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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an 8 year old boy to kiss his grandma?

49 replies

MrsSnape · 23/01/2009 14:10

My DS2 was in an acheivement assembly this morning. It's not often demon child DS2 gets these kinds of acheivements so my mum made a special trip to get all the way to the school from the other side of the city, in rush hour traffic, by taxi for 9am.

Anyway afterwards, she asked DS for a kiss and he said no, playfully at first but then quite sternly and he meant it.

I felt a bit upset for my mum but then he is 8...aibu for thinking he was rude?

OP posts:
bellabelly · 23/01/2009 14:11

Oh god, I remember being forced to kiss grandparents and other elderly relatives. I hated it. I grew out of that stage at some point and I'm sure your DS will too.

MmeLindt · 23/01/2009 14:12

No, you can expect him to be polite to her but not to kiss her if he does not want to.

Lulumama · 23/01/2009 14:14

he is at jsut the age he won;t want to and certainly should not be forced to

Guadalupe · 23/01/2009 14:14

I was forced to kiss people as a child and I hated it. All those powdery pappy jowels.

I wouldn't make mine but they seem happy to do it.

coppertop · 23/01/2009 14:15

YABU.

I teach mine that they don't have to hug or kiss anyone if it makes them feel uncomfortable.

She asked and he said no. That's not being rude IMHO.

GrapefruitMoon · 23/01/2009 14:17

This was at school, in front of his friends? My similarly aged ds won't kiss me goodbye at the school gate - and he's a v. affectionate child at home... YABU

Ashantai · 23/01/2009 14:18

YABU, my 5 yr old son runs a mile from being kissed by anyone. Even i'm not immune sometimes!!

He always shouts "I'M A BOY, I DONT LIKE KISSES!". He is very free with cuddles, but has to be in the mood for a kiss

Reallytired · 23/01/2009 14:18

No, its wrong to force an eight year old or any other child to kiss someone. He has rights as well. Our children have the right not to be touched or forced to give affection.

Anyway it sounds like your ds was assertive rather than rude, he said no and when had to repeat himself in a more stern voice when no was not taken for an answer.

I realise that your mum might be hurt, but ultimately that is her problem rather than his.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 23/01/2009 14:20

Yes, absolutely unreasonable.

You can't tell children on the one hand that they have the absolute right not to be touched by anyone in a way that they don't like, and then on the other hand tell them they have to kiss someone when they don't want to.

hunkermunker · 23/01/2009 14:20

I don't think forcing children to be affectionate is a good idea, even with parents and grandparents. It must've been upsetting for your mum, but really, I would never push a child to show such affection if they were uncomfortable with it.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 23/01/2009 14:23

Yes ok, I see now that it was unreasonable. It just shocks you sometimes how quickly they grow up DS1 (10) saw us during the assembly and barely even looked in our direction. It seems like only yesterday he would wave frantically at us with a huge grin on his face

My mum just tends to take everything really personally and I felt a bit sorry for her but thinking about it, DS stopped kissing me at the school gates last year, I'm lucky if I even get a "goodbye" these days.

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 23/01/2009 14:24

sorry, but YABU! Your mum will surely understand it is nothing personal, but lots of little boys don't like kissing adults.

You reminded me there of my little cousin, aged 5, when my aunt tried to make him kiss our uncle (aunt's BIL, who always tried a bit hard with the pomade and the aftershave). In front of the whole family, my aunt cajoled said cousin to "Go on..give your uncle X a kiss. Go ON!" To which my cousin wailed "But I don't like his SMELL!" We all tried not to fall about laughing in the uncomfortable silence that followed.

So IME it doesn't pay to push it!

gingerninja · 23/01/2009 14:24

I don't think he should be forced to kiss anyone. My DD is only two and much to my disappointment doesn't like to be kissed all that much. But, I respect her boundaries and we just hug. I think everyone, regardless of their age, should be able to dictate who they allow physical affection from.

smudgethepuppydog · 23/01/2009 14:52

I don't think it's unreasonable that he doesn't want to be kissed either but maybe you could explain to him that the words he used upset his grandma? I think we should actively teach children that their bodies are their own and no-one has the right to kiss/touch them if the child doesn't want to be kissed/touched.

claw3 · 23/01/2009 15:08

No children want to kiss grandma's at best they have whiskers and tashes! At worse they smell of lavender, digestive biscuits and wee

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 23/01/2009 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TamartorousBeastie · 23/01/2009 15:10

She asked he said no, what else was he supposed to say smudge?

I agree with the rest no one should be forced to kiss anyone.

nailpolish · 23/01/2009 15:12

YABVU

he should nt have to apologise, it doesnt sound as if he did anythingw wrong

JeanieG · 23/01/2009 15:18

My DS has never been happy to kiss or hug anyone. DD1 would snog the gob off, and huc the life from anybody that comes near her. She is very affectionate, DS not so.

mrshammond · 23/01/2009 15:20

Oh you would all love my Mum! She looks after DS (3.5) twice a week and there is a ritual that goes on EVERY TIME where she asks him for a kiss, he says no, she pretends to cry (!), he still says no, she goes on and on, he concedes and blows a kiss, she still goes on and on etc etc. It takes me about 10 minutes to get out of the door!! (I know, I know, I should grow a spine and tell her to shut up but that's a whole other thread!)

Don't make him do it!

duchesse · 23/01/2009 15:22

My son refused all kissing from the age of 6 onwards. Since about half our family is French, this might have become a problem. I got around by telling him that it was fair enough not to kiss (even it is a perfectly widely accepted practise), but that it was rude not to acknowledge or communicate with people. He agreed to shake hands instead, and has been shaking hands perfectly happily since then. Now 15, he is even starting to be more touchy-feely again.

nickschick · 23/01/2009 15:24

I myself am not a very kissy person with other adults my own fil kisses me on the head because he realised how my childhood affected me - and I dont mean in the sitution you described mrssnape a lot of stuff i was forced to do as a child as affected me as an adult- i think you should remind your lovely ds that he doesnt have to iss people but good manners rent optional a fone call to say thnkyou to nanna should suffice for this time next time he will know better.

wll done master snape on your award xx

nailpolish · 23/01/2009 15:26

"next time he will know better."

whats that supposed to mean? i think he did very well - not rude at all

nickschick · 23/01/2009 15:31

next time he will know not to refuse to kiss nanna in the way he did just a hug or a cheery thanks nanna - thats what i meant nailpolish.

It isnt rude how he behaved but I think he could have thaned her.

costababe · 23/01/2009 15:33

my d2 6 will roll his eyes heavenwards when asked for a kiss then scrub it off furiously with his hand if he receives one in return.
Its difficult because we perceive this to be a manners thing and its soo not! A thanks for coming nanna would be nice and is manners but a kiss is not if he objects.
Not sure that makes sense but you know what i mean