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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt and irritated by mother's who blow out a party at the last minute?

35 replies

ipanemagirl · 19/01/2009 12:58

ds's (8) bday party recently was at one of those fun places you pay per child and isn't super cheap so we told him he could only have 10. We ended up inviting 4 more (family etc) and 2 cancelled in plenty of time and apologised the week before - that's fine.
But on the day one hour before the party one mother called and said they'd just got up and the child was really over tired and had a bad cold. Late but acceptable.

The one that really irritated was the one that phone me half an hour into the party (12.30 on Sunday) saying 'Oh well we've all just got up and my ds has a bit of a cough so he isn't coming I'm afraid"

I mean so rude and as they care so little why not say no, and I could have invited a child who would have loved it! ?There are a few boys I'd have really liked to ask! So rude.

OP posts:

catsmother · 19/01/2009 13:05

I agree, but would find the overtired/bad cold excuse an hour before unacceptable and rude as well.

If the child had thrown up an hour before that's entirely different, but they wouldn't suddenly get a "bad cold" right there and then would they ?

Luckily, no-one's ever done this to me but it really is thoughtless when you've paid up front for x no. of kids and people seem too lazy to get their arse in gear on the day.

MrsSanta · 19/01/2009 13:08

my dd (7) went to a house party yesterday girl. family from another country and only moved over in Sept. 8 kids were invited 4 boys, 4 girls.

3 turned up, no calls. it was very sad, they had decorated the house,food, party bags etc.

Lulumama · 19/01/2009 13:10

I had to cancel the night before DD had a party due to bad back, sinus infection and a problem with my car and no-one to take the DCs to the party

sometimes things do happen last minute that are genuine

VinegarTits · 19/01/2009 13:13

Maybe her dc changed his mind last minute and refused to go (she may have spent the first 30 mins trying to persuade him he should go) so she rang with the excuse about a cold

Would you force your dc to go to a party if he didnt want too?

I'm not making excuses for her and of course it is rude to cancel so late, but there is nothing you can do about it, these things happen, dont let it bother you so much

I would arrange for the party to be somewhere less expensive per head next time, ie somewhere that has a set price for the venue so it didnt matter so much if someone cancels last min.

stillenacht · 19/01/2009 13:16

MrsSanta - thats so sad poor kid. Makes me really angry how inconsiderate some people are.

MrsSanta · 19/01/2009 13:20

i know, I could of cried for them really. Mum said she asked her dd to see if the kids who hadnt replied were coming. Child claims kids all said yes.

It was for 4 hours aswell.

catsmother · 19/01/2009 13:29

Lulumama - I don't think anyone would have an issue with the situation you described. We've all had poorly kids who probably aren't well enough to go to a party - but want to - so you hang on until quite late to see if they recover in time. And car problems are unpredictable as well, and you called the day before.

But an hour before, or even during a party, citing that you've only just got up ..... that smacks simply of not being bothered. And if a child has a "bad cold" most people would make a judgement call to phone the host the day before ...... which I'd have absolutely no problem with and say "well, bring them tomorrow if they're well enough, but if they're not don't worry" because the parent's shown some consideration.

nickschick · 19/01/2009 13:33

I think this is one of those skills you aquire as your child grows older ....my ds1 had a party at mcdonalds 20 kids invited 6 turned up .....his bday is in the summer hols and people go out if the suns shining - every party fter that I always invited 5 extra kids in case ,,,,there was always the possibility everyone would turn up but it never happened.-arent some parents bad mannered though?

georgiemum · 19/01/2009 13:34

Just got up at 12!!!!!!

It's the ones that turn up with siblings in tow (especially after you have specifically asked of they are coming and are told that they are not).

d0glover · 19/01/2009 13:35

I suppose at least they did call rather than not - I've had that. You won't be inviting them again then will you?!

My children now have small parties when only those who will turn up are invited or large disco type when it really doesn't matter how many turn up.

Of course it is the children who suffer from adult's rudeness - so unfair. Can't stand rudeness.

JackBauer · 19/01/2009 13:38

I have to say YANBU that they called late to tell you they weren't coming but I regularly put healthy children to bed and wake up to snot ridden coughing feverish monsters, so I don't think that is 'unacceptable and rude'

Rachmumoftwo · 19/01/2009 13:39

Maybe they had just got up because they had been up all night with a sniffling child. While it is annoying to have to pay for a child that doesn't come, I think I would give them the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming that they are lazy and inconsiderate.

loobeylou · 19/01/2009 13:40

In my experience people are worse at this if its a DIY party in a village hall or something, as if it doesn't really matter as you have not paid £X per head for their kid. Never mind your carefully planned teams etc. TBH I have NOT had anyone cancel on the day, they just don't turn up! (One yr DD had 7 out of 15 invitees, only 4 had let me know were not coming)

But watch this space for me complaining in a couple of weeks. DD is having DIY "build a bear" type party and the mum of one of the invitees replied last year on the day before the party that she was coming, then did not turn up on the day!!

If ANYONE does this on the day when i have unused bear kits that another friend could have used, I will be livid! I never even got a sorry or an explanation last time!

Oh and I have already had one child tell DD "I can't come to your party but you can bring me my bear kit into school" er, I don't think so!

KTNoo · 19/01/2009 13:52

YANBU.

