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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do if your other half said this to his mum

29 replies

SweetAudrina · 24/01/2009 23:09

"What have I told you about being a retard?"

Would you say anything there and then? wait until you got home? stay out of it completely?

Imagine it was in ear shot of your kids but your DH and his family see nothing wrong in speaking to each other like this.

OP posts:
Hawkmoth · 24/01/2009 23:12

I've developed a very good response to this sort of thing generally:

  1. Suck in breath loudly
  2. Put hand on offender's shoulder
  3. Shake your head while saying, "Not appropriate"

The touch of drama and physical contact doesn't make you look like you've lost it, but still makes them stop and think.

Haribosmummy · 24/01/2009 23:13

I have two DSDs who would say that... In that context, I don't suppose I would find it that offensive (but mainly cos they aren't my kids and therefore not my night to discipline) I don't like the word.

If I heard another table say it, yeah, I;d probably stay out of it.

I think gaylord, reatard, spaz are 'in' words with teenagers at the mo.

Ronaldinhio · 24/01/2009 23:13

what is the am i being unreasonable question here?

saggyhairyarse · 24/01/2009 23:14

Oooo, very good HM, will store that for future reference.

Haribosmummy · 24/01/2009 23:14

Sorry, just to be clear: You are AT this table? Not something you heard?

saint2shoes · 24/01/2009 23:15

well if anyone used the word spaz in my house they would get a thump, in word or not

as for retard.....heres the door use it

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 24/01/2009 23:17

i would say (calmly but clearly).... it is really offensive to speak that way. please don't do it..... because it is. it is true lots of teens seem to think such language is ok. doesn't mean i have to agree / not say something if they do it in fron of me. if my dh said that i would do the same (and slap him when i got him home).

Haribosmummy · 24/01/2009 23:18

Well, saint2shoes: there are quite a few laws that says I won't thump my step kids .

I don't think most kids use these words really understanding the meaning (which is a problem) - my DSD1 called her father a gaylord reacently and when I pointed out that two wives and three kids POSSIBLY pointed to not being gay, she was really enbarrassed, she really hadn't thought about the LITERAL meaning.

saint2shoes · 24/01/2009 23:20

I said in my house, not yours.....in my house the word spaz in never used and nor is retard. But spaz is the ultimate no word.

Haribosmummy · 24/01/2009 23:20

OK, are you all HONESTLY saying you never used any derogatory terms when you were at school?

The words have changed, but the sentiments haven't.

HUman nature is difficult to change.

beanieb · 24/01/2009 23:21

would depend very much on how he said it.

Ronaldinhio · 24/01/2009 23:22

my brother called someone a paki at Christmas and I had a go at him for it.
Everyone thought I was being a pc nightmare
go figure

saint2shoes · 24/01/2009 23:24

Haribosmummy as I said Spaz is a never used in our house, ds would never use it and only ever use's retard in context(for example dh's meds are called retard as they are slow release)

Haribosmummy · 24/01/2009 23:26

I used to do that. Used to have a go at my family for ever mentioning the word Paki.

Before I went to Bradford Uni, And lived with 5 Asians. Who ALL called their parents Pakis (or TPs - Typical Pakis) - a reference to an old school...

I really get annoyed when names gets bandied about as 'racial' terms... LOADS of people refer to themselves as Paki, or Indian or Irish or English.

Paki isn't seen as a bad word in most Asian communities. I've lived there for too long to believe anyone who says it's offensive.

saint2shoes · 24/01/2009 23:28

but black people use the word n%%%%% but would a white person??

Haribosmummy · 24/01/2009 23:30

And somehow it's racist when a white person says it but not when a black person does? (which we all agree happens)

yeah... that's racist.

2shoes · 24/01/2009 23:32

but it is racist when a white person says it, same way when a non disabled perosn uses the word spaz they are being disablist

Haribosmummy · 24/01/2009 23:36

No they aren't. White able bodied people are the scum of the earth, just out to upset everyone else on hte planet.

A black or asian person callnig a white person a spooke is also raccist, but wouldn't be called (and I know, I;ve been called a spook more times that I could count)....

I don't think these things are said to upset set minoritiies, it's kids, kicking off at whatever they can...

As I said, I doubt many of you can honestly say you never did it as a kid.

Ronaldinhio · 24/01/2009 23:40

he was brought up better and is just brighter and more sensitive than to be allowed to use language like that. He knew exactly where I was coming from and his argument was that I know he is far from racist...his circle of influence has changed a great deal and those he works with use terms like this in everyday common parlance..now he does
Doesn't make it right or better though and I hate it and won't allow it when I'm around

My family genuinely though I was being a twat

2shoes · 24/01/2009 23:43

Haribosmummy I'll ask dd tommorow if the word spaz upsets her!!

(have to ask do you like haribos?)

lou33 · 25/01/2009 00:52

absolutely 100% with 2shoes on this

Pheebe · 25/01/2009 09:09

Getting back to the OP, this was an 'adult' talking to his mum like this not a child (or stepchild) Was he joking/trying to be funny?

Whether his family thinks its acceptable or not I think I'd have to say something along the lines of woo honey don't talk to your mum like that

Then there would be gentle questions at home alone...why do you talk to your mum like that, kids shouldn't hear that etc

You can't tell an adult his behaviour is 'unacceptable' in front of their family, they'd quite rightly be deeply insulted imo

Haribosmummy · 25/01/2009 11:35

2shoes - Sorry, I re-read this this morning and I can see how what I wrote might be insensitive.. Sorry, I was tired and (just a little!) grumpy... but my point is that kids will try to pick on a 'feature'... Kids I didn't get on with at school would call me big nose (in fairness, I do have a big nose). Of course, there were times it upset me (like the time one of the really cool boys at school announced that no-one should ever go out with me cos it would be like kissing pinnochio' and, you know, I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 19 and had gone to Uni... so, yes, I'm not saying that it can't be hurtful, what I'm saying that it really doesn't matter what the insult is (what the WORD is), if someone is going to have a pop, then they are going to find something...

That said, I do agree with what the OP (I think) meant which is such words and expressions shouldn't be condoned and (apologies) I missed that...

And, yes, I love Haribos... Tangfastics are my favourite. I was totally addicted to them when I was pregnant - so much so that my leaving pressie from work was a baby grow for the baby and loads of Haribos for me!

I hope you and your DD are having a nice sunday, whatever you are up to.

2shoes · 25/01/2009 11:48

Haribosmummy don't worry. I was very tired and emotional last nigt(add in a couple of drinks)
of course spaz and retard are not used in house.............cos dd has cp.

Haribosmummy · 25/01/2009 18:16

Thanks *2Shoes" - where would we be without MN to come when we are tired and emotional (and have had a drink! )

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