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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to share everything about DD with grandparents?

44 replies

Benjy · 17/01/2009 11:49

This week I received another email from MIL saying that she had spoken to DH who had told her that DD had cut her first tooth but that he hadn't been able to remember the exact date this happened and could I contact her to let her know. We have had to share every detail of DD's life, they request copies of every photo we have taken because we want "every one ever taken of her". I am happy to share somethings but I want to keep some details just between DH, me and DD. It feels like we have nothing left that is just for us and our new family. Am I being unreasonable? Do you have boundaries with your parents/PILs?

OP posts:

NimChimpsky · 17/01/2009 11:53

I'm torn really. It's lovely that MIL is keen. She's just excited. My Mum was very interested in dd's teeth coming through, the order, the exact dates etc. Nobody apart from you is ever going to care about these little milestones so celebrate that they obviously adore her and somebody else appreciates what an amazing thing it is that your child has a whole, wonderful, precious tooth.

OTOH, copies of every photo? Bit ott. Do they have a camera?

I take the best off dd's photos every couple of months, make copies and distribute to my parents, ILs and our grandparents. Could you do this?

fizzpops · 17/01/2009 11:57

I don't have boundaries because quite frankly, much as they love their granddaughter my parents and PILs would be bored witless with that level of detail.

Sounds a bit obsessive to me and must be wearing to have to remember them every time something happens or a photo is taken. I imagine it takes the fun and spontaneity out of it for you a bit.

On the other hand they obviously adore your DD and that is lovely for her. You don't say how old she is but perhaps as she grows older they will back off a bit...

You could always just tell them you don't have the time, which I imagine is the truth.

bubblagirl · 17/01/2009 12:04

i dont have boundaries to be honest im happy to share anything they want to know im glad they are interested

is it there first grandchild as im sure its very exciting if it is

i give certian pics not every copy but if they have computer you could every now and then make a present up of some photos for them

your nbu though it sounds slightly over baring

Original poster

Benjy · 17/01/2009 12:04

They do have a camera, yes, and take their own photos. I send regular updates with the best photos but they then want to take copies of all the photos when they see us.

SIL explained that her mother wanted more children and was unable to have them which is why she is OTT. I am sorry about this but it seems as if she is trying to compensate for this to a degree with my DD. She makes comments I find vaguely disturbing every time I see her - how her mother thinks the baby is hers (she has dementia), how many older women have IVF. I have been patient but this email while maybe innocuous in itself has made me feel I have had enough of this.

OP posts:

mazzystartled · 17/01/2009 12:06

I don't understand the "nothing left for us and our new family" statement AT ALL. presumably they are not round your house all day long, every day? it sounds like they are at a bit of a distance and that maybe they wvuld jsut love to be closer

the tooth thing - well, it wouldn't have hurt for someone to tell them when it happened - bit of a milestone, really. just get 2 copies of the photos when you order them - is it really any skin off your nose?

of course all of this could be a bit smothering, and if it came to interfering in decisions that is different, but i would really encourage you to be generous in your attitude as much as you can, you may be a doting granny yourself one day.

mazzystartled · 17/01/2009 12:07

sorry don't really understand your comments re dementia

Original poster

Benjy · 17/01/2009 12:24

I was explaining how her mother could think MIL (aged 60) is parent of a baby.

And yes it is skin off my nose. I do mind otherwise I wouldn't be posting here. I just needed to let off steam a little. Am pregnant again with hyperemesis and now seems this pregnancy might be going wrong. I probably just got her email at the wrong time.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 17/01/2009 12:34

Obviously it's a hard time for you but yes I think you are being unreasonable. You mil's interest may be a little wearing but it isn't harmful - it's not like she's round at your house everyday taking your dd out for 8 hours at a time.

Try to understand - if she had fertility issues it will have dominated her life. The fact that it's 20 years ago or whatever may have may very little difference. I'm sure she doesn't want to feel like this but she does and your dd is the closest she will ever come now to having another baby. I think you should react with compassion and understanding and be glad that you and your family can bring such joy to her. Your child doesn't belong to you - she is part of your whole family. I very much hope your current pregnancy progresses successfully.

tattycoram · 17/01/2009 12:35

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I would find that quite intrusive. It sounds as if you are very generous in sharing your dd with your in laws and I think you are entitled to set some boundaries.

neolara · 17/01/2009 12:38

I had to send my MIL the hair from my dd's first haircut! I didn't actually want it myself, but I did think is was a bit OTT. You have my sympathies, but I think of balance it is probably better to have an over-involved, loving grandma instead of one who couldn't care less.

