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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a half hour "off" for a bath is not too much to ask of DH?

49 replies

Verso · 19/01/2009 10:24

DD2 is eight weeks old tomorrow and a reasonably 'easy' baby (apart from a growth spurt and cold last week when she went haywire). DD1 is almost four, and a pretty low-maintenance, happy and chilled individual. I woke up yesterday with my third sore throat, shivers and achey joints since DD1 came along, and asked (D)H if he would mind watching the girls for half an hour at some point in the day so I could have a bath as I was feeling pretty rubbish. By the way I haven't had a bath since DD2 was born as (D)H is funny about watching both girls and so I tend to grab a quick shower by putting DD2 in the bouncy chair (crying or not) on days he's at work.(Weekends - forget it.)

He said he couldn't, as he had some marking to do (he's a teacher). If that wasn't enough, in order to give him peace and quiet to do his work I ended up having to leave the house with both DDs mid-afternoon for two hours as he couldn't concentrate with them in the house.

I am still - but not quite sure if I'm being unfair...

Actually, reading this back I think he's being an arse! Not sure what to do...

OP posts:

compo · 19/01/2009 10:37

Does that mean you never go out on your own?
Is he depressed, inept or just plain lazy?

MmeLindt · 19/01/2009 10:38

You are not an arse, Verso. Sometimes it is just easier to just do what needs to be done rather than arguing with DH and making him do it. It is easy to fall into a rut and then it becomes natural for you to do most of the childcare.

Take a step back. Tell him you have arranged to go out with your friend/mum/granny for coffee and you will be back in 2 hours.

He will cope. And you will enjoy the break.

Original poster

Verso · 19/01/2009 10:40

i martyred myself until i was so ill i cracked...

last week he told me he was leaving -and taking the girls with him - because i called him a 'lazy shit' when i was up for the fourth night in a row w dd2 (aforementioned growth spurt and cold) and he hadn't done a single nappy even (i am bf). he says he copes better w sleep deprivation than me

feel sick posting this as i know what i would say if it was someone else writing it. i am quite a strong person in most respects... just not in this...

scuse no caps dd2 feeding on knee

OP posts:

Original poster

Verso · 19/01/2009 10:41

will post in relationships bit... thanks for the very swift - and frank - replies!

OP posts:

LadyLiffey · 19/01/2009 10:41

I agree, he's being thoroughly unreasonable, but, having lived with an unreasonable man I bet it's not a simple case of telling him he's being unreasonable and then he'll 'see' and let you have some time off.

Next time just go and have your half hour shower. Don't ASK for his permission. You're feeding his belief that he's in charge and everybody needs to rotate around him and pander to his needs. He's clearly oblvious to your needs.

If he tells you off when you come back from the shower because the children made noise then tell him that is out of your hands.

Almeida · 19/01/2009 10:41

Do you have family or friends that can help you have abreak or at least a sit down?

ninedragons · 19/01/2009 10:43

So he won't take them for half an hour while you have a bath but he says he wants to take them for good?

Not only an arse but a deluded one at that.

Divineintervention · 19/01/2009 10:47

I am in the same boat, DC4 aged 10 weeks. I asked DH to take care of him as his crying was really getting on my nerves, doesn't happen often but when it does I just need to not hear him (after dealing with him all day and night) and he said he had work to do. This was more important than me getting on with my housework and sorting out the children's stuff for the morning.
I wonder when my DH turned into such a selfish and self absorbed idiot? Methinks it is every time I need his support!

LadyLiffey · 19/01/2009 10:47

yes, the next time he threatens to 'take them with him' when he leaves LAUGH out loud.

Is he going to hire a nanny? Tell even with a salary, a Nanny would expect half an hour off in a 24 hour period.

bellavita · 19/01/2009 10:49

Verso - you are not to blame for this, he needs to start being the father and DH he should be!

MrsMattie · 19/01/2009 11:20

Blimey, Verso . He sounds immature, selfish and not very respectful of you at all.

TheCrackFox · 19/01/2009 11:36

He is not only an arse but deluded as well. He can't cope with his DCs for half an hour but thinks he could have sole custody?

You need to go back to relate. FWIW, though, don't ask for permission when you want a bath, just tell him you are having one.

Stayingsunnygirl · 19/01/2009 11:43

Verso you are NOT an arse. He, on the other hand, is being utterly arse-like. Next time, don't ask - take the take the girls into whatever room he's in, plonk dd2 in his arms and say firmly, 'I'm off for a bath - I'll be about an hour' then leg it upstairs, lock the bathroom door and put on some music to drown out his grumbles.

You could also point out to him how much attention and admiration he'd get if he took his girls out (to the park, supermarket etc etc). My dh used to take all three of mine out, even when they were 4, 2 and weeks old, and people thought he was a saint (he isn't, but I did appreciate how much time he wanted to spend with the boys).

