To refuse to visit PIL's, long sorry

[AnnoyedbyPIL]

Name changer here. I overheard a phone conversation between my DH and his parents which involved him asking them when they were going to visit us. A bit of history first, my PIL live over 100 miles away from us and when they visit we have no room for them to stay overnight so they would have to stay in a hotel, although they have visited us just for the day in the past before DS was born 6 months ago. They have only visited us once when DS was a week old and haven't been since it's always us going to them, which costs a bomb in fuel and we are not minted.
We have been to stay with them at their house 3 times for long weekends and for 5 days over Christmas, it is a pain in the ass cos we have to take loads of stuff for DS. When we were there over xmas MIL made a few comments to me about DS naptimes, he has 3 naps a day between his feeds cos he gets tired and really upset. She kept saying things like oh he isn't tired and when I told her I thought he was and he needed a nap she would say stuff like oh he may not settle cos he isn't tired, this really got on my tits BTW.
Anyway back to the phone conversation. I overheard DH asking them when they would be coming to see us cos we had been to see them lots. He then began describing DS nap routine to them and I got the impression that they have said to him they don't see the point in coming to see us cos DS naps too much and they won't see him. I haven't asked him about this yet. If this is the case am I wrong to be really annoyed by this especially when DH makes a big song and dance about how they don't see DS very often? I just feel like saying well if he isn't entertaining enough for them then they can feck off if they think I am dragging him down there cos he will be having his naps when is there too so they might as well not see him til he is 3 years old and won't be napping in the daytime anymore. I spoke to DH about his Mum's comments and he said oh it's just cos she doesn't see him very often and I should bite my tongue cos she would be really upset if I told her to butt out. I feel like she is questioning me and thinks I am wrong. When I do speak to DH about this would it be unreasonable of me to refuse to visit them until they come and visit us?

just tell him you don't want to go as it's far easier for them to vist you rather than you visiting them....if they want to see their son then your dh can visit alone once in a while surely?

So, if you've invited them, nad it appears they might be saying no because DS will be asleep, then the ball's in their court, isn't it. They can't really complain about not seeing him if they won't come. The nap business is going to be there in either venue. He's only napping too much during the day if he won't sleep at night, surely.

It sounds like you are a little oversensitive and that you don't really like your PILs and that the nap comment is a bit of an excuse for you to back out.

If you really wanted to see them, dragging stuff for one baby- particularly if you have a car- wouldn't seem that much. Dh and I are both fond of our respective ILs, so taking a baby and a toddler (or lately a disabled child with wheelchair) on public transport doesn't seem too much to pay to get to see them. Nor does sleeping on the floor to make sure they can have a bed to sleep in.

The problem is that your dh may realise ther reason for your lack of enthusiasm. They are after all his parents.

The other thing is, they are your ds's grandparents. He has a right to a relationship with them that is not defined by your dislikes (unless they are criminals/drug addicts/really really seriously unpleasant). My Mum didn't like her MIL much, but I didn't thank her for showing that- she was still my Gran and I wanted to be fond of her.

Would it be possible for you not to mind quite so much if she makes a small remark about your parenting? It doesn't seem such a terribly hurtful thing to say, and having a Gran is still a great gift for your son.

If you could think about it as being more about him and less about you, that would help. Maybe make fewer trips, but not flounce off and refuse to see them. You never know what might happen. My ds's Granddad died when he was 2, but it still means a lot to him to see the photos of them together and hear about how much fun they had, even if he can't remember it.

He sleeps beautifully at night, 11 hours. I just know its MIL way of saying she thinks he naps too much, if they really miss him that much then they love to see him for the time he is awake, which is at least 2 hours at a time between feeds and he only has cat naps of 45 mins each. I just feel like saying bollocks to them they won't be seeing until they come and visit us.

Cory it costs a fortune in petrol for us to see them, it would be nice if they could take it in turns to come here. It just seems to me that they cannot be arsed to come here. I like my PIL, we get on well but I just think they can be a bit selfish sometimes with this typr of thing.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but this is your first baby right?

I'm presuming that as your ds has very specific naps, he is in a routine? Ime I have found that this is something which lots of people have very different issues on, and people who have never had routines for their own babies find them very hard to deal with, because they find them too rigid/they can't understand the baby's need to be fed/have a sleep at certain times because their own babies never did it that way and they were all fine.