Original poster

Benjy · 17/01/2009 12:43

Northern, I do understand. I have fertility problems and had treatment to conceive my daughter and now it seems I may be losing my second. However, I do not agree that that allows someome to work out their grief at not having as many children they would have with someone elses baby. I am very glad she loves DD as much as she does but I there are elements of her behaviour around DD that concern me. All I want to do is think about how to introduce some healthy boundaries for everyone's sake, including DDs.

OP posts:

mazzystartled · 17/01/2009 12:45

but they only want to know when she got her tooth and get a few [million] photos! they are not asking for a chart of her nappy changes, and clearly they don't see her that often.

i'm sorry that you feel so rough, and i am sure your reaction is in part influenced by that. hope it all sorts itself out.

i am still not clear - are you saying your mil has dementia and thinks the child is hers, or some other person has?

compo · 17/01/2009 12:47

I would let dh deal with his mother
If she wants copies of every photo let him sort it, or let him just get a few copies of the nicest ones
Get him to answer her emails too

Northernlurker · 17/01/2009 12:48

The only things you've revealed are that she wants to know when she's cutting teeth and she wants copies of your photos. Sorry if I'm being dense but I don't see how any of that is harmful. Your dd is your baby of course but she is also part of your mil's family and she is entitled to love her. I think you are being a tiny bit precious about this tbh.

SaltireOShanter · 17/01/2009 12:52

I read it as MIL's mum has dementia, and benjy is worried that MILs mum (so the baby's great granny) will think the baby is mILs.

2pt4kids · 17/01/2009 12:52

She's prob got one of those grandparent record books that she can write down dates and things in to look back and remember it all ina few years time.
Tell her the date and email her the nicest pics or get her copies and say 'the rest werent anywhere near as nice' and leave it at that.

tattycoram · 17/01/2009 12:57

What does your DH think? Does he understand how you feel? Could you talk to him about ways of (gently) setting some boundaries? I am thinking more along the lines of "forgetting" to do things, rather than any sort of confrontation.

Earthymama · 17/01/2009 12:57

I'm wondering now if I'll see a thread saying 'my insane mother still has the curls from DS1's first hair cut, and showed them to him on his 12th birthday'.....YABU...but

You sound sad and worried and as if you just want to hide away with your family. We've all been there. Give your DD a big hug and then be grateful that there are other people on this earth who love her so much, I'm sure you'll be glad of that as she gets older.

I hope all goes well for you, perhaps having a look at some of the MIL threads on here might put things in perspective!!

kettlechip · 17/01/2009 12:58

They sound a little keen but well meaning. Maybe send your MIL a weekly email with a few pics in it and news of anything new your dd has done, what she's been up to etc. It will take you 10 minutes and probably mean a lot to your MIL, plus the ball's then in your court over what you want to share.

Wishing you well with your pregnancy.

MrsMattie · 17/01/2009 12:58

'every photo ever taken of her'

Barf.

tootyflooty · 17/01/2009 13:01

you need to put your foot down now, you will be busy enough without having to keep them updated all the time. I think you need to get dh to intervene in the nicest possible way, as to the photos that is excessive, they can be very personal, just pick out a few nice ones and let them have those from time to time,

cat64 · 17/01/2009 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

feelingbetter · 17/01/2009 13:08

I would like nothing more than to have the same level of interest from my parents, but they died without seeing their first grandchild.

There are enough threads on here about nightmare MILs and plenty couldn't give a stuff about their lovely DGs.

For those reasons, you are very lucky.

BUT - you sound like you are keeping them up to date and sharing info and I understand, it can be wearing, especially if you have a lot on your plate ( hope things go OK)
and copies of every photo is waaaayyyy OTT.

They are his parents, let DH keep them up to speed and send photos.

If it is getting you down, try to look at the positives - she could live 2 streets away and be around every day!

Heated · 17/01/2009 13:14

It's normally only your dh or besotted g-ps you can share this with!

I don't think she sounds over-bearing from the two examples you've given, but they're just illustrative I guess?

My ILs used to phone every other day to talk to dcs on the phone (even before they could talk) email pictures go back and forth and they love to take them on holiday. I - or rather dh - is about to explain to MIL why dd isn't going away when it is her birthday, so yes sometimes we have to put our foot down, but on the other-hand they are prepared to travel miles if we need them in an emergency and there is no one I trust more to look after them.

Can you console yourself with the positive: that your dc has GPs who adore them? Also possibly with your current difficulties with your 2nd pg you are more sensitive to something that might have only been a niggle before? They should however be sensitive to you at this time.

Guitargirl · 17/01/2009 13:17

I think I would try and disengage as much as possible and let your DH step in and deal with his family. It sounds as though your MIL may have personal issues which are making her behaviour OTT. This may well fade as your DD gets older but in the meantine for your own sanity, try to switch off as much as possible, take a step back and allow DH to deal with it. How often do you see them? How many weeks pregnant are you? Does your MIL know you are pregnant?

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