanging around outside and on mobile phones(I was crapping myself that we were going to get ambushed on the way out and dh knifed for his part)

After about 45 mins they left and I legged it to the car first with the children.

Dh is adamant that he did the right thing and I still am not. Surely he was an idiot to put us in that position given that only 6 months ago his best friend's child was beaten at the local park by 30 lads (5 mins away from this cafe) and pronounced dead at the scene (he was revived by paramedics)He says that if someone doesn;t stand up to these idiots that they will continue to think that they can get away with it.

It is so out of character for him I cannot quite believe it.

Sorry a bit of a rant. To be perfectly honest I think I am posting for a completely unbiased view as I'm so angry at him that it makes me dig my heels in even more.

WIBU?

OP posts:
traceybath · 25/01/2009 18:52

Well i think he did the right thing and set a good example to your children about standing up for other people.

However, do appreciate it was frightening for you.

fluffles · 25/01/2009 18:53

Oh god, i don't know the answer to this. Half of me thinks he should have put you and your LO first and stayed out of it, the other half is glad that people like him exist in this world and are willing to stand up to the scum and show them that behaviour like that isn't acceptable.

I don't know if YABU, you maybe should be a bit proud of him too?

hercules1 · 25/01/2009 18:55

Personally I'd rather be married to someone who is willing to speak up about anti social behaviour especially directed at innocent people - the staff- than someone who puts their head down and pretends it's not happening.

Original poster
Megglevache · 25/01/2009 18:56

but you know what they lads were being cheeky, they weren't being nasty, they weren't being foul, it was just horse play.

I think that my dh is on high alert mentally because of what happened to his friend's son.

It got heated when dh started to have a go at them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Megglevache · 25/01/2009 18:57

Oh dear perhaps I am a spineless sap and I should buy dh some shiny underpants to go over his slacks.

OP posts:
Pheebe · 25/01/2009 18:58

Hmm, I'm not sure. I think his intentions were right but the way he did it was well a bit erm pointless. I mean staring at them is just going to irriate them isn't it, it would irritate me. If he didn't want to confront them directly he should have complained to the management and asked them to do something, their cafe, their problem imo.

Sushipaws · 25/01/2009 18:59

I think your dh was just trying to be strong and protect his family, he didn't know the lads would turn threatening. Although I would never want to put my kids in a situation like that so I can understand why your angry.

I never used to be scared to sit on the top deck of the bus but now I never do, even when I don't have dd with me. I now look at people as being far more threatening than I used to. I can imagine it must be worse for you as you know a child who was attacked locally.

Perhaps your dh didn't see them as being that much of a threat and thought they wouldn't get agro in a cafe.

I don't thing you are being unreasonable but I think you've made your point and I'm sure your dh was a bit scared even if he doesn't want to admit it. He may not want you to think of him as weak.

dittany · 25/01/2009 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MillyR · 25/01/2009 18:59

I think you should have phoned the police. It is, after all, illegal to make racist remarks and you were made to feel intimidated.

Having said that, I have been mugged and didn't bother to report it.

ladycornyofsilke · 25/01/2009 19:00

If more people stood up to lads messing about like that then they would be less inclined to behave like that in the first place. I can understand why you wouldn't want your dh to do so though. Shame on the rest of the cafe for not supporting your dh when he was with his family.

kitbit · 25/01/2009 19:00

I think he's wonderful for standing up to them, however given that something so bad happened so close to where you were I think I would have rather he kept his head down for the sake of his family's safety.
It's a really tricky dilemma, if nobody ever stands up to anyone nothing will change but there's a lot of risk involved in being in that front line.

I think I'd be proud and cross at the same time.

ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 25/01/2009 19:00

It's about picking your battles, surely?

Stepping in is great and right - if there is a threat and if you think you can get a result.

Otherwise it can be foolish.

Original poster
Megglevache · 25/01/2009 19:06

he is a wonderful man but he does fuckwittish things sometimes that I just don't get.

Yes I do think it was foolish, if he had said come on lads that's enough, but to stare at them. Dh is a big man and can look quite menacing I suppose.

He stared at them and then when one of the lads said come on then dh pippe dup with "well there are only four of you, seems a bit unfair to you" FFS.

I did tell the cafe to call the police as they were being aggressive and racist and they brushed it off and said they'd never seen them before

OP posts:
QS · 25/01/2009 19:07

I think he should have kept his head down. The lads were not threatening to you, until your dh decided to stare at them. You dont stop rude behaviour with rudeness. If he had gone over to them and asked them to keep it down a bit, or let the management do that, it would have been a different matter.

