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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To shit all over DP's parade? [could be long, sorry]

57 replies

SheWillBeLoved · 18/01/2009 12:52

DP returned to university as a mature student in 2006. He was in his 2nd year, should be 3rd, but had to resit his 2nd, and has this week found out that due to an error with student financing, he's not entitled to any funding for this year whatsoever. Only years 1 and 3. If he wants to continue - he has to pay this years tuition, and money that they have overpaid due to their error back in full. That's simply not an option right now. He knows this.

So now, he wants to be a Pilot. Yep. He wants a full blown career change, 5 months before our first child is due. Nothing wrong with that some might think - but this is DP all over. He's full of big dreams that never follow through. He can never just stick to one thing and be settled in it. Only last year was he trying to get us to move to the Caribbean and run a yacht cruising business.

In 3-4 months, i'm only going to be on SMP. I really can not see how he thinks it is at all possible to choose now as a time to spend years training to be a pilot. He/we can't afford for him to continue at university for this year, nevermind pay for the amount of flying hours/qualifications that he has to pay for himself whilst he trains to be a private pilot - not even a commercial one straight away. That will come later, after months and months away from home, thousands in more flying hours/qualifications/medicals etc.

Am I being an unreasonable, unsupportive bitch? Don't hold back - i'll watch with interest. If anyone has any questions, i'll be happy to answer them.

OP posts:

Original poster

SheWillBeLoved · 18/01/2009 14:19

Bloody hell Hecate I don't think he realizes all of the little extras that come with the training. Or he does - he just seems to think that what he earns a month is enough to cover them, flying hours etc, and support his child. Men.

I'll put the idea of getting in touch with your husband forward to him later and see what he says, thanks

OP posts:

Katiestar · 18/01/2009 14:29

he has responsibilities now.The whole thing about being a parent, is that your needs now come second to what is right for the child.At 31 he should start behaving like an adult.
Is it possible he could complete his degree on a part-time basis and work at the same time ?

HolyGuacamole · 18/01/2009 14:39

Airlines are not taking on a lot of pilots at the moment and it is extremely hard to get through the first interview stage, never mind subsequent tests and exams. The market for private pilots is very slim. It's a very big expensive risk IMO.

What about the engineering side of it? In my experience, people who love planes will work in any associated part of the industry because their dream is to turn their hobby into a career with complete dedication to constantly keep up with new developments, news and procedures etc etc.

Get him to download Flightsim.....a lot of the airlines use it as a training aid and many, many hours are spent on it by pilots. If he gets bored with Flightsim, he will NEVER be a pilot.

YANBU.

Original poster

SheWillBeLoved · 18/01/2009 14:41

Katiestar - he doesn't see it like that though. He never will. Whenever I remind him of his responsibilities, he tries to reason that he is doing it for us, and it will give us a better life in the long run.

I fully appreciate he wants to do something with his life - I love that he has some ambition. Part of me is just so sad and frustrated that he gives up so easily. It's just a constant roundabout circle of unreachable dreams. And he's not stupid, he knows they'll never happen. Yet it doesn't stop him until it sinks in and he realizes he's banging his head against a brick wall.

OP posts:

HolyGuacamole · 18/01/2009 14:43

Flightsim

There's a free trial version.....my guess is that he will become bored with it and forget the idea when he sees what is involved.

dittany · 18/01/2009 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

SheWillBeLoved · 18/01/2009 14:46

HolyGauacamole - Sad thing is he has downloaded it, spent all night on it a long time ago, and hasn't touched it since. I got him a flying lesson (big mistake) as a little treat a few years ago as I remembered him mentioning he'd wanted to be a pilot as a kid. For a month afterwards, he was obsessed. Not mentioned it since. Moved onto wanting to move abroad and run a business. Hit a brick wall. Now all of a sudden this morning, it's "I wanna be a pilot". Lots of other little ventures in between, but nothing ever materialises from them.

OP posts:

dittany · 18/01/2009 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spicemonster · 18/01/2009 14:47

God no that would drive me bonkers. I have a friend who is a pilot. It cost him 12k to get his basic licence in South Africa (much cheaper to train there), then he was at flying school in Oxford, then did a lot of work in SE Asia before getting a job in the UK flying commercially. It's taken him years, apart from the financial side of things.

He's not a single man without responsibilities but he's behaving like one.

spicemonster · 18/01/2009 14:48

I meant that your DP is not a single man without responsibilities - my friend is!

nkf · 18/01/2009 14:49

Becoming a pilot is a rich man's dream. It's a major investment because the airlines don't pay to train any more. I'd consider paying for the University degree though.