I would say that it's not so much that your mil thinks your ds naps too much, but that she finds it hard to fit in with the idea that "he needs his nap now," when perhaps she has other things in mind. But as a new mum, you see this as undermining your parenting, and as a new mum, anything said contrary to the way you're doing something can be viewed as a criticism of the way you're doing things.

My own ILs had exactly the same issues with the way we were bringing up ds. Except it got a lot nastier than this, with me being told by Fil that the way I was bringing him up was harmful to him and my sil telling dh that it was our fault that ds was hungry because we always fed him at certain times .

At the end of the day, it's not a personality clash just more a clash of ideas. And in reality the whole routine thing won't last for ever, within the next six months he will probably have dropped two naps and be on only one nap a day.

So I would say that it's a bit much to get so annoyed over something which is really only going to be a very small part of your lives.

I understand, and it is reasonable to explain to them that you can't afford to go too often. My family have had to accept that- but then they live abroad.

But don't stop going altogether. And make it clear to your dh that you are worried about expenses, not about you making more of an effort than they are.

Maybe you could arrange some way of making it easier/cheaper for them to stay with you.

YANBU to say that they should share the load of visiting. I wouldn't however say that you are never going to and see them.

I think a compromise could be reached by saying one in one off IYSWIM. They come to you and then it is your turn to see them. Also how about meeting at a half way point once in a while and go for lunch and a nice day out.

Your MIL should not be complaining about not seeing your DS if she is not willing to make the effort. Also it is non of her business WRT how much your DS naps. Just smile, nod along and change the subject, all the while singing 'la la la' in your head.

This is our first baby he is in a routine of sorts but it isn't a strict timetable, he goes for a nap when he starts rubbing his eyes and getting grumpy which is usually after a couple of hours of being awake. I don't mind if she doesn't agree with me cos at the end of the day I am DS Mum, I spend all day every day with him and so I know when he's tired etc. I just think it's a bit mean to say they don't want to visit us cos DS has lots of naps and they won't get to see him as much as they want to. I am not stopping them from seeing DS, they are welcome to come here anytime and we are very welcoming to them. Do you think they are being unreasonable?

They will regret it if they miss his early months....

I don't think she complains about not seeing him it's more my DH wants them to see him, I think he feels guilty cos my parents live nearer us and see him more often than they do.
However if they don't want to visit us just because they don't like the fact he has daytime naps I don't see why we should be going to see them all the time.

The thing is if your DS needs a nap he needs a nap regardless of what your MIL thinks. If she is using that as an excuse not to come and visit and then complains that she never gets to see your DS then yes she is BU. That is not fair and it takes give and take on both sides to make a family work.

On the other hand to say you will never go to see them again because of this YABU. But I do see why you would want to. (I also have a very stressful relationship with my PIL, but it is a lot nastier)

If generally you get on well with them then I would try to work out a compromise WRT to visiting.

I know I don't sound like I understand you, I do, I have been there (I am still there lol) but for your DS and DH's sake I would say try to reach a compromise. If your PIL are not willing to reach a compromise then they ABU.

You shouldn't be going to see them all of the time if they are not willing to visit purely because of your DS's naps, but do not stop visiting completely.

That way you are remaining reasonable and if challenged by PIL or DH WRT them hardly seeing DS you can at least say well we make the effort if they want to see him more they need to make the effort.

I agree 100 miles is expensive to do all of the time and your PIL should take on that journey if they wish to see DS more.

Also I would thoroughly recommend that you meet half way for a day, leave early (take the pram/pushchair) so DS can nap. Let MIL push him. Have lunch and spend a nice day together, everyone is happy.

We have met with them half way twice now already which was nice. I haven't spoken to DH about his conversation yet, I don't know how to handle it do you think I should tell DH I think his parents are out of order?

Be smiley and beeezy.. say 'oh yes, when are PIL coming?'

if he says they are not and that you should go up there just say
'oh no, it's definitely their time to come here, we have ben up the last x times and were there for 5 days at christmas..!'

then act flabbergasted thathey don't want to visit and politely decline each time he hintsyou should go up there

No I don't think you will achieve anything positive by telling your DH that his parents are out of order. I do however think that you should come up with a compromise as I have said and set it all out in your own mind and then speak to DH about it.