We recently ended up in a similar situation in McDonalds in Wandsworth. DH was queueing to order, when a man bumped into him just as he had gotten our food. Dh just turned to look at him, and that was enough. The man threatened dh with violence, but as he did not want to cause a scene, he came to sit down and eat with us. (Me and our two young kids). As we were sitting at the table, the man kept staring at dh. In the end, dh called the police, and when the police came, he went to talk to them, and we could meanwhile leave, while the police were looking. Sometimes you just dont know what people will do.

Original poster
Megglevache · 25/01/2009 19:14

I'm sorry to hear that QS.

That's what I wanted to do. I was convinced they were congregating outside so they could attack him.

Thank you all for your comments. I feel that writing it all down has made me feel so much better.

OP posts:
happybeingme · 25/01/2009 20:11

Poor poor you. You must have been terrified mostly for the safety of your DC. YANBU at all, I would be really upset with my DH is did this. Have a stiff drink.

Kimi · 25/01/2009 20:25

Sad thing is because no one stands up to these idiots they do get away with it, even sadder is that some people who are decent and have morals have lost their lives to these idiots and their ilk.

Tis a bad world,

Original poster
Megglevache · 25/01/2009 20:49

Yes I know that you're right. I was sad today and hope that my son doesn't remember what his daddy was called and how terrified his mum must've looked

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 26/01/2009 05:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lowrib · 26/01/2009 14:50

YANBU.

Irrespective of who is morally right or wrong, on a practical level your husband's actions put you and your family in danger. There was no need to aggravate the situation in this way.

Although his intentions were honorable, his actions were irresponsible.

It's definitely safer to NOT aggravate nutters / racist wankers / groups of young men, if you can help it.

Nekabu · 26/01/2009 15:19

Perhaps your husband stared at them in order to let them know that they were audible/visible, other people in the cafe could actually hear and see them being twonks.

I can sympathise with you being scared (especially by them hanging around outside, which is probably why they did it) but if nobody ever stands up in a situation like that then we are effectively giving carte blanche to bullies/thugs. Who knows, if your husband hadn't acted, maybe the situation would have escalated.

ChippingIn · 26/01/2009 15:24

Aww come on - cut the guy some slack. I think it is great that there are still some guys out there who are prepared to stand up for what is right and what isn't - we need them (and more of them), to teach these yobs that they cannot just do as they please.

I think you would gain a bit more ground here if you thanked/congratulated him on doing this and then said to him that it might be better if he told them to 'knock it off' next time, rather than just staring at them. As, whilst I applaud his intent, I don't think his approach was the best one!

I can understand why you were upset/scared. I am much less confontational when I have the 2 LO's with me as I worry about them.

LOWRIB (and others), whilst I understand what you are saying, at what point as a society do we say 'enough is enough' and start to 'fight back' against this mentality? No-one else is going to do it for us?!

I'm & that we even have to be having these conversations - that people can't all behave halfway decent

troutpout · 26/01/2009 15:51

ooh..one foot in both camps from me
Errrm...if it was just mucking about...laughing, no nastiness and if noone was offended (ie the female staff) then i think he probably went a bit over the top tbh. Also...there were probably better ways of doing it rather than eyeballing them. My husband would have done the same btw and has done in the past...he is rather unforgiving of teenagers (be interesting how he sees it when we have some of our own).
However....i applaud his willingness to stand up to something he considers wrong.
There was just a bit of over-eagerness to see something wrong perhaps? Perhaps he is rather sensitive to this kind of behaviour and is a bit zero tolerance to it atm !understandably i guess)
That's what would probably have got my goat (his over the topness)...plus also he laid you and the kids open to it too.
Aaah dunno...

VinegarTits · 26/01/2009 16:08

Tbh i dont think a different approach to these yobs would have resulted in a better out come, they were there, showing off in front of each other, acting hard, taking the piss out of the staff

I think even if your DH had politely asked them to keep it down he would have still got into an argument with them, sounds like they were just waiting for someone to confront them, thats the mentality of these fuckwits

Give your dh a break, he was just proctecting his family, if your angry be angry at the yobs, or even more so at their parents, wtf kind of people are raising these idiots, need a good slapping i tell you

purpleduck · 26/01/2009 16:13

I think I would have been proud/cross as well.
I would hate for my dh to be the type to do nothing - I am very proud that he will help anyone in trouble.

HOWEVER, I remember a few years ago we were at the playpark and some teenagers were drinking and being really obnoxius - it just seemed like a tinderbox situation, and we went to the police rather than say anything - as we normally would have. Sometimes you have to temper the urge to mete out justice with some common sense.

That said - maybe he just misread the situation? If he is a big guy, maybe a "menacing stare" is usually enough?

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