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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel so sorry for DH for being married to me?

39 replies

ThingsCanOnlyGetBetter · 24/01/2009 21:20

He is so gorgeous (got better looking with age) and I fancy him more now than when we got together!!. I was pretty gorgeous back then as well, a size 8-10. Fast forward 15 years (3 DCs later + 1 stillbirth) and am now size 22, smoke 20 a day (outside!) and am a complete wreck. Can't quite believe that he still wants to have sex with me . Have no friends as because of the weight, am a bit of a sociopath as well. DH works 12 hours a day and never complains that there is no dinner on the table (comes home late so does his own), that the house is not as clean as it could be and there is a 4ft pile of ironing propped up in the bedroom (does his own ironing too), never questions what I spend money on and is a great dad. I even feel guilty that he drives a crap old banger as had to trade in the Audi when we had a financial mishap a few years ago and are also in rented rather than our own house (lost that as well then due to MY great plan that blew up in our faces). We have no social life cos I'm a miserable ass and won't go out.Feel as if I have let him down and sometimes think he and the DCs would be better off with me gone and him remarrying someone more like him with loads of energy and a happy personality . I really feel that he has got the raw end of the deal. Keep trying to lose weight and quit the fags but can't quite manage it as am a weak, pathetic person. He tries to help me and wants me to feel better. AIBU to think that I don't deserve him?

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 24/01/2009 21:23

I think you sound very and somehow inadequate. Have you thought of getting some counselling to explore your feelings of low self-esteem?

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 24/01/2009 21:29

OK, because this is on AIBU, my answer is that YABU to feel sorry for him because he doesn't sound like he's got a problem with it.

You on the other hand sound really fed up. Anna has a point about counselling.

ZZZen · 24/01/2009 21:30

are you a SAHM? (Just asking re the housework/meals really)

Doesn't sound like you're happy. What sort ofthings did you do pre-kids that made you happy, had you feeling alive? Could you reintroduce any of that into your life?

nickschick · 24/01/2009 21:30

I think you sound fab,your not moping in what you see as your inadequacies.

Tackle a job at a time and slowly slowly - have 18 fags tomorrow and cut down,lose weight slowlt you didnt wake up 5 dress sizes bigger it happened over time -aim to fit into a favourite top etc and go from there.

Dont blame yourself life deals us shit cards its how we play em that counts.

MillyR · 24/01/2009 21:32

Maybe he thinks you're a wonderful mum and a lovely person and thinks he's lucky to be with someone nice.

duchesse · 24/01/2009 21:32

You sound as though your self-esteem is at rock-bottom. Your husband sounds gorgeous, and you must stop questioning why he stays with you and accept that he loves you. You sound as though you love him too. If you lack the motivation to lose weight, stop smoking, etc for yourself, can you do out of love for him? Also, have you ever had your thyroid levels checked? (hypothyroid might very well explain the weight gain and listlessness) I suggest going to your GP and explaining about everything you are suffering. Even if the recovery involves a spell on anti-depressants, this may be what you need at the moment to pick yourself up and start dealing with the rest.

Also, at the risk of courting controversiality, I'd say you probably need to go back to work for your own sanity and wellbeing. I wouldn't advocate this as a short-term goal, but it could be a medium-term plan to keep your eyes on while you set about the other changes.

Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? I reckon that he would provide you with any help you needed to achieve changes in your life.

I hope you start to feel more positive about things soon.

naswm · 24/01/2009 21:32

I dont think this should be in AIBU Things, you sound very down, 'reason' doenst come in to it. Have tyou spoken to anyone in rl about how you feel? GP? HV? Good friend?

Disenchanted3 · 24/01/2009 21:35

Gosh you sound like me.

DH is gorgeous as ever and Ive put on 3 stone, covered in stretch marks and crap at everything, can't even get my house organised

eekamoose · 24/01/2009 21:37

Oh dear, Things.

Fwiw you sound like a sensitive caring person with a very good sense of humour (honestly, it does come through) and I'm sure your DH is just as lucky to have you as you are to have him.

However, things have to improve somehow, because you do sound unhappy. Its not the smoking or the weight gain that really leap out at me its the "am a complete wreck", and the lack of desire to socialise.

Are you having any sort of help with your mental or physical health?

Leo9 · 24/01/2009 21:37

Agree you sound very down. There are clearly things about you that he loves and values and why the hell not - bearing him four children is a pretty damn amazing thing that no other woman has ever done for him?!!

How old are your kids? Are you a SAHM?

ZZZen · 24/01/2009 21:41

It doesn't sound ideal, no , but neither does it sound so bad you cannot gradually turn it around. It takes time to fall into certain habits and it takes time to drop them and make new ones.

How about something small but nice you could do every day to show dh how great he is and that you care (maybe you do heaps of this already). Don't know what your relationship is like atm but say get up earlier and bring him a morning cup in bed, something small like that. Take one room in your home and have a think about how to make it nicer, just a wee bit at a time.

How old are your dc and how much does looking after them drain you? Do you have time to go for a walk every morning whilst listening to some music you like?

Original poster

ThingsCanOnlyGetBetter · 24/01/2009 22:54

ZZZen - LOL at getting up earlier to bring him a morning cuppa - this morning he fed the kids and got ready for work, then brought me up a coffee before he went while my lazy ass was still in bed!!

