To shit all over DP's parade? [could be long, sorry]

[SheWillBeLoved]

DP returned to university as a mature student in 2006. He was in his 2nd year, should be 3rd, but had to resit his 2nd, and has this week found out that due to an error with student financing, he's not entitled to any funding for this year whatsoever. Only years 1 and 3. If he wants to continue - he has to pay this years tuition, and money that they have overpaid due to their error back in full. That's simply not an option right now. He knows this.

So now, he wants to be a Pilot. Yep. He wants a full blown career change, 5 months before our first child is due. Nothing wrong with that some might think - but this is DP all over. He's full of big dreams that never follow through. He can never just stick to one thing and be settled in it. Only last year was he trying to get us to move to the Caribbean and run a yacht cruising business.

In 3-4 months, i'm only going to be on SMP. I really can not see how he thinks it is at all possible to choose now as a time to spend years training to be a pilot. He/we can't afford for him to continue at university for this year, nevermind pay for the amount of flying hours/qualifications that he has to pay for himself whilst he trains to be a private pilot - not even a commercial one straight away. That will come later, after months and months away from home, thousands in more flying hours/qualifications/medicals etc.

Am I being an unreasonable, unsupportive bitch? Don't hold back - i'll watch with interest. If anyone has any questions, i'll be happy to answer them.

I wouldn't bother shitting on it as he won't be able to afford it unless he has £30k from rich parents/trust fund/lottery win.

He sounds like he's struggling to find what to do in life. I think most people go through this.

Any chance he can get a student loan to finish off the course he's doing? Does he have a part-time job to bring in some money?

he needs to pull himself together and get a job

Laurie he works full time at the moment, mainly nights, but days at weekends. All 12 hour shifts. He's a hard worker when he's in work - he just cannot stick to anything.

He is still entitled to student loans, but only to the amount of £1400 for the year, I think. University want thousands off him for him to be able to complete this year.

YANBU.

tell him to grow up or piss off.

He sounds like he works very hard.

Can he offer staged payments to pay for the course?

do you think he might be cyclothymic?

if it is an error, why can;t it be sorted?

if the moeny thing was not an issue, would you feel the same?

if he is wroking and studying then cut him a bit of a break

ouch.

no YANBU at all, however i still feel a bit sad for you dp and his dreams

is there anyway he could just focus on getting a job first and then if finances allow he could do lessons here and there over time to build up his flying hours?

it's something like 500 hours just to get the private license isn't it? does he comprehend how much time and money that actually is? has he worked out how many weekends it would take of doing a few hours a day to get there? has he worked out the cost? does he understand that to get a commercial license is vastly expensive (unless you get on a scheme run by one of the airlines but they're generally scholarship schemes aimed at school leavers, not likely he would)

and most importantly, does he understand that he's soon going to be responsible for another life? he had years to sort out his own carreer dreams and to follow whatever path he wanted, now he has to take responsibility for his child and do whatever it takes to provide for that child.

Has he got carried away by the Hero of the Hudson story?

he needs to be vv rich to be a pilot or else join the RAF and train with them

I think he needs a reality check {hmm} ~ my sister-in-law has just taken the past 2 years (full-time) to get from passing her private pilot licence to her commerical pilot licence and type-rating which has cost in excess of £75k and still hasn't got a job at the end of it!!

Lulumama - I meant its an error in that they have still been paying his tuition for this year, and is student loans. Now they have realized the error, and are putting it right by withdrawing his funding for the year.

PinkTulips - I too feel sad for him. Just minutes ago I was sobbing my heart out but I just cannot see how this can work.

He's 31, he's not a child anymore, and as PinkTulips said - he's had since leaving school at 17 to sort out his dreams and ambitions, he just hasn't because he can never decide on one. And when he does - he gets bored when it gets to the stage of doing something about it, and moves onto the next dream.

I see

in light of the additional costs mentioned by other posters, I don;t think you are being unreasonable

maybe a bit sit down discussion, of how the money will be found, how you will support yourselves, esp. wen you are on mat.leave

time for a cards on teh table discussion

I am at how expensive it is to train. Is becoming a pilot really the preserve of the well off?

There are some of us in this world that are destined to have careers for whatever reasons (In my case, I had no money for Uni, dispite being offered a place and had to find any job(s) to support my mum after my dad died).

