to think I shouldn't have to pay to attend a birthday party

[tootyflooty]

My bil is arranging a suprise night out for my sil 40th b day. Just for 8 of us, it involves a limo to a posh London Restaurant.
He says she deserves a special time as she works so hard (don't we all!). Now don't get me wrong it's a great idea, but it will cost us in excess of 300.00 for dh and myself. I wouldn't arrange a do and then expect guests to fork out that kind of money.With that kind of cash we could take our kids camping for a couple of weeks in the summer. We are under alot of pressure to go as it would spoil his plans if we are the only ones to drop out. I think the least he could have done is say he would cover the cost of the limo

Was about to say YABU, you could at least pay for dinner out for a special birthday - until I saw how much !!!! He is being very U!!!!

fair enough to expect to pay for dinner, but not the other stuff

he should organise something he can afford

outrageous to expect you to shell out such a large amount of money.

Tell him unfortunately you do not have that type of spare cash. If he wants to still go ahead with it, he can pay then can't he.

WTF is he ordering that is going to cost £1200?

Did you a agree to it before he organised it? If so, you can't back out.

But if you haven't agreed to it, I wouldn't pay.

Outrageous.

You have to be honest and blunt - You cannot afford it.

its a tough call isn't it. when my best friend was 40 we all (6 friends in total) had a weekend in a seaside resort and stayed in an uber posh hotel - rediculously expensive for a tiny not very nice room (much to the annoyance of my bank balance),went clubbing etc we could have had a week in spain for the price of the weekend,but i wouldn't have missed it and it was what she wanted to do.
40 is a special birthday (its mine this year,and friends will hopefully be equally accommodating), so I'm going to say that YAB abit U,and that if doesn't mean that much to you to go,then tell bil that your not going and arrange to see them another time.

His first option was a holiday abroad!!!!, he didn't consult us first, so we didn't agree to anything, he said he could scale it down if it is too much of a problem,although so far it looks like it is just us being awkward ( we are definatly the poor relatives !!!)

Could you suggest that he does the surprise limo for the two of them, and meet you at the restuarant, which you will happily pay for (maybe even a split of her cost).

When we do big events, we usually split between everyone that is going, but before we arrange it, we discuss with those involved what kind of price they can afford to go up to, and then lookat whether we can afford it/what we can afford.

Would not dream of expecting people to pay any amount of money for something without talking, and certainly not this kind of price. Unless they suggested it and made it clear they could afford it (which is not likely is it?)

40 is a biggie!

one of my aunts had an expensive spa weekend with her sisters for hers and another had a holiday (paid for by siblings)

Depends on what's the done thing in the family - if other siblings have passed 40 with less spent then YANBU, If everyone else had that amt spent on them then YABU I guess?

In my family 40ths are big deals that everyone chips in (usually quite a lot) for - this is because a few of my mothers siblings never married so never had a big fuss made like that. In DH's family, 40ths are important but are celebrated by small family gatherings, usually in the persons home, with little expense to guests

my 40th was in a venue and cost me and dh a fair bit, but wouldn't have dreamt of asking guests to chip in, for my dh I had a do at home, cheaper but still had to provide food, drink, ballons etc, again it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask his siblings to chip in.

Sounds like he'd like a night out!

Ok so family precedent not set, so he is BU, think dh needs to have a few words about what he would like you do, either meet him at the resturant and pay seperately for the meal or not attend.

He surely hasn't got his head so far up his bottom that he isn't aware that people are struggling at the moment and everypenny counts!!!!

He is being VU! Lol at 'spoiling his plans'

Oh, the plans we could all make if only other people would fund them I would have to say no and why.

I would also be annoyed to be put in the position where it has to be pointed out too. It's the assumption that everyone can and/or would want to spend that much that is such a cheek. Or should be expected to.

A friend of mine organised a surprise 'do' for my 40th and I was mortified when I discovered that the guests had all forked out £40 each. I would have just had them round for drinks and dinner at my house!

40 is a biggie birthday

but

you can not organise a night out and not work out/tell peoplehow much it will cost BEFORE booking

£300 is a lot for one night

dont feel bad
are you close to your sil?
if i were your sil would love that night with family and friends so maybe bil could fill car up with friends

YA totally NBU. As Tsar says, it's U of him to put you in this position, very awkward for you - if they are close to you, would think they would know that it's not that easy for you. Like you say, you could take the kids camping for that money, and she'd have to be a pretty mega sil to come before your kids, in my book.
Don't know where that leaves you, tho - a lot depends on your dh and whether he's willing to say no, or yes to the meal and no to the limo, and risk being the bad guy in bil's books. How close are you to them?
Good luck...

good god, i would not pay 300 pounds to attend sil`s bday party, sit in limo whatever. im quite happy what i eat thats it, she may be deserve surprise party, but you and your family comes first when you talking about 300pounds.very Unreasonable brother.

I would just say, I can't afford it. Because if it were me, I wouldn't be able to afford it. Whats he going to do, send the bailiffs round?

I don't think YABU. One year my BIL had no less that 4 birthday things we were expected to go to and then he commented on the small gift! It cost me and DH about £350 (not the gift!) and then we still had to find and pay for baby sitting. Not long after he decided to Stag in Prague which cost more, he then decided to Stag again doing some motor sports thing. We were absolutlely skint and in the end (when he was planning a w/e away that would only cost £50 per person - we had 2 kids at the time) I burst into tears and left the room. Eventually I fessed up and told him we could barely afford our shopping and we loved him but he was getting too carried away and needed to realise that somethings are for him and his partner to enjoy. He was mortified! Since then we have been honest about what we can afford and only go to one thing. I'm not a tight person - but he genuinely didn't realise that it was a lot of money. I would suggest you tell him you can't afford it, be apologetic and ask if you can meet them there. If he thinks that shows a lack of love or that you think less of your SIL then I think he has missed the point. How can making yourselves struggle financially show love?? That's possibly a bit materialistic???