I do have a low self esteem (can't quite figure out why, aside from being a fatty, that is!). Realise now that I had PND after DD was born and has developed into full blown depression as did'nt do anything about it.

DC all school age. Was working until 3 months ago and have been signed off with depression ever since and don't think I will be going back as need a part time rather than full time job. Have seen GP and am seeing a hynotherapist next week - as recommended by him.

Thanks for all your replies. I think it's seeing so many other posts complaining about DHs/DPs that makes me feel bad as I have nothing to complain about at all and I feel even more that I don't deserve him.

Think I have been feeling rather maudlin tonight as heard about an acquaintance losing her DH and I suddenly started thinking about what if, god forbid, something happened to mine. He has put up with so much moody crap from me and I really want him to have the wife he thought he got when he married me .

OP posts:

Leo9 · 24/01/2009 23:27

You're already doing the absolute best thing you could do for your DH - you're admitting you're depressed and getting treatment.

Hopefully you'll 'find' yourself again; after pregnancy and motherhood (and work in the mix as well) it is very hard IMO to retain a sense of yourself specially when you are depressed.

Get that sense of yourself back and all will follow, IMO. Part time work sounds a really good idea, when you're ready. Use the time when the kids are at school to do things for yourself and don't feel guilty about it!

Janni · 25/01/2009 02:34

He sounds lovely and you sound like a sensitive person who can see what's what. You are very hard on yourself and that will not help you make the changes you want to make.

BTW FWIW I don't smoke and am not overweight but still think my DH is unlucky to be married to me because I'm not much fun and tend to be too critical. I think we need to love and accept ourselves as we are if we want to change because beating ourselves up about things we don't like tends to make those bad habits even more entrenched.

naswm · 25/01/2009 18:41

How are you today Things?

Original poster

ThingsCanOnlyGetBetter · 25/01/2009 23:16

naswm - better today thanks, feel a bit silly . Think I had a bad case of the blues last night.

OP posts:

Ronaldinhio · 25/01/2009 23:24

yabu

life happens often and hijacks your ideal picture of yourself and your life.
If you are lucky enough you have a dp who loves you throughout it.

I put on nearly 6 stone once because I was ill....the weight gain seemed worse to me than the preceding cancer

What a twat I was

You need to figure it out and maybe seeing a counsellor will help you, it did me.
Then you will be free to enjoy your life and relationship and appreciate the life that you have and the blessings
(I don't mean this to seem like a lecture in any way)

Misterblister · 26/01/2009 00:39

YABU

He doesn't think he's unlucky - clearly he is a man of taste and discernment who recognises a wonderful woman when he's married to one.

Desiderata · 26/01/2009 00:48

OK, gorgeous, here's another perspective. The one you need to here.

A size 22 is morbidly obese. If you don't get a grip on this, you're going to die.

Your husband is enabling you to do this. Somebody is feeding you, and that somebody needs to stop it.

As a child, I would be fearfully embarrassed by a fat mum. Do it for them, if not for yourself.

dsrplus8haggisandneeps · 26/01/2009 01:32

bit harsh there d! op go get some anti depresants, treat yourself to a new hairdo/makeup/ sexy outfit. your dh clearly loves you and for his sake please learn to love yourself a little.make an effort, get a baby sitter and have some growup time wit your dh, he sounds lovely, but hes also lucky to have you too. make a list of your good points and add to it every day! hope you soon feel better!

KnickersOnMaHead · 26/01/2009 04:12

Message withdrawn

67Impala · 26/01/2009 09:55

Your story sounds very similar to mine. I had PND after first child but it wasn't recognised. Then had another child and soon after that the first one nearly died and my Dad had suffered a major heart attack.

I ended up collapsed on the floor of the disabled toilets on the phone to my husband crying that I couldn't go on anymore.
That was a year and a half ago.
At my worst I feel like a burden to my DH and DCs and incapable of anything.

The other day I wondered if the world would really miss me if I was gone and I know deep down that there are so many people who would be upset.

You sound like someone who should see a Dr like I did and don't think about what you haven't done, but what you have. Glass half full and all that.

Baby steps... xxx

purpleduck · 26/01/2009 10:26

Thingscanonlygetbetter:
Make sure that the Hypnotherapist has experience dealing with depression, and please don't give up if things don't go to plan right away - there are many reasons for depression, and it may take a few tries to find the solution that is right for you.

For starters though, take one tiny step at a time - set a goal for today - perhaps tidy the kitchen - put on some happy music, and just do a tiny bit at a time.
Or if that is too much, just make the beds. Tiny steps.

Good Luck, and well done for making a move to change things for the better.

naswm · 26/01/2009 12:03

No need to feel silly. CAT me if you want to chat any time {{{{}}}}

Original poster

ThingsCanOnlyGetBetter · 26/01/2009 15:20

Desiderata - my husband does not feed me actually - he would like more than anything for me to lose weight but he never puts me down (although he does often ask me why I need to eat 3 slices of hot buttered toast before bed!!). I am 5ft 8in so am actually obese not morbidly obese. I could do without your stupid comments thanks .

I am now on Day 6 of my regime of walking 5 miles a day (even in heavy rain) and loving it and feeling better already. Hypno on Weds and looking forward that. I think that I have got into the 'habit' of being fat and depressed so hope the hypno will work.

Will post again soon with an update cos maybe someone else may want to give it a go. Thanks for all your kind words Ladies (excepting Desiderata of course).

OP posts:

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