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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect an 8 year old boy to kiss his grandma?

49 replies

MrsSnape · 23/01/2009 14:10

My DS2 was in an acheivement assembly this morning. It's not often demon child DS2 gets these kinds of acheivements so my mum made a special trip to get all the way to the school from the other side of the city, in rush hour traffic, by taxi for 9am.

Anyway afterwards, she asked DS for a kiss and he said no, playfully at first but then quite sternly and he meant it.

I felt a bit upset for my mum but then he is 8...aibu for thinking he was rude?

OP posts:

bustle · 27/01/2009 22:02

My Mum used to take dd1 into a Salvation Army coffee shop when she was about 2 and all the old ladies would want to kiss her. DD1 hated it - I told her it was OK to say "No thank you" if one of them asked for a kiss. It was harder convincing Mum that dd1 shouldn't have to kiss them...

mumeeee · 27/01/2009 23:53

YABU.

lisad123 · 28/01/2009 00:00

YABU, why force a child to kiss someone, you wouldnt do it as an adult would you?
I teach protective behaviours group and one main thing is you dont have to do things that make you have funny feelings in your tummy! sorry but i think polite "no thanks" should have been enough

MadamDeathstare · 28/01/2009 02:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JodieO · 28/01/2009 02:13

Definitely shouldn't force a child to kiss anyone. My ds1 (5) doesn't always want to kiss his grandparents.

mindalina · 28/01/2009 02:19

go home and die

that's awful
poor mil

very funny to read though sorry

twentypence · 28/01/2009 04:53

To not kiss her - no, he shouldn't have to.

He should however thank her for coming to his assembly.

seeker · 28/01/2009 06:24

He wasn't rude not to want to kiss her. No one shold have to kiss someone they don't want to.

But I wonder whether 8 is old enough to understand that you have to be careful not to upset people, and that he should have given her a quick hug, or something like that? Maybe it's worth having a conversation along those lines?

And of course he should have thanked her properly for coming to his assembly.

She was bonkers to ask, though!

Furball · 28/01/2009 06:53

my mil is a kissy person. She used to kiss ds and flutter her eyelashes on his cheek. [yuck] Ds from about 3 decided that he didn't want to. We told him that if he didn't want to, then he didn't have to, we explained to mil that that was his decision and thats been the end of it.

nooka · 28/01/2009 07:10

My ds (9) has suddenly decided that he needs several good night kisses, and that he must give me one too. I find it most surprising . I'd not suggest to him that he should kiss anyone else, I think these things should be spontaneous. But it is good to talk to children about ways to say thank you and/or express love, and what expectations other people might have. I went through a phase of hating to be touched, and saying goodbye to visiting family was always a bit of a torture for me. It would have been good to have had some support from my parents in thinking how I could have managed it better.

kslatts · 28/01/2009 08:00

My dd's are very happy to hug and kiss their grandparents, but I think at school in front of their friends is different.

dd2 won't go to bed without a big hug and a kiss from me or dh, but if I was to ask her for a kiss in the playground she would probably run away.

YABU to make your child kiss your mum.

Divineintervention · 28/01/2009 08:07

WE all were made to do it and none of us are damaged by giving kisses to GPs are we? In this child centric (no happier) society why shouldn't we think about Granny more than child? A kiss on the cheek won't kill him! I would talk about how it makes the GPs feel when he doesn't give them a kiss, which is a second in his day! He wasn't being rude but he was not thinking of his GM and how she would feel.
The j=kissing in front of friends is different, my ds hasn't done that since reception as two boys made fun of him. So we have a kiss before we leave the hous e and a special handshake at school.

tigermoth · 28/01/2009 08:09

I can see how a 9 year old would not want to kiss his grandmother (or anyone) in front of his friends at school. My 9 year old is the same - he's very huggy at home, just not in public.

Any chance your son could also have been a bit embarrassed to have gone up on the stage to get the prize? Perhaps his friends were teasing him about it.

Could you get your son to make a nice 'thank you' card for his grandmother - someithing along the lines of 'achievement award for being the best grandmother'

Iamnotme · 28/01/2009 08:40

in answer to the op yabu. ds(now 16) went through this as did my nephew(now 25) it is just an age thing. they get over it. both ds and dn think nothing of hugging and kissing their nan now.

seeker · 28/01/2009 09:17

"She used to kiss ds and flutter her eyelashes on his cheek. [yuck]"

Wy is that yuck? We do it all the time - it's called a butterfly kiss!

Furball · 28/01/2009 09:55

seeker - don't know why I think it yuck but ds did too, he used to hate it and struggle to get away. Of course it would be different if it were my eyelashes

joyfuleyes · 28/01/2009 11:35

YABU a child should never be forced or coerced into making unwanted physical contact with anyone. I would never expect my children to kiss/hug anyone they didn't want to.

tigermoth · 28/01/2009 13:22

I can see what you mean, joyfuleyes, but on the other hand, what if your child's grandmother has few relatives to give her hugs?

Many grandmothers are widows with no dh to cuddle, their own children have flown the nest, they may not see their grandchildren often, so in their daily lives, they have little physical contact with any of their family. They may be really starved of physical affection.

As mothers, it's so easy to take for granted the close physical contact we have with our children (and partners if we have one).

WinkyWinkola · 28/01/2009 14:29

I'd never force anyone to give me a kiss if they didn't want to! Blimey. Isn't it up the kid to decide for himself? I hated kissing relatives as a kid. Bleurgh! It's normal.

He might be becoming a wee bit self conscious about silly things like this.

If you force it, he'll really start to resent it.

Just carry on greeting your mum with your usual physical warmth and he will come to see that it's just a normal way to greet people.

PandaG · 28/01/2009 14:38

DS is usually still happy to kiss his GPs (but I doubt he would in front of his peers). We suggest a high 5 if a family member wants acknowledgement but DS does not want to kiss them.

I come from an extended family who always kiss each other on meeting and leaving (often only see each other once a year), so the high 5 works well for a 9yo who does not want to be rude or coerced into a kiss. In very formal situations he may shake hands.

DaphneMoon · 28/01/2009 14:40

My DS also 8 hates kissing now. He has even stopped kissing me now But he knows it is polite to kiss Grandmas etc and then proceeds to hug me afterwards whilst deftly wiping his lips on my front! He knows that I know why he does this and I always give him a little smile because I know he is wiping the kiss off! Sometimes when I kiss him goodnight and go out the room, I race back in and say I saw that and he says what? and I say I saw you wipe my kiss off. We just laugh about it, but I know he doesn't like doing it, but I think it is quite sweet that he kisses because he wants to be polite.

mrsmaidamess · 28/01/2009 14:42

I used to be told to sit on my 'uncles' knee when I was about 11, and far too old, and I hated it.

So I would never push my child into physical contact with a relative.

If they have any understanding of children at all, they will know not to take it personally.

tiredsville · 28/01/2009 14:50

Poor little thing, no HE is NBU. My DS would be horrified if his nan made him kiss her in front of his little croanies.

nooka · 29/01/2009 03:01

I still hug and kiss my mother, so if the children don't want to do so she is not starved of affection. My children are just a little unpredictable, sometimes they will go out of their way to be lovely to their GPs, and other times they will be very off-hand. Difficult to force these things without it being fairly obvious it's not wanted surely?

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