We have to do the shitty, boring, run of the mill, work your arse off for very little pay jobs. That can take some adujusting to if you have belived for a long time you were meant to have a successful career. Maybe your dp is having a hard time coming to terms with this.

destined not to have careers

lots of people become pilots through the armed forces, it's only if you have to fund your own training that it becomes expensive

am serious about wondering whether or not he has cyclothymia though, seems like a bit of a roller coaster existence? in which case he might need a bit of support to settle into something that suits his fluctuating moods

It's good to have aspirations, but you need to balance these with the demands that real life brings.

Most people probably have to compromise somewhere along the line... I doubt many people really have their ultimate dream job.

Sounds like he needs to get real!

Mysterymoniker - i'm looking at a site about Cyclothymic disorder now. To be honest he doesn't fit into many catagories at all. His mood is generally stable, but he will go through bouts of being unsettled and needing a change. I think he's one of those people that Thornyrose described. He does have visions of himself being a high flying company director, or having any other jobs which beings grandeur.

Seems so hard for him to accept that for whatever reasons - the chances of it actually happening are slim to none.

just trying to salve my conscience for telling him to pull himself together

there are probably LOADS of plus points that come with these tendencies - I bet life is never dull for one thing . . .

Your dp sounds like my cousin; he has never settled at anything, and my Aunt payed out huge amounts of money to pay for him to train to become a commercial pilot. He failed the exams in the end, because he wasn't that committed as his enthusiasm had moved on to a new fad.

Commercial flying schools seem to take on anyone, as they make money from taking you, but it is not a safe route into a job. Airlines seem to prefer their own recruits or people who have trained with the RAF.

Would he consider finishing the degree and then applying to the RAF?

YANBU - he should be supporting his family at 31, not chasing his own personal ambitions. As you said, he's had since he was 17 to work on his career. As another poster said, he really really needs to grow up.

Spell it out to him that he's gonna have a child to support soon and that takes priority over his personal ambitions. Most people have to make sacrifices when children come along.

I honestly feel that now is the time for you to force this issue. If he doesn't take responsibility now, he never will.

Have you asked him to sit down with you, get a bit of paper and show you how his dream is financially viable? It's all very well him having these fantasies, but he needs a dose of reality. How will it work? The career fairy doesn't come one night and sprinkle magic dust all over you....

I'm talking to him now whilst he's at work. He seems to think that he's doing this for us. To better our lives, and support his family. He seems to think that staying in the job he has now, and doing extra bits of work at night in work like designing websites and getting paid for it (£50 at a time if he's lucky) will see him through getting his license.

I don't have the energy to fight him anymore. Part of me just wants to smile and nod and know that it'll never come to anything like everything else. But i'm so sick of living like that, dreading the next scheme he comes up with.

Does he know how much it costs?

Because my husband is on and off doing his ppl!

Now, the below is a rough guide, because I don't listen that much but -

you have to pay to sit each exam and there are about 7 of them I think! Sitting the exam isn't much, a few quid - BUT that's just the paper!! if you want to do the lectures (and you'll need to!) they can cost up to as much as £150 each! - and you'll need to do some serious study because those buggers aren't easy! aviation law, navigation, metrology, the human factor, and some others I can't remember Plus the books or cds to study are expensive.

Don't forget that all exams must be taken within a year! And if you haven't got your ppl within 2 years of finishing your last exam, you have to take your exams again.

Then you have to pass a medical before you go solo, to ensure you are fit to fly. You'll have to have regular medicals to ensure continued fitness to fly.

then there's the flying lessons, at £100 plus an hour - you need 45 flying hours, I think it is, to get your ppl. (25 solo) That's not including things like night rating, bad weather etc, which you don't do as part of the basic ppl. Then if you are going to do anything with it careerwise, you need an instructor rating and various others that go with it! you need to clock many hundreds of flying hours to make a career out of it!! If you want to end up flying commercial jets I can't tell you how many thousand flying hours you need in your log book thingie!

you have to be a member of a flying school, and pay their fees. Some places you have to pay to touch down (or something!) when you fly, which must be a bugger when you are doing one of the manouveres that involves touching briefly and taking off again, several times - can't remember what it's called! When you've got your ppl you need to pay for use of aircraft and lots of other misc charges, in order to fly.

And I am sure there's more and perhaps I have a few things the wrong way round, but I really don't listen much when dh gets back I'll read my post to him and see how I did

But the upshot is it takes a LOT of time and effort and money. Many thousands of pounds and many many hours dedicated to study just to get your basic licence - and you can't make a career on that, you have to go further.

It's not a decision to make lightly and NOT one you make unless you have the support and agreement of your partner.

• If he wants to talk to my husband about what is ACTUALLY involved in getting your ppl, you can email me at mud24 at hotmail dot co dot uk and I can put them in touch.