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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to share everything about DD with grandparents?

44 replies

Benjy · 17/01/2009 11:49

This week I received another email from MIL saying that she had spoken to DH who had told her that DD had cut her first tooth but that he hadn't been able to remember the exact date this happened and could I contact her to let her know. We have had to share every detail of DD's life, they request copies of every photo we have taken because we want "every one ever taken of her". I am happy to share somethings but I want to keep some details just between DH, me and DD. It feels like we have nothing left that is just for us and our new family. Am I being unreasonable? Do you have boundaries with your parents/PILs?

OP posts:

cazzybabs · 17/01/2009 13:19

I think you are being a bit precious...

imagine what it will be like for you as a granny one day...your MIL probably just thinks she shows she cares.

what are you parent's like?

SaltireOShanter · 17/01/2009 13:26

I get where Benjy is coming from. I got it (and still do a slightly lesser effect now) from my mum. Every day for the first 6/8 weeks of Ds1's life she would ring up, twice a day "How many feeds has he had? How many ounces, how many wet nappies, how long between each feed, how many poos, have you ahd him out, did you pu a coat on gloves and a hat, did you wrap him up in 46 blankets". Every day for 6-8 weeks. Then it was things like "Has he got a tooth yet, why not do you not think he should have one, will you ring me when he gets one"

I am well aware that loads of MNetters will now come on say how lucky I am ti still ahve my mum, but its suffocating and overpowering.

SaltireOShanter · 17/01/2009 13:27

I also think there is more to this than teeth and pictures

Karamazov · 17/01/2009 18:48

I understand that it is hard when they are like that, but I'd be thankful that at least they are interested in your DD. At least this way, you won't ever have to hear your child say 'my nan doesn't love me' .

dustbuster · 17/01/2009 22:46

A bit late to this but...YANBU

I completely understand where you are coming from. the line about 'every photo ever taken of her' sounds like something my MIL would say. I know she means well, and I am delighted for DD that she has gps who adore her, but it is a little much. It might be because my own parents are quite good at giving me space, but that sort of overbearing interest makes me really uncomfortable.

Also, you really shouldn't have to be worrying about photos and letting them know the dates of teeth if you are pregnant, and having such a horrible time. As others have said, your DH should be dealing with all this.

Hang on in there. and I hope everything works out with your pregnancy.

purpleduck · 17/01/2009 23:01

speaking as someone whose FIL has seen my children ONCE - never recognises birthdays, or generaly speaks to us for years at a time....and my mother/ my family is a nine hour plane ride away....
YABU!!!
Put the photos on disc and let them sort out the ones they want to print...and just share the info - honestly, it is so so much better than the alternatives that many of us have to deal with.

ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 18/01/2009 01:42

Tangential, but re photos ...

If they haven't already got one, get them a digital photo frame. Then periodically send them, via memory stick, the best dozen (say) pix taken since last time. The fact that the photos are on a rolling display, I think, adds to their impact, and so you might find that the quality will win out over the quantity.

Keeps my mum quiet, anyway!

nappyaddict · 18/01/2009 01:50

If it were me I would upload all the photos of DD onto a usb stick every month or so and give it to them. Delete any from the stick that you don't want them to have. They won't notice a few missing if they have all the others.

CocoaCloset · 18/01/2009 02:05

I am grateful my mam loves DD and wants to help, as her Great Grandparents do. We live away so they don't get to see her as much as they would like. I am very happy that DD has an extended family that loves her and is prepared to help me and DH.

twentypence · 18/01/2009 02:42

My parents want copies of all the photos of ds - I just look on it as a kind of backup if anything happened to our copy and our backup copy.

My MIL only like the photos she takes herself, especially if she was looking after him at the time.

Horses for courses.

chancelloroftheexCHEQUERS · 18/01/2009 09:17

We have this website thing called windows skydrive where we upload all our photos.

My parents and DH's parents have the web address for it and they access them as and when.

It works a treat (except for the fact that DH uploaded a particularly ropey one of me which I didn't know about until I was at PIL house and it came up on their digital photoframe, gah!)

I also see it as backup if we lose our pics.

NotADragonOfSoup · 18/01/2009 09:28

YABU. What does it really matter??

noonki · 18/01/2009 09:29

I would find it annoying on one level, but we give my Dad most pictures on disc, he loves making albums and funny pictures on his computer.

then on another level you could have my FIL who has met DSS about 5 times (he is 12) DS1 twice and DS2 once.

He sometimes remembers their birthdays, never asks about them and actually wouldn't recognise my two if they walked passed in the street.

I definately know which one is most upsetting. Especially for DH.

Tee2072 · 18/01/2009 09:40

On the one hand I can see why it bugs you. On the other hand I have to agree with those who say at least your ILs are interested in your children.

But she is your child and you need to do what you feel most comfortable with. So ignore what everyone else is saying and do what you think is right.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/01/2009 10:08

I think there is more to this than photos. FWIW I would feel very annoyed with things like demanding a copy of every photo ever taken. Even I don't print out every photo ever taken. Maybe though you could just upload them all to snapfish or similar and let her print of the ones she wants?

This sort of obsessing would do my head in. The exact date of his first tooth? TBH I doubt I'll remember the exact date of anything my DS does...

kitbit · 18/01/2009 10:35

That sort of level of interest I would find very suffocating too. Yes of course it's lovely that she's interested, but I too would find it too much. It's about personal space and not crowding as much as the constant demands for info which are a drain.

I agree with the poster who said let dh deal with them. Put all your photos on a web site and let them take the ones they want. Tell them every single photo is there even if it isn't.

The way I see it you can either leave them as they are and try and manage how you deal with it, or you can confront them. Maybe confrontation might come a little later so for now find yourself some coping strategies!

Onlyaphase · 18/01/2009 15:21

Agree with OP about not being comfortable with MIL seeing all photos. Feels invasive on some level - these are your photos, not theirs and it is up to you and your DH which photos they see.

My MIL was on our PC once and downloaded the previous 2 months worth of photos of DD - I was really gutted for some reason, as normally I would have just sent the best ones through once a month or so. On further thought, I concluded that I am a control freak who doesn't like their MIL that much.

Scotia · 18/01/2009 15:45

Are you really upset because MIL's mother, who is suffering from dementia, thinks MIL is the mother of your baby? My nanna hasn't known me for quite some time, and now thinks that my mum is one of her nurses. Now THAT is upsetting.

twentypence · 18/01/2009 19:50

Maybe they are keeping a record of all these things so when your child starts school they can give them a lovely album.

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