YeahBut · 18/01/2009 14:53

Actually, it sounds more ADD / ADHD than anything else. Tremendously frustrating for you when all you want is a bit of stability at the moment. YANBU. Does he have any idea how much money he would need to invest into this dream? How does he justify giving up on the uni dream?

Original poster

SheWillBeLoved · 18/01/2009 14:57

YeahBut - the same way he justifies giving up any other dream. "I can't do it, there's no way, I can't afford to go/do it".

He has a vague idea how much he needs to spend. By vague I mean he can tell me how much lessons are, how much the medicals are, how much exams are etc... but I don't think he has any clue as to how much it all amounts up to at the end. If he did, he would see that putting that money towards university would be a much more worthwhile investment.

OP posts:

dittany · 18/01/2009 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

SheWillBeLoved · 18/01/2009 15:16

Dittany - he has to pay £8k upfront to continue at uni.

I know he can't afford it. He knows he cant. I think he's just so desperate for that career that he missed out on years ago that he wants to give anything a go.

OP posts:

purpleduck · 18/01/2009 15:19

general info on wages etc.

In addition, there are
not as many jobs

I absolutely GET your dh being a career butterfly - I have done that too, and I think it boils down to not having the confidence...if you never really try, you can never fail.

Why did he choose the university course in the first place? Interesting that there is an obstacle, and he wants to stop.
Not judging, just find it interesting.

Has he always wanted to be a pilot, but for some reason didn't do it - or is this simply a new exciting prospect?

Original poster

SheWillBeLoved · 18/01/2009 15:27

Purpleduck - I don't think he really wants to stop uni. I know if the money was there, he'd continue to go. He very much saw this as his last chance.

The pilot thing was a childhood dream - isn't it for every little boy? I have no idea why it's cropped back up. Probably because it's so unreachable that he knows he will never quite get there, but it wont be his fault that/if he doesn't, if that makes sense?

OP posts:

dittany · 18/01/2009 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 18/01/2009 16:00

Husband is back - he says 45 is minimum but he's never met anyone who has got it in the 45. It's the minimum by law, but whether you get your ppl depends on your competence. Anything up to 60 is probably more likely!

It's well over £100 per flying hour he says, and other fees vary from airfield to airfield.

And the manouvre is called "touch and go" and you have to pay every time your wheels touch the ground! (in most places)

But apart from that, I wasn't too far off!

Podrick · 18/01/2009 16:28

What is the degree he is doing - is it one that will definitely be a big help in getting a job?

Maybe he could start his own business - that is a way to make the big time if you have enthusiasm and drive, and you say he is not afraid of hard work either?

NotPlayingAnyMore · 18/01/2009 16:33

"Whenever I remind him of his responsibilities, he tries to reason that he is doing it for us"

No he isn't. Same as the website design and the Caribbean yacht cruising business.
He wants to do something he enjoys and get paid for it, which there's nothing wrong with in itself, but that's very different from doing something for "us".

That "something" would be staying in his job until you can afford for him not to.
He can always wait a year to complete his studies and DC will be coming along shortly anyway.

Afterwards, if he still wants to be a pilot, sure - but never to the detriment of your family finances and time.

Original poster

SheWillBeLoved · 18/01/2009 16:35

Podrick - he's doing Computing (Business Information Technology and Management). It'd get him a job - but one that wouldn't compare in his eyes to being a Pilot, or swishing about on Yacht in the Caribbean for a living.

He's always wanted to start his own business (aswell as everything else), it's just getting the initial funding to back it up in the current climate.

OP posts:

Podrick · 18/01/2009 16:42

Hmmmm
If he wants to work in computing he could get a job in that line of work now and work his way up without a degree - he will get in job training probably anyhow - or he may get a job which sponsors a computing qualification.

If you have steady employment I think starting a business is a good idea - look for an idea with low start up costs or one he can start alongside a day job.

Can you make a list with him of what his skills, abilities and strengths are? Tying his line of work up to these should result in more success and more enjoyment of work.

purpleduck · 18/01/2009 16:42

Could he get a Career Development Loan for this years' fees?

bronze · 18/01/2009 16:43

If he was the sort to stick to something and it was a real dream I would sit down with him and at least go through the costs to see what was possible.
But hes not and how infuriating never mind expensive woould it be to pay out a few thousand pound only for him to get bored.

I would suggest to him he takes a year out saves up the money uses that to finish at uni and if he proves he can stick at that then you'll look at this other thing when things are on a more even keel. If he hasn't gone off the idea by then I would be very surprised

Good luck

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