I have had people tell me after the event that sorry they didn't come but their child didn't want to!

dd(7) once said she didn't want to go to a party at a soft play centre at the last minute and I told her she had to go (a) because her friend had invited her and (b) because the mum had paid quite a bit for her to be there. Cruel mum eh? She was fine once she got there.

It's got so complicated now with all the siblings coming along, party bags for siblings etc. I had prepared dd's brother and sister as nauseum that they would not get a party bag when collecting dd and lo and behold, they got big bags of sweets. Great.

Original poster

ipanemagirl · 19/01/2009 13:55

Lulumama that is so reasonable, no one could mind that!

and yes, luckily I had invited 4 extra so we had just a perfect number, it would have been bad if I had invited fewer!

The boy in question said he was definitely coming to my ds and if he was poorly then fair enough. But actually, his mother has form for this. Her ds is very popular and tends to get invited to everything so she's very blase and a little grand about parties. I'm always very grateful when my ds is invited and always say yes or no or call in time. I just think it's very rude not to. And I agree the saying 'we've only just got up" belies to me how little they care or value the invite. But in the end I was not out of pocket I just would have liked to have been able to invite another boy who I know would have loved it.

I have had those big hall parties where numbers matter less and then you care less when people don't come.

This year was special because it was ds's choice to have fewer children but a more organized event. And we won't be inviting that boy again!

OP posts:

Original poster

ipanemagirl · 19/01/2009 13:57

I don't always do thank you letters after parties but I try to text the parent to say ds enjoyed it and thanks etc. It's a nice touch, organising a party is fairly stressful and I feel oversensitive about the no-shows. Of course I shouldn't but it's a simple rejection somehow isn't it?

OP posts:

Notbig · 19/01/2009 13:58

For my sons 1st birthday a few mummies that I had met through having my son didn't even reply to the party invite I gave them. As it happens we had more than enough folk coming anyway for it to make a difference and it was just the fixed price hire of a hall. I do think its extremely rude though. I wouldn't dream not to get back to someone.

With 2 kids aged 3 and under I have had it before when a party I've agreed to go to has ended up being a slight inconvenience just because either kids grumpy or tired or somethings happened. Unless they were really ill though I wouldn't cancel when I know someones gone to a lot of effort and expense to organise the party.

I did have to cancel for a 1 year olds party last month though when my son suddenly started being sick about an hour before so I guess it can sometimes be genuine.

LouMacca · 19/01/2009 14:05

YANBU.

At least you got an explanation and a phonecall though (yes i agree is was late and is extremely rude). It was my DD party last sunday (11th) I got no reply to the invite (despite it being given out before the xmas break) from one of her friends so i asked her friends mum in the playground if X was coming and she said yes.

X never turned up for the party. I had no phonecall. No apology or explantation has been given to me as to why X wasn't there. We handed out the thank you for present cards infront of this mum on friday and again not a word was said!

Have found out since that it is well known that X doesn't turn up - I wish someone had told me

Original poster

ipanemagirl · 19/01/2009 14:16

LouMacca, it's weird isn't it? Some people are really odd.

OP posts:

LouMacca · 19/01/2009 14:22

ipanemagirl - As you said I think its more annoying as we both could have invited someone else.

Like your DS my DD (who was 6) was restricted to how many friends she could invite and so she left out a couple which I am sure would have made the effort.

Also annoying is that I had to pay for Xs party space and I had done her a lovely party bag. I won't be inviting X again which is a shame because its obviously not her fault.

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/01/2009 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Gateau · 19/01/2009 15:46

It's really rude and you have every right to be annoyed.
I was upset when my friend didn't bother her arse to show up at my DS's first birthday party last year.
It was a low-key little party for four of his little friends but she know how inmportant it was to me.
She send her DH instead, AND her older girl of four who is precocious and overbearing and for that reason was not invited. She didn't even bother to tell me she wasn't coming but just sent a message through her DH. I was angry and let her know how upset I was that she didn't at least tell me.

newpup · 19/01/2009 16:48

Some people are just rude. We have a few 'known offenders' who do not reply and then turn up or reply yes and then do not turn up! My DD2 had a birthday party last weekend and we had to pay per head a week in advance. We had one who did not turn up at all no phone call or explanation and saw mum in playground never said a thing even when DD2 handed out thank you notes in front of her. Also one mum phoned an hour before to say they would not be coming as her DD had had a late night and was tired!

I think it is so rude. Obviously, if a child is ill they can not come and that is fine but anything else is bad mannered. We once had a mum phone on the day and say as the weather was nice they had decided to go out instead, so would not be coming!

Although, I find it more annoying when people turn up with siblings and expect them to stay and be fed as well!

Original poster

ipanemagirl · 19/01/2009 16:49

StewieGriffinsMom that is so bad!

A friend of mine invited a girl to her dd's cinema party. The mother left no number, got someone else to drop the child and then didn't appear to pick the child up AT ALL. So my poor mate was left at this cinema in Hackney waiting for this god forsaken woman to tip up and collect her child. Eventually she did (nearly an hour late) and barely apologised, Stunning brass neck of some people, parties are just places to dump your kids aren't they?

OP posts:

sorrento · 19/01/2009 16:59

God I hate parties, when can it offically end please, I'm thinking 8 ???

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