Stayingsunnygirl · 19/01/2009 11:47

Ohhh - and LadyLiffey's right - if he can't mind them for half an hour at home, how on earth did he imagine he'd be able to cope with them 24-7!! Next time he says that, I'd be tempted to call his bluff - start packing their stuff, ask him where he's going to be staying and how the girls will cope alone there whilst he's at work - then watch as he back-pedals at Mach 2!

theyoungvisiter · 19/01/2009 12:56

Verso you are NOT an arse - it's really hard to ask for help, even harder when the person you are asking forces you to justify exactly why you "deserve" a basic rock-bottom favour like half an hour's peace for a bath.

When you are knackered the last thing you want to do is sit down and get into an argument instead so of course you take the path of least resistance and soldier on. However that's exactly when your DH should be taking teh MOST care of you, rather than taking advantage of your tiredness to carry on being a twat.

Could you show him this thread to make him realise that his level of support is not acceptable? Or maybe start another thread if you don't want to show him the bits about him being an arse!

clumsymum · 19/01/2009 13:06

So.... um ..... what does he think being a parent actually entails ????

It involves caring for your children.

I don't understand how come a grown man can't manage to spend time with a 4 year old, while an 8 week old is in the same room. Does he think you are some sort of wonderwoman to manage ALL DAY without him?

Is he SCARED of them?

My main q to you is "whatever made you have a second child with this p*llock?"

catsmother · 19/01/2009 13:20

When I read stuff like this I can't decide if the man in question is thick, has Victorian gender role ideas, is frightened to death of children (but a teacher ?), chronically lazy, or even a sadist ? TBH, each of those attitudes might apply to a situation like this. I really do wonder what would happen if Verso was hopsitalised for any reason, or if she broke a limb and was literally unable to care for their children ..... I mean, what would someone like this do then ? Presumably, palm them off on a grandmother, employ a FT nanny, or, as a last begrudging resort, look after them himself but then ensures Verso is "beholden" to him for having once done her a "favour" until her dying days.

To not find it in him to give you half an hour for a bath (or anything else you want to do) in eight weeks is, IMO, passive aggressive, and cruel.

You say you ended up at Relate before ..... obviously, the issue was never resolved, but what on earth were his reasons for refusing to partake in any childcare ?? Because, short of serious illness or serious disability (when the mind might be willing but the body isn't), there are none.

Thing is ..... this isn't just about you. What kind of relationship does he / will he have with his daughters if he can't / won't spend time with them alone ?

psychomum5 · 19/01/2009 13:22

verso, has he been able to have a bath since DD2 was born???

if so, did he ask YOU if you would watch HIS children???

I bet he didn;t.....I bet he just TOLD you he was going for a bath.

do the same back......donit ask, tell.

LadyLiffey · 19/01/2009 13:39

We all see it. We all get it. But I sympathise with OP, because he's not going to suddenly say/think "I've been so unreasonable! These are MY children and you deserve a break every bit as much as I do!".

He clearly regards all the work of childcare as your problem, your issue, your responsibility. He wants a family though? Wants to be a family man?

He is Victorian, although I bet he'd be outraged by that suggestion. (I have some personal experienc).

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 19/01/2009 13:40

He's being an ass. My exh used to let the Dc cry or hammer on the bathroom door when I was in the bath and I'd come out to find him sitting at his desk with headphones on.

choccynutter · 19/01/2009 13:50

what does he teach .... how to be selfish pig bet he gets to bath when he wants. run a bath place your lovly children in the room and say going to have bath now and just get in ...... stay in it for a very long time

oldraver · 19/01/2009 14:48

So he's a teacher but unable to look after his own two children.........I would be very worried

rookiemater · 19/01/2009 15:46

Verso when you went to Relate did the two of you learn any strategies about how to communicate about this issue ?

Yes he is being a lazy arse, but in times of change or stress we all tend to revert to type which in your case appears to be selfish husband and downtrodden wife.

You had a great opportunity when you took the DC out for those two hours to state on your return you were going to have half an hour to yourself to have a bath. By asking if you can do something, you are facilitating his behaviour, and whilst he is clearly being an arse I can see the twisted logic whereby if he is marking papers he is working ergo you should be working too. Oh and probably when you went out with the DCs he thought you were lucky getting the chance to go out and enjoy yourself with the DCs whilst he was marking ( note I don't feel that way at all but I can see how someone with twisted logic would get there)

The good news is that you already know that this is a touch point for you as a couple and if your DH was prepared to go to Relate with you last time then presumably he acknowledges that there is a valid issue that needs to be resolved.

Can you get some time to discuss it in a calm non judgemental way with him and state exactly what you are looking for i.e. 2 hours each day at the weekend, doing baths 3 nights a week, just try to figure out what you would expect him to do thats fair and see if you can get an overall agreement on that.

womblingfree · 20/01/2009 12:17

A bit of a plonker. Next time he can't concentrate, tell him to go out to do his bloody marking, and only come back via that cake shop bearing doughnuts!

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