I would sit him down and say right then how about we do A, B and C one month and then the next month your parents do X, Y and Z. Then once every 8 weeks or so (if money available) suggest to DH that you meet up half way. As you say you know it works and have had a nice time.
That is a reasonable compromise on both sides I think and if PIL say otherwise then suggest to your DH that they are being a bit unreasonable as you have gone out of yor way to make a good all round compromise.

If you remain reasonable your PIL cannot suggest that you are being unreasonable without them seeming unreasonable and your DH will notice that.

Can you tell I have been there and learned this the hard way. Now my DH backs me up to the hilt as he sees that his parents are very unreasonable after I suggested a 'plan of action' (not unlike the one above).

If you need anymore advice on dealing with PIL on this level please ask I have loads of hints and tips lol.

Oooh DDF's idea is better than mine do that.

I think you seem to have some issues about your that go beyond this. It would do no harm imo for your child to not always nap - especially if mil wants to take him and look after him while he is tired and fractious. If he is!

It may cost you alot but but it cost them alot more to stay in a hotel! Do you only have a one bed flat btw?

"It sounds like you are a little oversensitive and that you don't really like your PILs and that the nap comment is a bit of an excuse for you to back out. "

Yes. Quite.

Your child will not spontaneously combust if his routine is broken. There are some children who have reached school age without ever having a routine. It is possible. And the visit of doring GPs seems a good reason to do so.

It does seem a bit unfair to expect your PILs to troll over to you. Especially when they have to stay in a hotel. And a 200 mile round trip is a bit much for a day. Maybe they aren't minted either. It needs to be turn and turn about. I do agree that it's unfair for them to expect you to do it all the time though.

Are you sure that was exactly what she said on the phone? Are you perhaps extrapolating a little wildly?

Um, you "got the impression" that they had asked about DS's nap routine but you haven't asked DH??? So you are getting really annoyed about an imaginary conversation?! Maybe DH was telling them about DH's nap routine so they would be aware of it in advance and not (say) arrive at 11am expecting to see him, when it was the middle of his nap time. I know we were forever explaining to visitors when baby DS napped so that they could organise their visits round it!

It's pretty clear that you don't like you PiL but as others have said you should still make an effort for the sake of your DS. I'm guessing your DS is still pretty young so is it at all possible that MiL has made an innocent remark and you have taken it as criticism (particularly if you feel a little unsure yourself)? Maybe she is trying to help or at least means well, even if it doesn't best come across.

Decide how frequently you want to see your PiL, maybe every 6 weeks, once a month? Whatever? And go and see them that frequently. If they want to come more they can.

Also, to say that my PiL are a similar distance away from us and when DS was little they assumed that we would always go to them and we would come more often than we did. Eventually I realised that this is because all of MiL's friends had their grandchildren round regularly and saw them every week ... but they lived a mile or so away. I know it sounds barmy but do you PiL actually realise how far the journey is, how it is hard to fit round a child etc.

Second thing is that my PiL do now come and see us ... but the journey and a day with young children exhausts them now they are getting older (and they are early 60s so not desperatly old). I think we do forget that our parents/PIL can't always do everything that we think they ought to be able to.

ah I missed the bit about them having to stay in a hotel (why do they have to stay in a hotel?) In which case it will cost them far more to come to you than it costs you to go to them.

I'm beginning to think this is about more though. You said your dh wants your ds to see more of his parents/his parents to see more of your ds (not sure which way around), perhaps your dh is bothered by the lack of interest your ILs have in his baby? i.e them not being bothered about coming up to see you and feeling it should be the other way around which perhaps indicates a lack of interest on their part?

I think you are being a bit over sensitive.

How far away are your parents? Does it bother you that you have to cart so much stuff around when you see them for example?

I think you have to accept that your child is as much their grandchild as it is your own parents and they will want to spend time with their grandchild too.

wannabe, I was beginning to wonder the same, maybe the OP's DH is worried about the lack of interest on his parents part. I know from my experience with DH and my PIL that was what it was, but PILL were using me as an excuse

It does sound like the OP isn't too fond of her PIL but then again I am sure we can all remember what it was like as a first time mum. We are all so eager to get it right and prove to ourselves and others that we can do it that any little comment can be taken out of context.

I think you are being oversensitive. It probably costs them quite a bit to come to you. Hotels are expensive,

why do they need to stay over? they could do 100miles in 1.5-2hrs, be there in the morning and leave after tea? its what I do with my lot

don't get me bloody started on my PIL though

you have my sympathy