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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a half hour "off" for a bath is not too much to ask of DH?

49 replies

Verso · 19/01/2009 10:24

DD2 is eight weeks old tomorrow and a reasonably 'easy' baby (apart from a growth spurt and cold last week when she went haywire). DD1 is almost four, and a pretty low-maintenance, happy and chilled individual. I woke up yesterday with my third sore throat, shivers and achey joints since DD1 came along, and asked (D)H if he would mind watching the girls for half an hour at some point in the day so I could have a bath as I was feeling pretty rubbish. By the way I haven't had a bath since DD2 was born as (D)H is funny about watching both girls and so I tend to grab a quick shower by putting DD2 in the bouncy chair (crying or not) on days he's at work.(Weekends - forget it.)

He said he couldn't, as he had some marking to do (he's a teacher). If that wasn't enough, in order to give him peace and quiet to do his work I ended up having to leave the house with both DDs mid-afternoon for two hours as he couldn't concentrate with them in the house.

I am still - but not quite sure if I'm being unfair...

Actually, reading this back I think he's being an arse! Not sure what to do...

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 19/01/2009 10:26

I would agree on the "being an arse "

Half an hour out of a 24 hr day is nothing . Next time I would just go and run the bath , grab a magazine , lock the day and stay in there for a good hour

TotalChaos · 19/01/2009 10:28

he's taking the piss. has he always been this unhelpful?

Wonderstuff · 19/01/2009 10:28

He is being an arse, you need to discuss with him and find out WHY he has an issue having both girls and find a solution.

theyoungvisiter · 19/01/2009 10:29

agree with wilbury - you need SOME time off. Next time just shout, "off to have a bath, keep an eye on the girls" and turn the radio up...

DustyTv · 19/01/2009 10:29

YANBU at all.

MarlaSinger · 19/01/2009 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 19/01/2009 10:29

Verso - you do know he's being unfair. He is being so unreasonable that I'm finding it hard to put it into words. You need to sit down with him soon and point out that you are both parents and that whilst you understand that marking needs to get done, you need to find ways to ensure that you get a break every now and then (especially when you are ill).

As a point of comparison, I was sick over Christmas. DH looked after DS for four days with no help from me. DS was also sick so was waking up 4 times a night. I was allowed to shut myself in the spare room to ensure I got sleep and could recover.

Almeida · 19/01/2009 10:30

What's his problem with looking after his kids?

MrsMattie · 19/01/2009 10:31

He is being a bastard, quite frankly. You haven't had a bath in 8 weeks because he can't watch both girls for half an hour? That's ridiculous!

Tell him I have a nearly 4 yr old and an 8 wk old too (congrats, btw!) and my DH lets me have a bath EVERY DAY. He needs to get over whatever issues he haas with watching both his children pronto.

bellavita · 19/01/2009 10:31

Why do you need to ask if you can have sometime to yourself for a bath, why is he funny about have the dd's to himself - he is a grown man, he is their parent - he is a total arse!

He is being very unhelpful. Just go for your bath next time!

quickdrawmcgraw · 19/01/2009 10:31

You should suddenly clutch your stomach and say 'oooh, diarrhea!' pass him the baby and dash from the room (snatching a mag as you go) run up to your pre-prepared bath and relax with the door locked.

Obv. you shouldn't have to do this. He needs to know that you are at entitled to some time on your own whether it's to have a bath or go for a coffee with friends. Saying he has marketing to do just isn't good enough.

mazzystartled · 19/01/2009 10:32

yep, arse

next time just do it

and tell him he can do his marking once the children are in bed [unless he was cooking you both a nice dinner, or dving some critical diy or some other worthy activity in the evening]

and why is he "funny" about having both girls? is it a confidence issue or a lazy arse issue?

notyummy · 19/01/2009 10:32

You know don't you? This shouldn't even be posted in this topic IMHO; it should be in relationships. OF COURSE it is not unreasonable. You feel ill, and you want 30 minutes off....frankly he should be giving you AT LEAST the afternoon off whilst he does something with the two of them. He's a teacher FFS....does he only take single pupils because more than one makes feel 'a bit funny'?!

on your behalf.....and perhaps thinking that you need to put your foot down and change the dynamic a bit....?

QS · 19/01/2009 10:32

That is what I would do too.
Not ask, just TAKE. Have a bath. Just tell him. "I am having a bath now, the girls are with you"

The transition from one to two children can sometimes be very daunting for fathers [bleurgh emoticon] Even men who were perfectly fine and great with the first child may get a case of "oh no I cant change that nappy - itis" and will try avoid both kids at the same time. They just have to brave it.

I knew we had cracked it when dh on the spur of the moment decided to take BOTH children camping without me...... Ds1 was 5 and ds2 was 2 and still in nappies... ( I had to bite my tongue not to say "you will change his nappy and clean his bottom before you put him to sleep, right?"

But yes. cough arse.

bluebump · 19/01/2009 10:32

He is being an arse! I know because my DP is one too. The other week when I actually got to have a bath i'd only been in it 10 mins when I could hear him coming upstairs...in the bathroom he comes. He then decides that DS could do with a bath too and he may as well get in with me. "It's too hot" says me, "That's ok i'll just put lots of cold water in" says him so in the cold water and DS comes and there went my nice half an hour toasting hot bath!

pooka · 19/01/2009 10:33

Well your dh is going to have to bloody learn to look after both his daughters from time to time.

Marking literally all day?

He is being an arse, but you are allowing him to be to a certain extent.

choosyfloosy · 19/01/2009 10:33

Arse. Sounds like he has very separate ideas about his and your roles in the household. Possibly also he is truly scared of the children - maybe they aren't as chilled and easy with him? wouldn't be surprising if he spends little time with them.

You need to get to the bottom of this, in a non-arse-name-calling kinda way. It sounds too extreme to just nudge along changing by degrees. What are these two-child issues of which you speak?

MmeLindt · 19/01/2009 10:33

He obviously needs to come to terms with the fact that you now have 2 DC, and pretty damn quick too.

He is being very unreasonable.

Agree with the other posters. Next time say that you are going for a bath and disappear.

I am going to a Henny Weekend to Scotland and my DH will have sole charge of our DCs for 4 whole days. Why should he not? I am often alone with them when he goes away on business.

Original poster
Verso · 19/01/2009 10:34

I know I know I know!!!!

Yes. He WAS this rubbish w DD1. Yes we ended up at Relate. Yes we discussed it before TTC #2 and he assured me things would be better next time.

Now think I am an arse .

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 19/01/2009 10:34

agree completely with QS. If he's daunted by dealing with 2 kids, then the only way he's going to get confident is by experience, in just the same way as you learned to cope.

AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump · 19/01/2009 10:34

Sounds like he's not confident of his ability to look after both girls together. Leave him to it and he'll prove to himself that he can do it.

Almeida · 19/01/2009 10:35

It's not your fault Verso - he needs to pull his socks up and get on with being a parent.

pooka · 19/01/2009 10:35

Verso, you are not. But you need to talk to him. You have been to relate, he has given you assurances. He needs to be reminded of this.

MrsMattie · 19/01/2009 10:35

You're not an arse

Just go and have your bath. What is he going to do? Die? he'll cope.

MarlaSinger · 19/01/2009 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.